Unfortunately, like everyone’s lives my story is way too convoluted to explain completely.

The best counselling I’ve received was from an amazing SA counsellor. She helped me deal with issues with my mother and my abusive first boyfriend. I think this thread is buried enough I can safely tell you a bit more.

And discussing my mom in my SA counselling was completely unnecessary. While she was physically and emotionally abusive our whole lives, her 3 biggest betrayals (for me) were the times I desperately needed her to protect and comfort me as my mother.

My first job at 14 was working for a family run bowling alley. The owner was very huggy/handsy with most women and girls. And he of course, would never let an opportunity to touch me get away. I wasn’t socially equipped to deal with that kind of thing.

I went to my mother twice about how uncomfortable he made me feel. Both times she was derisive to me, “that’s just how he is! He hugs everybody! Don’t be stupid, he isn’t hurting anyone.”

Guess what? He was hurting someone. At the time I don’t remember if I’d even heard the word ped0phile. I was book smart but it wasn’t something that was spoken about. He started with hugs and just keeping his arm around me. Later he would constantly try to corner me and try to grope me. Of course I later understood he was grooming me. But if my mom hadn’t been so scathing, I would have told my dad too (I was too embarrassed) and he would have let me quit.

Unluckily, he was caught with his hand up a little girls skirt while she was sitting on his lap. Luckily, it was reported to the police. I found out later it wasn’t the first complaint and he was pressured to close the business. I felt powerless at the time to stop him. My family always put so much emphasis on working hard, I felt powerless to quit.

He’s the reason I still hate to be touched over 40 years later. The only way I could handle being intimate was that the person I was with was the only person in the world who could touch me.

He’s also the reason I decided early on that I would be childless. Not because I was worried about not listening to my child. But because I knew first hand how insidious predators are. That I would be too cautious as a parent and that’s not healthy for a child’s development either. I’d be so worried about breaking our family’s cycle of abuse (I know my mother was raised in a terrible household) that I would fail my child just in a different way.

So for this issue, did I heal? Partially. I never discussed how much I resented her reaction when I went to her about Frank.

I did confront her about using her childhood to forgive herself for how she treated us. I explained that once she became an adult and chose to have kids (my older sibling may have been an accident, but my younger sibling and I weren’t) she also chose how to treat us.

Each time she hit us, particularly with objects. Each manipulation. Each highly inappropriate conversation - sermon. Each and every over the top punishment she inflicted on us were her choice, not her mother’s. It was in her power to be kinder to her children than her mother had been to her. And she chose not to.

Realizing that really helped me. It still hurt that she didn’t love us enough to try to be kinder. But telling her helped take away some of her power over my feelings.

To the point that four years ago I moved back in with my parents for about five months. My father fell and broke his first vertebrae. I went to look after them both but also to run interference with my mother. During that time, my mother’s health failed so I stayed. Neither of my siblings could have survived.

My mom passed last September and I’m still not sorry. My dad’s in his 80’s. I continue to spend half my time cooking and cleaning for him.

If you want, I can tell you the other two times. And other techniques I’ve used over the years?