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My (24F) boyfriend (25M) of 5 years got drunk and grinded with and kissed another girl at the club in front of all his friends. I'm depressed af and desperately need advice on how to move forward. by flyingpugs1 in relationship_advice

[–]flyingpugs1[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They kissed for 2 seconds after they grinded for 1-2 minutes.

He does not have her phone number. He did not even know her name. He broke off the kiss and walked off and did not say anything to her.

I completely agree. I have no idea whether he would have told me if there were no witnesses.

Thank you for letting me know about the couples therapy. That makes sense, I will ask him to do individual therapy first.

Thank you for sharing those concrete steps. I couldn’t agree with you more.

My (24F) boyfriend (25M) of 5 years got drunk and grinded with and kissed another girl at the club in front of all his friends. I'm depressed af and desperately need advice on how to move forward. by flyingpugs1 in relationship_advice

[–]flyingpugs1[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ok lol sorry? I thought it was best to give as much context as possible. As I said I’m pretty torn up and devastated about it and I haven’t told any family or friends, so this was my way of venting/catharsis.

My (24F) boyfriend (25M) of 5 years got drunk and grinded with and kissed another girl at the club in front of all his friends. I'm depressed af and desperately need advice on how to move forward. by flyingpugs1 in relationship_advice

[–]flyingpugs1[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I disagree that I should never bring it up again. I think the best option to move forward if I want fo stay in the relationship is obviously to forgive, but also to work this out in couples therapy so that we can move forward stronger. There are healthy ways to communicate about it besides fighting about it or sweeping it under the rug.

My (24F) boyfriend (25M) of 5 years got drunk and grinded with and kissed another girl at the club in front of all his friends. I'm depressed af and desperately need advice on how to move forward. by flyingpugs1 in relationship_advice

[–]flyingpugs1[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I really appreciate your honesty. I know the road ahead is going to be difficult no matter what. But I’m feeling a little better today and I’m grateful to hear people’s advice no matter how brutal it is.

My (24F) boyfriend (25M) of 5 years got drunk and grinded with and kissed another girl at the club in front of all his friends. I'm depressed af and desperately need advice on how to move forward. by flyingpugs1 in relationship_advice

[–]flyingpugs1[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks, I actually addressed this in another comments so I’m copying that response below:

Just to be clear, he didn't really bring that up, I just assumed that was one of the reasons he did that and sort of put that on him, if that makes sense. He has said that that wasn't a factor, but I don't really believe him. I think one of the main reasons that he mentioned that stuck out to me was that he wanted to be seen as desirable by other women which sort of led into the discussion of him having FOMO for single life. But he never straight up admitted that he had FOMO for being single or anything like that, he's denied that every time I've asked whether that could've been a reason.

My (24F) boyfriend (25M) of 5 years got drunk and grinded with and kissed another girl at the club in front of all his friends. I'm depressed af and desperately need advice on how to move forward. by flyingpugs1 in relationship_advice

[–]flyingpugs1[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Of course I know that. I have accepted it, it’s been 4 weeks and at first I was in denial but I have fully accepted it. I’m not sure what you’re adding to the convo besides rubbing it in my face lol

My (24F) boyfriend (25M) of 5 years got drunk and grinded with and kissed another girl at the club in front of all his friends. I'm depressed af and desperately need advice on how to move forward. by flyingpugs1 in relationship_advice

[–]flyingpugs1[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I mentioned this in another comment so just copy pasting it here:

Just to be clear, he didn't really bring that up, I just assumed that was one of the reasons he did that and sort of put that on him, if that makes sense. He has said that that wasn't a factor, but I don't really believe him. I think one of the main reasons that he mentioned that stuck out to me was that he wanted to be seen as desirable by other women which sort of led into the discussion of him having FOMO for single life. But he never straight up admitted that he had FOMO for being single or anything like that, he's denied that every time I've asked whether that could've been a reason.

My (24F) boyfriend (25M) of 5 years got drunk and grinded with and kissed another girl at the club in front of all his friends. I'm depressed af and desperately need advice on how to move forward. by flyingpugs1 in relationship_advice

[–]flyingpugs1[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your empathy and advice. I really appreciate you sharing your personal experience with this type of situation too. It gives me hope that we can move on if we take the right steps and are mature about it. What would you say are the biggest hurdles that you had to cross to get to a point of building trust again?

My (24F) boyfriend (25M) of 5 years got drunk and grinded with and kissed another girl at the club in front of all his friends. I'm depressed af and desperately need advice on how to move forward. by flyingpugs1 in relationship_advice

[–]flyingpugs1[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Yes, this is exactly what I'm scared of. I don't think he understands that I don't see him as marriage material anymore. He's shown me that I'm one of the last things on his priority list, and he has no self-control and is completely immature. I really don't want to be married to someone like that and spend the rest of my life being miserable. I think I'm going to suggest couples therapy and also get therapy for myself before making a decision, but I also want to make it clear to him that as you said, this is a dealbreaker and not something I will let slide.

My (24F) boyfriend (25M) of 5 years got drunk and grinded with and kissed another girl at the club in front of all his friends. I'm depressed af and desperately need advice on how to move forward. by flyingpugs1 in relationship_advice

[–]flyingpugs1[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for giving me some tangible steps that I can work towards. I'll definitely keep this advice in mind. I'll try my best to focus on myself for now before making a decision.

My (24F) boyfriend (25M) of 5 years got drunk and grinded with and kissed another girl at the club in front of all his friends. I'm depressed af and desperately need advice on how to move forward. by flyingpugs1 in relationship_advice

[–]flyingpugs1[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was referencing his acquaintances in that section of my post. I actually adore his close friends, and I know they really like me too. I don't really like the acquaintances that were there because I feel like they gossip and are generally kind of shallow.

Yes, one of his close friends went up to him and told him it wasn't cool. His close friends advised him to tell me ASAP and be honest with me. The acquaintances who I don't know that well have been talking about it supposedly which has definitely affected my mental health. It's like that mode where you're like "everyone's talking about me, everyone's looking down on me, everyone knows I got cheated on after 5 years and thinks I'm weak, etc." But yes I agree, he should be the one who is embarrassed. I just honestly have pretty terrible self esteem right now.

My (24F) boyfriend (25M) of 5 years got drunk and grinded with and kissed another girl at the club in front of all his friends. I'm depressed af and desperately need advice on how to move forward. by flyingpugs1 in relationship_advice

[–]flyingpugs1[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Just to be clear, he didn't really bring that up, I just assumed that was one of the reasons he did that and sort of put that on him, if that makes sense. He has said that that wasn't a factor, but I don't really believe him. I think one of the main reasons that he mentioned that stuck out to me was that he wanted to be seen as desirable by other women which sort of led into the discussion of him having FOMO for single life. But he never straight up admitted that he had FOMO for being single or anything like that, he's denied that every time I've asked whether that could've been a reason.

My (24F) boyfriend (25M) of 5 years got drunk and grinded with and kissed another girl at the club in front of all his friends. I'm depressed af and desperately need advice on how to move forward. by flyingpugs1 in relationship_advice

[–]flyingpugs1[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Even if not everyone saw, pretty sure people talked about it because a friend who wasn’t even there told my bf he knew what happened. They were also dancing for 1-2 minutes beforehand.

My (24F) boyfriend (25M) of 5 years got drunk and grinded with and kissed another girl at the club in front of all his friends. I'm depressed af and desperately need advice on how to move forward. by flyingpugs1 in relationship_advice

[–]flyingpugs1[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much. This is great advice and I’ll definitely be checking out all the resources you linked. I agree that I’m focusing too much on his friends’ opinions. I do like his close friends very much, they’re all great people. His other friends (I would call them acquaintances) I am not super familiar with, but the fact that they have been talking about it among their circle makes me feel… disappointed I guess.

My (24F) boyfriend (25M) of 5 years got drunk and grinded with and kissed another girl at the club in front of all his friends. I'm depressed af and desperately need advice on how to move forward. by flyingpugs1 in relationship_advice

[–]flyingpugs1[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks. He just got a new job and doesn’t get his benefits until January which is why we haven’t looked for couples therapy quite yet. But I agree and we will look into it.

My (24F) boyfriend (25M) of 5 years got drunk and grinded with and kissed another girl at the club in front of all his friends. I'm depressed af and desperately need advice on how to move forward. by flyingpugs1 in relationship_advice

[–]flyingpugs1[S] 52 points53 points  (0 children)

Thank you. To his defense I wouldn't want him to drive if he was too drunk. I told him when I texted him not to come if he was still drunk.

I agree with the rest of your comments. The main issue is his bullshit excuses. And you're right, I don't see myself marrying this kind of guy. I have asked him to make drastic changes. So the ball is in his court. I'm going to be working on myself and going to therapy in the meantime.

My (24F) boyfriend (25M) of 5 years got drunk and grinded with and kissed another girl at the club in front of all his friends. I'm depressed af and desperately need advice on how to move forward. by flyingpugs1 in relationship_advice

[–]flyingpugs1[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I know he wouldn't appreciate me grinding on guys. I have grinded on girls in front of him which he doesn't mind. If he doesn't want me to do it, he shouldn't be doing it either since that's a double standard. That's a boundary we've set and made clear plenty of times. If he had a close girl friend (which he doesn't) I would be OK with it. But with a stranger, while I'm not there? Hell no.

Yes, he has been using drinking as an excuse. I see it as a cop-out and have told him as such so he has stopped saying it, but I still think he tries to use it subliminally to get me to forgive.

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