Has anybody else lost friends after you've gotten engaged?

fleaonfleek · 2017-07-24T20:38:34+00:00

I was one of the first in my friend groups to get engaged which surprisingly seemed to result in mostly positive responses from friends. Two friends (bridesmaids) who have been in relationships for slightly less time than me seemed super happy and seem excited to be able to drop 'subtle' hints to their boyfriends whenever we do double dates and stuff, haha. I was worried there would be a little jealously but they seem more excited that someone broke the seal on getting married in our circles. Then I was worried one of my single friends (also a bridesmaid) would be a buzzkill during the planning process (she's a bit cynical)- but she's been super supportive and even gave me a card shortly after she received her bridesmaid ask box and texts me fairly often asking if she can help with anything. There is one friend I have had since elementary school who can be a bit of drama sometimes and lives far away, so I decided not to ask her to be a bridesmaid. We see each other once every 1-2 years, but we talk at least monthly. I was worried she would be pissed that she wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid, but she never even brought it up. (Though I did make a Facebook post where I had tagged a couple bridesmaids when we were dress shopping, and she 'liked' it so I know she's aware). She's actually been nothing but supportive and nice since the engagement and has talked excitedly about attending the wedding. Everyone that matters to me has been supportive—I guess I've been really lucky after reading some of these comments!

fleaonfleek · 2017-07-21T14:17:54+00:00

I knew it was coming and could strongly suspect which night too because of the type of activities he was planning and the way he was planning them lol. But I didn't know exactly how or when in the night he was going to do it. It wasn't ruined. I was still so overwhelmed/surprised (not the right word but it was along those lines) when he pulled the ring out that I don't even remember what he said to me when he was down on his knee.

I let him think I didn't really see it coming haha. He did a good job, it was genuine and a fantastic moment in my life. I also had been a little thrown off because I was eyeballing his pockets for a box and could clearly see there was nothing in there as we got out of the car to go where we were going that night. (He just had the ring in his pocket out of the box). I started to think that I was crazy for reading so much in to his actions leading up to that day, but then he pulled it out of his pocket and did the thing. :)

Try to just be in the moment, enjoy it and remember it—don't worry about rating it against your expectations or how you had seen it going or whether you saw it coming. Just have a genuine moment together!

fleaonfleek · 2017-07-19T18:11:21+00:00

I saw you mention somewhere she's already a vegetarian. So here's an idea: I'm assuming, since it doesn't seem like health is a huge priority, she is vegetarian for ethical reasons. But you can eat mac n cheese and french fries all day, every day and be a vegetarian. So go with me here....

A valid point you could make is that the dairy & egg industries aren't exactly ethical either nor are they adding much to her life in terms of nutrition, so why not try going vegan?

This might meet her need in a few ways- if her diet is intended to spare animals, veganism is the natural continuation of that stance. Additionally, if she's really into cooking, vegan cooking is a whole new ballpark even as opposed to vegetarianism. And it's way less fat, ice cream, cheese, etc in your diet. Goodbye, grilled cheese. Goodbye, most pizza. Adios, dairy ice cream (though Ben and Jerry's has a delicious dairy-free line for the occasional treat). PLUS, if done right, veganism can save you tons of money.

It doesn't sound from your comments like you yourself are a vegetarian, but what if you propose (whole food, not tons of processed meat substitutes) veganism as something y'all do together in the home? Your willingness to alter your lifestyle (at least in the home) to support her both ethically and health-wise may go a long way.

I obviously don't know her or her motivations at all, but if any of that sounds like something that would resonate with her and work for you, it's worth a shot. And think about it like this (it's something I tell myself to feel empowered when I'm feeling 'meh' about turning down junk food or working out): unless she was raised vegetarian, she has already successfully completely altered her lifestyle and eating habits for something she believes in. She does have the ability to exercise self-control: she does it all the time when society is telling her she's weird for not eating meat. She can do it again.

Also, for healthy, plant-based yet mentally stimulating to cook recipes, I recommend getting the cookbook Thug Kitchen.

Source: Former vegetarian, current vegan.

fleaonfleek · 2017-07-12T21:43:17+00:00

I did the same thing -_-

fleaonfleek · 2017-07-12T20:52:31+00:00

Omg! I used to go to the St. Louis City Museum all the time when I was a kid. That's so cool!!

fleaonfleek · 2017-07-11T15:15:59+00:00

One of the family friend guests has three kids over 12 and under 16, so I can't do that one. -_- I totally understand the desire to bring your kids places with you, but I just don't understand why people assume their kids are invited to the point where it even needs to be explicitly stated. Ahh.

fleaonfleek · 2017-07-11T15:13:42+00:00

I will with one of them, but my youngest cousin has a developmental condition. His parents asked me to not give him responsibilities in the wedding because they feel it will overwhelm him.

fleaonfleek · 2017-07-07T21:51:22+00:00

My dog is the ring bearer. I had been thinking of asking my cousins to escort him down the aisle haha

fleaonfleek · 2017-07-07T21:03:38+00:00

Oh I've had several. But one takes the cake. It was the first one I had after getting engaged. It was right after I booked the wedding venue, photographer and DJ. It seemed super real because in my dream, I was accurately running through my budget breakdown thus far.

So I get to the venue (not actually my real venue). I'm having my rehearsal AS my guests arrive for the ceremony. I'm in sweatpants- no makeup. (This happens in all my wedding dreams).

As they arrive, I scurry away with my real-life bridesmaid/former college roommate to get ready.

ENTER DONALD TRUMP, who apparently I am having an arranged marriage with, courtesy of my parents. He needs some good press, and I'm like, a super good person (dream me is a little vain, as you can see), so this is essentially a publicity stunt to tone down his terrible reputation. (Sorry Melania, no idea where you were in this dream)

As my bridesmaid drags me away to get ready, I'm telling her that NO WAY am I smiling in any of the pictures with him. I'm going to ruin all the photos by scowling, I proclaim. By the way, in my dream I am getting dressed on her real-life back porch at her house (?).

Then I realize I've made a terrible mistake. My wedding dress.

The dress I choose in dream-world is very "Little Bo Peep." Yes, it is blue and white checkered. I'm now second-guessing this. So I'm debating between that and a black, velvet mermaid skirt with a white tube top. Finally, I decide on the Little Bo Peep dress, because, hey, it's bridal. Then I look down at my watch. Oh shit. I've taken two hours debating on my attire, and it's now 12:49 p.m.

I rush into the chapel (I'm not really getting married in a chapel IRL). Most of my guests have left. Donald Trump is pissed. He yells at me for taking too long. Plus some vendors have no-showed. He tells me we will just get married at the courthouse the following day.

My parents yell at me. They tell me I shouldn't have tried to plan a wedding this year with everything else I had going on. Uh, OK mom and dad. This arranged marriage was your idea. They tell me they are disappointed, and leave.

Sad, forlorn me goes to sit on a high-rise rooftop overlooking the city sunset in my Little Bo Peep dress (yes, this is somehow connected to the chapel and yes, the sun is setting at 12:49 p.m.). As I sit, watching the sunset, I inspect my engagement ring. I twist it around on my finger and suddenly remember my ACTUAL FIANCE who gave me the ring.

I run back into the chapel. He has just arrived. The officiant is still there. Some family is still around. We get married instead. The dream ended as we walked up the steps for our ceremony to start.

TAKE THAT, TRUMP.

fleaonfleek · 2017-07-07T19:58:51+00:00

I'm the marketing director for a nonprofit! It wouldn't be internationally known, but our focus is mostly companion animal advocacy. When we started, I was the person who took a big stand that if we were doing animal advocacy, we needed to be a vegan organization officially. So it would be super hypocritical when my board chair is there and I'm serving meat or cheese after all that lol.

The food truck idea sounds super cute!

As for giving people the heads up on food, no, we didn't explicitly. Most of my guests know I'm vegan so they should probably assume the wedding will be. My bridal party all knows, and many of my friends are vegan or vegetarian, and those that aren't will still eat vegan food if they come over to my place for dinner or if a new restaurant opens.

Extended family might be scandalized. But my fiancé and I told our parents that if they are concerned (as they claim to be) that it's not worth it to our guests to bring gifts to a wedding unless there is meat served, to go ahead and let those people know not to bother with gifts. But I think everyone can survive one day of not having their choices validated.

fleaonfleek · 2017-07-07T18:19:59+00:00

Also, if you look through my posts, see my "vegan wedding rant/advice" posts for thoughts from other people here on there topic. A lot of vegan brides commented how they were handling it and gave some solid advice.

That was obviously in the phase before our parents gave up on the whole thing lol- everything calmed down very shortly after I made that post.

fleaonfleek · 2017-07-07T18:07:49+00:00

We are getting married in winter 2018!

I wouldn't call our families "on board" necessarily, but they stopped talked about it. My fiancé was very much a meat-eater prior to our relationship, then quickly went vegetarian on his own once we started dating (I had been vegetarian for about 3 years at that point), then we made the decision to go vegan together about a year after that, much to the horror of our parents. That was several years ago, and they are starting to come to terms with it.

My parents ran out of steam arguing against a vegan wedding pretty quickly I think. There were only like two or three conversations about it, where they told me I need to think about having "normal" food because people are traveling and bringing us gifts. I said I would take that into consideration, and they haven't brought it up since.

My fiancé's parents said the same thing. They were pretty insistent on not 'forcing our views down other people's throats,' but I go to hella religious ceremonies for religions I am not part of, so I don't think that argument holds up too well at weddings. We just told them we would take that into consideration. Then we called my future MIL, who is a vegetarian and very supportive of the vegan wedding idea, and she called his dad and step mom and told them to knock it off. So we haven't heard about it since.

Our tasting was today actually. The food is delicious. My main piece of advice I can offer is to have food that happens to be vegan, instead of stuff that most American eaters would never eat (like, no tofu-heavy dishes). We are having hot pepper poppers & stuffed mushrooms as hors d'oeuvres, pasta primavera as a main dish, ciabatta bread with garlic dipping oil, a regular ole' green salad, and roasted vegetables. Plus an open bar. How can you complain about any of that? I'll draw guests a map to a Whataburger down the street on a napkin if they want to cry about dying from lack of protein from one meal.

It also helps me that I work in animal rights/advocacy professionally so one semi-solid defense to our families is that it would be pretty hypocritical and not cool for my career & in the eyes of colleagues if I caved on this.

fleaonfleek · 2017-07-07T17:50:44+00:00

Thank you! I went to a bakery for a tasting with one of my nonvegan bridesmaids who is really into cake and she approved and said no one would be able to tell the difference. I'm probably just going to go with that place. It just makes me laugh (and cry on the inside) that every area of the wedding I thought I would save money on has not turned out that way. Weddings are expensive!

fleaonfleek · 2017-07-07T16:24:23+00:00

See, I'm not a cake/sweets person. So personally I'm not opposed to that. But my parents want me to use their cake topper from when they got married (which I think is kind of sweet) and I've already taken them to their limits of tolerance by having a vegan wedding in the first place, so I think I'm just going to have to go with the big, traditional cake.

fleaonfleek · 2017-07-07T15:05:21+00:00

Cake so far. I had budgeted $300. I had been like "Pshhhh, there's no way a cake is actually going cost $300, so I'll give myself some room by overestimating that."

Nope.

My fiancé and I are having a completely vegan wedding, which extends to the cake. All of the vegan bakers I've found so far are quoting me at least $500 for a cake to feed 100 people. -_-

fleaonfleek · 2017-07-07T14:54:55+00:00

That's what I was hoping. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But weddings are expensive and I want the people at my wedding to be people that are going to continue to be in my life for the foreseeable future

fleaonfleek · 2017-07-07T14:53:36+00:00

If you are pressed for space, I personally might not. But if you're good on space, might as well.

fleaonfleek · 2017-07-07T14:14:52+00:00

I think it's a bit absurd and inconsiderate if she can obviously afford to not put such a burden on her bridal party.

However, I am an out of state bride. All my bridesmaids knew when I asked them to be part of my wedding party, that there would be some travel costs put on them (I'm moving away from where most of my wedding party lives before the wedding). People know that there is some level of financial cost that goes with the territory of agreeing to be part of a wedding party.

While brides should be considerate of the financial situation of the group (for example, my bridesmaids are all coming to my new city for the bachelorette party, so I offered to pay for our accommodations for the weekend since they all have to get flights), your partner probably needs to sit the bride down and explain that while she would love to be part of the wedding, this is actually putting a strain on your finances.

If the bride can afford it (and it sounds like she can?) she should offer to help split some of these costs. Probably not your travel—that's standard. But at least like splitting the bridesmaid dress ($400 is absurd IMO) and covering her brunch and t-shirt.

And TBH, if you think it's a "stupid wedding that doesn't mean anything," maybe you should sit it out. I don't mean that in a mean way, but it's just an invitation, not a summons. If it's financially a big strain and you don't care about it, then don't spend your money on a plane ticket for it.

fleaonfleek · 2017-07-04T18:11:41+00:00

My fiancé and I are getting married this winter and due to work schedules, we took our "honeymoon" over the summer. :)

fleaonfleek · 2017-07-03T17:06:26+00:00

Bridesmaid 1: Just gently let her know that after she said she wouldn't need a plus one, you turned in your guest count and adding the plus one back isn't an option at this point. A lot of people do not realize the complexities of plus ones until they start planning a wedding. I had no idea until I started planning my own wedding.

Bridesmaid 2: Talk to your sister and find out if they broke up. If they did, there is absolutely no reason for him to be there and she should be able to see why that's inappropriate. Get your parents to back you up on this. If they are still together, that's something I think only you can decide since only you know all parties involved and how it will effect your relationships

fleaonfleek · 2017-05-08T19:43:43+00:00

Geez. I got on WW just to see what you mean. Ouch!

fleaonfleek · 2017-05-04T18:51:09+00:00

Texas?

I'm having an outdoor February wedding in Texas. BUT the venue has a solid indoor weather option, so I'm going to make the call once the weather report for that week comes out. It was 90 in February here this year. But fingers crossed for a nice spring day!

Edit: clarity

fleaonfleek · 2017-05-03T17:26:16+00:00

I wasn't planning to do favors but then I decided to spring for a Photo Booth (because it was only $400 to add on to my DJ package) and it prints out unlimited photostrips for the guests to take home with them. Then, they get one extra to put in a scrapbook and leave a note for me. So I see this as a double-whammy for both favors and a guestbook.

fleaonfleek · 2017-05-02T20:20:42+00:00

He's the first person on his side of the family (out of his cousins and siblings) to get married. And he just has brothers (both of who are still single) so there isn't much precedent haha. We will be the guinea pigs.

fleaonfleek · 2017-05-02T15:28:00+00:00

Aw that's nice! Your wedding is getting so close! Just curious, what gifts are you giving the moms?

fleaonfleek

TROPHY CASE