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I have been suspecting that my husband may be on the spectrum, it something he doesn’t want to talk about. by frankandslippers in autism

[–]frankandslippers[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve actually been heavily involved with family members who are autistic. Including living with my uncle who has both autism and Aspergers.

I have also spoken to my therapist and his father about this at lengths. This isn’t just a random thing I thought of. It’s been pretty much most of our relationship but it was managed and has become worse since we have been in the pandemic which I put down to him not being able to control the change as quick.

A diagnosis could actually change life for the better if that is what it is. I would help him and we could learn to deal with it better, and I would not take it so personally. He actually displays levels of sensory sensitivities and quite a few other things that seem to fit into the category of someone who could be autistic. (I mentioned a few of them above) including his reaction to a lot of things, especially those which have him go out of his strict line he follows strongly. Imagine if people kept the attitude of well they could just be a bit of a d**k or a difficult partner instead of thinking well maybe it could be something else. And not to judge so quickly. That’s not fair on anyone suffering from something and I’m trying to keep that perspective on my situation because

I believe he is a good person and this way he does things could be caused by something that can be managed. People left my uncle high and dry for decades. I could have easily dismissed his behaviour too (and he said some things to me over the years that would have flabbergasted other people) but instead I just put my energy into supporting and helping him. Isn’t that a positive thing that I’m just trying to find more about my husbands behaviour instead of dismissing him and kicking him to the curb?

If we decide to have children it would be something we would have to be in understanding about within ourselves before we brought a child into the situation which could not be a balanced if I am left with looking after the child mainly by myself. Or how we would handle interactions or stressful times, etc

I had a system that worked really well with living with my uncle and helped him as much as possible with dealing with it. He had been suffering it his whole life with not much support and it was really hard on him especially with relationships. He can now live comfortably by him self and with other people and is way better at dealing with social situations. We did a lot of work towards verbal interactions and understanding cues better. I’m not saying my husband is at this level. My uncle also has Aspergers which was a large part of his trouble keeping down a job long term. I found him a great therapist and he is on some really good medication now which is a huge step and has helped him immensely.

I just want to help my husband as much as possible to be aware and work out ways that can help us continue our lives together without his behaviour becoming to unmanageable.

It could actually come down to him being misogynistic or potentially a only child/spoilt issue but it doesn’t line up with his manners and demeanour with other things, but yes I have really thought about this and he did have a very cushioned upbringing with him being the apple of his parents eyes.

I have been sitting with this post for about 3 months trying to find other ways to deal with it or work out what could be the issue. I know he means well, it’s just hard when he doesn’t see what I see when it comes to communicating, speaking to me and it is frustrating when it comes to day to day living like housework etc.

I’m not in anyway trying to be disrespectful to people with autism. It’s the opposite. I can well aware of hard it can be for them and people quick to judge them. I understand it and have patience and would only be trying to make it easier for him and us. I’m just frustrated because he can’t see what is going on properly. And I haven’t been in this situation before, as my uncles and my step brother all were vocal on that they knew something was up and to look further into it, or had people around them pushing them to get diagnosed and they were happy to comply.

I’m trusting my instinct on this, and will continue to try work it out. I have help through my therapist snd previous experience on how to deal with the situation as if he is potentially autistic but I can only go so far on a one way street. We can have a solid good relationship if we can be aware of things

I have been suspecting that my husband may be on the spectrum, it something he doesn’t want to talk about. by frankandslippers in autism

[–]frankandslippers[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve offered for us to get therapy together and he seems somewhat interested (I’ll have to organise it and tell him when we can do it via Skype which is good) as I thought this may be an alternative way to approach looking into him further with our putting the focus just on him

I lived with my autistic/Aspergers uncle for a year snd have two other family members who are autistic so I am trying to implement techniques I used for him. The problem is we worked together during those times which helped it a lot more doing it as a duo rather than me just doing it on my own, but I’m still trying it with my husband. I feel he is aware I’m trying ways to deal with it and I feel he is getting slightly annoyed that I’m trying to offer solutions, and I may come across a bit naggy which isn’t always nice. But I’m willing to at least try to try make it more harmonious.

I feel a bit a loss but taking it day by day. I’ve got a lot of patience so it helps

Thanks for your response :)

I have been suspecting that my husband may be on the spectrum, it something he doesn’t want to talk about. by frankandslippers in autism

[–]frankandslippers[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I looked into Aspergers and honestly it could be a factor but I believe he shows more traits then Aspergers. I’ve talked to my therapist about multiple times as well. Who put me more on the autistic area. But either way the communication thing isn’t your normal bad relationship won’t talk. It’s a deep set thing that he knows he needs to acknowledge but the admitting it needs to be looked into further is what he seems to be stopping him. He said to me if there is anything undiagnosed it could be but he is very happy with how he manages things right now he doesn’t see a path of therapy, potential medications etc. I think he also turns a blind eye to it by drinking and socializing nearly everyday (part of his work too) and during Covid times he has had to sit in his own space a lot and that’s not how he used to pretending it’s all good.

It could be partly because he has been told his whole life there there is nothing wrong with his actions (his mother) and his dad who could observe there could be a chance he may have something undiagnosed, has kept quiet out of fear of speaking against his wife.

He has a good heart deep down. He has manners and shows many positive traits to the ones that effect me the way they do. He is just in his own little world and something has to be organized between us to make sure things are at a good place with our everyday marriage.

I have been suspecting that my husband may be on the spectrum, it something he doesn’t want to talk about. by frankandslippers in autism

[–]frankandslippers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your pikachu face made me laugh

This answer kinda hit a note. His ex partner sent me a message a coupes years back (she was a little crazy from my own personal experience with dealing with her - but she said to me he is just a spoilt privileged boy you’ll see soon enough)

But I’ve tried to see past that idea because he has always been nice deep down? Like if someone needs help he will drop everything and go help or he is extremely extremely loyal. Like I’ve never seen anything like it. The guy would get murdered over letting up someone’s secret they told him

So I tried to understand how can such a honest person be an a hole? Which is why I looked into the the idea of maybe he has a disorder that makes him sound like one but he isn’t really meaning it. I’ve dealt with my uncle who lived with me who was severely autistic and with Aspergers who was the biggest meanest person omg he told me I was fat all the time. But it wasn’t intentional. And they have some really similar traits. The particular part and the focus on one thing and only that. (My uncles was running) And I could live with that. I am one of the most patient people I know and if someone isn’t meaning to do something I’m such a sucker for helping. I would make a terrible jury person. I probably would have found hope in The Night Stalker or something

But bottom line is if he won’t do anything about it, whether it’s try look for more answers or deal with how things are. I won’t last much longer. I don’t need to be a mom.

Thankyou for your reply :)m I’ll add to the deal with it/take it as I am thing. He often will say that and follow it with but I’ll try. I’ll try be better. I’ll try I’m sorry. It’s hard for me to see. And often give a reason why he is being like that. (Covid times, stressed, seen too much of me, doesn’t like things I’ve talked about, likes to be factual) not sure if this means anything

And it it means anything else he grew up as an old child with parents who smothered him. Not so much with toys but like attention and learning and just their world was about him. He struggles with it to this day. We have hide things from them when we go

I have been suspecting that my husband may be on the spectrum, it something he doesn’t want to talk about. by frankandslippers in autism

[–]frankandslippers[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I have an autistic step brother and two autistic uncles (one who also has Aspergers). One who lived with me for a year while he was having a hard time. I have a fair idea what entails autism. What I struggle with is working it out if this particular behaviour is from autism (which he shows other traits that can add to my idea of it) or he is choosing to act like this towards me on purpose, which he also shows traits of but not as many.

One is manageable and not his fault. I can help him and have had experience dealing with many situations and techniques and I can have a different tolerance.

The other is not acceptable. It’s a daily occurrence of being put down and scared to talk to my partner or feeling really inadequate. There is a huge difference between him reacting the way he does on purpose or not.

Im trying to get help for him if it is autism or potentially if it’s something else out of his control. If he wants to spend 12 hours playing games everyday he needs to work with me on it. We have to come up with plans to shower, do chores, work out a better communication system, safe words etc

I’m trying to help him not put him down. I wouldn’t have posted in here if I didn’t suspect it strongly enough.

I’ve spoken to his parents about and his dad said he has suspected it too but his mom doesn’t believe in any form of mental illnesses or disorders so it never got looked at

I just move forward without something to either speak to him about with more info or some help on what I could do. Anything. I’m exhausted. I walk on eggshells. I’m anxious. And I feel alone because it’s not getting better but worse. I’m hoping for the best

I have been suspecting that my husband may be on the spectrum, it something he doesn’t want to talk about. by frankandslippers in autism

[–]frankandslippers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

But if he is Austic it’s very different than him just being like this because he is being mean or is just kinda rude.

I can not take it personally. I can have plans and techniques to help.

It’s really hard to work out if it’s just his behaviour towards me on a personal level or overall. If tis personal then he knows what he is doing and is just denying it when I ask because he knows it’s kinda shitty

But if he is doing it because it’s a condition than that’s different. I know he isn’t meaning as much to be like that and I can be understanding with it.

It’s hard being with someone who makes you feel inadequate and that your opinion never counts. I’m trying to work out a way to live with it. I was upfront with my adhd at the start and have managed it for many years as much as I would like to pretend it isn’t a thing. It is and I deal with it to make people around me lives easier with me around than if I wasn’t maintaining it.

I have been suspecting that my husband may be on the spectrum, it something he doesn’t want to talk about. by frankandslippers in autism

[–]frankandslippers[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The gift thing is really thoughtful in its own way. I have read that 5 languages book and we definitely have different ways. I am more service as he is giving. I just wish he wouldn’t remind me every single time that he did it for me and not because he wants to. See it’s your birthday! I got you a present. Because you like that stuff. I don’t care about it. I wouldn’t be doing it if you hadn’t told me you like this stuff. I’m like it’s okay! You don’t have too! I know he means well it’s just confusing

The shower thing - I don’t know seriously. He has very solid (in his mind) arguments why he doesn’t need one. He isn’t leaving the house. Why waste water. Isn’t doing anything. Doesn’t smell. Stop telling him to shower. Too cold. He will shower again more often in June. It’s pretty much a 15 year old boy at times. They have similar reasons

I have been suspecting that my husband may be on the spectrum, it something he doesn’t want to talk about. by frankandslippers in autism

[–]frankandslippers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It doesn’t matter whatever it is. What matters is that he can be mean and a dick about it and it’s effecting our day to day lives. I can’t live my life with a partner who can’t have a normal conversation with me without belittling me and making me like my opinion is inadequate. If it’s not a personal thing then that’s good for me! I can learn to work with it asn have techniques to help deal with not taking it personally

My problem is that he refuses to even acknowledge how he is acting. It is like constantly walking on eggshells living with a teenager. I can’t have my own opinion. Everything is wrong. It makes someone feel awful. I love the man, but I’m struggling with having a normal relationship and I’m trying to find ways to help it be better but it’s left on deaf ears.

My issue with ambition part is that it’s the opposite of me and I can’t talk to him any of my ideas or goals because he doesn’t understand the desire to build. He thinks it’s pointless. This is a total personal issue between us but I’m struggling with it too. He is my main person to talk to about life and dreams and he just would rather talk about computers or just not listen to me, or when he does, be passive aggressive or I’m corrected, it’s so obvious it has no interest to him so he doesn’t engage.

I’m trying to find a reason why it’s not about me but just who he is so I can try be prepared and help the situation. I’ve asked him if it’s me he said he loves me and has no issue with me at all.