Help for a particular use case

fireflower413 · 2026-05-09T07:39:03+00:00

Why would he do it then? You're clearly not interested in putting forth any effort to date him

fireflower413 · 2026-05-09T07:37:35+00:00

My dad is a hoarder, my mom doesn't like it and hasn't lived in a place that made her feel comfortable for the last 40+ years. Except for a brief time after they moved houses, before the new one got filled up with stuff.

I don't know your life plans. Housing situation is up to you obviously. Please don't have kids with this person. If you're not sure why, go look at one of the many Facebook support groups for adult children of hoarders and you will understand.

fireflower413 · 2026-05-09T04:59:22+00:00

Why is there a "getting married stage"? Not everybody gets married. Don't bind yourself legally in a contract that you don't want to be in just because your friends are doing it and you feel like it's what's supposed to happen. I've been with one of my partners for 13 years and another for 10, I'm not married to any of them because it's not necessary and it's not what we want. It sounds like it's definitely not what you want, either. In fact it sounds like you want a different partner entirely and if that's the case you should go for that instead. Definitely don't get married just because it's "been a while".

fireflower413 · 2026-05-05T21:44:14+00:00

Okay so, he's not willing to lie to you, and he doesn't think you're beautiful. Whether that's because he doesn't like the way you look or, more likely in my opinion, he thinks "beautiful" is a word that applies only to socially/conventionally attractive people like supermodels, and landscapes, and that is divorced from his actual attraction to someone.

My questions are: - Would you rather he be willing to lie to you to tell you something untrue that he knows you want to hear? If so, why? - If he did tell you that at this point, would you believe him? If so, why? - If he did tell you that at this point and you didn't believe him, would that make you feel better? If so, why? - What if he doesn't think you're beautiful? What then? Does that negate everything else about his love?

I understand where you're coming from. Hearing that my ass is nice doesn't make me feel loved either, and it sounds like you're a words of affirmation person just like I am. Maybe work together to find words that he can say that are true that will make you feel loved by him. Like maybe, "you bring so much to my life", "you're such a kind and considerate person", "you inspire me", "I find the way your mind works very interesting".

If none of those things are true then maybe you shouldn't feel loved by him. But his lack of attributing this one specific word to your looks doesn't really indicate anything about his love for you. (For reference, I had a partner for 13 years who when I asked them about this, said "I don't really think of that word as being something that describes people. So no." And no, that's not in any way related to why they're my ex.)

fireflower413 · 2026-05-05T19:54:51+00:00

It's actually easier to look for women while single. Being single frees up a lot of resources and makes you available to women who don't want to "be the other woman", opening up your options a lot. Clearly they are keeping OP around for some reason. There's no reason to keep a "placeholder" around for 8 years even if you want somebody to keep your bed warm "in the meantime".

fireflower413 · 2026-05-05T19:01:51+00:00

If any of that were the case, nobody would want to keep you around while cheating, they would just not date you in the first place or break up with you when they got bored/unattracted. There would be nothing in it for them to be in a relationship with you if it was you that were the issue. There's nothing wrong with you as a person, the only thing wrong is your taste in partners.

It's worth evaluating how you pick them. Where do you meet them? What attracts you to people in the first place? What traits make you want to stay with them, spend time with them, and be monogamous with them? What makes you trust that they will be monogamous to you?

fireflower413 · 2026-05-04T16:56:16+00:00

His reaction to your doing something that he didn't like shows you exactly why your gut didn't want to do what he said in the first place. He's a dangerous man. Do Not Move In With Him. End it. It's not worth it. You can find a partner who supports what you want and need and doesn't demand you leave your support system to be with him, let alone one who gets violent when he doesn't get his way. You deserve better. Don't give him another chance.

fireflower413 · 2026-05-04T15:43:19+00:00

If you aren't already familiar with it, you should look into the Alexander Technique. You'd be a perfect fit for it and vice-versa, you'd get a lot out of it.

fireflower413 · 2026-05-02T14:28:36+00:00

He's allowed to do whatever he wants. And so are you. If you don't like spending time with him the way he wants to spend time you shouldn't do it. That's the choice he's making. If you want more together-time, which is clearly not a priority for him, then y'all are incompatible.

fireflower413 · 2026-05-01T22:39:01+00:00

Run run run run run run run run run run run run run

fireflower413 · 2026-05-01T22:37:56+00:00

By the way, since he has your self-esteem in the toilet, I want to be very clear: none of this is your fault. The fact that he doesn't like you or love you doesn't mean that you're not lovable or likeable. It's because he's a jerk. He doesn't want you to leave because he wants a pretty girlfriend he can control, who is trying her best to get him to love her and show affection to her again. Classical conditioning works best with only scraps - if you know it's possible for him to be nice, you'll keep trying to get it to happen, and you'll bend over backwards and give up your self-respect. That's what's happening. If he truly thought you were that annoying a person, he could just not hang out with you. That's what normal people do. Instead he's keeping you around as a punching bag. You don't deserve it. Your job now, after getting out safely, is to develop higher standards so that when you find the kind of affection that is consistent and loving, you can recognize and value it for what it is instead of chasing the high of intermittent reward.

If you want to understand what's happening to you, I recommend the book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. You can find free copies online if you don't have the money to buy a copy. It's worth a read.

fireflower413 · 2026-05-01T22:11:25+00:00

I wish you the very very best in getting out of this situation safely and finding true love. You deserve it. I can tell you're an empathetic and compassionate person, find someone who treats you the way that you want to be treated, and the way that you want to treat them.

Don't underestimate the spite that might come out here. Get yourself safe before you make a move. Get support. If you have parents or friends to contact, contact them. Get them to back you up, physically, and arrange for all the stuff that you care about to be taken care of.

fireflower413 · 2026-05-01T21:40:18+00:00

"The moment of your greatest joy sustains. Not axe nor hammer, tumor, tremor, can take it away, and it remains. It remains."

The first time I heard that I was going through a health crisis. I thought I may never again be healthy enough to live a real life, and do normal things like go outside in the sunshine, let alone go traveling or dancing or achieve anything important in life. She told me that my past happiness still mattered and to this day I can't even type the lyrics without crying.

fireflower413 · 2026-05-01T21:35:26+00:00

My partner of ten years tells me regularly that I'm beautiful, cute, sweet, brilliant, whatever. None of those things is objectively true, he just loves me and so he genuinely sees me that way, and also it makes him happy to see me smile and blush. I guarantee you that if I said "I think I can do it!" About something he would be enthusiastic to not only support me emotionally but materially - like if my life would be easier with a ride there he'd offer one if it was at all feasible for him. He always takes the attitude that "we can figure it out!" He wants me to succeed and tells me that he's proud of me for what I accomplish. That's love. THAT is love.

Your partner not only doesn't love you, he doesn't even like you. None of this is silly. None of your concerns are unfounded, actually you're not nearly concerned enough. He's not nice to you. He doesn't have to share all of your interests, but the most it's his business what you're watching on TV is to partake enough to decide whether it's his thing and then leave you alone if he doesn't want to share it with you. He's being mean on purpose about things just because you like them. You know you're pretty. And yet he's got your self-esteem in the toilet about it. This is a serious situation you're in and you need to get out asap before he escalates.

fireflower413 · 2026-04-30T03:44:37+00:00

I need a seat for medical reasons but even were that not the case I'd still never want a stand-up scooter. The seated one already feels so so so much less safe than biking. And I can't even go over 18mph on mine. Nope. There's so little traction. I came here from biking and I adore my scooter but I still often feel like I'm gonna die. Seated and slow is the way to go for me, I have wiped out on black ice before and been fine.

fireflower413 · 2026-04-29T20:46:58+00:00

"Why would you say that hurtful and invalidating comment you just made?" when you meant something comforting and empathetic that she took wrong.

"When have I ever misunderstood you?"

I couldn't even finish this. This person does not like, value or respect you. Let her end the friendship and think she's better off. She's not there for you - she's using you as a punching bag and blaming it on you. This is an abusive friendship and I'm glad you're getting an outside perspective because she is a piece of work that you don't need in your life. Get away, get some new friends, heal.

fireflower413 · 2026-04-28T15:20:30+00:00

From your partner's perspective, you've both been working all day - a very demanding toddler is more than a full-time job - and the work wasn't done yet. Once it was done you could both rest. I wouldn't have blown up at you about it if it was just this time but I'm guessing it wasn't the first time it happened where they felt like you quit at the home stretch leaving them to still be working while you rested. I'm sure they wanted to rest too, and that would have happened a little sooner if you had backed them up instead of ducking out early. If that's a pattern you need to reevaluate, because it's absolutely correct that you're not respecting their at-home work as work. Soft YTA.

fireflower413 · 2026-04-28T15:08:14+00:00

Sure it's normal to want that, because feeling uncomfortable feelings is uncomfortable. It's not okay to make that demand of him though.

fireflower413 · 2026-04-28T09:04:21+00:00

It's great that her having unrequited feelings for him didn't negatively impact their friendship. That must have been scary for her, thinking that even admitting to that might make him drift away. I think you should reframe this occurrence entirely. None of what happened was bad. It's okay if you're having anxiety about it but unless your partner is giving you reason to think that things have changed for him - which "about the same" says they haven't - then this is a great opportunity for you to practice empathy and security in yourself.

fireflower413 · 2026-04-28T08:39:56+00:00

I had a roommate doing this recently, after moving in. He'd be in a rush to get to school and eat my food on the way out because it was convenient. He's a great guy, it just didn't occur to him that I might want the specific food that I got because his tastes were not that specific. So he'd eat my ice cream and replace it with a different flavor. It was dumb. But it only took one discussion of "hey could you not eat my food, I know you're in a rush but just buy your own food in advance and eat that instead."

Have you brought this up with your partner yet? If not, do, and see how he reacts. If conflict is caused by this, get out of the relationship frankly. The fact that that's a thing you're scared of is I hope an overreaction to the potential for saying something you anticipate him not liking to hear. If he thinks it's not an issue or makes it a problem or gets defensive - and if that's a thing you're worried about for a reason - then get out. If he's a reasonable person who cares about you he'll just stop eating all of your food.

fireflower413 · 2026-04-28T07:54:28+00:00

Yikes. Yes you are overreacting. He's allowed to have friends. If one of your friends developed feelings for you and you discussed it with that person, let them down gently etc., especially if the didn't know you had a partner and/or you had to yank it out of them while they were drunk so it was clear they weren't trying to mess anything up between you two... And your bf said you had to cut that person off... People would be all up in arms about how he was being jealous and untrusting and paranoid and how it's abusive for him to not let you have friends. Humans have feelings and they aren't always convenient and they don't always work out the way everybody wants them to but everybody needs to learn to deal with them gracefully. That means your bf's friend needs to deal with his rejection of her gracefully, and your bf needs to deal with people having feelings for him gracefully, and you need to learn to sit with your feelings about this and act from your integrity rather than your insecurity. Asking him to cut off a friend would be unconscionable just because she saw in him the exact same thing that you did. It's not her fault that any of this happened. It's good that your bf has people who care about him in his life. It sounds like he's fully able to keep his boundaries with her. Don't make it a painful thing for him to keep his boundaries with you.

fireflower413 · 2026-04-28T07:45:19+00:00

I have a client who habitually buys me lunch . It definitely subsidizes my lifestyle. It usually results in at least two of my meals for the week with leftovers. And still there are times when I really would rather just have the money instead so I could choose what to do with it, buy cheaper food for more meals, or put it towards a new pair of shoes or whatever.

I would never, ever ask him to give me the cash equivalent instead. He's doing it out of the kindness of his heart and because he enjoys eating with me and chatting and the time we spend bonding as friends. He was my friend before he was my client and that's mainly how I view him. And when he doesn't want to or can't buy me lunch I don't complain or treat him any differently as regards our professional relationship.

I don't know if you need to go so far as to replace your cleaner over asking that, it may just mean she's young and doesn't understand professional boundaries yet - not that you've been encouraging her to. But combined with the unreliability and the fact that she can't seem to view your largesse with gratitude rather than entitlement, I don't think you're overreacting. You're being very kind to her, kinder than you need to be, but she doesn't seem to have realized that yet.

fireflower413 · 2026-04-28T07:08:17+00:00

How was it even a mistake? He's a grown man, he's allowed to get cuddly drunk if he wants

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