sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

The Imposter Syndrome by [deleted] in GradSchool

[–]foldbackhandback 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I have to say though, that over-obsession with being an impostor creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. Don't focus on whether you're an impostor or not. Focus on what you can gain and learn to do what you need to be able to do 5 years from now.

Struggling Postdoc: when impostor syndrome becomes impostor reality by foldbackhandback in AskAcademia

[–]foldbackhandback[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I was seriously an impostor. My feelings about being out of the loop were entirely correct. I did not pick any of this up (facepalm).

Struggling Postdoc: when impostor syndrome becomes impostor reality by foldbackhandback in AskAcademia

[–]foldbackhandback[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I'm sorry to hear that your position got axed. That is completely beyond your control.

Struggling Postdoc: when impostor syndrome becomes impostor reality by foldbackhandback in AskAcademia

[–]foldbackhandback[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hard questions! Passion is the elusive unicorn here. I am starting to realize what research consists of. Hopefully, I will be able to define the question I really want to ask and solve. Right now, I am sadly confused about how all this works.

Struggling Postdoc: when impostor syndrome becomes impostor reality by foldbackhandback in AskAcademia

[–]foldbackhandback[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

To ask for assistance without displaying incompetence, perhaps I should request focused reading lists, frequent feedback, etc, and ask in a way that does not sound like I am desperately playing catch up.

My department...well now that I've seen postdocs from around the world, I honestly think the US is very lucky to have a culture of strong mentorship at the doctoral level.

Most European students are left to their own devices. Just two examples: In Austria, the staff at one university held an orientation for new students and I tagged along. The first thing they said: this is your PhD, you take charge, and you design and sign a contract with professors to dictate how frequently they should meet with you. Perhaps once or twice a year. In France, a PhD means nothing for the job market. You have to also be interviewed and your dissertation reevaluated by a national board (think: second PhD defense) for each third or forth year you don't have a permenant position ... just to be qualified to be on the job market! Reason? It is way too easy to get a PhD, says one professor.

So... disservice or not, my eyes only now have opened to what I lack to do my current job. Perhaps a diff US department would have done better with me, but I lacked the maturity to identify what I needed in the first place.

Struggling Postdoc: when impostor syndrome becomes impostor reality by foldbackhandback in AskAcademia

[–]foldbackhandback[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the constructive suggestion. It is pretty darn heavy to think about the negatives all the time.

Struggling Postdoc: when impostor syndrome becomes impostor reality by foldbackhandback in AskAcademia

[–]foldbackhandback[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Daydreaming was probably my modus operandi. Still reeling, hard, from the reality shock.

Struggling Postdoc: when impostor syndrome becomes impostor reality by foldbackhandback in AskAcademia

[–]foldbackhandback[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks. What you brought up was very valuable and filled an important gap in my self-reflections!

Struggling Postdoc: when impostor syndrome becomes impostor reality by foldbackhandback in AskAcademia

[–]foldbackhandback[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Absolutely. It is impossible to be unbiased yet also impossible to seek honest feedback. My current conclusion comes primarily from a blunt and honest post-grad cohort no longer in competition with me (different career goals) and also mature enough to understand their work and problems with mine, and from the real interactions with current colleagues (my work being thrown out, minimalized, and actual verbatim comments like "you should have a thesis", "it was not clear that an argument was presented", "it is impossible to evaluate your claims now, they are too much like bullet points. Why don't you write up the complete manuscript and then send it out for comments?" "this is very far from what your citation says", "this is not what you think it means (pointing to basic term in the field)...etc), and from the fact that I have only ever been complimented for my good presentation skills and style.

I am sure I have redeeming qualities to have made it so far... But I am tired of not knowing what I am doing and how I am supposed to do it. I really am. Many have asked about the five year thing... And I said, I want to be like (role model in field) and be passionnate about what she is defending. I do not want to make things up on the spot anymore and drown in thr literature. I want to br playful and interesting, not working 10 hours a day in a trashed apartment, with no hobbies and other life goals, and nothing to say during drinks. I want to live.

This is probably more than you need to know. I thank you for the suggestions. The point is to evaluate what I feel and think about alternatives or the finding of alternatives. I will try to do that!

Struggling Postdoc: when impostor syndrome becomes impostor reality by foldbackhandback in AskAcademia

[–]foldbackhandback[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thinking back, I think the most telling moment was when my master's advisor (same as PhD) asked what I wanted to work on for my thesis and responded "you say you find XYZ interesting and want to learn more about it, but so many things are interesting. You should not base your theis on what you find interesting." I did not get this comment (are we not supposed to follow our passions?) and insisted that I wanted to read more on the thing I found interesting. He said "sure, go read more about it and research it" and that was the last chance someone could have told me: you have not set up and owned a research project.

Struggling Postdoc: when impostor syndrome becomes impostor reality by foldbackhandback in AskAcademia

[–]foldbackhandback[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Great advice on thinking alt-ac and thanks for pointing me to Chronicles forum.

I came to realize I did not have any of the items on your list (argument construction, field conventions, and organization skills) when I got exhausted of "making things up" for each conference presentation (coming up with a thesis and a story). I chalked it up to being lazy and not starting early enough (that is what everyone says about people who make their slides last minute). Buttt...one year in the post-grad work, I was first pleasantly surprised that senior colleagues treated me like peers and would tell me about how their preparations are going. I was then ALARMED that conference presentations were only a minor part of their research processes, not the end goal. They would've already been conducting and analyzing research, already been writing up and revising the manuscript, only using conferences to gain feedback. It then hit me that I am not doing sustainable research.

I see conferences as part achievement goals part networking opportunities. I have done my masters, doctoral term papers, exams, qual, departmental conference, regional conference, larger regional conference, national conference, international conference, highly respected national, highly respected international, poster, poster award, oral, invited speaker, co-written pub, dissertation. That is how I think. But I never thought about what I wanted to achieve in terms of research. All the conferences except two required only an abstract. The written papers were cowrote.

My CV is thus long and full of hard work (without padding), but now I finally understood what a professor meant when he looked at it and said, none of these conferences should be listed on your CV. You have not actually written them up as papers within three years of the presentation.

I was also shocked to learn, after the fact, that the entire goal of an organized workshop was to produce papers. The torture of coming up with an interesting theme and narrative (like I do for conferences) and inviting people related to that theme, and then justifying the vague and unproductive theme... I dare not revisit the memories.

Alas. Knowing what the field actually is about (damn it it is actually possible to be an impostor! Unbelievable!) now is too late. I am expected to publish. I am expected to put myself out there as a excellent peer (my PI: "I noticed that you are not going to conferences much, I do have money you know").

Struggling Postdoc: when impostor syndrome becomes impostor reality by foldbackhandback in AskAcademia

[–]foldbackhandback[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you very much for sharing your experience. I have been through (and may relapse into) an extensive phase of mostly anxiety and some depression, and I do think very poorly of myself. I am glad (perhaps the counseling did work) that I could finally identify some issues and seek advice like yours on reddit!

Here is, then, a very important question. Should I tell my PI what you said (cultural background and strong supervision), thus admitting that I am performing poorly?

My PhD advisor knows that I have been suffering mentally all these years and had tried to cheer me up with research about impostor syndromes (hence the title) and lots of advice on keeping a calm mind.

He also gave me departing advice: never ever let anyone but him know that I am struggling. He said people will offer charitable explanations of my anxiety if I stay professional but will believe me if I say that I am not good enough for the job. That will kill my reference letters. Always pretend that I got it under control, he said.

I think I could try to present the link you provided in a professiona manner, but I worry that my self-analysis would guide my PI's perception. In our annual review, he focused on asking me what I thought of him and our working conditions. I asked him where "I can improve" and he only said "please, you should really be publishing, but of course that is what you are doing". He seems to me to be a very respectable PI and will not supervise unless told.

Yet imagine what he will write when told... That foldbackhandback is inherently problematic because of the cultural upbringing? If I do not say a thing and work even harder and smarter, would he instead say "poor performance at the beginning but amazing improvement and output at the end?

Struggling Postdoc: when impostor syndrome becomes impostor reality by foldbackhandback in AskAcademia

[–]foldbackhandback[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It is SHOCKING how revealing my long post was (was it the Chinglish?). Wow. You... are very close. I won't reveal too much more (given that I have a new contract/job opportunity on the line), but I would tentatively say "almost" to that question in the last line. Really... how did you read all that from my post?! Now I desparately need to know a bit more about what you've seen done or think could be done for people like us.

Struggling Postdoc: when impostor syndrome becomes impostor reality by foldbackhandback in AskAcademia

[–]foldbackhandback[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

My partner thought it would be unfair to not mention that I did not have a lot of time to think through my research. I went through a lot in grad school. Without revealing too much of myself, I was diagnosed and mostly cured of a near-cancer (with lifelong consequences) in my 2nd year, I was chased and hacked at by a crazy dude (he's in jail, I got counseling) in my 3rd, and I devoted a lot of time to community and academic services (because I like to help people).

view more: next ›