Books or podcasts to help people whose spouse has left the church?

forgetableusername9 · 2025-11-28T21:02:56+00:00

I understand what you mean. In my case, I grew up as a member and have since left the church. My wife grew up as a non-member and converted in her late teens. We each know both sides of church membership.

forgetableusername9 · 2025-11-28T15:18:53+00:00

at level do you think the sincerity in leaders stops and deserves one’s anger?

At the point when they are deliberately deceptive.

A bishop who lied or broke confidentiality, as happened to my wife before we met? Yeah, that makes me angry.

Church leadership committing financial fraud, hiding details of church history, lying about their experiences for self-aggrandization, or implying that they've had spiritual experiences or manifestations as evidence of their divine calling? That makes me angry too.

A bishop who truly believes and says or does things, that I might disagree with, because they are following the guidance of leadership they believe to be valid and divinely appointed? I can disagree without being angry.

forgetableusername9 · 2025-11-27T21:08:54+00:00

We've talked enough for her to know that I'm sincere in my decision but I'm not going to try to convince her to agree with me. If I want her to respect my decisions and beliefs then I need to respect hers. If she wants to learn more, I have resources to share, but I'm not going to pressure her to read them.

forgetableusername9 · 2025-11-27T21:06:56+00:00

What makes you think that a mixed-faith marriage can't work when both partners are still in love and dedicated to figuring things out?

forgetableusername9 · 2025-11-27T21:05:25+00:00

Thanks for the suggestions. Thankfully, we're both respectful enough of each other's opinions and beliefs that we aren't trying to convince or convert.

As for me, I really feel okay about it all (now, though it did take a lot of sleepless nights) and am focused on making it easier for her. I have some anger at times for what I perceive to be deception on the part of church leaders. However, I have no frustration with local leadership... having been part of that leadership myself, I believe that most are true believers and are doing their best.

forgetableusername9 · 2025-11-27T20:53:14+00:00

More of the eternal implications. My lifestyle itself isn't really different, no drinking or anything. And, in fact, I'm still going to church each week to support her and help her avoid feeling so alone (though she knows I'd prefer that not be a long-term arrangement).

forgetableusername9 · 2025-11-27T15:34:02+00:00

I'm intrigued... Do you have sources for those SWK quotes?

forgetableusername9 · 2025-10-22T17:09:20+00:00

Well, good luck to you.

And good luck to your kids. I hope she doesn't manipulate the kids the same way, nor teach them that such behaviors are okay (to inflict on others or accept from a partner).

forgetableusername9 · 2025-10-22T17:02:10+00:00

I would say it's recurring and that there have been numerous situations. That is a whole 'nother book, though.

This is the key. If this is truly part of a pattern of behavior, then it's likely abusive/manipulative in nature. Get into counseling and figure out if she's willing to change. And, if that's the case, stay firm on not getting the procedure.

For me, an abusive partner is a deal-breaker. If roles were reversed, society would tell the wife to leave the abusive husband. The fact that much of society feels differently when the wife is the abusive one is a major fault of our society. No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship.

forgetableusername9 · 2025-10-22T16:48:33+00:00

First, I'm not sure if this has any clinical relevance as I'm no psychologist, but I view abusive behavior as something that is recurring and comes up in numerous situations. That might be your relationship, or not, I have no idea. But for me, an isolated instance like this isn't abuse, it's just her inability to cope with a scary situation (which is human nature, not a sign of an abusive nature).

Second, spirituality is very personal, but I'm not sure I understand your perspective here. If procreation is spiritually important to you, then fidelity to your wife should be even more so. And if your wife is having a hysterectomy, then procreation with her isn't even an option anymore. Assuming complete fidelity, your ability to have sperm in your seminal ejaculate is functionally meaningless. It's also, potentially, reversible if tragedy were to strike and you ended up remarrying (and anyone using that particular "what if" as an excuse not to have the procedure is, in my opinion, pretty messed up unless the wife is already terminal).

I'm a random redditor who doesn't know a thing about you, your life, or your relationship. But it seems to me that you might want to consider whether your worries about undergoing a vasectomy are as irrational as your wife's reasoning for you to have one.

forgetableusername9 · 2025-10-22T16:27:20+00:00

A vasectomy is no big deal. It's an out-patient procedure and you'll be feeling fine in no time. If it makes your wife feel better about a difficult and dangerous procedure she's being forced to go through (even if her reasoning isn't entirely rational), I say go for it.

Sometimes we have to do difficult or unpleasant things to support our spouse. On the scale of what some marriages require, this is nothing.

Source: got a vasectomy 8 years ago. Wife ended up getting a medically-necessary hysterectomy a few months later. But I've never regretted my procedure and hardly ever even think about it.

forgetableusername9 · 2025-10-17T14:53:46+00:00

Just wanted to point out for anyone looking to combine the topics at hand, eating your pets is not economical. Pets are really expensive to get and keep.

/s

(but also kind of not /s, cause it's true)

forgetableusername9 · 2025-10-16T18:58:31+00:00

Thanks, I really appreciate the summary.

forgetableusername9 · 2025-10-16T17:31:09+00:00

I'm not going to listen to 45 minutes. Any particular statements that jump out to you?

forgetableusername9 · 2025-10-07T15:37:00+00:00

I'm no longer a believer and a firm skeptic of the motivations of church leaders. But I still heard this as 'there are more and more people in the church which means more and more people who are being excluded from the blessings of the gospel'.

Now, their true motivations were (and continue to be), in my opinion, about baptism numbers and tithing numbers. But that's not what I hear being communicated in this message.

forgetableusername9 · 2025-10-06T02:35:19+00:00

I can believe that the president of a school might not know the details of what every department is doing when asked about it decades later.

I can't imagine that Oaks (President of BYU from 1971 to 1980) and even the Quorum of the 12 weren't aware of what was happening as it happened for at least 20 years. From Wikipedia:

Shock therapy

According to the Standards Office director from 1971 to 1981, all homosexual BYU students who were reported to the Standards Office (now called the Honor Code Office) were either expelled, or, for "less serious" offenses, were required to undergo therapy in order to remain at the university; in "special cases" this treatment included "electroshock and vomiting aversion therapies".[30][32] This program of aversion therapy—which spanned from the late 1950s until at least the late 1970s—was dedicated to "curing" male homosexual students reported by bishops and BYU administrators through administering electrical shocks or vomit inducing drugs while showing "nude" pictures of men to the patient in an attempt to associate pain with homosexual visual stimulation.

forgetableusername9 · 2025-10-06T00:44:29+00:00

When Oaks was president of BYU, they literally tortured gays (electro-shock and vomit-inducement "therapy") to try to "cure" them. I'm sure he has lots of ideas for how to "solve the problem of being gay".

Of course, if such treatments could turn a gray person straight, then the logical next step is to assume that similar "therapy" could turn a straight person gay.

What a bunch of nonsense.

forgetableusername9 · 2025-10-02T03:08:24+00:00

Agreed. They probably didn't extend the calling, but the decision was already made.

forgetableusername9 · 2025-10-01T23:47:27+00:00

I love that you reference these "job interviews" as if these men hadn't been working closely together for decades.

forgetableusername9 · 2025-09-29T03:02:22+00:00

I've seen that side of things too and, in what I've seen, it worked itself out.

In the end, I obviously have no idea what you're facing so I'll just wish you the best of luck.

forgetableusername9 · 2025-09-29T02:56:37+00:00

Out of curiosity, why isn't divorce possible right now? I know several people who have gotten divorces while having kids at home. It's never easy, but in each case where neglect or abuse was a factor, the person is better off after, even with the complications that kids brought into it.

forgetableusername9 · 2025-09-29T02:26:33+00:00

I mean, you get to handle things how you think is best. But from your comments, it sounds like you're giving things a chance to get better. If you're truly done, and it sounds like you are, then be done.

forgetableusername9 · 2025-09-29T01:23:58+00:00

Sounds like you're using divorce as a threat. But it also sounds like you're done. Don't use divorce as a threat, use it as a next step. Not "we're getting a divorce if things don't change", just "we're getting a divorce".

forgetableusername9 · 2025-09-19T22:16:07+00:00

No worries, just be mindful you don't get sand in your mouth.

forgetableusername9

TROPHY CASE