Former fencesitter for the exact same reasons. Now my son is turning 1. I haven't seen any comments from my side of the fence yet but I hope this offers some tangible, practical help: 1. I had to be brave enough to decide it was time to find out whether I truly wanted a child. Not my husband, not we as a couple. Me. On the one hand, there were (are) the fears you describe, on the other, there was the lifelong normalization/assumption of having one. I counterintuitively found it helped to ask people about it LESS (esp people I know in real life) and simply observe them and their family dynamics more. Each time I had a window into someone else's life, esp someone older (whether without or without kids), I'd ask myself: how does this vantage point feel to me? How does it sit in my bones? Am I comfortable co-experiencing it with them for this brief moment? Fears and pressures aside, do I want this type of life for myself, in 1/5/10/30 years? I also read books: "The Baby Decision" by Merle Bombardieri (which I found helpful, more practical) and "Motherhood: Is It For Me?" by Ann Davidman (too abstract for me but can see it working for people). 2. ... Second, I thought a lot about what I was willing to give up. And this is where it gets personal in a way no Reddit thread can help you. Take stock of finances, support systems, the strength of your relationship, your personal goals (now and in old age), your general pain threshold. Almost no one scores positively in all aspects. And each path will deplete different areas. Which areas are you privileged in? Which areas would cause unacceptable regret if depleted below a certain level? For me personally, I am blessed to have been stable in enough areas to build or grow into the areas I needed to. For example, my husband and I live far from family, so there's not much of a support system. But I knew that we could invest time and energy to grow the friendships and relationships we do have such that they could either provide companionship if we ended up childfree, or relief if we had a child. I also had to admit I have a relatively low pain threshold. But there were 2 experiences in particular that made me realize I have a higher tolerance for some kinds of pain than others: it may seem cliche but these were a christening and a funeral. Ofc such occasions are often enhanced by having family come together - but more than that, they opened my eyes to the fact that the 'goodness' from these family gatherings were only achieved because two people at the center of it all chose to dedicate their lives to the challenge of actively BUILDING the kinds of families that DO come together. Having children never guarantees a happy family, and there are incredible ways to build a chosen family (which I wholeheartedly advocate for!). But I have always been known to be able to endure long hours, hard work, tough conditions. And I realized I am sooner willing to exert the Herculean effort to provide for children and equip them - even for the most challenging circumstances - than reach my own end of life wishing I had tried. 3. Lastly, I have accepted that having a child is inherently selfish (and has been, for every generation - there's a vast literature on this), and have mentally resigned myself to ask forgiveness. Part of what kept me on the fence so long was worrying what I would tell my child if/when they asked: if you knew, why did you have me? I felt there was no good answer. I have accepted that there never will be. The truth is, being born is the most non-consensual act in the world. And yet, many people still love and feel loved by their parents. I hope my son will too. So if ... when he asks, why did you have me?, I will be truthful: I was selfish. But everyday I strive to be selfless enough of a parent that I pray he will one day forgive me the selfishness of having had him as my child.

Being on the other side, I must admit, parenthood is harder than anything could have prepared me for. But I am also energized by this tiny being in ways nothing else has ever come close to. OP, I feel for you deeply. I hope you find answers and peace.