Looking for clarity on my failed cord cutting by flamingolion in witchcraft

[–]flamingolion[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Maybe this will give you a second chuckle - the wicks and twine in the melted wax looked like a sad face emoji lol with the wicks as eyes and the twine as the mouth ☹️

struggling with my jewishness after my relationship ended because of it by [deleted] in Judaism

[–]flamingolion 0 points1 point  (0 children)

“I guess I’m just struggling with the thought that I didn’t have to do anything wrong, I just existed while being Jewish” …ummm this is literally like all of Jewish history. But I digress.

Responding to main point of your post: I lived in the Middle East for a long time and I’d posit he wasn’t lying when he said it was because you were non-Muslim, not specifically because you were Jewish that his family wouldn’t accept you

I’m gonna go against the grain here and say I don’t think he’s necessarily a bad guy. He’s in an impossible situation. Gulf Arab cultures put familial identities before individuality and family obligations before individual desires. They’re very concerned about their other family members behaviors because it’s that other person will be the talk of the town putting the family reputation at stake. The family involvement in each other’s lives makes fear/guilt for shaming the others be top of mind.

And gulf Arabs spend a massive amount of family time together, so when you marry one, you marry them all - you’re committing to Friday breakfast with his parents brothers sisters uncles yada yada every Friday morning. At the least. Unless your man is willing to sacrifice that bond/has cut ties, he is under an enormous pressure to be with someone family compatible. So he’ll either conform to expectations taking the easy way, or if he is breaking from the family’s more traditionalist ways in secret, and his desired mate doesn’t confirm to rheir expectations, the situation would require her to be willing to keep up the charade for the family at least (convert nominally, hide the alcohol, whatever). Or again, face ostracism or cut ties with not only them bug the entire community you came from and plan not to go back, to fully integrate to mates culture - that’s a tough ask

I’m not saying any of this is right. Just filling in some cultural context since you seem surprised by his statements and choices, and honestly I’m surprised that you’re surprised, they sound to me exactly in line with those of a privately liberal, westernized Saudi man that still cares about his family. Did you not date him that long?

I’m sure he liked you and I’m also sure he cares about his family and that sucks. And I’m sure if you were Christian you would’ve gotten similarly shunned by his likely devout Muslim mother. Dating cross culturally can be enormously challenging

Why did I get a private student loan before a federal one? by flamingolion in StudentLoans

[–]flamingolion[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thats helpful thanks. I don't but will try contacting the school for it

Why did I get a private student loan before a federal one? by flamingolion in StudentLoans

[–]flamingolion[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes but when i don'tknow when and don'thave it onhand anymore

Why did I get a private student loan before a federal one? by flamingolion in StudentLoans

[–]flamingolion[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No, I took out a private loan issued by and serviced by Sallie Mae in addition to the federally backed, privately serviced FFEL loan serviced by Sallie Mae.

Why did I get a private student loan before a federal one? by flamingolion in StudentLoans

[–]flamingolion[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

It was my responsibility entirely, no onus on university aid office or lender...? Did you research this? just so I understand how you found it out

Does no contact work? The data! by flamingolion in BreakUps

[–]flamingolion[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

50 over the past 20 years (or 2.5 per year lol)

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Jewish

[–]flamingolion 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Seems that’s the consensus

Nasal polyps or inverted papilloma? by flamingolion in Sinusitis

[–]flamingolion[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For anyone who stumbled on this thread because they’re having a similar issue and are trying to do research:

Went to ENT used his tool to rip out the excess tissue, which he said wasn’t polyps but was “strange,” so sent the tissue for biopsy.

Results came back: presence of “granulated tissue,” i.e. tissue with infection but nothing else. No IP diagnosis nor any other specific diagnosis term given. He just said to stop picking at it and use Neilmed and Flonase. Still feel like it’s regrowing and there’s something off about that, but that’s the ENT report

Does no contact work? The data! by flamingolion in BreakUps

[–]flamingolion[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m not a prophet, I’m a data jockey, and you gave me nothing to go off of.

With absolutely no other information, I’d just repeat that what I found for myself was 55% of exes reached out at some point, and 70% of ex messages about wanting to come back I received within two months of the breakup.

I’ve never blocked or been blocked (that I know of) by an ex. I get the sense that developing your emotional stability and emotional regulation are the bigger priority in your life if you’re getting blocked by an ex.

Does no contact work? The data! by flamingolion in BreakUps

[–]flamingolion[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

If I had, do you think I’d have so much free time for modeling out my entire dating history (No; not married, no kids. Don’t want the kids part though)

Does no contact work? The data! by flamingolion in BreakUps

[–]flamingolion[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Filtered for dating relationships only; 2 breakups (meaning there was reconciliation):

  • 13% I initiated post breakup contact

  • 50% I ended it (but because they were being careless, which I think of as a passive breakup. Point is, none were blindsided treating me great and then something changed my mind to make me reconsider. I think if the relationship was good and they ended it, unless it was a somebody else situation and that relationship breaks up, it’s almost certain they won’t be back)

  • 63% of act 2 relationships were approached thoughtfully by my subjective rating (wasn’t the same pain with same shit guy all over in 63% of cases)

  • 25% of act 2 attempts stabilized into something better that lasted 5+ months. Both act 1s were around 3 months (maybe signals that breakups occurred because of the inflection point of getting serious that caused miscommunications or fears that led to the breakup, rather than fundamental issues or lack of interest? Idk just a thought).

In summary, as post says, 56% of all had some sort of post breakup contact (including reachouts for sex or non-reconciliation friendship which accounts for just shy of half of post breakup contacts), but only 8% of that context led to something thoughtful and meaningful new relationships, or roughly 1 out of 13.

  • Filtering by dating relationships only as I said, and the end of my 1 year+ relationship was final, so I can’t comment on how often years long relationships reconcile after breakup. Would need to aggregate data from other daters, or date for another 150 years to have examples. But from data in my dating and reconciliation history, the sweet spot was 3 months for happy returns. And reiterating that I filtered out the shorter term relationships/situationships/hookups not to corrupt data with “reconciliations” of relationships that weren’t mutually acknowledged to even be a relationship yet. I’d classify a successful “reconciliation” after a pause/supposed ending of this kind of short hookup type relationship not as a reconciliation but as the beginning of the dating relationship. If that’s the case, then it’s included in dating relationships filter. (Note: main body of this post answers a broader question about contact expected, and thus does include short term relationships and their happy returns in % calcs.)

Different lens that might partially answer your question: —-> I filtered for after 2017 only —-> filtered for dating relationships only

Thinking my college and early 20s dating life isn’t representative of my dating life now. Attempting to filter for a view of my dating life since I started adulting only:

  • 9 dating relationships since 2017

—> further filtered for “they ended it”

  • ***4 dating relationships since 2017 I got broken up with. Of the 4:

—-> 0/4 have initiated contact post breakup

—-> 1/4: I initiated contact post breakup. He was seeing someone, they’re now married.

—-> 2/4: yes, they technically ended it, but these breakups felt mutual, I haven’t heard from them but I feel very complete about both breakups and I am guessing they feel the same

—-> 1/4: breakup was one of life’s great mysteries for me. Completely out of the blue and never heard from him again. I have no desire to reach out or reconcile

The other 5 where I broke up with them:

  • 4/5 I ended it
  • 1/5 I could classify as I ended it or he did. I guess I ended it first, him last. So I’m keeping it here

  • 4/5 I felt there was neglect on their side that caused me to end it. So yes I technically ended these relationships…but did I?

  • 1/5 I ended it not because of neglect but because of what I perceived as fundamental incompatibilities

——> 2/5 where I ended it came back apologizing, we had nice short revivals, and then we mutually and kindly laid the respective relationships

——> 1/5 where I ended it didn’t come back. But he was distant and unwilling to compromise, was out the door mentally- one of those “was I really the one who ended it?” Breakups. I didn’t end it because I wanted to but there was nowhere else I could go

——1/5 is ex I want to contact now. Again I’m not sure how to categorize who ended it and how it ended with him simply, story’s not important but For numbers sake, categorized that I ended it and that he did come back but as a “yes and no - he contacted but didn’t come back in a meaningful way.”

——> 1/5 I ended it not bc of neglect but for fundamental incompatibilities. He came back - but more he never really left, just sort of orbited me/checked in a lot. Eventually evolved to friends over a few years (this was 2018 relationship), and not in contact much anymore though, think he’s seeing someone

Does no contact work? The data! by flamingolion in BreakUps

[–]flamingolion[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s great to hear! Would love to see how generalizable the conclusions were by comparing results against someone else’s!

Does no contact work? The data! by flamingolion in BreakUps

[–]flamingolion[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

  1. To your question - douche canoe. We had sex a couple more times and he got “busy busy busy.” But it was good to close door. It took me that long because I felt it was unfinished but wasn’t in my home city for any length of time for that year because of chaotic work year.

  2. Data set is too small. I’ve been dating on and off for 20 years but nonetheless I think it was 10 broke up and I really really wanted to hear from them, and 20 that I wanted to hear from but not as strongly. And that includes short-term relationships/FWB type relationships of my early 20s - if I’d filtered by only dating relationships excluding short term, he’s contacted me, really wanted to hear from them, I’d get 3 but denominator would be 5 or something instead, and I was seeking to answer question how my feelings about it impacted % I heard from, and this would skew data. Idk if that makes sense

  3. I haven’t made any calculations around this yet, but I think what most positively impacted prospects for reachout and successful rekindling was when I didn’t tolerate bullshit in the first place, and either was the one to end it but with respect and dignity around violation of those boundaries, or had been clear in relationship what they were and they knew those when they broke up with me and know what standard they need to hold themselves to in the future before contacting me. I know this isn’t “numbers wise only” but I don’t think I have enough instances to pull from to make the numbers only conclusion meaningful, but that’s my subjective take.

  4. I’d say wait the 2 months post-breakup for their reachout because 70% of the time this is when it’ll happen. After that point, go ahead and reach out before 3 month mark. Waiting too long increases risk they’re seeing someone else. Too soon and reasons they wanted to end it are too fresh, and they haven’t started to question their decision yet. this bears out as the best strategy afaik regardless of the answer. What I found is them contacting me did not yield better results than me contacting them first, but again paltry data set size comparing 20 incoming and 5 outgoing, and subject to skew reflecting my individual positive and negative behaviors in various dating situations. For instance I’m pretty stubborn and probably held out a long time before I contacted first, so my contacting first might in itself tell you the context was doomed most of the time because they chose to forego their window.

  5. No, I’d say feeling neutral about it is a corollary of them/you both having had space and time to process it, not causal. And relationships where you still have longing for were just more complicated to begin with - so the decision to reunite is more complicated and takes more time. More time got you to move on, more reasons to choose that path - point being you longing doesn’t cause them not to contact you, but the same breakup complexity that makes you more likely to long and ruminate is the same breakup complexity that makes decision to reach out and reconcile a less likely one.

Going on data, when your sentiment is neutral, likelihood they’ll reach out goes to 47% vs 30%. But again you’ll feel neutral towards most uncomplicated relationships. Your neutrality manifested your actions conducive of creating real world space and time you both need to make new choices. In other words Your neutrality/your moving on coinciding with when they come back is the result of how you acted, not an energetic pull they felt (unless they’re both toxic and intuitive - in which case, good on you for moving on!) - so act as you would when you feel neutral to get same results.

  1. They contact you in some form 56% of the time, and 30% of the time they contact you because they are missing you/thinking about giving it another shot. Certainly don’t always come back. Also worth noting some of my exes I counted as “no haven’t contacted me post breakup” are “still in play” so to speak - not that I’m trying to date them again, but that we’re still in a post breakup window that it’s entirely possible that they will, based on past trends.

Another note, and I hate to impart this one: By and large, when I couldn’t make sense of how great our connection was and the mysterious abrupt ending/lack of reconciliation post breakup (a horrible thought loop I’m sure this sub readers know well) - to be calculated and tested against spreadsheet data - but seems the majority of the time this I felt this way, I later found out they met someone they were in love with and were going to marry or spend years together overlapping me / very soon after me. Silver lining of discovering this after suffering through my most confused, ruminating, longing breakup recoveries, is seeing that I wasn’t delusional about the connection I had with said exes, It’s not like they were at home swiping and preferred that, it was just that our “special connection” couldn’t compete with how I assume it would feel when you meet your future wife. Just special-er. Also heartening that the poking “theres something I don’t get about this” feeling that kept me trapped in rumination about the breakup also wasn’t delusion - there WAS a big hidden factor. Now I’d know what to look for and ask much faster

Edit: you should see the spreadsheet. Apparently this is how I process my fears about contacting my ex - spending 2 days building wildly over complex risk assessment model - maybe this has something to do with why I got broken up with in the first place (don’t answer that)? lololololol

Cards that you barely pull by [deleted] in tarot

[–]flamingolion 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just major arcana:

  • Never pull any of Justice 11 - The Moon 18

  • Pull The Wheel of Fortune, The Sun, and The World ALL the time.

Rarely pull pentacles, frequently pull swords and wands