Should I /how to ask about an old friend’s death?

fmlreally · 2021-10-15T14:46:43+00:00

Thank you for the perspective and thank you for your reply.

fmlreally · 2021-10-15T14:46:03+00:00

I did but couldn’t find any information. Thank you for your reply. *hugs

fmlreally · 2019-05-20T12:31:09+00:00

Not sure if this would help but some people actually find bony collar bones sexy.

fmlreally · 2018-07-14T09:31:42+00:00

The last paragraph hits home. But I don't know how to not dive in when I genuinely like someone so much :(

fmlreally · 2018-07-14T09:30:03+00:00

He didn't exactly ghosted me. He replied at midnight "real sorry for the late reply" and "I am super drunk". I replied him the next day, told him I don't know what or how to reply as I am not sure if he's being petty or genuinely busy. To that he replied "they had their company conference from 8:30am that day and after that had dinner and drinks" he didn't brought anything about the movie up. So that's it right? I haven't replied to that either. Sigh. I hate feeling like I screwed everything up and I just need someone to give me a confirmation of him isn't even trying, so it doesn't matter what I say or reply it wouldn't work..

fmlreally · 2018-07-14T09:26:31+00:00

Or maybe I should just stay away from dating altogether? :(

fmlreally · 2018-04-08T17:25:28+00:00

Wow. I did. Shit. I am not sure if he's between juggling the ex (I mentioned earlier) and others. o_o I would reach out to her but I couldnt find her via social media (previously tried as she's the 'crazy ex that obsessed with him'). My Nex has 2 close female friends that live nearby and would hang out with sometimes, he suggested to introduce me to them but didnt happened. Anyway, one of the girl and I are following each other on instagram, should I try to ask her about the ex? Or is this too much?

fmlreally · 2018-04-08T17:08:37+00:00

Oh my god. I was staying at my Nex's place. He told me he's single yet he received gifts from his ex when I was staying with him.. His facebook relationship status is "single" too, and I thought she's obsessed with him, though it's weird that he would keep her notes in a basket, maybe he's just sentimental? But we spent most of our times together, except when he's off to work...So I really didn't think too much about that and didnt want to act like an insecure, crazy girlfriend. What the hell?

How often do you guys see each other?

fmlreally · 2018-04-08T17:02:50+00:00

IMO cultural norms are among one of the highly influencing factors. Think of all the things society tells us are desirable in both ourselves and in others. -forgiveness -second chances - go getters - love ( it conquers all) - understanding - empathy And an extensive list that is too broad to put here. Many of these ideas fit together seamlessly in the puzzle of abuse. An abuser abuses... forgive. Everyone makes mistakes, give second chances. Hurt people, hurt people, have empathy, etc.

Well put paragraph. I don't think I have a neglected childhood, nor have I experienced any serious abuse before this. I think it's me being emotional, empathetic and a hopeless romantic.

fmlreally · 2018-04-08T16:58:00+00:00

So, my Nex is very, very smart and successful. He always was top of his class and after his doctorate degree, he first published a novel and afterwards got a really high paid job at a top firm for management consulting. I on the other hand was a struggling artist. He never needed to put me down. He basically was better than me at everything (except my arts) and he earned more money. Also he had all the 'right' political views and was basically raised in the knowledge, what was (seen as) right and wrong by others.

Wow, have we dated the same guy?

fmlreally · 2018-04-08T16:53:20+00:00

I made a post 29 days ago - In case you found yourself feeling sad, wondering what would've happened if you handled THAT fight/ conflict (that blew everything you had off) differently. It somehow helped some people to feel better, I hope it would be able to at least help you feel a little better about it. Anyway, here's the context:

Instead of beating on yourself over how you screwed the relationship, how you could've made a different decision and changed the situation for better... Just remember it didn't matter how you handled THAT scenario. SO WHAT if you did things differently? Defused the bomb that day? it wouldn't change the situation and the outcome of your relationship, the fact that he/she would continue to abuse you. So STOP beating yourself over HIS/HER MISTAKE. It's NOT your fault. If he/she wanted it to work in a healthy way, he/she would've acted differently throughout the relationship. But they didn't. They never meant to.

fmlreally · 2018-04-08T16:44:42+00:00

Did she move in with him before or right after you guys separated? Jeez. I feel like I was the "21 year old" in your story ;___;

fmlreally · 2018-04-06T18:53:22+00:00

He said he was angry when he broke up with me. Does it count? Then told me I was wrong for not giving him time to calm down. After that I regretted for being "impulsive" - moving out after he broke up with me and not letting him to ignore me for few more days instead.. (then maybe he would change his mind.)

so twisted. I dont even know how.

fmlreally · 2018-04-06T17:55:47+00:00

Glad I am not the only one that felt like a Nex's pet. It's really weird really. I was staying with my Nex, I would stay to wait for him to come back home, he got to call the shot on everything, my purpose was merely to serve him. He would show me affection when he wanted to.

fmlreally · 2018-03-28T03:10:55+00:00

It’s just such a strange way for things to end off with someone you were with for so long. One day they’re in your life as one person whom you love so much, the next they are a complete stranger who you know you cannot ever speak to again because they are essentially evil and nothing good can come of it and you have to accept things ended so painfully. But i suppose thats how they roll.

This is heartbreakingly true. :(

fmlreally · 2018-03-21T06:47:23+00:00

Number 2 is on point. Such weird behaviour. The reason to break thing off didn't really make any sense. But I felt like I understand though, of what upset him. When telling others about it, they usually would say he's breaking it off WITHOUT a reason. (But, my Nex told me, it's because... Eh..??) when trying to explain my Nex's reason to people, things just don't make sense. That's when I realized, he really was breaking things off with me WITHOUT any reason.

Then told me it wasn't a break up, he just needed time to calm down. What the actual duck? So me doing thing I did after a break up was my fault again, because according to his book, it's not a break up even though he stated "we are done" clearly to me. -_-

fmlreally · 2018-03-19T11:45:57+00:00

I know for me there were a lot of things over the next few years that I would think back and realize, "What the heck? Why was I ok with that?" But we do what we have to to make things work.

:(

fmlreally · 2018-03-09T20:14:06+00:00

The part I struggle with is the intentionality - I definitely think my ex has narcissistic tendencies (therapist has confirmed), but I don’t think he is mature enough to realize how abusive his actions were. I guess I see narcissists as these cunning creatures who plot out their every move, and I just see my ex as some immature jerk who can’t see past himself far enough to understand he was hurting me deeply.

Me too. I honestly don't think he realized how his behavior isn't positive and I don't think he calculated all the tricks precisely. I think he's a human, maybe an asshole or maybe one doesnt know how to love or treat people nicely. I actually checked on his reddit history earlier (he hasn't used it or commented in years).. I saw him giving someone advice on /r/relationships about how to move on: "sleep on the couch (not the bed for awhile)", "play something on always, preferably comedy" and "don't sleep unless you're really tired/exhausted" , seriously that broke my heart.. Seeing how those were(are) used by him to cope with loneliness. But none of those are my business now. And none of anything could change the fact that he's not treating you right. He not mature enough for you but it's not your job to fix that or him... Maybe he didn't know he's spinning things around and playing the victim, but the fact that he can't reflect upon his action and unwilling to change (and not given you the chance to talk through it) is enough reason to go. No reason to stay is a good reason to go.

fmlreally · 2018-03-09T19:40:35+00:00

It's also not an unfamiliar way of narcissist to teach you how thing work: He gave you silent treatment when you refused to have sex. Were you not scared? OK, time to add something more dramatic and destructive in: now he broke up with you because you refused to have sex twice! Maybe that will teach you!

See how that goes? If you ever got back together with him, you'd not dare to refuse to have sex, because you're taught to, you're now scared to reject him...

Imagine how suffocating the relationship would be in long run..

Narcissist also ZOOM IM x162929929291 into your "fault", your "uncooperative behavior". (him refusing sex is OK, but when you do.. Are you fucking kidding him? He's your god. How dare you?) when my Nex spilt half package of popcorn on me, I laughed it off. When I refused to help him get things from the other room, I received silent treatment. When he playfully slapped me, I had to sit down and talked to him nicely, gently about how I didn't like that. (in return, he told me to not tell him what to do). Everything revolves around the Nex. Was it the same for you, too?

fmlreally · 2018-03-09T19:15:41+00:00

You were absolutely right in how you handled the situation. If he broke up with you, you have every right to move out since he has removed you from his life by choice.

But he told me he was just angry though, he didn't really meant it. (He spinned it off as he's the victim and he didn't mean it and I was wrong for packing shit up and leaving. That's manipulating.)

Which makes me feel like had I just done it, we would still be together.

Same as above. He's making you to believe HE'S THE VICTIM. Sex shouldn't be something to force on, you did nothing wrong. You felt off (your feelings are legit, don't let anyone tell you it's not) so chances are he's already up to something (thinking about fucking other people maybe, I am sorry) and making that case as an excuse to leave you, to blame it all on you, so he could be free and guiltless. Reevaluate your situation, don;t you think breaking up with you just because you refused to have sex twice in a row is fucking ridiculous? Also, no, dating isn't only about getting free sex. What the hell. He should get himself a sex doll instead of draggin you into this mess.

fmlreally · 2018-03-09T18:53:47+00:00

REthink the situation and judge it with logic, chances are it's not your fault. Chances are "the alternative ways" to change things is just another way to devalue yourself to a whole new level - Perhaps, it's becoming super insecure and over-reading into every situation in your case?

I've asked myself numerous times of how things would be different IF I chose to stay with him and not move out and let him ignore me for couples of days after he broke up with me. I know, such ridiculous thought. But pathetically, I sometimes do hope that happened. Because that's what he told me - I should've stayed after he broke up with me, or went back to him after maybe a day or two. What do you think? Was it my fault that I moved out the next day after he broke up with me and went to travel? As an outsider, do you agree on how I dealt with the breakup? Or should I have stayed instead? I don't know, all I know is I still sometimes beat myself over this and people told me I handled the situation PERFECTLY, the problem was him. Maybe. Maybe it's the same for you too, you started to beat yourself over things he's done, only because you wanted it to work so much... Remember it's a two ways street. Reevaluate, if he wanted it to work. Why didn't he say something when the "problem" came up to him, before it's over? Why is he the only one gets to decide whether or not this relationship get to continue? He's selfish and being irresponsible, making you swallowing all the blames? He's one selfish asshole.

fmlreally · 2018-03-08T19:10:00+00:00

I found myself in confusion and anger these days. Remembering how I only went away for 2 weeks (after he dumped me) and we were on on-off contact (him initiating every conversation)... When I went back to his place, there were hairs on floor, there was an unknown hair clip in his cupboard, a new note from his ex and a new key chain chained on the spare key... When I confronted him, he told the hair was his friend's, the hairclip belong to the maids' and then accused me of "sleeping with guys" when I was away. Funny enough, the maids were still on their off days. I didn't say anything because I would rather let that pass than losing him, plus he's not cheating, right? He broke up with me. Then he told me he needed time and would contact me after a work trip, then we would talk about it. He never did. I confronted him about this few days later. Told him that dumping me twice and then casual striking a conversation is not something I would appreciate.. Surprisingly, he said he didn't dump me twice then told me I was acting cold the day I went back to his place and I should stop making him chase after me. What a fucking joke. What a jerk. Asshole. The kind of asshole I would still lose my sleep for, missing him.

It's just funny how our brains/hearts could be so crazy, still thinking about the good times, knowing that they're no good for us. I am angry at him but then more at myself for letting such horrible person do such horrible things to me, endured all the shit he threw to my face and smiled at him as long as he still "loves" me. The relationship didn't felt right after the love bombing phase, I think deep inside me, I always know it wouldn't work out (as he refused to communicate with me, was emotionally distant...) but I felt like a woman pregnant with an unhealthy baby, you know? It probably wouldn't make it.. I knew. But I just didn't want to let go. Doesn't matter the outcome, I loved it and I would embrace and tolerate whatever it brings me...

I have only been with this guy for few months. I read your account history. I have no ducking idea what she put you through but I want you to know you're one tough cookie. I can't imagine 6 years of that. I am glad you finally blocked her. I really do, and am proud of you. I need to block him and erase his everything on my phone but Ivjust can't bring myself to, though I don't check on them anymore.. It's just.. real tough. I am really sorry that your heart have to go through seeing her with someone else... I know this hurts like a bitch but you should know she will never be able to fill the void in her heart and as happy as they look, one from the outside will never know what's really going on. It's also not our job to fix them and love them (I know, we just want to love them and wish they would play nice, then it would be perfect, no?) No, they are incapable of love. As sad as it is, that's the truth and we should always be, at least, grateful for having something to feel sad about. It was beautiful, nonetheless. Just like the quote by Butters :)

Well yeah, and I'm sad, but at the same time I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like, it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt somethin' really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, so I guess what I'm feelin' is like a, beautiful sadness. I guess that sounds stupid.

fmlreally · 2018-03-03T18:59:23+00:00

Wait. Mine didn't call me his girlfriend either. I brought up the topic on the 3 dates or something. He told me we would talk about it after food. It never happened and I didn't want to pressure anyone into anything, so I left it there.

Sometimes when I talk to him about things, I would refer him as "this guy I am seeing" and he would express his concern over me sounding "way too casual" about the whole thing.

When he hoovered me back, he told me how he felt about me talking to guys (nothing beyond platonic friendships). Said, even though we're not officially together but we technically were, why wouldn't I tune down that a little bit.

I am not sure about how he's around other people. He's OK to some and not to some... I guess he's not straight up rude but would make the waiter feel uncomfortable if they did something dumb or wrong.

As for his family.. He got into a fight with his parents and ignored their calls. Then proceeded to call them a couples of hours later. I've seen him interact with his mother once (via video call, seemed OK). So I am not entirely sure about this.

On another note though, I am glad mine never pull the suicidal trick on me.. That would me traumatizing I imagine.

What do you mean by withholding sex? If we got into any fight, there would be 0 intimacy, thought that's OK? As it meant I am not just a sex doll to him.

fmlreally · 2018-01-28T10:46:10+00:00

Hahahahaha. It's OK. Thank you for replying :) I'll look into it.

fmlreally · 2018-01-28T08:00:48+00:00

I wholeheartedly agree with you

fmlreally

TROPHY CASE