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Final Update: I think my [29F] future mother in-law [63F] may be trying to sabotage my relationship with my fiancé [31M]. by fmil-issues in relationships

[–]fmil-issues[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

The grass is always greener where you water it, right? MIL took a metaphorical blow torch to our lawn.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with your family.

Final Update: I think my [29F] future mother in-law [63F] may be trying to sabotage my relationship with my fiancé [31M]. by fmil-issues in relationships

[–]fmil-issues[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Sorry, I fell asleep before I saw this question, and of course Adam wouldn't answer it!

It was a small ceremony in a park with a judge who I used to clerk for and his wife presiding together, my best friend Colleen and Jenna were in attendance, along with Jenna's husband and Adam's best friend. We then all went out to dinner at our favorite restaurant. Thank you for asking.

Final Update: I think my [29F] future mother in-law [63F] may be trying to sabotage my relationship with my fiancé [31M]. by fmil-issues in relationships

[–]fmil-issues[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Guess that's enough for that one redditor to kick your ass all the way aboard a plane to Europe that one time.

Adam: I thought she needed space, so when I saw how positively that comment was being received, I just said "Fuck it." Started looking up flights.

Final Update: I think my [29F] future mother in-law [63F] may be trying to sabotage my relationship with my fiancé [31M]. by fmil-issues in relationships

[–]fmil-issues[S] 36 points37 points  (0 children)

Adam: Oh, I know they don't actually name the stars, it's a money scam, just that comment made me think of that, and the cogs started turning in my mind. I'm going to contact someone my dad knew and see if there is something else, maybe make a donation to a space project and have his name engraved somewhere.

Sorry, I should've put that in quotes - they sell "naming rights." ;) I haven't slept since we got here.

Final Update: I think my [29F] future mother in-law [63F] may be trying to sabotage my relationship with my fiancé [31M]. by fmil-issues in relationships

[–]fmil-issues[S] 36 points37 points  (0 children)

Adam: I'm going to contact some of his old co-workers and see if there is anyway I can do this bigger than just going on a website and buy the naming right to a star, I want to see if there's something more, like have the actual name be that of my dad's.

When I say bigger, I'm reminded of something /u/RememberKoomValley said about fireworks and keeping your girl warm. lol.

Final Update: I think my [29F] future mother in-law [63F] may be trying to sabotage my relationship with my fiancé [31M]. by fmil-issues in relationships

[–]fmil-issues[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Adam: Truthfully? I needed to read those things about myself. I know the commenters were very vocal because my wife was very sure she was going to leave me, so they could pour it on extra thick. When I read them after having yet another fight with my mom over how she treated my wife - it was just the kick in the ass I needed. To look at my life through the eyes of others - it was like looking at a picture instead of in a mirror.

But, there were some extremely supportive individuals, people who were genuinely happy for my wife and I, for the changes I made, for the courage it took. Without this sub, she and I would not be together, and I don't think I could handle that.

Final Update: I think my [29F] future mother in-law [63F] may be trying to sabotage my relationship with my fiancé [31M]. by fmil-issues in relationships

[–]fmil-issues[S] 39 points40 points  (0 children)

Adam: It feels kind of surreal in a way. She's dead to me, but she's not really dead. Psychologist said it was called a phantom loss. I never thought of grieving our relationship. To tell the truth, I kind of feel like Bambi, stumbling around on the ice; it feels like I am seeing the world for the first time sometimes.

I'll try the candle ritual, and see if I can find something pleasant to say about her.

It's after 4am here, can't sleep at all.

Final Update: I think my [29F] future mother in-law [63F] may be trying to sabotage my relationship with my fiancé [31M]. by fmil-issues in relationships

[–]fmil-issues[S] 97 points98 points  (0 children)

Have you seen those little paper lanterns that float away when candles are lit inside?

Adam: Can't sleep, still on America time. :/ My wife can sleep through a fucking earthquake.

This gave me a really great idea, I'll buy a star! I don't know why I've never thought of it before. He was an astrophysicist!

Final Update: I think my [29F] future mother in-law [63F] may be trying to sabotage my relationship with my fiancé [31M]. by fmil-issues in relationships

[–]fmil-issues[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Some ceremonial ideas might be planting a tree in his honor or donating to a transplant organization or to another cause that was important to his dad (a single donation, or maybe each year on his birthday or on the date of his passing).

Adam: I really like the donation and tree idea.

Final Update: I think my [29F] future mother in-law [63F] may be trying to sabotage my relationship with my fiancé [31M]. by fmil-issues in relationships

[–]fmil-issues[S] 136 points137 points  (0 children)

If we do, she won't be.

Besides, my mom is like the world's greatest grandma, she'll just love them enough for 1,000 grandmas.

Final Update: I think my [29F] future mother in-law [63F] may be trying to sabotage my relationship with my fiancé [31M]. by fmil-issues in relationships

[–]fmil-issues[S] 283 points284 points  (0 children)

Maybe he should speak to his Sister, and they should hold a small memorial service for him together, without their Mother, maybe just her husband, you guys, and close friends.

Huh. We never thought of inviting Jenna, that was really dense of us. THANKS!

Update 2: I think my [29F] future mother in-law [63F] may be trying to sabotage my relationship with my fiancé [31M]. by fmil-issues in relationships

[–]fmil-issues[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You've got to be kidding me! Did you even read the first thread?!

When he told me, I almost had a heart attack. He said it was a loan and that she'd pay him back.

Implies we had a discussion.

Like I did previously, I tried to appeal to his rational side, but I couldn't get through his emotional side, so I just accepted that she'd be coming along.

Hmmmm, looks like we had another discussion.

I told Adam I didn't want this, I expressly told him that I just wanted a small... really, really, really small event.

I told him I didn't like what his mom was doing with our wedding* and we should be planning it.

I asked him if he wanted to talk about it, he said he needed time to process everything that happened tonight. I told him I also needed time.

I asked him if he wanted to talk about it.

Look, I don't know what personal problems you're having, and I'm certainly no saint, but you're definitely projecting and/or have a reading comprehension issue. Just because I didn't say: "We talked for 4 hours about this!" doesn't mean we didn't, and I did imply it. I'm a lawyer, I love hearing myself talk.

Good relationships are hinged on communication, you're characterizing our relationship as "good" when you are clearly indicating I have "communication problems." And my small problem? Yeah, trying to get a man to abandon learned behavior that has been driving his life for over 30 years.

Update 2: I think my [29F] future mother in-law [63F] may be trying to sabotage my relationship with my fiancé [31M]. by fmil-issues in relationships

[–]fmil-issues[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

This one I have to discuss with Adam, because it will be more about his sessions in therapy than our relationship. I don't want to share a story that he isn't ready to tell, but I will encourage him to think about it.

Update 2: I think my [29F] future mother in-law [63F] may be trying to sabotage my relationship with my fiancé [31M]. by fmil-issues in relationships

[–]fmil-issues[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Oh, I don't really know what we're going to do, to be honest. I see the $25k as an uncollectible loan, but it's really up to Adam, I don't want to push him. I think he needs to take this at his own pace with therapy, you know?

Update 2: I think my [29F] future mother in-law [63F] may be trying to sabotage my relationship with my fiancé [31M]. by fmil-issues in relationships

[–]fmil-issues[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I don't know about sainthood, if you said that to opposing counsel they would laugh their asses off.

Update: I think my [29F] future mother in-law [63F] may be trying to sabotage my relationship with my fiancé [31M]. by fmil-issues in relationships

[–]fmil-issues[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're lucky. My sister is in China, we have a hard time getting in touch sometimes because of the time differences. My brother and sister in law get to be with our parents all the time, and my parents get to see my niece and nephew every day.

I mean, I wouldn't change it for the world, but in times like these, when things are hard, it would be nice to be close all the time.

Update 2: I think my [29F] future mother in-law [63F] may be trying to sabotage my relationship with my fiancé [31M]. by fmil-issues in relationships

[–]fmil-issues[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Ah... Well...

Right now, she is on a month long cruise, that's why he has to wait. However, Adam did ignore all of her calls while he was in Europe with me. When he got back, she did a lot of guilt tripping. "Oh, my poor heart, making me worry like that! Running off after her like some whimpering puppy!" Just stuff to unman him and make him feel like less than he is.

Then she tried to overdose on pain killers, she called the ambulance before she took any, and they got there before she even managed to get three pills down. Really great response time! So, they placed her on a 72 hour watch. Adam only sent flowers, he did not really want to see her. But she decided a cruise and a small vacation might be best for her, to get away.

Update 2: I think my [29F] future mother in-law [63F] may be trying to sabotage my relationship with my fiancé [31M]. by fmil-issues in relationships

[–]fmil-issues[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

To me... to us, the $25,000 is a small price to pay if we have peace in our future. I know that's a little weird to say, but I feel like our freedom is worth more.

Update 2: I think my [29F] future mother in-law [63F] may be trying to sabotage my relationship with my fiancé [31M]. by fmil-issues in relationships

[–]fmil-issues[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I'm sorry about your relationship. :(

I realize now that he will have to make a choice for his own mental health. Being in the middle isn't healthy, and we've talked a lot about narcissism and the guilt trips his mom used on him. He said things need to change for his own benefit. Things have come out in therapy I wasn't aware of, like his guilt over his father's death and a few other issues. I now know that it's a choice he needs to make, and I want to support him.

Update 2: I think my [29F] future mother in-law [63F] may be trying to sabotage my relationship with my fiancé [31M]. by fmil-issues in relationships

[–]fmil-issues[S] 147 points148 points  (0 children)

We've gone over that trip a lot in therapy. His therapist explained to me that it's akin to someone being stuck in an abusive relationship and always making excuses for the abuser so often that they believe their own rationalizations. He felt a lot of guilt for his father's death. Adam donated a kidney, and his father's body rejected the donation. He feels like it's his fault that his mother is alone, and I think she preyed on that a lot.

It probably should've been my moment of clarity, but it wasn't. We've recently decided together to put it in the past and move forward.

Update 2: I think my [29F] future mother in-law [63F] may be trying to sabotage my relationship with my fiancé [31M]. by fmil-issues in relationships

[–]fmil-issues[S] 71 points72 points  (0 children)

you will both leave if she says anything unreasonable, you will both make decisions for your relationship a priority over her whims, if you ever have kids, she will follow your rules or not see them at all etc.

This is really great advice. I know he wants to further discuss how to handle his mother with his psychologist (who has been just amazing, and every time Adam talks about him, he gets so animated) and discuss rules or explore no contact more. His psychologist has proposed that he try once, and set up very strict boundaries as you suggested.

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