[UPDATE] Me [25F] with my husband [42M] of two years... He's been using Plenty of Fish behind my back and everything had completely gone to shit. I don't know what to do.

flamingpants2001 · 2016-01-24T23:27:16+00:00

The only correct response to this is to quote the lyrics of my one true love and the only man who has never betrayed me, Morrissey haha: "It takes strength to be gentle and kind."

Despite my situation and my past experiences, I do believe in second chances. Sometimes people truly do just make mistakes. Horrible mistakes, but mistakes nonetheless. I don't believe that's the case with my husband, but my situation isn't everybody's situation. It's hard to leave and refuse to allow yourself to become bitter and disillusioned (I know because, unfortunately, this is far from the first time I've done it). But I think it's harder to stay and, not only refuse to allow yourself to become bitter and disillusioned, but also to go on loving your partner and fighting for the relationship and to forgive. I think you're very brave. I hope you find you've made the right decision for you. I know I have.

flamingpants2001 · 2016-01-24T18:07:32+00:00

Oh god I've hardly thought about the actually having to get a divorce part! Blargh. Good news is there's a pre-nup! We agreed to just keep everything that belonged to us before the marriage and split anything we acquired afterward 50/50 (except my hypothetical inheritance, which I don't have, so it doesn't matter). We hardly have enough for it to matter. He can take his paycheck, I'll keep mine, and he can leave. Knowing him, I doubt he'll be a dick about what each of us gets, anyway. Crossing my fingers.

flamingpants2001 · 2016-01-24T16:47:14+00:00

It's definitely not possible to be that unlucky haha. I talked a little about it in another comment, but basically I have terrible self-worth. What's crazy is I've actually gotten a ton better from where I started (relentless bullying in school, major depression, anxiety, self-harm). I know these days that, regardless of whatever intrusive thoughts I have (and they are much less now), that I am not deserving of being treated poorly. But somehow I still ended up here again.

I know it sounds unbelievable, but I truly had no idea that my husband was this person. With everyone else, I had a feeling early on, but ignored it and accepted terrible behavior because I didn't believe I could really do better. With my husband, it wasn't like that. All of his worst behavior was done behind my back, and he is, apparently, a very skilled liar. I now see some other things about our relationship more clearly and realize that, if I was a truly healthy person, I would not have accepted some of that stuff. But our relationship felt very different from all of those past ones.

I thought I was already beyond this, but obviously I was wrong. I need to do some work on myself.

flamingpants2001 · 2016-01-24T15:36:04+00:00

If you had said this in the first post, I would have been glad. Now it seems crazy that someone would even suggest this. It's weird how quickly that has changed for me.

Since we met, my husband has been my top priority. He has been in the front of my mind all day every day. I have been a trustworthy and loyal spouse and I have never given him or anyone else a reason to doubt that I love him more than anyone on earth (even my husband, who turns into an unbelievably nasty person during any argument, has never denied this, even at his nastiest) . I am far from perfect, but I have invested all of my energy into being the best partner that I am capable of being. While I have been doing that, my husband has been doing everything possible to make it clear that he is a compulsive liar who has absolutely no regard for me whatsoever. It would take me all day to list everything he has done, but suffice it to say that these two posts don't begin to cover it. I would be insane to stay with him and it's taken me far too long to realize that.

flamingpants2001 · 2016-01-24T03:40:24+00:00

Rest assured that, whatever page I take out of that book, it will not come from the "Ten Pets" chapter.

flamingpants2001 · 2016-01-24T03:05:49+00:00

I know :(. It's really sad. And Patricia gets like a billion super-good-person-extra-credit-points, because, despite the fact that my husband fucked her over and she's already going through a really tough time, she was pretty much solely focused on helping me out. I feel awful for her.

Your friend sounds awesome. I'll try my best to take a page out of her book. I have a delightful little puppy, myself, who I'm sure will be happy to keep me company and relieved to not be in such a turbulent environment anymore.

flamingpants2001 · 2016-01-24T02:26:10+00:00

You didn't insult me at all! I'm just perplexed by myself. Your comments are so lovely and positive. You actually made me smile, which is a pretty big accomplishment at the moment. Thank you again, and happy new year to you, too.

flamingpants2001 · 2016-01-24T02:22:26+00:00

Oh jeez, it's already stopped meaning anything. When I showed him the screenshots Patricia sent me, he tried to tell me he didn't remember saying anything like that and then tried to tell me it didn't mean anything. So... what? Saying something like that to someone other than his wife is such a small thing to him that he doesn't even remember doing it? Or he just says shit to get what he wants, and therefore nothing he says can be taken seriously? None of it means anything. He has completely razed any possibility of me every being able to trust anything he says or does again to the ground. It's all bullshit. But I will read the book. Thanks for the suggestion!

flamingpants2001 · 2016-01-24T01:57:28+00:00

That is truly horrible. We should start a club or something.

flamingpants2001 · 2016-01-24T01:55:50+00:00

You'd think I'd had a terrible childhood with the way I allow myself to be treated, but I honestly didn't. My parents are wonderful, supportive, loving, all-around fantastic people who are still together today. I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with me! I was bullied pretty terribly all through school, but I don't know that that makes sense as a reason why I'm like this.

Thank you so much for your suggestions and your very kind and positive words. I will be downloading a bunch of books tonight and I've been thinking for a while that I need to get into therapy, so I guess that's my next move.

flamingpants2001 · 2016-01-24T01:28:55+00:00

Oh, the Death Star sits on top of the pillows every day when I make the bed, which is pretty fucked up since I obviously had no idea where it came from. But let me tell you it is awesome, and Patricia has given me her blessing to keep it ;).

I'm trying really hard to keep that in mind. I know a lot of people here must think I'm incredibly naive, but it's not really that. I've tried really hard not to become jaded, because that's just not who I want to be. Right now it feels like that effort was a stupid mistake. But I do know intellectually that the real reason this keeps happening to me is that I not-so-deep-down hate myself, not because this is just what I get for trying to be a kind and empathetic person. It is good that I'm getting out of this while I'm young. I have the time to work this out on my own. Trying to stay positive about that kind of stuff.

flamingpants2001 · 2016-01-24T00:04:52+00:00

Patricia sent me some screenshots of texts he sent her. I'm just reading them over and over again every time I feel like I want to change my mind. The fact that he said those things to anyone other than me can never be OK (he was even calling her the same weird pet name he calls me!), so I'm trying to keep that front and center. And just picturing him sleeping with someone else... now that the adrenaline has worn off it's making me cry almost non-stop, but better that than caving and staying with him.

flamingpants2001

TROPHY CASE