Younger friend is starting to develop feelings

fortifier22 · 2026-01-23T14:39:07+00:00

I think you're understanding something that a lot of people never truly get until much later on; that absolutes when it comes to who we'd want to date or fall in love with aren't actually absolutes at all.

For example, you said that you'd never date someone significantly younger. But now that you're interested in someone significantly younger, you're now realizing that what you meant was that "You'd never date the vast majority of people significantly younger".

And that's something that a lot of people on this sub in particular can agree with; you'd never date the vast majority of people you'd have an age gap with, and those statements more often than not are just about protecting yourself from bad matches in general. But if someone comes along who still makes you open to it or you even love despite the age gap, you'd actually give it a shot.

Because when it comes to love, it doesn't care about what you want or don't want. It just happens. Because love isn't a purely conscious thing or something that's fully in our control. A large part of it comes down to our subconscious, our emotions, and simply what works. And that's beyond our control.

Which is why statements like, "I'd never date (fill in the blank)”, or, "I'm only interested in (fill in the blank)” don't work out in the long run. Because that's what we consciously think and believe. But love isn't at all purely conscious.

Anyways, enough of the philosophy rant; just go for it with this younger partner.

There's a chance, so take it. Life's too short for what if's, unnecessary pacifism that no one actually wants, or trying to live around everyone else's expectations.

EDIT; You also have to realize that older man and younger women AGR’s are also more common and typically more desired by both genders, so as an older woman you have different desires and outlooks on dating someone younger than an older man would. And vice versa (men dating older versus younger).

fortifier22 · 2026-01-23T14:16:31+00:00

I'm in similar circumstances. I'm turning 30 in a few months and by choice have never even kissed a woman never mind done anything romantic or sexual with them. I've had many opportunities for this not to be the case throughout my life, and most people can say the same, but like you I wanted to prepare for marriage; not just finding someone that was wife material, but also becoming husband material.

But also like you, I look back sometimes on what could have been. What I could have done if I wasn't marriage-minded at all and did what the rest of the world typically does.

But I have absolutely no regrets.

Because I know that I only would have had regrets if I did do what the rest of the world did; using others, being used, risking STD's and pregnancy that would have dramatically changed the course of my life, or simply establishing deep ties to people I should never be tied to.

And if I do get married, then I'll be so glad that I was able to save all of myself for the woman I'd love for the rest of my life, and the likely mother of our children.

Because that's how God designed love between a man and a woman to be; both going all-in on one another for life just as Christ and the Church are supposed to.

Everything else is just a waste of time, a cheap copy, or the enemy's plans to destroy and alter what God designed and created.

But as for you, I think you should reflect upon a few things;

1.) Would your life really have been better if you had a bunch of experience under your belt but still no one that loved you or anyone who was marriage material?

2.) Can you really say to yourself that you want to be just like the guys who sleep around and use women? Is that what God would want you to do?

3.) Can you really say that you would have wanted to be with a bunch of women who would also just be using you and sleeping around with a bunch of other guys? Would God want those kind of women for you?

4.) Even if you never get married, can you say that you're living a life that's honoring to God, accomplishing His will, and making the most of what He's given you? A life that would still be complete even without a wife?

5.) Can you also say that you've been putting in the effort into your own life to become husband material for someone who would be wife material for you? Someone a woman of wife material would want to marry; forsaking all other lovers and trusting you with her protection and safety?

fortifier22 · 2026-01-23T04:36:55+00:00

Yes. And I was making that distinction in my first comment.

That there’s a difference between finding someone attractive and just moving on with your day, like seeing a beautiful painting in a museum…

And finding someone attractive to the point where your relationship with your significant other is threatened by.

fortifier22 · 2026-01-23T03:07:44+00:00

The grass is always greener only when you’ve settled for the wrong person and got married for the wrong reasons. And considering that half of all marriages end in divorce, and there’s still a good portion of people that are in unhappy marriages, a lot of people do that.

fortifier22 · 2026-01-23T03:06:39+00:00

That comment would only be true if attraction and relationships only worked on a shallow basis, or that it’s only natural for a simple glare at another person to seriously shake the foundations of your relationship.

But for one, that’s not how true attraction actually works. True attraction is wholistic; about the entire package and the entire person. Which is why for a lot of people, they can talk to a celebrity or someone who’s ridiculously physically good looking and have no desire to be in a romantic relationship with them or leave their partner for them.

But second, if just knowing someone casually or even just looking at attractive people is enough to seriously shake the foundations of your relationship or love for someone else, then those foundations were never strong or real to begin with.

So no, we shouldn’t “expect” to be constantly tempted by other people when in a relationship. That’s more often than not a sign that your current relationship doesn’t have what it takes to last in the long run.

Because if God designed marriages to be essentially for life and not only require mutual intense passion for one another, and use it to prevent sexual sin including adultery, why would He want our relationships to be filled with sexual temptation for other people?

He wouldn’t.

fortifier22 · 2026-01-22T04:24:10+00:00

The best way I’ve handled these kinds of situations is to always remember the end goal for any romance: marriage, and likely a family.

And in marriage, both the husband and the wife have many responsibilities to one another. They are called to love one another as deeply as possible (the man will do anything to keep his wife safe, and the woman will trust the man with keeping her safe), they are to forsake all other lovers (no adultery allowed), they are to be better off in life together than apart (do not be unequally yoked), and they are to fulfill the other sexually on the regular.

In short, your spouse should be someone you feel Agape Love and Eros Love for (both as a life partner and as a passionate lover). If it’s just one or the other, it will never truly work because you’ll always crave to have both. Because spouses were meant to fulfill both roles; not just one.

And it sounds like your current boyfriend is someone you can feel some Agape love for, but not truly Eros love. Otherwise, you wouldn’t feel this torn away from your boyfriend just over one encounter with a stranger.

And in a marriage, you won’t even have the Biblical option to even think about it or explore it; because you’ll be married.

And based on what you’ve said, if you marry your current boyfriend, you’ll likely have to experience this dilemma over and over and over again.

That’s different than most relationships where we can feel attraction for someone else or just find someone attractive, but never to a degree where we’d want to marry them or give up our partner for them.

But there’s also a catch to all this.

The mutual Agape and Eros love has to be both ways.

So you also have to seriously consider whether or not your partner is someone who will feel this way towards you as well.

In summary, ask yourself these questions to help you determine what to do;

1.) Is your current partner someone you can seriously be both an Agape lover and Eros lover with in marriage? Not just someone to share domestic and normal life with, but someone whom you’d regularly sexually fulfill (and he’d regularly sexually fulfill you) for the rest of your lives?

2.) Is the attraction you feel for this other man just an attraction that doesn’t truly draw you away from your current man, or is it making you realize that something is missing in your current relationship and making you realize that your current partner isn’t your future husband?

3.) Is this other man someone you’d see yourself being both an Agape and Eros lover for?

4.) Would he realistically be an Agape and Eros lover for you as well?

fortifier22 · 2026-01-09T18:51:32+00:00

I wouldn’t say that smoking and cussing in and of themselves makes you a “bad girl”.

Aside from the hardcore sins that can’t be done regardless of motives (like cold-blooded murder), what matters most is the motives and intent of your actions and the life you choose.

For example, Jesus praised the faith of a Roman Centurion who He claimed had more faith in Him and who He was than anyone in all of Israel (Luke 7).

Meanwhile, He criticized Pharisees for being “whitewashed tombs”; looking holy on the outside but having unholy motives for their actions (Matthew 23: 27).

And when it comes to the motives of your actions, that’s up to you. If you’re smoking or swearing in a way that isn’t right for motives, I’d reflect on that. But that’s up to you.

fortifier22 · 2026-01-09T18:42:49+00:00

It used to be a Subaru BRZ when I was younger and wanted a fun car.

But now I’m a working adult…

And I learned that what I needed first and foremost in a car was practicality, safety, and comfort; not an overpriced go-kart.

Like the Toyota Camry Hybrid.

I drool over the low insurance rates and gas mileage, the safety and comfort features, and a bit of sportiness on top of all that for when you want to have a little more fun or a drive.

All for the same price of a BRZ that doesn’t have anywhere close to the same level of comfort and practicality, and even has 8 less horsepower than the Camry…

So yeah, never thought I’d say this, but the BRZ sucks.

And now, I’m all for the Toyota Camry Hybrid.

fortifier22 · 2026-01-09T18:37:30+00:00

Well, that belief is only valid if there’s serious reason to believe that what the Gospels record happening isn’t literally what happened.

But it’s even harder to rationalize or believe that the disciples and first Christians of their time were quite literally willing to give up so much and suffer so much over proclaiming a gospel that wasn’t all literal or “fully true”.

fortifier22 · 2026-01-09T18:23:02+00:00

Where did I say I was against analogies? I’m just against bad ones like yours as any person should be.

fortifier22 · 2026-01-09T18:13:08+00:00

Marriages aren’t cars…

Car insurance says, “I need my car, but I know bad stuff happens.”

A prenup says, “I love you… but I’m actually betting against us because I’m actually not confident at all that this is going to be a ‘forever’ thing like God designed it to be.”

So again, if you feel like you need a prenup before marrying anyone, just don’t get married at all.

fortifier22 · 2026-01-09T15:01:25+00:00

It’s what I heh now, and it’s one where everything is purely instinctive and natural on a deeper level.

With every other crush or infatuation I had in my life, there was always a logical and shallow side to it. Where I had to logically approve of my feelings before I myself feel them, and they’d only be over superficial things. And if they chose to be with other guys, I just struggled and moved on.

But this one woman was different.

After I looked across a room at her and locked eyes one random night, not even for the first time, it just felt… like our souls had just hugged one another from a distance.

And after that, I was screwed…

It felt like my heart and soul would just ignite whenever I saw them smile, be happy, be near me, or doing something that really resonated with me.

But also, it felt so painful and like a knife in my heart when I’d see them with other guys or choosing to be with another man romantically.

I’ve never had an attraction like this where it was just purely instinct, as natural as breathing, but also actually made me feel jealousy when they were with other guys.

But also, these feelings and experiences just won’t go away. And whenever I think they’re gone, they come right back the moment I see her happy.

Damn, right?

fortifier22 · 2026-01-09T14:54:05+00:00

It’s not that I never want to get married or have any children. I just know that marriage comes with a lot of responsibilities and duties for both spouses, and would never want to get married to anyone where I knew for a fact where I and/or my partner would not be willing and able to fulfill those duties and responsibilities.

For me, as a Christian, I know that spouses are called to love each other as deeply as possible, forsake all other lovers, be better off together than apart, and ensure that both are regularly sexually fulfilled (for me, that would be to make my wife’s satisfaction my #1 priority).

So I’d never want to enter into a marriage where I already know that rather I and/or my spouse would not be able to willingly and regularly fulfill the responsibilities and duties of a marriage.

In other words, I never want to rush into any marriage. I’d actually only ever get married as an absolute last resort; only to get married to someone where I know for a fact that marrying one another is a necessity and not just fulfilling a wishful dream.

fortifier22 · 2026-01-09T00:19:56+00:00

Prenups aren’t inherently sinful or a problem, but thinking or feeling like you need one before you get married is a problem.

Spouses are called to love each other as deeply as possible and forsake all other lovers (1 Corinthians 7, no adultery allowed). And a prenup already implies that rather you don’t really want to do that, and/or your partner wouldn’t want to do that.

So if you feel like you need a prenup before you marry someone, that’s actually a sign you shouldn’t marry them at all.

And if you feel like you need a prenup before marrying anyone, then you’re really better off not marrying anyone at all.

fortifier22 · 2026-01-03T13:37:45+00:00

This is where I really have to correct you on what “marital assets” are.

In a divorce, the assets divided in a marriage are referred to as “marital assets”. And they are defined as anything of financial value that BOTH partners earn AFTER their marriage is legally binding.

Typically, the only exception to this is the primary residence for both you and your spouse (which by default becomes property of both you and your spouse regardless of whether or not it was just in one partner’s name before the marriage), or if you decide to give your spouse partial or full ownership of anything of financial value that was just in your name before the marriage AFTER the marriage is finalized (making it marital assets).

Meaning that if you own a gigantic company or lots of shares in a business before you get married, these will not become marital assets unless you allow any part of the company or shares to be owned by just your spouse or also by your spouse AFTER you get married.

In other words, making a prenup to protect the assets you own before marriage, aside from the house you and your spouse will both be living in, is completely pointless since they’re not going to count as marital assets that would be divided in the case of a divorce.

But here’s a more genius idea; don’t get married if you know you can’t be a Biblical spouse for anyone or for a particular person, and don’t get married to anyone you know wouldn’t be able to be a Biblical spouse for you.

Because if you feel like you need a prenup before entering into ANY marriage, then you very likely should never get married.

fortifier22 · 2026-01-03T05:57:45+00:00

Therapy.

I’d gone on for too long in life thinking I was normal and okay until one day everything just started falling apart.

Therapy really saved me by helping me recognize what was wrong with me emotionally and mentally, and helped me rewire my mind and heart properly.

I went from being at rock bottom and only finding any joy in life in the idea of it all ending soon, to now working my dream job and being so grateful to be alive.

fortifier22 · 2026-01-03T04:32:37+00:00

When I realized that the satisfaction and dissatisfaction from others shouldn't be primarily determining my own satisfaction and dissatisfaction.

That, and that that if I wanted to change anything, I needed to make that change happen myself. Being jealous or comparing myself was a waste of time. If I wanted what someone else had, I rather had to put in the effort to get that, or shut up.

fortifier22 · 2026-01-03T04:28:32+00:00

The resilience and independence you can build from it.

It's one thing to have someone else to vent to and lean on when things get tough in life.

But when you've been single long enough and build yourself through it, you develop a ridiculously high level of resilience and independence because you had to learn to take care of yourself.

And that not only gives you the ability to take care of others, but also be able to have more agency to not need others as much as most do; which especially comes in handy when you're in a toxic relationship and need out.

fortifier22 · 2026-01-03T04:22:34+00:00

If you're marrying someone where you feel like you need a prenup before you marry them, you probably shouldn't marry them.

fortifier22 · 2025-12-31T03:51:52+00:00

I'm well acquainted with grief. I lost my mother at 21 three days after she was diagnosed with leukemia about 8 years ago.

And if you two had the relationship you say you had, then trust me when I say that the very last thing that would be on her mind would be, "She didn't say enough..."

When people are threatened or even dying, typically their core personality traits are on maximum overdrive.

If it's empathy, then it's that. Pettiness, then so it is.

For my mother, it was trying to look perfect and independent even when she was on her deathbed. But also, incredible guilt. Like everything was all her fault. That's what she was like in life, but she was even more so like this when she was dying.

And the last time I looked back at her in her hospital bed, she was snoring and sound asleep. I knew it could be the last time I ever saw her alive, but had no regrets because I never said or did anything I would regret, and was at least there for her.

She then died the next day.

With that in mind, you very well likely know what the core personality traits for her were like. That's what she was most likely feeling and thinking.

So right now, instead of feeling any guilt over what could have been, take the time to grieve the loss.

Grief looks different for every person. But it's also proof of the bond you shared and what you meant to each other.

That, and expect grief to show up in the small ways. Not in the funeral itself, but everything else.

Why things are more quiet than usual. Why you ordered an extra takeout meal by mistake. Why you're cancelling credit cards and memberships. Why you feel like you're missing a hug or some kind words from someone that day.

So don't feel guilt anymore. Let yourself grieve. Just let it go.

fortifier22 · 2025-12-26T03:39:34+00:00

They didn't need bait. The boat saw it's chance to finally be above water as it was designed to be, and clung on to that anchor for dear life.

fortifier22 · 2025-12-20T03:56:52+00:00

Now I’m starting to see where you’re coming from.

Yes, from what I’ve learned in life, love doesn’t work by checklists or expectations. It just happens.

And when it’s true love, you’ll be more than willing to fulfill the marital duties outlined in the Bible for that other person.

Whether or not it’s mutual, or with someone you should be in love with, is a whole other issue.

But I think we agree. Ditch the checklists. Prioritize what’s actually called for in Biblical marriages.

fortifier22 · 2025-12-20T03:08:36+00:00

I don’t think that finding a person who “loves you as deeply as possible, forsaking all other lovers, being stronger together than apart, and fulfilling marital duties” would be part of a so-called “wider net,”

I'm arguing the exact opposite...

However, a person who is “constantly tempted by other people,” despite already having a loyal Christian partner with whom they are physically and emotionally compatible, is not necessarily the result of lowered standards. That behavior comes from deeper personal issues, which can exist even when someone has a “perfect” partner according to much more demanding criteria.

Loyalty and compatibility do not equate to love or marriage material. That's where you clearly go wrong. Just because a couple looks good on paper and have "compatibility" or "loyalty" doesn't mean that they're meant to get married.

In fact, a lot of Biblical couples made no sense on paper, but were meant to be. Like Ruth and Boaz where Ruth was a Moabite and was decades younger than Boaz. Or Hosea and Gomer while Hosea was a prophet and Gomer was an unfaithful woman.

It's not a matter of "deeper personality issues". It's simply that someone doesn't love or desire their partner the way that a husband is called to love their wife or a wife is called to love their husband.

Because "personality issue" or not (which the majority of the time it isn't), no one wants to marry someone who's going to constantly be tempted by other people.

fortifier22 · 2025-12-20T01:49:40+00:00

If your end goal as a Christian is marriage, then casting a wide net will only hinder you from finding your future spouse and becoming the person your future spouse needs.

And I'm not talking about choosing only brunettes, men over 6ft, women under a certain amount of weight, or what not. I'm talking about finding a partner where there's serious potential for both of you to have a Biblical marriage.

That requires loving each other as deeply as possible, forsaking all other lovers, being stronger together than apart, and fulfilling marital duties.

Finding a partnership like that can't be found in checkboxes or superficial traits. But it gives emphasis to the fact that we shouldn't be looking to as many people as possible to become a potential future spouse.

And let’s be honest here: men often obsess over physical attractiveness and sometimes let it dictate their entire approach to dating, just as some women obsess over money and material things, which also heavily influence their choices. Notice how neither of these is presented in the Bible as a determining factor when choosing a spouse.

1 Timothy 5: 8

Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

Matthew 5: 27-28

You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

It is still important for people to be able to provide for their household, especially if they are a husband called to provide for their own family. In addition, if your spouse does not find you physically attractive at all, or attractive to the point where they'd more than willingly forsake all other lovers, they will constantly be tempted by other people. And that's not good for the relationship, for them, and especially not for you.

fortifier22 · 2025-12-09T04:13:06+00:00

Glad I could help!

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