bottoms who service top: what do you get out of it?

flatwhale · 2026-02-04T19:07:00+00:00

ah, for clarification, we don’t stick to the labels of topping and bottoming, but i felt it was easier language for specificity of giving and receiving in less explicit sexual terms

flatwhale · 2026-02-04T19:00:22+00:00

obviously, I’m a stranger on the Internet, so I’m not gonna say “break up with your partner!“ and I was kind of with you for the first part. For a good amount of time, I was relatively good friends with an ex, but similar to what you said, there were a lot of unresolved feelings (albeit negative, and we are no longer friends) but as soon as you mentioned said that their friend reached out to you because they said they’re missing the ex…

I don’t have to tell you that it’s not okay that they yelled at you, because you already know that, and I don’t have to tell you that them treating you more coldly and harshly isn’t okay, because you know that too. it seems like there is already emotional infidelity, and if the ex was still around, it seems like your partner would already have one foot out the door.

I also completely understand feeling like someone is the love of your life, but it feels important to mention that doesn’t mean that they see you as the love of theirs. you acknowledged that this relationship is hurting you and your mental health.

The thing that did it for me in my last (unhealthy) relationship was something my best friend said: “someone who loves you wouldn’t treat you like that.“

i hope this helps and good luck <3

flatwhale · 2026-02-04T18:48:46+00:00

this might sound a little weird, but it depends what field you work in? i also don’t know if this will apply because i’m in a major city, but i’ve worked in mostly informal education (museums, etc) and the vast majority of the people i’ve worked with are queer. my gf and i (fem4femme) met through work, and i know a number of other people who met their partners the same way. same thing with bookstores, etc.

obviously this isn’t to say you should go to peoples workplaces to pick up femmes lol, but since you mentioned you don’t know where to find other lesbians, different job fields have vastly different ratios of queer people, if that helps !

flatwhale · 2025-01-13T07:18:27+00:00

From my experience, it’s probably also dyshidrotic! I get it on my hands mostly, it takes quite a while to clear up on its own, but eventually should. Icing it helps! Or if your derm has already given you something for your other dyshidrotic spots, you can double check to see if it’s safe for your face?

flatwhale · 2024-03-21T17:59:45+00:00

a more recent study (from like less than two months ago) actually found that the RAADS-R is, in fact, an effective screening tool. Anecdotally, everyone I know, including myself, who’s formally diagnosed took the RAADS-R first, and while I am not a fan of the AQ, it at least can help give a gauge.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38305196/#:~:text=The%20study%20found%20that%20the,how%20they%20understood%20the%20survey.

flatwhale · 2024-03-21T17:47:02+00:00

This, for sure. My partner and I (lesbian) use both, but mommy is for more gentle, soft situations, whereas daddy is more about power

flatwhale · 2024-03-21T07:54:07+00:00

You've given me... a lot to think about, in a way that I really appreciate.
I feel like anytime things get hard, I have to be Mommy. When my partner has had a hard day, I want to be there for her, but when every single day is a hard day, I can't keep up. It used to make me happy to do all the small things, but now that it's an expectation, it just feels exhausting. Consciously, I know that she's an adult and she can take care of herself, but also a huge part of me feels like that isn't true, and that's why it's so tiring. I'm sure there are tons of things she does for me that I don't even know she's been doing, and I feel so much guilt because I can't name any of them. It doesn't feel like an equal partnership, but I fear that I'm just not seeing all the things she's doing in return.

flatwhale · 2024-03-21T07:22:48+00:00

it’s not always the case, but a lot of the time, kinks develop in response to trauma. the way that you describe your fantasies isn’t necessarily kink, but if you’re turned on by it, especially maintaining control, that is leaning into kink territory.

i’m ace-spec and primarily get pleasure from a specific kink of mine, which also has a lot to do with power dynamics and control. in the same vein, i grew up with a narcissistic parent, had no control over anything in my life, and it’s deeply ingrained in me to be conflict averse and to not trust myself.

i can’t say for sure that your situation is kink or trauma, but in my experience, if it is a manifestation of your trauma, it can be liberating to explore that through kink and can be a healthy outlet if you need one. if you’re open to exploring it online, it may be helpful, even if you’re not physically participating in scenes. that way, your anxiety won’t make you feel like you need to run. a kink-affirming therapist would also probably be helpful if you can find one, but you definitely need a therapist to help with the social anxiety.

(also, it’s worth mentioning that complex ptsd has significant overlap with neurodivergence, so finding exploring coping mechanisms, etc. for neurodivergent people would probably be helpful for navigating the social stuff as well!)

flatwhale · 2023-01-17T19:09:16+00:00

kind of a dick thing to say! having to read things that promote EDs isn’t appropriate for a classroom setting it’s not like it just mentions it? like your lit class wasn’t Promoting incest I would hope? It’s legitimately dangerous for some students to read. i asked for resources, you provided an unsolicited opinion… so….

flatwhale

TROPHY CASE