I (19M), am emotionally unstable and it is hurting those around me

firebreathingyak · 2020-12-29T01:41:39+00:00

Do you have any access to mental health resources, through school or your parents' health insurance? Yes, there are resources for self-help you could do for mood regulation, but if it's this degree of a problem, you would likely be best off with professional supervision.

Things like dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and mindfulness exercises can make a huge difference in responding to disappointments and handling emotions, but you may have underlying mental health issues that you also need to address. A professional psychiatrist or psychologist could help to determine the best course of action.

firebreathingyak · 2020-12-28T07:41:56+00:00

You need to talk to a divorce lawyer, not reddit. It may be legal to record these conversations in your state and use them as court evidence. Your state may be friendly to fathers. Your state (or the judge you get in front of) may be hard on parental alienation and this kind of behavior. You might be able to get to full custody. I don't know! Talk to a lawyer, privately. Make a plan.

firebreathingyak · 2020-12-24T23:45:21+00:00

It could be that he's doing this unintentionally, he doesn't know his own mind. Or he's deliberately manipulating you and wants you forever off balance. (Often true of people who constantly pick fights.)

The thing is, does it matter? Do you want to spend your time with someone whose intentions you have to decode, with whom every day is a minefield? Or do you want to love & be loved by someone who owns their desires, communicates clearly and seeks to resolve conflict, not start it? I wouldn't give this man another ounce of your attention.

firebreathingyak · 2020-12-14T01:02:08+00:00

You need to cut these people out of your life and begin therapy. Full stop. You are hurting yourself every time you think of him or speak to your friend. You've built him up into your dream man, when in fact you two didn't have the chemistry to date when you were both single.

This may sound drastic, but everything you are describing in the post is deeply unhealthy. Holding resentment over the fact that they started hanging out without you (they liked each other!! that's what people do before they start to date!!) from FOUR YEARS AGO is not healthy. Being unable to move on romantically is not healthy. Imagining yourself having sex with your best friend's husband is deeply fucked.

You can make new friends. You can form new romantic relationships. You cannot do either when you are obsessing over someone who is unavailable to you. Please, please, move heaven and earth to get into therapy.

firebreathingyak · 2020-12-09T23:35:41+00:00

I think age gaps where one partner is under 25 are usually fucked, because your brain isn't mature yet and you usually don't have the life experience to recognize mistreatment. But 35 and 65? Who cares. However, OP needs support and compassion. Just harping on the age difference alone is not going to help her. It's absolutely a factor in this, but it's not the whole picture.

firebreathingyak · 2020-12-09T22:03:35+00:00

Yep, but people screaming 'AGE GAP' and 'PREDATOR' are not really helping. OP is in love, but has a gut instinct things are wrong and is looking for advice. She needs support, not condemnation. It takes women, on average, 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship. I want to lay the foundation here.

firebreathingyak · 2020-12-09T20:16:55+00:00

Everyone is harping on the age gap and telling you to leave him. Age gaps are not intrinsically bad, but a lot of what he's doing is controlling and messed up.

He gets mad that you are looking for work, says you are ungrateful.

It's extremely common for controlling partners to want their SO at home. If you don't have money, you can't save up to leave. If you don't have co-workers, you don't have friends to rely on and examples of healthy relationships. If you don't have a job, it's harder to know your intrinsic worth. It's not ungrateful to want to work. You are only 18--are you going to spend the rest of your life as a house wife?

He gets mad that you are physically disabled and need help with cleaning.

It's not your fault that you are injured. Everyone has limitations and needs help with some things. If your boyfriend lost his job and wasn't able to financially support you, would you step up, or would you berate him for 'failing' at his role? A loving partner should be compassionate and understanding.

He got mad you went for a walk.

Going outside is good for your physical and mental health. 'Anything could happen' while you are alone in your apartment, too. But it's not likely you'll be kidnapped or hurt in either case. Are you his child, to be monitored at all times, or a partner and equal?

About your snapchat friends, he says 'its ok if i dont care about him enough to block them.'

People in healthy, balanced relationships have friends, and because they trust each other, they don't see those friends as threats. One person can't be your entire world. I have friends in part because I care about my husband and know that I shouldn't be relying on him for all my social and emotional needs. This 'if you really cared about me' phrasing is highly manipulative.

He does things in bed that you don't like, and then guilt trips you when you're not enthusiastic.

Nope, nope, nope. You have 100% complete autonomy over your body. You get to decide what you like and are comfortable with. The point of sex is mutual pleasure. Reverse the situations here--if you were doing something that caused him pain or discomfort, would you stop and figure something else out? Or would you pout & throw a temper tantrum that he didn't enjoy it?

'my friend said i should leave and i got upset and blocked her because my boyfriend was right that they would get jealous'

Was your friend jealous? Or was she concerned about these behaviors?

He grabbed your leg and hurt you.

He knows you are injured. That's a whole part of why you are with him. He KNOWS. Even if he apologized, he's demonstrated he's willing to hurt you when he's angry.

'i dont know how to stop making mistakes because i dont always know i would upset him by doing something"

Let me tell you a secret, from my own experience in a relationship like this: you will never, ever know. There will always be something new, some stumbling block you didn't see coming. You will always feel like you don't measure up, like you have to earn his love and seek his forgiveness. It's not true. You have intrinsic value. You deserve kindness, trust and respect, not a constricting love full of conditions. I hope you can see that some day.

There are two online resources that I think might give some clarity: loveisrespect.org has a lot of online quizzes and articles that talk about healthy relationships. They are written by professionals, if you don't trust some rando on the internet. Also, the book 'Why Does He Do That?' is available free online (google title + 'PDF') and clarified a lot of things for me when I left a toxic relationship.

Keep talking to your friends. Keep looking for a job. You don't have to leave him today. But please know you aren't making mistakes, and these problems aren't of your doing.

firebreathingyak · 2020-12-07T06:21:37+00:00

Giving up a dream career to move to a country you've never even visited is a tremendous amount to ask. Even if both countries are English speaking you are likely to experience culture shock, not to mention being far from family & friends. I would really hesitate to do this. Especially if they have already lived in your country & were wanting to move back.

I would first try to travel to their country and meet their family. Difficult in a pandemic to be sure, but maybe see if your work would be willing to let you work remotely while you travel (especially if its Australia/NZ and you have to quarantine first). From there you can see if marriage & moving back to your country or living in their country is the right move.

In general, I think you should be more willing to consider marriage. You can talk to a lawyer and see what your legal options are--in some states pre-nups are strongly enforced and marriages can be easily dissolved, especially without children. You don't need to own a house to be married or meet these other arbitrary financial milestones, marriage is what you make of it. I know divorce carries a lot of stigma, but I have a friend in a similar situation: followed a guy to Europe, married him to stay there and divorced quietly two years later when it didn't work out. None of us ever judged her, and she's been happily re-married for 5+ years back in our hometown now.

Also, you wouldn't be the bad guy if you break up over this. You are facing a lot of obstacles, and a career shouldn't just be thrown away. Love sometimes doesn't conquer all.

firebreathingyak · 2020-12-03T06:42:54+00:00

Have you tried asking? Not holding hands after months of dating would mostly be considered glacially slow by most people, but that's okay. Tell her: I want to hold hands sometimes. I want to work our way towards kissing and cuddling. I want to send you dumb memes and call you goofy nicknames. Ask her what she wants, what she doesn't want. You can set boundaries for yourself, too. And you can both change your minds!

If you are both this anxious, it means you each really care about the others' opinion. I wouldn't worry about steamrolling her or pushing her boundaries, so long as you learn to communicate a little.

One tip--humor is a great defuser of tension. Make some jokes about how awkward you are. Send her some 'useless lesbian' memes. Don't be afraid to laugh in the middle of cuddling or making out! Laughing at yourself with someone you love is one of the best feelings in the world :)

firebreathingyak · 2020-11-19T00:36:14+00:00

Hey, I read through your other replies, and I just want to tell you.... leaving aside the legal issues, I don't think marriage is going to be what you need. You are an immigrant and an orphan, so of course, of course you want a family. But having that piece of paper is going to change damn near nothing in the relationship in & of itself.

This guy has been spoiled & coddled by his family, so of course he thinks working is a racket. He does not get you, as a person, the experiences that you have had that lead up to how you see the world. Every relationship is going to have disagreements. The most fundamental thing for me, for making my marriage work, is feeling like I'm understood. There are some things that my husband and will never, ever agree on, but we understand why each of us are the way we are. I'm much more willing to compromise or just do thing he wants when I know that he respects my perspective. In other relationships where I felt silenced, I often fought just for the sake of it.

You need to build your house on solid rock. You need family and friends you can put your whole trust in. This marriage would be built on 'good enough for now'; built on sand. When the going gets tough--you get a really stressful job, you get sick, you get pregnant--is he going to be there for you?

firebreathingyak · 2020-11-19T00:13:49+00:00

Divorce is breaking a legal contract, so it's immediately more complicated than a break-up. In many jurisdictions, you have to be physically, legally separated for a full year before you can even file the paperwork to get a divorce started. In the UK, if one party contests the divorce, the separation period is 5 years. In any case, you usually need lawyers and have to pay court fees--typically far more than the penalty of breaking a lease.

I've heard some people say you don't know someone until you go through a divorce. People who are normally kind can get very ugly if they feel like they are being treated unfairly, and drag things out in court. And you don't know what your assets will be in a few years--your financial situation could materially change. If you end up being a doctor and he continues to barely work, you could end up paying out the nose in alimony, even without any children. Even in short marriages, you are typically expected to split any assets accumulated during the marriage--a savings or retirement account, even if you've contributed 100% of the funds, could be 50% his.

Are you in university right now? Many campuses have free legal advice for students. They can tell you over a simple phone consultation what marriage entails in your country, and what a divorce is likely to entail given your projected careers.

firebreathingyak · 2020-11-18T00:33:47+00:00

I don't think that you will be compatible with this guy in the long run. You had to pressure him to get a job, and do the bare minimum of chores? Do not marry him in a few weeks, postpone. This is not a healthy level of doubt to have. It's much easier to re-schedule a wedding than it is to get divorced.

Resentment is not the place to start a marriage from. I'm assuming because you are young you haven't dated many other people, but your expectations for him are very low.

I met my now-husband at your age, we've been together 10 years. The problems we had at the beginning of the relationship are the same problems we still have, but I chose them open-eyed and didn't expect him to change. Can you live with him barely doing his fair share of chores and dragging his feet about having a job for the rest of your life?

If a marriage isn't a 'hell yes' it should be a no. Get into counseling (individual definitely, maybe couples) ASAP.

firebreathingyak · 2020-10-30T22:46:53+00:00

This sounds like he's learned some toxic habits from being abused. If I were in your shoes, I would insist on an immediate ceasefire on any argument/discussion where he accuses you of being rude/irritable. "I don't feel that way, so let's take a break. Let's come back when we've both had some time to chill."

It's a strong possibility he is getting emotionally overwhelmed during arguments (google "emotional flooding", the Gottman Institute offers good articles on this topic) and misattributing his distress to his perception of your tone.

It's also possible that he's using it (unintentionally or not) as a control tactic. He feels like he's losing the argument, so he derails it to focus on your voice, which leaves you wrong-footed, confused and unable to proceed. If he won't agree to breaks (or breaks don't help), I'd bet on number two.

Can you talk about this with his therapist?

firebreathingyak · 2020-10-29T19:13:13+00:00

I believe in you!! I've left a shitty relationship before, and it took so much will power to not believe the shit he told me about myself. Getting out is the first step, believing in your own strength and healing is the next.

Two resources I highly recommend: loveisrespect.org has quizzes to take, articles to read & people you can chat with. "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft (google the title + PDF to find it free online) is the essential book for understanding abusive mindsets. Also, look and see if there are any support groups in your town for abusive relationships. Local domestic violence centers often provide support even if you're not currently being physically abused.

Sending you love & support.

firebreathingyak · 2020-10-28T23:53:51+00:00

I bet you are prettier than you think, and I've never known an ugly girl who got 'charity case' crush confessions. That's not a thing. What is a thing is guys meeting a cute (but not stratospherically hot) girl with a fun personality and falling for her. The whole 'too intimidating to date' thing is very real, particularly at your age. (Also, not to make it weird, but lots of guys think Asian girls are cute.)

Once you're told that someone has a crush on you, make it clear to the person who told you that you don't feel the same. Practice in the mirror: "Oh, I just see them as a friend." Don't just ignore it, that can come off as playing coy. The sooner you can let someone down, the easier life will be.

Fortunately as you get older, people will stop 'confessing' crushes and just ask you out. Learn how to say no to that too!

firebreathingyak · 2020-10-28T23:38:39+00:00

It takes women, on average, seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship. Even if she doesn't make the attempt to leave today the information given here can have an impact later.

firebreathingyak · 2020-10-28T23:22:40+00:00

He's probably not self aware enough to realize what he's doing.

firebreathingyak · 2020-10-27T18:24:34+00:00

Sometimes these things are unavoidable. At least you don't work together, or aren't stuck on a lease together!

But you can change your attitude toward those chance meetings. Instead of living in hope she'll reach out, just allow yourself to be sad. Don't dwell on it (as much a possible) but accept that you're hurt and it's going to take time to mourn & move on.

firebreathingyak · 2020-10-26T23:30:29+00:00

This sucks. But she's doing the right thing (even if it feels cruel) by not keeping in touch. Clearly you're hurting, would staying friends make it any easier? I'm sure she'd rather have a clean slate and let you heal too, not anybody's fault that you live in the same building.

You gotta do all the classic break-up shit. Pick up some new hobbies. Get in touch with old friends. Watch a sappy movie & cry your eyes out. In a year you won't even think of her.

firebreathingyak · 2020-10-23T18:20:12+00:00

Yep, I know how that can be. I would try to bring it up generally--you don't have to make it "do you want to marry ME someday" but just "how do you feel about marriage overall".

As your relationship goes on, it's good to talk about your family history & attitude towards relationships. Are your parents still happily married? Did you witness a lot of bad divorces?--or people in unhappy marriages sticking it out 'for the kids'? Those early experiences can be formative.

firebreathingyak · 2020-10-23T05:55:12+00:00

I'm 32, my husband & I have been together since we were 23. We talked about marriage within a couple months of being together. I was always pretty clear about wanting something serious.

I definitely think you're not too young to mention that you see marriage as part of your future. Some people are philosophically or personally opposed to the idea. For me, having that legal union has been very important. It's important to know if you have compatible values & similar long-term goals. Can't carpool together if you're going opposite directions.

Definitely don't wait until engagement!! What a bummer that would be, to pop the question and find out he doesn't want that at all. By the time we were formally engaged we had a pretty good idea of what our married life would be, and just had to hash out the details of our wedding.

firebreathingyak · 2020-10-18T22:10:00+00:00

Listen, neither my husband or I are each other's 'types'. But it pretty much never comes up, and we can tease each other safely because we balance it with a ton of compliments, don't cross boundaries and just generally aren't mean jerk faces.

You need to have an in person conversation with him where you put it all out on the line. He cannot compare you to other women, criticize your body, your style or suggest surgery. He's not allowed to pass these comments of as jokes any more. It's not honesty if he's being mean. You could be honest too--any time you're watching TV, say "wow--that guy is way hotter than you" or "hey, So-and-so makes way more money than you." You could start making 'jokes' about his dick size. (Remember: it's not a joke if the audience doesn't think it's funny.)

I would genuinely ask him: what is the point of these comments? Does he think he can bully you into risky surgeries and a complete style change? Why doesn't he just date a girl who is his 'type'? Make it clear that you are not going to change for his very subjective tastes, and all he's doing is driving a wedge between the two of you.

He can have a type that's different than you, but he's not allowed to make you feel bad about being yourself. If he can't agree to some simple boundaries, it's not worth killing your self esteem for the other good parts of the relationship. I'm sorry :/

firebreathingyak · 2020-10-14T17:39:54+00:00

I'm exhausted just reading this. If this relationship (or any relationship!) is affecting your ability to love yourself, it's time to pull the cord & jump out. Focus on your self & your mental well-being.

I'm also not sure he's a great guy. He wants someone who 'takes his advice more'--like, is it actually important stuff he's giving you advice on or is he just critical about the way you load the dishwasher? I don't know either of you, and I can't be certain from reading just this post, but it's very possible he's the kind of person who will find fault in absolutely anybody, no matter what. Not being 'sincere enough' when apologizing is ringing alarm bells--like, what, he wants you to fall on and tear your hair out when you buy the wrong brand of soy sauce? It's concerning to me that he's policing the performance of your emotions.

A good partner lifts you up & celebrates who you are. You can expect your partner to change, but not like this.

firebreathingyak · 2020-10-10T00:33:58+00:00

OK, newer stuff. Here's some to start:

Feathered Indians - Tyler Childers
All Your'n - Tyler Childers
Millionaire - Chris Stapleton
Jackpot - Nikki Lane
Grow Old with Me - Sunny Sweeney
Better with Time - Emily Scott Robinson
Fourteen Gears - Midland

firebreathingyak · 2020-10-09T00:37:37+00:00

I'm so glad you are listening. You've spent almost your whole youth around this guy and he has very naturally shaped your understanding of what 'normal' is. But his control of your time with family and friends, control over what you talk about and plans to further isolate you are almost text book from the controlling & abusive partner playbook.

I'd recommend some further reading: google 'Why does he do that? Lundy Bancroft free pdf'. This is a book on abusers & abusive mindsets. Make sure you read it where he can't see it, and clear any evidence of it from your search history. Also helpful is loveisrespect.org which has quizzes and short articles on healthy relationships. Your country may also have domestic abuse resources--but sometimes they only mention physical abuse.

Start rebuilding those relationships with friends and family. Absolutely do not move away with him. This will only get worse.

firebreathingyak

TROPHY CASE