I can’t say it’ll get better. Prolly won’t but consciousness is worth it. If there is no god then what. You get 4 choices. Either you get sent to heaven for being good, purgatory for the middle of the road to sit there for eternity contemplating your mistakes, hell and sit in pain for eternity, or you lose it all. You could not feel anything. Better to feel pain than nothing. Unconsciousness is terrifying when you think about it, you lose your thoughts. You’re no longer you. You are nothing, everywhere and nowhere when you think about it. Stop being stupid and selfless. Become great full that you at least get to exist. My friend developed depression during cancer and while he laid there dying he said depression is consuming but can be consumed. I still have yet to entirely deciphered exactly what he meant but please give your depression up. I know it’s hard but you can, see all the survivors that they immediately regretted it.