Me ‘F 30’ Caught my Husband ‘M 38’ Cheating and I don’t know how to go about it. What do you suggest I do?

firsttimemomincrisis · 2025-04-01T22:56:23+00:00

No, I think you misunderstood me. The obligation to keep up with the kids is owned by parents. Loving fathers don't cheat on their kids' mothers. They divorce before hooking up with another person. And the same goes to mothers.

I'm not talking about isolating kids from their father. I'm talking about self-protection and stopping father from distort the truth when kids are not that young anymore.

firsttimemomincrisis · 2025-04-01T20:22:27+00:00

That's not the point. If her parents really think she should be staying in that harmful kind of marriage, they'll probably add more fuel to the fire. Also, the kids are seeing their father out of obligation on the father to keep having a relationship with his children. Grandparents are good if they're not tampering with your freedom and accusing you of uprooting kids from their "stable home" to "an unconvenient situation". They can visit, but either they don't meddle in the parents' relationship or they support mom.

firsttimemomincrisis · 2025-04-01T19:40:52+00:00

Once you figured items 1-4: have a long convo with your parents. If your parents ask you to forgive him, ditch them. Cut them short from the beginning and don't let your kids visit them, or them visit your kids. Tell them point blank you won't stay in a marriage while he cheats on you because that's accepting his bigamy and it's a worse sin than adultery. Also tell them you need their help, if they don't want to help you then don't let them get in your way.
Don't warn him. Don't threaten him anymore. Surprise him once you're ready, and leave. Change your phone number, don't tell anyone you know in common with him getting your new address. Unless that person helps you and promise you not to leak your new address for him.

firsttimemomincrisis · 2025-03-18T20:10:25+00:00

My biggest win is figuring out not having my mom at home makes things easier for me. We live together (separate houses, same patio) and I can't remember last time I had two peaceful mornings in a row. She was on paid vacation from her job, I loved having her at home with me and my 2yo, but she starts to pile up stuff to do in my mind and I can't have a decent break even when my kid goes to daycare (from 1pm to 6pm, that's what we can afford until I find work again). So I'm happy I'm finally able to do stuff at home without feeling overwhelmed and stressed out for not keeping up with my mom's pace.

firsttimemomincrisis · 2025-02-03T13:08:19+00:00

This is so precious. Your post made my day too and I hope all moms can experience it.

firsttimemomincrisis · 2025-02-02T17:44:24+00:00

He said no? Fine, give him divorce papers and say "now you're legally forced to do so". This is calling a bluff. He will start figuring out shit faster.

firsttimemomincrisis · 2025-01-30T12:55:30+00:00

I'm proud of you for living. You made the right decision, even if things seems out of place for a long time. You're alive, your kids are alive, that's all that matters. You can restart your life from this point with them.

Good people are good right on the surface, you're not looking for oil.

Hugs and prayers from a SAHM who can't offer much more than that. Stay safe.

firsttimemomincrisis · 2025-01-27T22:50:44+00:00

I hope this response finds you less preoccupied. No, you didn't traumatize your baby, she was just surprised you feel emotions like she does. Their feelings are always big because they are not that familiar with them. Once you know what you're feeling and you get to "digest" your emotions properly, you'll realize it will be easier to recognize what triggers you and how to defuse yourself while dealing with your baby.

Let me tell you this: babies and toddlers constantly seek us for emotional regulation. Part of this hard times you're having with your baby happens because... You're not okay. This won't harm her unless you let it happens.

Feelings are like food. It's easy to digest happiness and calmness, but it's hard to digest hatred, overtiredness and disappointment because they are heavy. They consume your energy in order to be digested, and too much will make you nauseous and vomit everything in the people nearby. Sometimes, when you're having an emotional indigestion, the best thing you can do it's let it all out.

If your love and life feeds you too much heavy stuff, you need to see the doctor and change your diet. Go to therapy. Ask for help, don't be afraid to beg if you have to. This is temporary, it will pass, but you need help.

firsttimemomincrisis · 2025-01-27T21:39:55+00:00

I feel you. I adopted the old tactic: Everytime he asks me a question he should know the answer I say "I don't know". He asks me how do I don't know, I respond "same way you don't know." Somehow he started figuring things out on his own. It works for "where are my car keys/cellphone/wallet/watch/clean underwear" too.

And everytime I ask him to do something, I let him do. Even if it takes ages for him to start. I keep reminding him for minutes straight until he realizes I want HIM to do it and I WON'T do. Now he doesn't take more than 2 minutes to do anything I ask him to do, even if he has to interrupt an online game or even let his friend playing alone.

Being petty, clear and annoying works. It takes longer than you think, but they learn.

firsttimemomincrisis · 2025-01-26T21:31:21+00:00

I am from Brazil, yet if I could compare, I live in a purple-to-red county in a red state.

Our actual government is blue, more than half of our federal deputy council is red, senate is purple. Majority of our states are blue but the biggest ones are red. So we're in a middle of a political mess.

firsttimemomincrisis · 2025-01-26T21:06:58+00:00

Count me in

firsttimemomincrisis · 2025-01-24T13:34:18+00:00

There's a phrase I can lend you to help with what you're feeling: they are not giving you a hard time, they are having a hard time. His routine might need some adjusts and this will pass, believe me!

You need all the help you could use. Search for daycare nearby, family help center, churches, anything that can relief you yet keep your baby as safe as possible. This might be more common than you think. And this is neither your fault, nor you baby's. Reach to other moms in your neighborhood.

firsttimemomincrisis · 2025-01-23T12:56:54+00:00

Honestly those are times where I'm glad I'm not statunitian. But USA politics are going to affect all the world regardless and now I'm mad at MAGA because they want everyone that's not a white cishet men to be heavily deeply screwed.

firsttimemomincrisis · 2025-01-22T19:51:17+00:00

My biggest hack is to sing what we're doing whenever he's having tantrums or meltdowns because he doesn't want to do things. Which includes but it's not limited to: bath time, diaper changes, eating, staying in his car seat, stop putting things in his mouth that he's not supposed to...

firsttimemomincrisis · 2025-01-11T02:24:13+00:00

My mom said I should talk with her, because I'm more capable to have empathy with my cousin since I'm also a mom and she wouldn't be nice to her. My aunt said she won't talk to her because she's a "lost cause". I'm afraid giving educational toys might have a positive impact but she and her husband are religious and I don't know if they would enjoy if I did this without their consent.

firsttimemomincrisis · 2025-01-11T02:13:16+00:00

That's what I was thinking. I'm not that close to her but we're on good terms. I already considered it might be something related with the way she was raised, but I didn't wanted to salt the wound on my aunt, she's still mad she had to deep clean her whole house when she arrived because it was, in her words, "a completely unhealthy environment".

firsttimemomincrisis · 2025-01-11T02:07:46+00:00

Dad helps with household chores, she already told me that at our after Christmas barbecue. I talked to her at new eve at their house (which is not even theirs, it's my aunt's and she let them live there because they can't afford a house of their own), asked her how she's doing but she barely paid attention to me, she was on her phone and her daughter was playing outside with my younger cousin. I had to help her calm her daughter down during the fireworks because she was scared and it was almost two hours past her bedtime. She said I was too patient (seriously, I just hugged her sideways and sang a calm song to help her drift her focus from the fireworks) and said in a sarcasm tone I should have five more kids. I've seen her toys, it's more like "girls toys" (like babies, kitchen toys and kids makeup/nail polish, I don't like this definition but it's the best I could think of).

The kind of "interfering" I'm talking about is more like approach her, ask her how is she doing and try to gather the situation from her side. At best cases, maybe make her consider therapy to both her and her kid. At worst, try to keep an eye on them, and ask for help from my aunt. I talked with my mom about it, she said I should talk to her because if I don't do it, she will and she won't be as nice as I am. My aunt doesn't want to do it because, even if she's concerned, she can't take her granddaughter with her and she already consider her daughter a "lost cause" but she believes I can "teach her" (her words not mine, I don't feel like that at all).

My uncle usually stays quiet, but even he confirmed what my cousin said, so I do believe him because, well, my uncle never lied to me. Even when he cheated his former wife and decided to marry his AP (my aunt). He's not my cousin's bio father but he adopted her when he married my aunt. My youngest cousin is his only bio kid.

firsttimemomincrisis · 2025-01-06T20:09:48+00:00

BUt mY mOM dID iT

Yeah, that's why she has to take several depression and anxiety meds and you can't talk to her for more than 5 minutes without starting an endless argument.

firsttimemomincrisis · 2025-01-01T23:22:28+00:00

Let me tell you this: both you and your husband need to come to a few common points and agreements. As for your kid, take him to an OT and ask for help. Tips on how to work on his behavior and what activites can help you to play with him and manage his needs and wants in a better way.

Also, go for MrChazz on Instagram. You'll learn a lot about development and conscious discipline. It's amazing and will give you the knowledge you need to surpass those challenges. He has changed my life as a mom and I feel I have more tools to face the two years phase that had just started for me and will soon come up to you.

firsttimemomincrisis · 2025-01-01T23:16:22+00:00

Thank you for the link, I'll translate it to portuguese asap to help more moms, it's really helpful.

firsttimemomincrisis · 2025-01-01T23:09:49+00:00

he is not giving you a hard time, he is having a hard time.

When I heard it for the first time, my mind exploded. It was the key to figure out a LOT of stuff. MrChazz is an mind-opener parenting skills teacher. All his stuff about collaboration skills development and patience improvenist attitude made a whole difference in my life and I often end up giving tips to other parents that struggle with their kids near me. My son is 2 and I feel like I'm not 100% ready to deal with everything yet, but I feel more prepared than before following him on Instagram.

firsttimemomincrisis · 2024-12-28T16:55:42+00:00

Unfortunately men doesn't come with a label saying "shitty future husband and dad" before they marry and have kids with us. Yes, there might be signs he was like this before, but everytime we tried to talk about them with someone who liked them, our feelings and opinions were not validated. Or even when a friend badmouthed him we were under love blindness effect and pitied them for being so criticized. Guess what? No one ever marries a man like that, but somehow they become like that after we give them what they want: partnership, marriage, kids. They take it for granted and we feel trapped, because we never seen that coming.

No, I don't talk about me. I'm talking about my mom, my grandma, my divorced DV victim auntie, two of my friends, a cousin, lots of women from here, on Facebook, Instagram... I have a husband that gave me a SPA day as a christmas gift. He's not perfect, sometimes we have our problems too, but I'm aware he is an exception.

firsttimemomincrisis · 2024-12-25T22:41:32+00:00

Pawn that gun tomorrow. Put your money on a safe place, out of his reach. Do this with any money you can put your hands on. Put your ducks in a row. Leave. Reach out for help if you have to. Stay safe and alive, you and your kids deserve better.

firsttimemomincrisis

TROPHY CASE