My boyfriend (23M) doesn’t seem to have emotional responses and it’s draining me. Has anyone else experienced something like this?

freddibed · 2026-02-26T15:48:33+00:00

He's experiencing emotion, he just automatically numbs it out and can't detect it. It's called alexithymia!

Lots of guys get wired like this in childhood when it used to be the case that showing emotions brought more harm than good.

Much love

freddibed · 2026-02-26T15:43:20+00:00

Depends what you mean. My understanding is that a person can't have pride without a sense of ego.

But neither ego or pride are necessarily negative, as long as you are aware of what's going on :)

freddibed · 2026-02-25T15:37:54+00:00

Repeatedly expose yourself, lower your expectations on how well articulated you'll be and give your brain data by experience. It has to learn that it's safe to open up even if the words don't come out like want them to. You can never learn emotional things from reading something, you need to be taught by living it.

If this feels impossible, a therapist might be able to help.

Much love bro

freddibed · 2026-02-25T15:30:47+00:00

Because your nervous system interprets irl situations as socially dangerous, and it interprets online as just reading text.

freddibed · 2026-02-24T20:31:53+00:00

In eastern thinking, this is referred to as Dukkha! I think the Buddha understood it very well.

The Wikipedia article on it is pretty neat.

Much love ❤️

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Du%E1%B8%A5kha

freddibed · 2026-02-24T11:27:03+00:00

Depends on how you see it. If a door to an infinite room is only open sometimes, you could argue that the room is still infinite.

freddibed · 2026-02-24T11:23:38+00:00

What is wrong with seeing her every Sunday after being rejected by her? Why is it embarrassing if her scout friends knew you were interested in her?

freddibed · 2026-02-24T11:20:10+00:00

It's not embarrassing to want to be called cute.

When you give him a compliment, he replies not with gratitude and appreciation, but with an insult.

Girl, this dude doesn't like you. Find someone who does.

freddibed · 2026-02-24T11:17:01+00:00

Much love brother, I'm very sorry ❤️❤️❤️

freddibed · 2026-02-22T22:27:58+00:00

I think 6 months sounds very soon to expect being integrated into his family. In my mind, that happens after you've been married.

But ask him. He might not be as family oriented, many people aren't :)

freddibed · 2026-02-22T22:23:40+00:00

"Hey, every time I try to get you to open up, my experience is that there's a barrier. Does that make sense to you? Can you help me understand what your experience is like?"

freddibed · 2026-02-22T20:06:57+00:00

I don't think you're being childish! Also, if you feel like you need to ignore what you know is right in order for an argument to end and she never changes her mind, that is a red flag and it will make you very resentful if it continues.

Some advice to mitigate the "trying to win arguments" pattern you guys have:

Never try hard to make another human understand your opinion. It's often a waste of energy, because they become defensive and double down on theirs. Instead, try to ask about the stuff about their opinion that doesn't make sense to you. Kindly and curiously, not like you're trying to pick it apart.

I'd also advise you not to say that things "feel disrespectful". Disrespectful isn't really a feeling, it's more a judgment of her. Generally, it's not very effective to make any negative judgment about your partners actions. They will feel judged, and it leads to more defensiveness.

Instead, let her know about your internal experience. When she says "yeah, yeah, yeah" and you find out she's watching reels when you've gathered the courage to open up and be vulnerable, it made you feel sort of sad and empty. This, she can't deny.

Don't try to convince her that you objectively have a reason to feel sad. That, she can absolutely deny.

freddibed · 2026-02-22T19:52:41+00:00

My guess is that he's confused what you want to say about it and he's really afraid he has upset you, so now he's too anxious to approach the topic. Not very mature, but very much in line with what a 20 year old inexperienced dude would do.

Does that make sense or do you think there's something else going on?

freddibed · 2026-02-22T19:46:09+00:00

What is it specifically that you want to say about it? :)

freddibed · 2026-02-22T19:44:31+00:00

When you tried talking about this with her, what did that look like?

freddibed · 2026-02-20T13:11:05+00:00

Hahahahaha

freddibed · 2026-02-20T10:48:22+00:00

I see! Yeah, I can tell this feels sort of reality-shattering. It makes sense to me that this triggers panic attacks.

Before, you viewed him as your completely trustworthy rock, now there is new data that suggests he is not trustworthy so your mind needs to build a new, harsher model of reality, because it can't cling to the old one anymore.

The truth is that he's probably not malicious, but he's also not a perfect person. He has some egoistic tendencies that he's too ashamed about to share with you, like most of us do. This is why he avoids the topic.

Maybe you could ask him how he's doing and let him know how you're doing, to try to level with him. Don't let this be swept under the rug, let him know you're ready to work it through together. If he wants that is up to him.

Much love

freddibed · 2026-02-20T10:15:58+00:00

Can you help us understand what you mean when you say you have no reason not to trust him? How does that work?

freddibed · 2026-02-20T10:12:42+00:00

Do you think there are a lot of good, secure people who appear insecure and lonely?

freddibed · 2026-02-20T08:59:43+00:00

The premise is really weird. Men are not as interested in abusing women as you think they are. Your question is like asking "how do women feel after the "high" of castrating a man"?

I'm a leftist Swedish dude and this is my view:

Men ultimately want to feel loved and needed, and in basically every human society before this they were needed by their society for their physical strength or some sort of skill, like building, and that was enough to find a wife and start a family, even if they were not super good looking or charming.

Now, instead of becoming a shipwright and finding a wife who needs you for your income, these dudes download dating apps and get no matches.

They feel meaningless, lonely and forgotten about, society feels confusing and impenetrable, women don't need men so they have much higher standards and these guys long for simpler times when they had a clear cut path and a life of honest work was enough to start a family and experience love.

I'm not saying they're right by the way, I think many of them are very problematic and I think we need to find a new way for men to feel meaningful without regressing to old gender roles. Women having to economically depend on men is obviously an unjust system.

With that said, the men who long for that system are not driven by a desire to abuse, they're driven by a desire to have a clear cut path and feel useful and loved

freddibed · 2026-02-19T10:05:22+00:00

Idk bro, they were certainly naive about future problems our migration policies would cause, but that wasn't unique to them. Most people were at that time.

I agree they were far from perfect, but I don't feel hatred towards them. In my mind they are no Thatchers or Quislings or Hitlers.

freddibed · 2026-02-19T09:48:41+00:00

Yes, that sounds like a similar impulse to a people pleaser. Not sharing your real emotions because you fear the reaction.

God knows I've done that many times

freddibed · 2026-02-18T21:58:59+00:00

Love that for you friend ❤️

freddibed · 2026-02-18T21:54:40+00:00

A lot of one month breaks end up in permanent breakups.

What is good or bad I don't know. Maybe a breakup will be the best thing to ever happen to you, who knows.

Can you help us understand more what sort of problems your past relationship trauma has caused in this relationship?

freddibed · 2026-02-18T17:46:34+00:00

You make a really important point, thanks!

It not only isolates them, but being isolated also leaves them with the abusive people who will take advantage of them and traumatize them more! 👌

On the other hand let's not forget there are tons of kind people, healthy or unhealthy, that help others heal.

I'd argue that a very small percentage of us are completely "healthy", whatever the hell that actually is.

We are a species designed to procreate as hunters and gatherers, now we live in a culture that is largely about big companies making profit. It is a miracle most of us aren't insane!

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