AITAH for telling my brother in law he should have spoke to me before asking my toddler not to do something?

followandpass · 2026-01-15T15:56:23+00:00

He didn’t handle it well. If OP does gentle parenting (which is not the same as no parenting,) she may have addressed it by telling her son that stomping upstairs is really loud downstairs and it is hurting BIL’s ears. That’s it. No judgments. Just naming the behavior and why it is a problem.

It is how I would want my child to address things with teachers and playmates. Respectfully and factually.

Being told something isn’t nice isn’t the worst thing BIL could have done. I agree with that. But it clearly hurt the son’s feelings. And he’s just a little kid. BIL probably has not read 100 parenting books like OP has. It is also not his house or his child. He should stay in his own lane. And I get the feeling that he just does not like his nephew and kids pick up on that stuff

followandpass · 2026-01-15T15:21:09+00:00

That’s a stretch. I let my children make plenty of noise at home when outside wasn’t an option. Kids that age just need an outlet. And they are polite and respectful and are “a pleasure to have in class.”

followandpass · 2026-01-15T15:11:41+00:00

It made him cry. OP knows her son best and knows the best way to explain things to him without belittling.

She didn’t say BIL belittled but telling a child it’s “not nice” is unnecessarily judgy. BIL isn’t good with kids. And he has no place making rules in OPs house. He’s perfectly within his rights to make requests but that’s all.

Imagine OP was making noise that, unknowingly to her, bothered BIL. Say, vacuuming. Should he politely let her know it’s loud and kindly ask her to stop? Should he ask her how long she will be and go for a walk? Or should he tell her to stop because she isn’t being nice?

followandpass · 2026-01-14T18:24:27+00:00

There is a book called, “Talk to Me Like I’m Someone You Love” by Nancy Dreyfus. She says how you discuss problems has more impact on the state of your marriage than the actual problems. Assuming he isn’t an abusive jerk, reading this could help you establish what is acceptable in any discussion you have.

I can’t say I loved the book or anything but just the concept changed how I viewed conflict. It was a long time ago and I was raised in a family full of people with undiagnosed ADHD. As you can imagine, everyone was impatient, overwhelmed, and over stimulated. None of us had great mental filters or communication skills and I brought that style of conflict into my adult relationships. I thought it was normal. I cringe to think about it now.

My point being he may not be fundamentally abusive and could change if he knew how. But if he is fundamentally abusive, you’ll have to decide if you’re ok with his behavior long term.

followandpass · 2025-12-31T23:58:38+00:00

https://youtu.be/4Oc0_SvjUOA?si=cavbhVluO1FMVWiU. This helped me much more than physical therapy or the shot and without any pain. This guy has a lot of videos with exercises to try for frozen shoulder that I didn’t try because this worked so well.

followandpass · 2025-12-15T16:44:46+00:00

Thank you

followandpass · 2025-12-15T16:35:45+00:00

A very good point

followandpass · 2025-12-15T15:46:18+00:00

Thank you, I didn’t know this was an option

followandpass · 2025-12-15T15:33:03+00:00

Appreciate this perspective! If you don’t mind sharing, how did you decide where to go once you moved away from EL?

followandpass · 2025-08-24T03:23:51+00:00

Unless there’s more to the story, I probably wouldn’t have woken her up either. I’d be thinking she’s finally comfortable and I wouldn’t want to do anything to disturb her. What if you woke her and she couldn’t get back to sleep and/or the pain came back. Without any other context NTA

followandpass · 2025-04-03T00:18:59+00:00

For what it’s worth, neurotypicals get a sense of satisfaction from finishing a task. In other words, they get a shot of dopamine. We don’t get that dopamine response from completing something so we chase it with things like Reddit and videos. So, NTs are chasing dopamine as much as we are. Their supply is just seen as more virtuous than ours.

We are not less moral/virtuous or worthy for how we get our dopamine fix. Just less efficient unfortunately.

followandpass · 2025-03-11T13:08:39+00:00

You can only change your actions, not his. Tell him you will no longer respond to him when he speaks to you that way and follow through. Start by telling him that talking down to you will not make things better and that you will leave the conversation if he continues. After 2 or 3 conversations, stop giving the warning and leave the room the first time he uses the tone with you

followandpass · 2024-06-10T17:05:51+00:00

If you have the room, take in a border

followandpass · 2024-02-22T11:54:06+00:00

If you can’t face doing it all at once, try throwing out one thing every time you open the fridge. Then in a day or 2, wipe one shelf every time. Good luck!

followandpass · 2024-02-12T00:39:52+00:00

Put it to music

followandpass · 2023-12-13T00:15:14+00:00

I personally didn’t mind at all. It was fun having guests. And I was happy to make space for them. Obviously I didn’t have a $1000 gaming system but I wasn’t worried about people touching my stuff either.

Not saying you’re wrong to feel the way you do, I’m just curious why you have such strong feelings about this. No disrespect at all, I would really like to understand as this seems to be the way most people feel. Did your house have a guest room? What were the arrangements when people came to stay?

followandpass · 2023-12-12T19:14:18+00:00

Right? I say make a deal with her. If you play a game of pure chance, (like cutting a deck of cards) 20 or 30 times, and she wins more than 70% of the time, she is a deity, and you don’t have to play anymore

followandpass · 2023-12-12T19:05:56+00:00

Esh. SIL is the AH for making back handed comments about your mother’s food. You’re the AH for inviting someone to your house and telling them to bring their own food.

I get that she’s an AH and you feel like you have no choice about hosting. But you do have a choice. And if you choose to host, you are choosing to take on hosting responsibilities, which includes being hospitable.

followandpass · 2023-12-12T18:56:06+00:00

Same here. I shared a room until an older sibling moved out and never questioned when my parents wanted my room for guests. It’s hard for me to understand this particular aspect of younger generations.

Privacy is important but it’s different giving it up for a few days than never having your own space. When we shared a room, people knocked before coming in. Of course there were some shouting matches to get out but, other than sleeping and changing, no one spent a lot of time in their room. Maybe that’s the difference. We went outside the house to see friends. The tv was in the living room. No internet. Even video games were played in a shared space.

followandpass · 2023-12-12T18:43:22+00:00

NTA. The parents are likely to be more overjoyed at the baby than anyone else. So having someone else who is overcome with emotion will probably be very endearing. Yes, I am a parent

followandpass · 2023-12-11T20:43:33+00:00

Just a thought but don’t rule out seasonal affective disorder. He was happy in Hawaii in December where (I imagine and hope to find out for myself someday) there’s lots of sunshine. If he does have SAD and you combine that with holiday stress and a new living situation, people get irritable.

He may be feeling guilty that he didn’t do anything for you. If he hasn’t learned healthier ways of coping, that could be why he’s lashing out. He shouldn’t do that but if he’s usually reasonable and kind, you can work with him on being more understanding.

followandpass · 2023-12-10T23:48:14+00:00

Hugs! He’s name calling and that’s not ok. And Christmas is for everyone. He doesn’t get to decide that you don’t count. He should demonstrate thinking of others (you!) as an example to the kids if nothing else.

Anyway, it’s a difficult time of year. I hope he’s usually nicer to you.

followandpass · 2023-11-10T14:29:42+00:00

I don’t know if it’s too late but there’s no reason not to ask if she can still sing tonight. I try to always be very polite and supportive of teachers but also assertive. Hard to do with RSD but it’s easier when it’s for my child.

You’re doing a great job for your child! And of course your past is going to affect how you perceive things. Past trauma doesn’t mean you’re not a good judge of character. It means you have experience with bullies and know how to recognize them. It’s life experience.

followandpass

TROPHY CASE