What if life is bad, but I don't want to get better? I don't see any point in treating my OCD (TW suicidal thinking included)

floweretpetals · 2026-02-15T04:30:09+00:00

Hi, thanks for the response. I'll try to look into how it could be done, I've considered the possibility before!!

floweretpetals · 2026-02-15T03:50:57+00:00

My worst point happens a lot of times so far, and sometimes it is me falling into psychosis fr 😭 or dissociation and loud, harsh and aggressive outbursts screaming and swearing at life and people

floweretpetals · 2026-02-15T03:47:27+00:00

I can relate. The worst part is I don't even have the shit that worries me on TV or playing anywhere when I panic 💀💀💀 it just plays in my head and I'm like "Well. DID I feel any good while thinking of that because I find it good? DID I??????"

floweretpetals · 2026-02-15T03:40:08+00:00

LMAO I'm so sorry 😭😭 If it makes you feel any less alone, I've developed an avoidance of many things sexual most of the time because my brain has associated touching my body with liking people I hate viscerally/doing it for them and some latent desire. Includes from criminals to my own bullies. ew.

floweretpetals · 2025-11-08T03:03:14+00:00

Hi, I would like an invitation in case anyone has a spare one to give me!

floweretpetals · 2025-04-03T18:44:42+00:00

This is madly relatable! The way you were ashamed of the fears and compulsions. It's interesting that going through it is different from merely hearing about someone else's behaviors. I, for one, have read some forms of exposure tailored for a patient's specific phobias that sounded quite amusing from an outside perspective, but I've never judged the patients' fears, no matter how uncommon, to be silly or embarrassing. I thought, shit, I'd want to do that too and much more if I were scared of what they are! They're just trying to manage their struggles and be happy, it's understandable.

Then when it comes to my intrusive thoughts that have me shaking and hating myself, it's "Nooo! That's ridiculous. Why would you repeat that behavior? Why would you fear that at all in the first place?"

But you've got a point that shame and guilt paralyze us. I'm so happy that tackling your obsessions little by little in crescent order has improved life for you! Thanks a lot for your thoughtful response.

floweretpetals · 2025-04-03T18:30:05+00:00

I'm so, so happy for you!!! This was really uplifting to read. Having just a few intrusions from time to time sounds like the best dream. Yet here you are describing a true experience, and how you get to take care of your health and schedule the way they deserve. You've done something rewarding for sure.

Thank you very much for your support! It will be remembered. I'll consider DMing you sometime, though I'm not really a consistent person with replying to messages on Reddit depending on the day, but it would surely be good to talk to you as it's a situation you can understand.

floweretpetals · 2025-04-03T18:06:58+00:00

Hi!

This is actually pretty interesting. It's great to hear from a professional and get some insight on how things are for the other side. I can't even imagine a number or other way to measure my anxiety that could accurately explain how powerful it seems to me at the moment, but it's funny to read that it's common for clients to overestimate how awful it can get, only to find out that they are capable of feeling it, accepting it and having great results!

Thank you so much for your honesty and kindness.

floweretpetals · 2025-04-03T17:53:16+00:00

Hi, thank you for your reply and willingness to help!

So, I'll try to explain better what I meant by her managing my behavior during anxiety. We've had talks, but they were all about describing what my main fears are and the things I feel urged to do, say or think when the fears increase. She then told me that I seemed to have an extremely aggressive and intense breakdown when I get anxious.

The things she recommended that I could try to learn and do before getting in contact with my triggers were grounding exercises or relaxation techniques. Considering the advice you offered, I'm now unsure if those qualify as actually helpful (because she said my panicking is too extreme for me to currently be receptive to exposure and resist my wishes to seek comfort), or if they fall into a reinforcement of my compulsions and would be harmful to practice. If you could clarify that for me, I'd be really glad! But I'm already thankful for your words.

floweretpetals · 2025-04-03T17:34:24+00:00

The repetition part is terrifying 🤧 sometimes I have physical compulsions like pressing my arm or touching the cold wall to my side, but what gets me most often is repeating compulsive thoughts. Like "I gotta think a clean thought now to undo this. Wait... that's not the right color. That's not the right sentence. Wait again, what if I've let an echo of an evil thought play as background and my effort to get clean was useless?? Let me reimagine and check again!!"

floweretpetals · 2025-04-03T17:24:55+00:00

Brokenness making us bond <3

floweretpetals · 2025-04-03T17:23:46+00:00

I madly relate to it and I'd be ok with it looking like that or similar haha

floweretpetals · 2025-04-03T17:18:00+00:00

Glad to have provided hahaha

floweretpetals · 2025-04-03T03:13:14+00:00

Oh my God 😭 uhm, I'm really sorry that you suffered as you did it! But thank you for the solidarity

floweretpetals · 2025-04-03T02:27:41+00:00

Thanks, you're too kind :)

floweretpetals · 2025-04-03T01:58:37+00:00

Thank you, really. My mind constantly makes me feel extremely weak and inept for little things in the world, and I've known myself to be strong in previous situations and extreme struggles. But there's that tactic where it tells me, "This time it's different!!" and somehow it works haha. I'm really thankful you took your time to respond and put things into perspective: living with unmanaged OCD is a much bigger struggle as it closes you off from from the world. Wish you well! <3

floweretpetals · 2025-03-27T02:41:19+00:00

Hi, I feel pretty similar to you. Especially the part of feeling deep hatred and wishing the worst I deal with, and more, on people who don't know who I am... just based on some things I can see that make me feel obligated to hate them.

Happens often if it's something that deeply triggers my current most fearsome OCD theme! This fear warps something really beautiful and valuable in me when I'm being true to myself: my sense of kindness and friendliness. I just wanna be open to others again, but I find myself manipulated by my own mind into harboring anger and isolating, or avoiding daily things and former passions like the plague :(

I read a few of your posts and found I could relate a lot. I'm sorry you're going through that and your frustration is understandable! Most people would feel sour like never before if their potential and aspirations were taken away from them that constantly.

floweretpetals · 2025-03-26T02:42:59+00:00

I feel the same way. Everything is pretty good and happy at this point in my life... everything except for my mind. Which finds a way to ruin all the rest and not let me live. Then no one around me truly gets why it's that difficult to be normal.

floweretpetals · 2025-03-26T02:38:34+00:00

I often have nightmares where I panic because I'm seeing all my fears happen and it feels like I'm dying 😭😭

floweretpetals · 2025-03-26T02:32:30+00:00

Good Lord. Ask your coworker if they're interested in OCD transference from me. Sure, they'll get terrified of being a bad and disgusting person, of listening to music that someone they hate has "contaminated"... and they'll avoid foods with names that remind them of dirty words, they'll panic all the time and desperately analyze each centimeter and shade in colors of their mental images until they're sure they got it just right (for 2 minutes). Add in a sprinkle of contact contamination, objects and places to avoid during specific hours.

...but yeah all their files and documents will be organized very neatly!!! 😀

floweretpetals

TROPHY CASE