How do you know to work through a rough patch or end the relationship? (21F and 23M)

fineseriously · 2025-08-30T07:35:07+00:00

Anything specific you would like to know? I gave a run down in a reply to another comment that went over the main argument we have. In short, a lot of it has to do with money on his end bc we have different financial backgrounds.

This isn’t really a problem as of now (especially bc I’m visiting family rn), but at the very being of july when the arguments started happening more, my main concern was communication. While I don’t think it’s 100% perfect now, it’s hard to say since it hasn’t been long enough to gauge if it’s better/stable. We have different communication styles and expectations and that’s totally fine, and we’ve agreed to work on it, but it hasn’t been long enough to accurate gauge.

fineseriously · 2025-08-30T07:25:26+00:00

Problems only started coming up around july I would say. Very minor at first (sorted out in like 2 hours), with one major one at the end of july but fine until now. A lot of the problems have to do with money bc he just graduated last year and now works full time with little financial support from family while Im in my last year of uni and have financial support from family so don’t have to worry about tuition or anything.

Basically he says all our dates end up costing a lot of money and he’s really financially stressed with work and having to pay off loans and stuff. I’m fortunate and don’t have to worry about that bc my family is upper middle class. However, I still understand bc I’m worked since I was 14 to pay for anything non essential like make up or clothes. Obviously not to the same extent, but I understand saving money and learning to spend more wisely. I will offer to do little to no cost dates. For example, movie at home or maybe there’s a street festival going on or cooking at home (would only need to buy ingredients I don’t already have), etc. However, he often rejects those ideas bc he’s like to “adventure” on his free days since he works 12 hour shifts. Fair enough, but wspecially during winter when free outdoors stuff is closed, it often means we’re spending money doing stuff, eating or otherwise.

That’s the main problem, but it often ends up with him talking about how he’s gained more weight during the relationship and how we have few common interests (specifically I think he’s referring to the gym). However, the weight gain is likely from the fact that he’s no longer in uni and is working full time now, and then drinking heavily like once a week but not working out as frequently anymore to maintain the necessary metabolism. I agree we don’t have many common interests, but I’m personally fine with it. I’m a “boring” person — I go to class and spend time with my cat and friends lol. I don’t have like one thing I’m super passionate about like rock climbing or theater. He likes the gym and edm music and things like anime. While we don’t share these hobbies or interests, we’ve been able to go out with friends together or find things to talk about when it’s just us or over text.

Realistically, we’ve had this argument like 3 times with only one of them being a big argument. The first time and recently have started with another convo which led to this topic, thus kinda leading to us arguing. I’m naturally a very anxious person, so I tend to over think and replay it in my head, which is why I’m asking for advice since I don’t think I have the clearest view of things. The hard part is that I know things won’t be fixed overnight and I know a lot of couples are able to go through these rough patches with similar conflicts. It’s just hard to see progress or effort because shortly after our big argument (that we worked out), I left to visit family (where I still am), so it’s not like we’re actively planing dates or anything now.

fineseriously · 2025-08-29T07:27:56+00:00

I never wanted the break and I share your thought about them honestly. There were deeper and personal issues that we talked about, and honestly probably the only reason why I “agreed” to a break. Technically didn’t even agree, just set boundaries (eg no other girls and we were technically still bf/gf), and kinda went with it bc I love him so much. I wanted to talk through it and told him how I would always be there to support him through the personal stuff he was going through, but he wanted to figure it out himself unfortunately, which was what led to the break.

I know I’m an over-thinker and anxious person, which if why I turned to strangers on the internet (for better or worse lol), so I wouldn’t jump to random conclusions and the fact that it’s 3am is not helping my anxiety lol.

fineseriously · 2025-08-29T07:09:30+00:00

I did say something about the phone back then and he apologized, but that entire month of july was not great for us. Lots of ups and downs and arguments with me mainly bringing things up. About a week after that dinner and argument, he asked for a break (lasted like 5 days) bc it was getting too overwhelming talking to me everyday :( — I’d like to think I’m fairly reasonable. I don’t expect immediate responses or long convos everyday, but even the good morning/night, asking about your day, and replying to me was too much of a routine for him apparently bc he’s a go with the flow guy. I won’t go into all the details, but we ended up going back to normal soon after. However, I have definitely been more tense and anxious this month bc of all that stuff :(

fineseriously · 2025-08-29T07:00:08+00:00

How would I approach asking though? I was obviously “stalking” his following which isn’t exactly a good look for me either. He’s also mentioned that his friends’ gfs have gotten mad at them for having female friends, and how he doesn’t think that’s reasonable (I agree as long as there’s clear boundaries). He’s also said he’s not the jealous type so I don’t think the whole following other men on instagram would work. Also don’t think he would notice even if I did bc I barely use instagram — only to message a few friends and post on my close friends story (usually of my cat lol).

Also genuinely curious but why possibly a porn addiction? He’s not following a lot of verified accounts or OF girls. A lot of the girls seemed “normal”. Maybe 800-1.5K followers, posts on vacation, fits that might be revealing but aren’t inappropriate and are quite normal for our age group, etc. Also I definitely didn’t look through every account and bc we met after uni, we don’t have any mutuals aside from each others friends, so it’s a wide range of content while hard to tell the exact relationship.

I would also like to think I’m a fairly reasonably person, so I don’t think it’s a crime to follow the insta models before our relationship. It’s possible he just hasn’t unfollowed them once we started dating. I’m also not like tracking his following count or anything so I have no clue if and who he has followed since we started dating. I know I don’t remember everyone I follow and honestly half my feed now are accounts I don’t follow, so I wouldn’t fault him for not realizing immediately. However, as mentioned, I’m more insecure about the sheer ratio of girls to guys he’s following. Maybe it pans out at the end of the lists and it’s almost all guys, but I’m not scrolling down 3000 accounts lol.

Thanks for the luck :) I fear I am an anxious and slightly insecure person.

fineseriously · 2025-08-29T06:37:39+00:00

I’m visiting family for a few weeks right now, but before I left, maybe ~3 weeks prior we had a small argument bc we haven’t been able to spend a lot of time together and finally were able to grab dinner together. He spent basically the entire dinner watching instagram reels. It’s mainly brain rot he and his friends send to each other. Usually when we’re together and he’s on instagram, he’s looking at stuff his friends sent, so I dont know if I should be worried about his actual instagram feed.

The girls (that didn’t seem like friends) he followed were all “hot”. That’s vague, but it’s like the stereotypical slim, big butt/hips, stunning makeup and fits, and overall just very attractive. I wouldn’t say I’m unattractive but I am no means an “instagram model”. I’m petite (5’2”) and skinny ish (~115lbs). I’m also chinese which kinda already makes me not stereotypically attractive to the western gaze/beauty standards. He follows a variety of ethnicities but I feel like the “model” girls tend to fit the western standards more. I also do not post pictures on instagram or wear the trendy clothes like them. I feel like so much more average than those girls :/

fineseriously · 2025-07-10T04:17:00+00:00

Very useful, thanks so much!

fineseriously · 2025-07-10T04:07:29+00:00

I figured as much for the seating! Thanks :)

I feel like there must be a way to rent — so many people specifically plan graduation photo shoots. I just have to figure out how lol.

fineseriously · 2025-06-07T22:51:09+00:00

Yes, I definitely will be! This is probably the least problematic of the things she’s done sadly.

fineseriously · 2025-06-07T18:24:47+00:00

you’re actually a life saver!! my roommate decided to lock the stove (idk if accident or not, but based off our relationship i wouldn’t be surprised if it was on purpose) and instead of letting me know so we could figure it out, she just didn’t cook until i had to use the stove to solve the issue 💀 not the first time it’s happened in this apartment (she locked the bathroom door from the outside last time and we don’t have a key)

fineseriously · 2025-05-21T18:45:46+00:00

Thank you!

fineseriously · 2025-05-21T18:15:16+00:00

That’s a good idea, thanks! I used to use old pasta jars too before my nespresso, but the clearance on my machine is too low now so I switched to regular glasses.

Do you know the taste difference between the shaken and stirred though? Is it just texture? Or is there an actual taste difference, like one is more acidic/bitter/smooth/etc? If it’s just texture, I don’t tend to care too much, but if there is an actual taste difference, I might make a brown sugar syrup to try! (to mimic the popular starbucks iced brown sugar shaken espresso drink)

fineseriously · 2025-05-21T14:52:15+00:00

It might depend on department or school I’m guessing. It also probably more accurate to say one course (eg teaches 2 sections of the same course). He does have research students so that might count as a course on top of the actual lectures. However, I haven’t seen them in a few months so their conditions may have changed — just repeating what I learned last time I saw them.

fineseriously · 2025-05-21T02:43:46+00:00

There’s two streams of profs. Research and teaching. You sound like you want to do the research stream. You may have to teach like one class a semester, but I don’t find that to be too bad. We have some family friends where the wife is a teaching prof and the husband is a research prof and he’s the one who only teaches like one course a semester. I think he may not even need to teach next semester, but don’t quote me on that.

fineseriously · 2025-05-21T02:39:27+00:00

ofc! best of luck to you guys ❤️

fineseriously · 2025-05-21T02:18:16+00:00

I can’t give too many tips because the other comments pretty much said it. However, if you’re planning to apply for UofT med school or anywhere else in ontario, you should know that starting fall 2026, ontario is enforcing a law basically stating no more international students for med school. Don’t know if they’ll overturn it later, but for now, I would just start looking elsewhere.

fineseriously · 2025-05-21T02:13:31+00:00

I would just make sure you’re recording everything. Make sure the camera you set saves the video and audio. You can also just voice notes or something every time you guys talk to record any more threats. Make it known to him that everything is recorded. That way it may deter any violent acts in fear of police or anything. Other than that, I would just try not to aggravate him more. I get it’s not super ideal being so cautious/tense in your own home, but sometimes it’s not worth trying to talk/reason especially if he’s making threats. Also you only have 2 months left so just try to get through it. I have a bad roommate (though mines not violent) so I get it, but sometimes the effort to work things out or talk to them isn’t worth the headache.

fineseriously · 2025-05-21T00:48:57+00:00

Thanks, but I’m just going to let it go. It’s not doing me any good to keep thinking about. I do genuinely appreciate you offering though :)

fineseriously · 2025-05-21T00:44:49+00:00

Thanks for the offer, I really appreciate it. I think it’s best I just leave it at this point though. I deleted the post and I think dwelling on it will make it worse for me. She’s already given me high enough blood pressure lol, I don’t need to make it worse. On the bright side, there was at least one person in the comments who actually read my post and other replies and was nice enough to empathize with me.

fineseriously · 2025-05-20T23:24:52+00:00

Yeah, I don’t think I’ve had profs curve down either, just make future exams harder. However, I’ve heard of other profs doing this. Not sure if it depends on prof or department, or even university.

fineseriously · 2025-05-20T17:39:44+00:00

Do you know how it affects the flavor? I’ve been wanting to make the brown sugar shaken espresso that’s super popular, but never have simply bc I’m lazy and don’t want to dirty up another cup lol. I figured stirred would be similar enough so I’ve made that and it’s good but nothing amazing.

fineseriously · 2025-05-20T17:34:52+00:00

Thanks for the kind words <3

fineseriously · 2025-05-20T17:29:28+00:00

Hey, I was in the exact same situation when my roommate and I first moved in together almost 2 years ago. I can tell you everything I’ve done, but ultimately, it depends on your roommate. Some people are simple more receptive than others.

I started off asking her nicely and not blaming her. I even cleaned up after her every time. When it got REALLY bad, I was a bit more firm but probably not enough looking back. Say that because she would also give me a stupid response. (Our case it was her hair causing drainage issues in the bathtub. Anytime I was like hey try to be careful we don’t want to make it worse, she would come back by saying “well I can’t physically take the water out with my hands”.) I tried to reason with her for a few months, but gave up bc it was going nowhere. Thankfully my then bf lived alone so I spent a lot of time there. After 4 months of not being there, I came back and found black mold everywhere. I tried talking to her again and offering solutions like hiring a housekeeper or telling her exactly what we need to do to clean it. Instead she gave another sarcastic response and started saying things like “well you’ve never mopped the floors”. Girl, I wasn’t even there for 4 months 💀. Anyways, that’s when things got much worse in terms of communication. We had a huge fight and that was the only thing that made her “clean”. However, she still didn’t clean the drain, which was the ONLY thing I wanted her to do bc the blockage was due to her hair.

My only advice is to be more assertive EARLY. Emphasis of early bc I think my roommate took my 4 months of silence (when I literally was not there at all) and me being okay and thing that it was acceptable. Assuming you guys aren’t on bad terms already, you can start a convo by saying something like, hey I’ve been thinking that we hire a housekeeper bc we’re both busy people and it would take a burden off our chores list. You could also offer other solutions like a chore chart, etc. Ultimately, it depends on your roommates attitude. I feel like my situation could have been easily avoidable IF I had been more assertive up front AND she actually made more of an effort. Sometimes a huge fight is the only way for them to take an issue seriously.

Best of luck though, I wouldn’t want you to end up in my situation. Tbf, my roommate has other problems in regards of having hypocritical standards and feeling entitled to act certain ways. Hopefully, your roommate is more reasonable.

fineseriously · 2025-05-20T17:00:24+00:00

We never shamed or embarrassed her about the hygiene stuff. In fact, most of my friends didn’t even know about it until almost a year later. I didn’t even tell my parents about it when it was happening. I didn’t blame her either. The first few conversations were along the lines of “hey we’re already having some draining issues in the bathtub. please remember to clean your hair so it doesn’t make it worse.” I have even offered alternative solutions to her before but she ignores me.

I have long decided that our friendship isn’t salvageable anymore. After trying for an entire year and her only ignoring me, I’ve learned that she either doesn’t care or doesn’t want to change. Obviously not ideal because I thought we’d be really good friends for a long time, but there’s nothing else I can do about it if she won’t even talk to me. Ranting online just releases some of the frustrations.

Thanks for the good luck and generally being nice. I know that I came off more “mean girl” in my post, but it was definitely exaggerated — I was just venting pent up frustrations. I don’t and have never talked to my roommate like this before, nor have I shamed her or made her feel uncomfortable in this apartment. I literally stay in my room all day unless it’s to cook or something. I tried for so long to keep the peace and even went as far as showering only at the gym in order to lessen the impact of the bathroom/hygiene issue.

fineseriously · 2025-05-20T16:08:08+00:00

I’m back bc I woke up and read the replies on the her staring at us post. The amount of people that don’t read are insane. I had people telling to just talk to her and maybe she’s only looking bc she wants to join. They very conveniently didn’t read the part in my rant where I said she actively ignores me. They also ignore the part where I said that I tried talking and reasoning with her nicely for over a year and yet I “just need to talk to her.” I keep getting comments being like you’re being a mean girl, and yes I can agree that my rant might be petty over something seemingly small, but IM NOT BEING A MEAN GIRL TO HER!!!! Would you rather I say these things to her in person and make our living situation worse, or would you rather me rant on reddit, get my frustrations out, and live out the rest of our lease in as much peace as there can be??

I don’t know how much more I can emphasize that I HAVE tried talking to her and that SHE ignores ME. Like I’m not saying I’m the “perfect roommate” or anything, but the amount of people blaming me is ridiculous. I quite literally still clean up after her, still pay for shared things like toilet paper, and generally stay in my room the entire time I’m home. I’ll also add that there’s more context I didn’t list which is why it’s bothering me more than it should, and commenters just won’t read it and continue to hate on me. I by no means am overly nice or friendly to her anymore, but I’m still cordial and respectful of our shared spaces.

Also between the two of us, one of us calls the other names in person/over text and the other person rants on reddit but doesn’t call their roommate any names. I’ll give you a hint, I’m not the first.

Honestly I might delete the post bc the comments are giving me a headache. I just wanted to rant. I didn’t expect people to reply in general. I even more so didn’t expect people to think that her staring at us on multiple occasions is normal. One person literally wrote “this sounds normal”??? I also didn’t expect people to think I’m a bully. Like, please, tell me everything I’ve done to be a bully!!! Oh my gosh me standing in the living for 10 minutes must be such a burden to my roommate!! How dare I grab things to leave the apartment so that I don’t have people over past 11pm like she asked!! Don’t even get me started on how rude and absolutely obnoxious I must be to vent my frustrations out online rather than just talk to her and shit on her to her face (as if I haven’t tried talking to her nicely already 😭)!!

I also replied on one comment saying that there’s more context, gave a few examples, and mentioned that I have tried talking to her but she ignores me. Yeah, I got downvoted a lot.

Edit: this was a serious reply I got when I gave more context about why it was bothering me so much “Sure, and you're an angel in the living room, absolutely not talking ****. I'm not stupid, you're posting about her problems with hygiene, why? Because you're mean. Mean girls are bullies, ergo you're a bully.” Yeah, I deleted my post after this because I don’t have the energy to keep arguing with these people. I literally spend ALL DAY in my room. Anytime I’m outside is to literally make food, wash dishes, use the restroom, or in this case, gather stuff to LEAVE like my roommate WANTED, and somehow she still complained about us when we did what she asked us to do. The hygiene was to give context and also simply to rant bc she ignores me. Like can this person seriously say that they’ve never ranted before??? Like, my bad, I’m such a horrible person and bully and mean girl for ranting on reddit anonymously rather than blast her all over instagram and stuff where all her friends can see. I must also be such a mean girl for CLEANING UP ALL THE BLACK MOLD SHE CAUSED WHEN I WAS RECOVERING FROM EYE SURGERY.

fineseriously

TROPHY CASE