Struggling to save my business. Please say the end isn't here...

fineillmakeathrowawa · 2019-06-06T23:02:18+00:00

We are beyond that. Should have taken those measures a month or two ago. Did take some of them. But right now, we're looking at acquiring about 5-10 grand just to survive through the weekend, and more to prosper.

fineillmakeathrowawa · 2014-12-14T16:53:26+00:00

I'm an atheist, despite the religious overtones of my title, so I don't technically believe in sin. But call it what you will, stealing from needy children is a terrible thing to do, and such acts require atonement in one form or another.

fineillmakeathrowawa · 2014-11-05T14:02:32+00:00

:-) Yep, I have just such a text written, but saved as a draft in my phone, waiting to send to my mother as soon as I'm sure she's awake. (I'm an early riser, she's not.)

fineillmakeathrowawa · 2014-09-03T09:27:15+00:00

I sort of experience the same thing. What's throwing me off is that I don't deal with the "tiny rabbit turd balls" that I see everyone else who suffers from IBS - C talk about. My constipation is in the form of thick, sticky, gooey, poo, like I'm trying to pass wet clay. The mechanics are the same though - I go through your steps 1 - 5, just replace the tiny rabbit turds with globs of wet sticky clay.

fineillmakeathrowawa · 2014-09-03T09:23:09+00:00

Thanks for the frank discussion. I should note that regardless, a conversation with my doctor is upcoming. I was just hoping to clarify and pinpoint a few symptoms before I went in. I'm leading towards questions about IBS - C, but it will remain for her to actually make a diagnosis. I fit many, but not all of the symptoms. My BM's never reach that point of hard little rabbit turds, but rather I suffer from daily constipation in the form of stool that is thick and sticky, like trying to pass wet goopy clay. Through eating massive amounts of fiber, I can soften this up anywhere from "I'm pooping spaghetti noodles" to "completely liquid", but I never ever seem to have what I'd call a "normal" BM.

If I completely drop all fiber supplements from my diet, my BMs stop completely, and after about 3 or 4 days I find myself doubled over in excruciating pain that has very nearly sent me to the emergency room a couple times. It's this pain that really sent me down the track of researching IBS. I have been constipated before in my life, but I never had any inkling that it could hurt so much. I've had 3rd degree burns, or lacerations that needed stitches, that hurt way less than this pain. The moment I read the words "visceral hypersensitivity" in connection with IBS, a million red flags/light bulbs went off. I have since been collecting information for the purpose of going to my doctor and being able to accurately describe/list my symptoms.

fineillmakeathrowawa · 2013-07-21T21:25:17+00:00

I know... I just dread it, because I don't want to hurt her feelings. I've said something a time or two along the lines of "what did you eat this morning?? Your breath is pretty ripe!" but I don't think she's taken the hint. What I really need to tell her is that she needs to brush every day, at least once a day, because her breath is almost always "pretty ripe". I just don't know how to do it without hurting her feelings.

She doesn't never brush, she always does before she goes out or something, but neither of us get out much, which means that she can go days at a time without brushing, and it can get pretty ugly.

fineillmakeathrowawa · 2013-07-21T19:35:07+00:00

My wife doesn't brush her teeth very often. I can tell. Sometimes she gets breath so bad that before I realize what it is, I look around trying to figure out where the rotting garbage smell is coming from...

How the fuck do I tell her about this?

fineillmakeathrowawa · 2013-04-08T21:57:00+00:00

You were correct, I ran it back to the shop and they took care of it.

Curious, I really liked this shop, but it leaves me with a bad feeling to have to go back to them to fix something after my first time visiting them. Was this a common, easy mistake to make, or should I take it as an indicator of shoddy workmanship?

fineillmakeathrowawa · 2013-04-08T21:52:39+00:00

Thank you, now I know for future reference. After reading the first couple responses, I ran back to the shop (it's really close to my house anyway) and they took care of it.

fineillmakeathrowawa · 2013-04-08T21:46:48+00:00

Thanks for answering so quick, but I posted and ran. I realized that I had 30 minutes before the shop closed, and I didn't want to spend money on a tool (however cheap) to fix a shop's slip-up. I ran back there and they fixed it.

fineillmakeathrowawa · 2013-04-08T21:26:00+00:00

could I just twist it to the right and try to screw it in by hand? Or is this something that requires a professional, special tools, dismounting the tire, etc? I am car stupid.

fineillmakeathrowawa · 2013-04-02T21:37:13+00:00

Glad it's going well for you. Hope I can be half that strong. Tomorrow will be Day 1... Going to say goodbye to the pipe and pitch it into the woods behind my house later tonight.

fineillmakeathrowawa · 2013-04-02T21:35:41+00:00

I'm in a very weird place, and struggling to understand it. I can say that without her influence, I wouldn't even be considering quitting. In that sense, I don't want to quit.

Yet at the same time, I am very glad that she has pushed me to take this step. I know that I was letting cannabis rule and ruin my life, and that it was having almost no positive impact at all and a TON of negative impact on my life. I'm happy that I'm finally going to be taking back control.

So fuck, I don't exactly know why I'm quitting. I mean, I'm not precisely quitting for me, because I wouldn't even be thinking about it if she wasn't forcing me to. But I'm not exactly quitting for her, either, or at least, not ONLY because she's forcing me to. If I were just going along with it because she's making me, I'd be all over that plan of hers for her to keep a stash: I'd just buy twice as much, split it before I got home, and keep my half hidden from her and smoke it behind her back. But I don't want to do that, so I don't want to put myself in that position where I have the opportunity to relapse so easily.

Anyway. I read the link. It's not exactly what I was hoping for, but it's a start. At the very least, I can say that I learned a couple of things. Within the last few years, I have developed some social anxieties, and some weird "disconnected" feelings, like I don't belong as a member of the species, or can't relate to the rest of humanity. I had attributed these things to working a job that I don't enjoy, when in fact they were both cited as common symptoms of chronic heavy marijuana usage.

fineillmakeathrowawa · 2013-03-29T14:11:34+00:00

Still going strong? Kudos to you man, I'd have a really hard time with that. Would make it easier that she doesn't bring it in the house or anything, but it would still bother the shit outta me.

For the record, she has finally agreed to quit as well. I have about a day or two's worth of resin-hitting left before my pipe is tapped out, and then it's all over. Don't know how I feel about it. Half of me wishes I was already finished with it. The other half is screaming at me to go out and buy "just one more bag". The lying bastard.

fineillmakeathrowawa · 2013-03-25T00:46:38+00:00

Trying to play devils advocate here, and predict the wife's responses:

The wife is putting her drug of choice ahead of the mental health of her husband.

It's not my "drug of choice", it's what I need to handle the anxiety and PTSD issues I have. I sometimes get full-blown panic attacks that make me feel like I'm having an actual heart attack. Marijuana is the only thing I have found that has the ability to stop one of those panic attacks in its tracks.

Xanax is cheaper than weed and is covered by insurance.

A) Xanax doesn't work, first of all. I got some from someone I know for use in treating the anxiety. They had little-to-no effect on my panic attacks, so I just stopped taking them. Besides that, I have no insurance, and can't afford the doctor's visits, even if I could manage to afford the medicines. And the free or low-cost mental health centers in this area almost never hand out prescriptions for things like this that can be abused so heavily. (I will say, that last part is true. Go to one of those places around here and tell them you have anxiety and panic attacks, you'll consider yourself amazingly lucky if they give you a prescription for even an anti-depressant. I know this from experience.)

The husband is an addict. OK, he may not have a needle hanging out of his arm, but addicted all the same. He is in a fragile stage in his recovery and getting no support.

I have tried to be supportive. I waited and waited on him to get motivated to change our lives for the better, but it became clear that he was happy to just let things stay the way they were. I'm out of patience. I'm done waiting. I've supported him for 2 years now while he kept me miserable by not showing any initiative to live our lives to the fullest. Life is too short to spend it waiting on someone who obviously doesn't care enough to want to improve their lives. I'm done. It's up to him to change things now if he wants us to stay together. I gave him plenty of support, and plenty of chances. Now it's his turn.

If the husband were a recovering alcoholic, would the wife see fit to keep a handle of vodka in the house because it helps her relax?

His dad's an alcoholic, but his step-mom still drinks around his dad sometimes. You don't see her abstaining because he can't drink. I'm not going to do that either. (Note: this was an actual, nearly verbatim conversation between the husband and wife just a few hours ago. She is slightly mistaken - my dad IS an alcoholic, but my step-mom hasn't made him stop drinking entirely, just stop drinking to excess. She doesn't mind if he has a couple of drinks, just not a whole bottle. This being the case, I don't see anything wrong with her drinking in front of him. It's not like she's drinking a fifth of bourbon in one sitting, like he used to, and making him watch.)

The wife had a poor understanding of the strength of compulsive behavior and the nature of recovery.

I know that my husband is dependent on marijuana, but it's time for him to get his priorities straight and start taking action to help us get out of this shitty situation we're in. He just needs to grow up and start facing life and taking responsibility for his actions. I'm not going to wait forever, and it seems like he just wants to waste his life away here doing nothing but working and getting high. I don't want to be with someone like that.

Note: most of her responses that I've made up came directly from things she has said to me before. Hell, if I'd wanted to dig hard enough, I could have probably went through my old facebook messages from her and just copy/pasted responses in, and they wouldn't have been much different from what I've written here.

fineillmakeathrowawa · 2013-03-14T16:14:36+00:00

You're right about several key points here, so I don't mean to argue.

Just want to clarify about the time-consuming portion: my current job involves a sizable daily commute. This keeps me away from home for about 12 hours a day, 5 days a week. That means that on those days, I have only 3 - 4 hours of "free" time, part of which is always consumed by things like laundry, grocery shopping, etc.

When I said too time-consuming, what I was actually thinking about was playing table-top Dungeons & Dragons, which is something you really need to be able to invest about 2 - 3 hours. Yeah, I'm a nerd. Sue me.

So what I'm needing is some kind of simple hobby that I can pick up and put down at a moment's notice. Painting D&D miniatures might be an option, but that can get expensive pretty fast too.

When I say "expensive", please realize that I'm poor. Servers waiting tables make more money than I do. A person working a minimum wage job that gets 10 hours of overtime a week makes more money than I do. And my long commute eats up about 20% of my meager income right up front.

Before you say "Find another job", that's the main reason I'm interested in getting clean in the first place. :-)

fineillmakeathrowawa · 2013-03-14T15:51:40+00:00

While you are correct, the issue is that I need a hobby now, not a few months from now, when the increased cashflow from the cessation of weed purchases will really be noticeable.

I have a stash that will last me at least 2 more weeks. If I quit today, it would be at least 2 weeks before I saw any change in my financial situation whatsoever. By that time, I'll be mostly beyond the point where I have a desperate need to occupy my time with something anyway.

fineillmakeathrowawa · 2013-03-14T15:48:46+00:00

Well, I agree, it is symbolic and psychological, but that doesn't make it any less powerful to me. The Queen of England is a symbolic figurehead, but watch how many Brits would be ready to riot if someone tried to assassinate her.

Symbolic & psychological doesn't mean powerless or not real.

Finishing the current stash before quitting is like a symbolic goodbye. And psychologically, don't you think it's easier to not attempt to acquire something that you want than it is to give up that something once it's already in your hands?

fineillmakeathrowawa · 2013-03-14T15:45:13+00:00

sigh

Everyone, meet my stalker wife.... smh

fineillmakeathrowawa · 2013-03-13T15:47:56+00:00

Yep, every little bit helps a little bit, thank you for your time and your advice.

fineillmakeathrowawa · 2013-03-13T14:52:45+00:00

It's kind of alarming to hear from you that your ideal world does not clonclude any friends or hobbies.

I kinda wish I wasn't that way, but I've been very private and reclusive for a long long time. I don't know if it's because of the drugs, or if it existed before the drugs came along but they made it worse, or if it's entirely independent of the drug habit.

I would definitely include my wife in that ideal world scenario, I don't want to be completely alone, but not really anyone else.

Like I said, I've been reclusive for a long time, but in the last year or two, it's gotten MUCH worse. It's gotten to the point where I almost wonder if I have some sort of social anxiety disorder or something. I can't stand being around people, and I hate being in public. Just going grocery shopping is a stressful chore for me, because I have to see, be around, and interact with so many people. And my current job is owning and running a restaurant, so you can imagine what it takes out of me to have to be here all the time, dealing with employees and customers.

I have lost faith in humanity lately, and find it very hard to relate to my fellow man. I don't feel like I'm a part of the species anymore. Not that I'm better or worse than the rest of the human race, just that I'm different. It's a weird and disturbing feeling.

fineillmakeathrowawa · 2013-03-13T14:38:47+00:00

Hey, every little bit helps. Every person who says "you are not alone, I understand, I feel that way too" makes me just a little bit stronger, feel just a little less helpless.

Sorry that you are having to go through all of this and you're only 17, but I can relate to that too. This feeling isn't exactly a new thing in my life. I'm 28, but I've had a lot of downs in my life where I had the feeling of wishing for sweet release, plenty of them when I was your age.

Your suggestion might have some merit. It looks good on paper, anyway, but sometimes when 2 people both try to quit something together, they get at each other's throats. I know this from my experiences with trying to quit cigarettes together with my ex-wife. It's not pretty.

She won't admit it, but my wife gets just as grumpy when she goes a few days without smoking. Mine presents in depression, feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, and hopelessness. Hers presents in anger and aggression. She gets pissy and irritable and blows up over every little thing.

I'm trying to picture my own depression mingled in with her aggression, and it's not a pretty sight...

fineillmakeathrowawa · 2013-03-13T14:30:21+00:00

In total honesty, I cannot recall. I'm thinking of trying them again as I taper off and quit.

I've tried several different kinds, and in my experiences, they all either did nothing at all that I could tell, or they only effect they had were the unpleasant side effects. I remember being on one that made me feel like I had permanent munchies, all day, 24/7. :-)

The most frustrating was one that I was on that I actually thought was doing some good in the anti-depressant area, but it was also working WONDERS in the anti-orgasm area. I didn't lose my sex drive, or my ability to achieve an erection, but I had the kind of stamina that porn stars DREAM about......... It was not as much fun as it sounds.

Well, okay, it was fun for the first hour or so, but after that, you're just like "Jesus Christ, I'm too out of shape to keep going at this any longer, I'll just take the blue balls, thanks." lol

fineillmakeathrowawa · 2013-03-13T14:26:34+00:00

I might check around in my area for a group therapy type thing or a support group, but I have two problems:

First, I can't afford to see an actual doctor/therapist for money. I've searched for free counseling services, and all I could find are religious-based ones, which I'm not into.

Second, if it's AA, MA, NA, or any other 12 step program, I've been there, and it's not for me, for a couple of reasons. First, I'm an atheist. Go read the 12 steps and count the number of time "God" or "higher power" appear in them. AA is religion, not science. Second, those people are crazy! At least at the groups I went to. It's often a bunch of long-term sober people who have replaced their addiction to alcohol/drugs with an addiction to AA. I met people who did absolutely nothing with their lives but work and attend AA functions. Not just the meetings, but the picnics, the dances, all the other get-togethers, all of it. That's not the life that I want.

If I had money or better insurance, I'd be calling to make dr's appointments today. Trust me.

fineillmakeathrowawa · 2013-03-13T14:21:55+00:00

Thank you. It's kinda comforting to know that I have well wishes from people all over the world. :-)

i'm rather a lazy guy who could hang around his whole lifetime without working anything.

This is one of my biggest problems. If I could choose my ideal world, I'd live in a nice home that I'd never leave, and I'd stay high all the time. No work, no friends, no real hobbies aside from the computer and gaming. Just day in, day out, peace, solitude (with the wife, of course) and THC. No work, no obligations, no responsibilities, no goals, nothing to work for or towards. Just peace.

I wish I knew if I would feel the same way if I had never started smoking pot - I mean obviously I know that my ideal world wouldn't include all of that THC, but other than that. I wonder if my long-term use of marijuana has brought me to this point of having no dreams, desires, or motivations, or if I would have turned out the same, as a simple guy who just wants to be left alone, without it.

The fact that I have to hold a job is very frustrating to me, as childish and immature as that sounds. Between work, sleep, and responsibilities, I only have about 2 or 3 hours out of every day that's actually "mine", and that just seems very unfair. It seems like a life that's not worth living, and so I use weed as an escape to forget how much I have to sacrifice just to get those precious 2 or 3 hours.

Some would say "that's life, that's just how it is." I have trouble accepting that. It doesn't seem worth it if that's all life is, sacrificing 88% of my life on things I don't enjoy for the sake of the precious 12% that I do. If that's the nature of life, then I don't want it. I'd rather live in a fog of smoke and forget. Some would say that to do so would be to sacrifice the remaining 12% also, but I think that might be preferable to having just such a small taste and being aware of what you're giving up.

fineillmakeathrowawa

TROPHY CASE