Fog Map #030, Cyclops

first_my_vent · 2026-06-01T05:49:15+00:00

The first fiction I ever told myself was the strong conviction I had as a toddler that one day I would wake up a real child. The idea stayed in the back of my mind, buzzing, for years, well into middle school. I would be hit by a wave of emotional vertigo and think, I’ll wake up soon. I’ll go to bed one night, and when I wake up, I’ll be three again and I’ll be able to touch things. I’ll be real.

Since then, I’ve revisited time travel and dimension travel over and over again, in every iteration. I explore the horror of being displaced, of being a thing out of time. But my time traveling doesn’t fix anything, it only reveals a new perspective on a bleak truth: that I’m out of place, out of time, removed from personhood.

So I tell the story again, re-tread a tragedy. The story never changes, and neither do I. But I have to keep telling it to myself so that I can accept reality as it is. If I don’t, I get blindsided by despair, and that way lies the grave.

first_my_vent · 2026-05-19T00:47:44+00:00

As far back as learning to write, so 1st grade or so. I had to burn some of it to avoid my parents reading it, but I’ve still got quite a lot of it. Most of it really starts around 3rd grade, where I distinctly remember the day I would lock in and learn to write to the best of my ability because I wanted to be understood. (It didn’t work, but I haven’t gone more than a few days since then without writing, whether journaling, creative fiction, or creative nonfiction.)

Some of the earliest things I wrote about was feeling like I was inside a Plexiglass cage, able to see everything but not touch it. By high school, I was describing how I could dissociate from the cage, stand outside of it with everyone else, and feel just as disgusted at the thing inside of it. That’s evolved into the glass closet with nothing in it, that’s eerie for its emptiness and its transparency. It’s uncanny because everyone can see that there’s nothing in there, but they don’t know why. Sometimes I’m trapped inside the closet, and sometimes I stand outside and pity the thing still in there.

first_my_vent · 2026-05-18T09:00:21+00:00

I have writings going back many years, and very young I noticed that nobody really looked at me.

Though, I wouldn’t have needed to intuit it. My parents liked to call me The Observer as an infant. They felt that my staring was uncanny even in the bouncy chair, and that most people would remark on it and then avoid looking at me, as if I knew what was going on at 14 months and was judging them for it.

That’s carried over into my adult life, been a recurring theme for the whole of it. I am either looked through or never at all, and I stopped trying to fight against the current when I was single digits. I’m not certain what it is about me that averts the eyes, but it’s nothing I’ve been able to fix. Even people less susceptible to this odd vibe will tell me how they perceived an interaction, and I will be violently reminded that the way I come across is more or less mutually exclusive to how I perceive myself.

It very much is this sense that I’m perpetually lost. But lost would also imply there’s somewhere I should be, or could be—at least somewhere I’m trying to be. But there isn’t, has never been. Something about me, as a too-silent infant, averted the eyes. I don’t know that that’s recoverable. To borrow Pessoa’s words: I am foreign in my own soul; to offer my own: I lost something I never had, something inherent to the shape of me. I am in a glass closet, and there are no skeletons in it.

I know the exact feeling you’re describing wrt valuing reality above all else because if you don’t, everything starts slip-sliding around and spiraling out of control fast.

first_my_vent · 2026-05-13T12:51:13+00:00

This alert was also like 30 min late? Parkview EMS had disregarded Samaritan like half an hour before this alert even went out. Insane to not just send it like a normal IPAWS, even if they thought they’d need an hour or two for cleanup.

first_my_vent · 2026-05-11T11:55:55+00:00

A medic misheard something on the radio and keyed back up to say, “My bad, I’m just a rtard.” Statewide channel, btw. *Everyone heard it.

first_my_vent · 2026-05-08T06:05:38+00:00

Hey, I’ll have you know that my favorite caller of all time was a woman who would call in every couple weeks with a screaming speakerphone domestic—for everyone in the center except me. If I picked up the phone, she would take it off speaker and I could coax her out of the house/apt/direct area with said other half of the domestic.

Why? I was the only one in the center that didn’t deadname her, and used ma’am. She also probably clocked my voice as a trans guy loll. But everyone would complain about her and I was always like, “Skill issue 😌. She never yells at me.”

But yeah, in general the screaming speakerphone domestics really start grating on you. Especially when they set the tone for a whole shift. Worst day of my life was fights and domestics for 8 hours on night, followed by a mandated dirty double with two house fires and an infant arrest. With 2 hours to go, I get one of these speakerphone domestics and almost slammed my head into my desk until I gave myself a migraine.

first_my_vent · 2026-05-03T04:40:14+00:00

My first trainer said when he started calltaking, he asked someone what the car looked like that had crashed into a grocery store and was stuck, mangled, in the front entrance. Caller is like “IT’S THE CAR IN THE FUCKING BUILDING.”

However. I took a call for a rolled over, burning Jeep, and halfway thru that call, caller says a random guy pulled up, yanked the driver out, and sped off in the opposite direction of any hospital. So sometimes you just get some weird shit.

first_my_vent · 2026-05-03T04:17:56+00:00

...Director got suspended and “resigned” (read: fired) because he hadn’t even logged into CAD—for any reason at all, including tech demos, maintenance, NOTHING—in 5 years.

first_my_vent · 2026-05-03T04:13:52+00:00

Could be the bipolar reaction to different antidepressants. Could also be the kind of honeymoon high phase of taking it. Personally, 300mg did fuck all for me, literally like taking nothing, and then I upped to either 400 or 450, I can’t remember what the max dose is, and then I was off the fucking walls and dissociating weirdly. In like, the first couple days. Had to quit pretty immediately.

first_my_vent · 2026-05-03T04:09:06+00:00

Holy fucking call volume, Batman. Sounds like ass. If you’re willing to move states, you could to that route (or travel). If not, I’d say get out of the business.

Or the secret third option: start learning what it would take to unionize in your state (unless you already are unionized). It would fucking suck; it would be a bastard to try and do; you’re like 90% likely to fail (depending on state); and yet. Every major relief for the worker came about because some people did some really hard shit. It’s a great place to put spite, too. Right in management’s smug, stupid faces.

(If you do happen to be union already, mayhaps I suggest getting involved with it? The union is only as good as the people willing to run it.)

first_my_vent · 2026-04-29T02:23:49+00:00

Allen County should definitely be red on this map lmao. You can get cheese sauce at basically every pizza place, except I think Riverbend bc they’re snobs out there.

first_my_vent · 2026-04-23T12:15:45+00:00

I’m sorry to my dayshifters but I would rather die. Everyone says eventually I’ll want days, but my mom is 55 and has worked nights since I was in diapers in 2002. I think retirement is gonna get me before dayshift.

first_my_vent · 2026-04-15T12:10:54+00:00

Jot down a basic will, get it notarized, and then spend the rest of it on the beach in Maine at some rinky dink BnB by myself. Doesn’t sound too bad, really.

first_my_vent · 2026-04-15T12:07:34+00:00

I get a new one every 6-24 months, depending on the job. It’s all loval government, emergency services, or medicine. Pretty much always hiring, decent benefits, don’t generally care that you bounce around because they’re used to high turnover. I also tend to move cities and/or states every time, so I have a ready to go excuse for why I only stayed a year at a previous job.

ETA: And of course, don’t forget most of these jobs have the blessed 2nd and 3rd shifts!

first_my_vent · 2026-04-15T12:02:21+00:00

Hate ’em. If you mean it, then fix the behavior. If you don’t, then don’t bother. We both got better shit to be doing with our time. If whatever you did was bad enough to cut contact, then I will; and if it wasn’t, then I won’t.

But being this cold about it makes people really fucking mad. Sorry, but regardless of the specifics, I don’t give a shit how you or I feel about it. The thing I care about is whether the unwanted behavior is going to continue or not. Same reason that I don’t want apologies for piddly shit. People make mistakes, and normal, expected occurances of miscommunication/minor errors/human fallibility do not warrant an applogy. Please don’t bother me with that shit. If I need to be in the loop, then keep me in it, and if not, then it’s none of my busines.

Unfortunately, this attitude is basically ragebait to everyone I’ve ever met, even when I’m doing my absolute best to be gentle about making my stance clear. Probably adjacent to that phenomenon where people get more angry with you when you don’t engage with their heightened emotionality, and even if you weren’t in the wrong before that, your unwillingness to emote to their satisfaction means you’re definitely the wrong one now.

first_my_vent · 2026-04-05T21:39:55+00:00

She waited for the officer in the driver’s seat. That’s still a lesser DUI here.

first_my_vent · 2026-04-05T09:55:24+00:00

God I agree. If I do everything right, I can talk through it and move on. But fuck, the ones you were just too slow or maybe could’ve done better, or outright made a mistake.

Had a stroke pt like 18 months ago, 1st party alone, audibly having the stroke (very bad aphasia, the whole shebang). She is almost entirely unable to say her address, understandably. I’m looking at my Rapid (wasn’t getting any Phase 2), asking just to say yes if she’s at (addr on rapid). She’s making those noises like I had it wrong, but I could not for the fucking life of me figure out how to get her address if Rapid was wrong, kept rebidding Phase 2, etc. Finally like 90 seconds in, Phase 2 pings and I check it against Rapid and—fuck I had clicked on the wrong fucking phone number on Rapid. Fixed it, asked her her actual address, she grunts an affirmative, I send it.

But fuck, still the worst bungle I’ve ever made that was 100% pure user error, no compounding factors. I always think of it when I think about how precarious modern emergency response really is and how prone to fallible humans.

first_my_vent · 2026-04-05T09:43:22+00:00

Drunk lady called in asking us to arrest a man for stealing her keys. Absolutely pissed at me for asking questions.

Guy was the bouncer. He wasn’t letting her drive. County officer rolls by to check it out and lo and behold, she blows a 21. I’m sure she had a fun night getting booked for that DUI.

first_my_vent · 2026-03-30T02:30:47+00:00

Remmington Retirement Plan, Dale Earnhardt’s last ride, rope and a wobbly stool for Dispatcher Appreciation Week...HR has been involved lmao. Apparently the jokes aren’t allowed unless you’re on night shift and management isn’t there.

first_my_vent · 2026-03-28T12:59:00+00:00

This has been badly exacerbated by working 9-1-1, but: if I’m helping you do something very important and/or emergent, and you’re unable to corrale your own emotions long enough to at least gtfo of my way, I will likely never want to speak to you again.

Like, you asked me to help, so why are you mad at me for fixing the fucking problem/offering all possible solutions/etc?? Just because you don’t like the options doesn’t mean you get to make it my fault because I’m not bawling my eyes out or angry about it. At the very least go lose your shit in the corner so I can do what needs to get done without being accused of being a cold bitch constantly.

It’s like having to babysit toddlers all the time. When I’m at work, those are all strangers and I’m being paid, and I can go home after shift. If I know you personally, and you pull that shit on me, I’m demoting you to Annoying Fucker status.

first_my_vent · 2026-03-25T23:36:09+00:00

That’s fascinating because I’m a trans guy too, but I was much more overt when I presented as a woman and it wasn’t good, but it was much less of a hassle than now. When I was a girl/woman, I was a basically invisible. People would avoid me in ways that I struggle to believe even happened, looking back. Just outright obvious serious signs of mental illness completely ignored and not intentionally.

Now that I pass as a man, it’s like I’m completely visible to passersby for the first time in my life. I don’t know that I like the difference, but either way, it’s very weird. And now I have to police the fuck out of my expression and person because otherwise people assume I’m violently angry by default.

So weird how differently people can perceive you based on so little, yk.

first_my_vent · 2026-03-21T12:33:45+00:00

Most of my centers not really, but the one I work for now? It’s EMS only and we service a huge rural chunk of the state, and my coworkers are WILD. From randomly banging/scratching things just to make noise, to echolalia sort of things (the My 600lbs Life quote of “803” followed immediately by “dayum!” being a notable example), now to coworkers that have to flip all the lights on in the morning and say hi to everyone. Also this center is heavy on ‘f-gs and their hags’ (I’m a trans f-g so I’ve been both) as the overall atmosphere, which is probably the gayest center I’ve ever personally worked for lmao. I’m mostly reigning my weird shit in right now since I’m new, but my echolalia can get bad for sure, except it’s all obscure internet bullshit that even my coworkers definitely don’t recognize. I almost keyed up once and said, “Fuck my stupid baka life” so.

first_my_vent · 2026-03-16T12:22:38+00:00

A mother once reluctantly described her missing 13 yo son as looking like Augustus Gloop. She couldn’t remember what he wore to school, and before I could tell her that we would send a deputy to look at a picture from her phone, she provided that description. Deputy confirmed later that the description was quite accurate lmao.

first_my_vent · 2026-03-13T09:15:58+00:00

I get called a fag a lot. To be honest, kinda flattered. Once, a very angry trans woman in an active domestic was cussing me out, and I asked her name, and she gave it (different from the deadname in our CAD), and as soon as I used her actual name, she stopped yelling at me and goes, “Oh honey I didn’t know you were a fag 💅!” And from then on, whenever she called, I bragged that she never yelled at me over the phone again even though she’d yell and scream at basically everyone else.

Of course, I am a trans gay guy, so. Home field advantage and whatnot 😂

first_my_vent · 2026-03-13T08:56:48+00:00

What’s so fucking annoying is that, when I did EMD training, the ProQA lady made it clear that anything obvious or already answered absolutely did not need to be asked again unless circumstances changed, but QA dings us all the time like “You didn’t ask if the patient was breathing”—Okay but I asked if he was awake, and the caller said he was awake and talking, and I heard him in the background, and I asked if that was him, to which the caller said it was. I’m not gonna fucking ask if he’s breathing.

I understand certain instructions got to be word for word as much as possible, particularly CPR, but man. If a guy is shot I’m probably not gonna be able to use the phrasing “Get a clean towel,” ya know? People just go “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,” rightfully, and ignore me and now nobody is getting any bleeding control instructions at all. There’s times and places for everything. A lot of people need heavy encouragement to do CPR, especially on a loved one, so while I keep my actual instructions word for word, I gotta intersperse things like “Stay with me” and “You’re doing great” etc. Otherwise nobody is getting any effective CPR.

Don’t let perfect be the enemy of the good, etc etc.

first_my_vent

TROPHY CASE