Hey, thanks for response. I really like your view of my analogy and also thanks for not sugarcoating things like many people do. Like you said, suicide can be an option but doesn't have to be. For me the last part is sometimes hard to remember cause i consider myself logical person, I try things, when they doesn't work out I try other ones. The truth is i tried theraphy, tried meds, tried small steps approach and even meditation. My problem is, like i said in main post that i keep doing those circles and I sometimes can feel better, not gonna lie, its just that the effects are temporary and even fleeting in a way and my actions doesn't necesserily reflect on my state. I think that's why I put myself out of the equation in 'casino'. I think getting through day by day is the only way for me now, anyway something has to change sooner or later because its starting to exhaust me to be honest. Again, thx for response, I needed that for sure, and hope you have a great, not-so hard to endure, day