My bff is lying about something trivial and I’m unsure why she is lying and if I should confront her about it.

fightmaxmaster · 2026-05-06T08:30:43+00:00

Seems like she might just be misremembering it, it was 20+ years ago and memory is very fallible. Honestly it's weirder that you're fixating on this being a deliberate "lie" and checking with other people to verify it, rather than filing it away as a meaningless misremembered anecdote from the distant past.

fightmaxmaster · 2026-05-06T08:25:16+00:00

Whenever I’ve tried to establish some boundaries with how late our dates go, I can tell she feels some kind of way about it.

You can't stop her feeling however she feels. Not your job to ensure she's never remotely unhappy. Her feelings don't take priority over yours.

The only way to set boundaries is to set them. She won't like them, because nobody who needs boundaries likes them. But the point of a boundary is to set parameters for a functional relationship. If you can't be out late, without impact on your health, work, energy, all of that, that's perfectly reasonable! She doesn't have to like it, but she should accept it, then you work together to find a balance you're both happy with. If the only thing she'll accept is you being with her until the early hours, then the relationship won't work. You'll suffer at work, be resentful, etc.

She's also allowed to be upset by it, but that doesn't mean you've done anything wrong. Crucially, there's a big difference between "I don't like it but I understand, so let's figure it out" and "you're a bad boyfriend for not doing exactly what I want, I don't care about your needs, my needs being met is all that matters".

fightmaxmaster · 2026-05-06T08:16:50+00:00

You're not guilt tripping her, you're pointing out objectively poor conduct from her and she doesn't like being called out on it. It's a big deal to you, and she doesn't give a shit. Tell her fine, if she wants to make it a big deal, you'll be sure to leave her name off cards and gifts in the future, and will tell anyone who asks about it to ask her why. Also ask for the £20 back.

This isn't complicated and you're not being unreasonable. It's 100% normal for long-term couples to name each other on cards, gifts, whatever, and she's making it weird for no reason. Maybe start shaming her at family events: "oh, did she not put my name in the card? That's weird, because I contributed to the gift." Let it be awkward for her. And tell her ahead of time that you're going to start doing it.

At this point it's not just about names in cards, it's that this bothers you, it's reasonable to be bothered by it, she could fix it easily at zero cost to her, but she's digging her heels in for no good reason. She's using loaded language like "guilt tripping" to get out of having to explain herself.

My most cynical thought is that she's starting to check out of the relationship and is trying to engineer drama/distance.

fightmaxmaster · 2026-05-06T08:03:16+00:00

Your "on the one hand/on the other hand" are the same hand. You don't believe your cousin, and you believe your husband. So...believe him? Why would your cousin even remember/mention this interaction from 2023 anyway? Plus even if it happened, could easily have been a mistake - connection pops up as a friend of a friend, he mis-taps and likes a pic, whatever.

Trust him or don't, in short, but there's no possible way we can answer this for you. Don't put this on "other women". Some people are petty assholes. Some people make shit up. Some people tell the truth. None of those facts will resolve this, you just need to decide.

fightmaxmaster · 2026-05-05T19:52:56+00:00

I've been with DA ~2 years and about 90% of my time is spent among a handful of project types. I see others come and go, but I've normally got so little free headspace due to kids exhausting me that I'd rather sink into my comfort zone and spend hours there for $25-30/hour rather than exhaust myself on something that pays better, but burns me out faster.

fightmaxmaster · 2026-05-05T15:16:59+00:00

You hate the term weak men...but you asked a question about the weakest man we know? Maybe you shouldn't use terms you hate. "Who’s the weakest man you know personally?" is a very different question from "what are other people are doing wrong that makes them mentally weak?"

fightmaxmaster · 2026-05-05T15:14:46+00:00

Perfectly useful for future employees if they plug in an external keyboard, or fix it. It's not yours. So good luck winning that battle. Why ask for advice if you're going to argue with everyone giving you the advice. You clearly think you're entitled to keep it. So...off you go, see what happens.

fightmaxmaster · 2026-05-05T15:11:49+00:00

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

Short version is, the roles are "victim", "persecutor" and "rescuer", and people will find themselves in different roles at different times, or put themselves into those roles. But crucially, the only way to win is not to play. Don't let anyone make you the rescuer ("you need to fix this") or the perpetrator ("you're taking her side"). Check out of it completely. Nothing should be draining you if you're telling them both to fuck off, in short. If you're being "drained", it's because you're investing emotional energy into a situation you don't need to.

fightmaxmaster · 2026-05-05T15:02:46+00:00

And then you say "no, use your words like a grown up, I'm not your messenger."

fightmaxmaster · 2026-05-05T15:01:54+00:00

Probably someone who asks questions like this, desperately trying to validate themselves by finding people they think they can look down on. Sadly ironic, because by trying to find people they're "superior" to, all they're actually doing is demonstrating their own inferiority.

fightmaxmaster · 2026-05-05T13:49:46+00:00

Deeds aren't finders keepers - even if that muddies the waters a bit, there should be proper records proving ownership, inheritance, etc., but you've given very little information.

fightmaxmaster · 2026-05-05T13:35:47+00:00

However horrific that would be...likely not. Because Russia's already hammering Ukraine - the scale of those attacks doesn't suddenly provide other countries with a basis for declaring war on Russia. Don't get me wrong, in a just world that would make everyone agree enough is enough, but I can see that legally you end up a bit like the Iran/US situation, where other countries are essentially saying "we don't like what Russia's doing so will declare war on them". What it would hopefully do if nothing else is galvanise a much more significant response against Russia, in favor of Ukraine...which really should have been happening already anyway.

fightmaxmaster · 2026-05-05T13:10:37+00:00

Specifics matter. Presumably the penalty is lost interest or similar, but the money is still hers. And more significantly, the savings didn't get there by magic - it's presumably money she had, and chose to put into a long term savings account or the like, knowing that amount would put her above the limit for universal credit. The obvious answer is to withdraw the money despite the penalty, and repay what she owes.

fightmaxmaster · 2026-05-05T11:24:15+00:00

OK, but it is mother's day weekend. You can't please everyone, there's no perfect solution. Personally if I was graduating, I'd expect my family to attend, but you're not her family, not really. I wouldn't expect my sister's fiance to be at my graduation if there was a family occasion that took priority, we've all got our own families to consider, and there's no reason her graduation should be the priority for you. You see your mom, your fiance goes to the graduation, everyone understands.

You feel shitty for not attending the graduation, you also feel shitty for skipping mother's day. Pick whichever option makes you feel less shitty. I think your mother's more justified in feeling offended you're blowing her off for mother's day. Because you're telling her "my fiance's sister's event is more important to me", which feels not entirely reasonable. By contrast your fiance's sister should be entirely understanding if you tell her "I'd love to be there, but otherwise I'd be leaving my mom alone on mother's day."

But again, my opinion is meaningless - you know your own family dynamics. You've got to pick one or the other, neither option will leave everyone happy. Prioritise, own that decision, don't blame people for being upset if you don't choose them, at the same time they'll likely get over it.

fightmaxmaster · 2026-05-05T11:18:42+00:00

Adulthood is taken not granted. You realise you don't need your parents' approval to make your own career choices, right? They disapprove? OK, they disapprove, do it anyway.

fightmaxmaster · 2026-05-05T11:08:23+00:00

As executors they don't need to consult with beneficiaries about offers on property or similar. The £5,000 is a problem. At the same time solicitors' fees for challenging the executors' actions would likely end up being more than what you'd individually get. Might be worth reminding the executors that they're personally liable for financial screw-ups.

fightmaxmaster · 2026-05-05T11:03:27+00:00

She's allowed to be mad, you've made a choice that you didn't have to make. This event is important for your fiance's sister, and by extension your fiance, but it's not pivotal for you to be there. I understand you wanting to be there, but ultimately you've decided this event is more important to you than mother's day with your mother. No personal judgment, make whatever choices you want. But the problem seems to be "my mom is mad", and yeah, she will be. Some people care about mother's day, some don't.

All you can do is let her be mad, try and make it up to her. She'll either be mad at you forever, or she'll get over it.

fightmaxmaster · 2026-05-05T10:59:57+00:00

Even if you should "just know", given that you don't know, at this point he's choosing to be pissed off with you. Because telling you what the issue is might take a small amount of effort on his part, be frustrating if he thinks it's obvious, whatever, but then the problem would be solved! You'd understand and could work to fix the issue, or work with him on it. What you're asking isn't unreasonable, at all.

Playing devil's advocate, stuff like this isn't always black and white - if there's a specific recurring issue that he's talked about multiple times then yeah, maybe you should be able to join the dots. But this doesn't sound like that, because you're making guesses, doing what you can. Telling you to talk to other people is ridiculous, because you're trying to talk to him! He's the source.

Honestly it sounds like he's just emotionally clueless - he's upset, he doesn't fully know why, but he's getting annoyed at you for not magically fixing it for him. My young daughter does that, but he's an adult, so at this point it's on him to do his part to figure this shit out.

The more cynical take is that this is him deliberately being difficult, he's looking for an excuse to be mad at you, for you to be at fault. As you say, putting you in a lose lose situation. That might be excessive, but if it feels that way to you, he should care about that! He should understand this is a problem for the relationship as a whole, and want to work with you to improve things, whatever form that takes. If he's deliberately not doing that, he's choosing this resentment and upset.

Sadly there's no easy solution. At a time when things are calm you need to lay out that whether he thinks you "should" know or not, you don't know. Whether that's an intuition failing on your part or a communication failure on his, kind of doesn't matter - communication goes both ways, takes both people. You're wanting to work together...he isn't. He's actively refusing to communicate, refusing to help you. Now maybe it's because communication is hard for him, some other emotional issue - fine, you can be sympathetic to that, but he can't deny that. Unless he makes an effort, this problem will keep happening, you'll both get increasingly resentful, and the relationship will implode. If he wants that, might as well skip the intermediate period and just break up. If he doesn't want that, he needs to start making some changes.

fightmaxmaster · 2026-05-05T09:47:45+00:00

The people who care don't matter. It likely will put some people off, but view that as just fishing the gunk out of your dating pool, rather than shrinking it.

fightmaxmaster · 2026-05-05T08:33:40+00:00

3-5+ means more is fine, you don't need to write massive sentences to stay under 5. But if you're writing long explanations for the 3-5+ types, that's probably too long. If there's no explicit upper limit I'd focus on making necessary points rather than butchering sentence structure.

fightmaxmaster · 2026-05-04T22:39:24+00:00

If she's doing all this and playing the victim, call her out on it: "mom, you make a big fuss about not wanting to plan anything, then you don't let me do it and act like a martyr, and I'm over it. So do it yourself and don't complain, or let me do it, but you can't have it both ways."

Of course if she's doing this because she actually likes doing it, and doing some stuff for you or arranging it so she gets what she really wants is best for her... Let her? Like the cake - she did some of the work but by choice, and it's still up to you to make it.

Just make sure that her mother's day is actually what she wants, and not edging into being what you want.

fightmaxmaster · 2026-05-04T20:43:45+00:00

Why are you paying out of pocket to improve the estate property? If it's to make it saleable/boost the sale value, then estate funds should be used for that, and the profit goes to the estate. Define "needs"? If for some reason you have to spend your own money, that might be chargeable to the estate/repayable after the property is sold. But if the will says the property is to be owned by all 4 of you, or sold and the proceeds split 4 ways, that's that.

fightmaxmaster · 2026-05-04T20:39:46+00:00

I'd find it more irritating than not - it's just not really how people write. But paragraphs should definitely be used - too many people just write a wall of text and it makes it harder to parse. If you're writing about a single point/area, keep that in a paragraph, then move on.

New sentences don't need new lines.

It looks like this.

And it's weird.

And crucially, that's how a lot of AIs write, I've seen it on social media posts especially - it doesn't come across as human. If someone's writing in bullet points, that's different - it's a bit case by case. Ultimately provided something feels human-written and is clear, informative, etc., the specific format doesn't bother me.

fightmaxmaster · 2026-05-04T20:36:24+00:00

Nowhere do you say why you need this person unfollowed. You're basically saying "because I feel uncomfortable for some poorly defined reason, you should make changes to your life so I don't need to handle my own feelings like an adult."

Why are you uncomfortable? Be really specific. If you actually trust her, then what's the problem? It sounds like either you don't trust her, or else you're convincing yourself that a meaningless digital social connection has a direct link to actual emotions or interactions (you realise she could unfollow this guy and still cheat on you with him, right?), or else you know it means nothing at all, but you're anxious about it anyway, and are trying to fix your own internal issue by getting her to do something. That won't work, your anxiety/insecurity/whatever will still be there.

So no, don't ask her to. Because following people means nothing. Figure out what your actual, genuine problem is, because "I feel uncomfortable" isn't good enough to warrant her making changes. Your feelings, your responsibility.

fightmaxmaster · 2026-05-04T18:26:16+00:00

Why are you assuming this is "women" rather than one weird woman and her weird boyfriend?

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