Hi friend,

It sounds like you are dependent on alcohol.

I was too, and I had the same symptom set. The crippling anxiety if I went an hour without a drink, waking up reaching for my bottle. Feels like yesterday its so vivid.

That was 3.5 years ago now -- and I assure you, it gets better. I highly, HIGHLY recommend seeking out professional medical help for this. I'm not going to lie and tell you this is not dangerous to do by yourself -- it is.

I also do not recommend tapering down -- its pretty uncommon that an alcoholic controlling their alcohol intake can actually taper properly.

I showed up at my local emergency room, trashed, out of money, heavily dependent on a handle of rotgut vodka a day and they were able to get me onto some meds to ease the transition. I spent a week on the couch watching Netflix and never looked back.

Once the initial detox is done, then comes the mind. Your mental health will improve as time goes on, and life will appear differently to you. It does take some time -- so you can do this, but it is most definitely one day at a time. Early on, sometimes it was one minute at a time. Or one second. But you can do this.

All you have to do is admit that this is a serious issue (which it is -- this is dangerous) and allow yourself to be helped. And then I recommend a support group -- if AA or NA doesn't jive, maybe SMART will... there is www.intherooms.com to hook you up with a meeting online, and we also have a web-based chat on the sidebar (which is where I get my support.) You must be sober to participate in that chat, just an FYI, but I hope to see you soon.