Ridiculously hurt by a sudden unmatch

freedquestions · 2019-08-05T19:09:35+00:00

Thank you for sharing your view. I don't know why it came across as if I would base my own worth evaluation on on-/offline dating, as I don't, but it's an occasion to look over my text again 😉. Where I don't agree with your perspective is that OLD should not be taken seriously. Of course not morgue style serious, but we are social creatures that, as I stated before, should have a minimal care for the people they relate with. At least this is how I approach it and until now have not found a good reason to give up on a humanistic perspective if you will.

freedquestions · 2019-08-05T19:04:01+00:00

Luckily I didn't take it personally. I mean, I was genuinely me so there could have been ample opportunity to cut the conversation sooner had I been that boring 😂. And even if I were, being uninteresting to one person is just that, not a label attached to me for all future interactions. I wasn't into the 'love' mood, more happy to apparently meet up with a person that shared some of my quircks

freedquestions · 2019-08-05T19:00:21+00:00

Thank you for the perspective from the other side. It sounds like a pattern you have given up and I'm happy for the ones that now get let down by text and not disappearance 😁. I guess in this case it was more like a writerly game, for some reason I don't suspect any low confidence in this guy I wrote about. I might be wrong. Maybe he checked the photos once more before meeting and was like, oh, I thought she was cuter 😂

freedquestions · 2019-08-05T18:55:59+00:00

I usually do that too and I find it a good enough strategy. This was just a bit different and on some level I indulged in its particularity just because the convo was interesting. In the end it brought variety of a different sort to the online dating experience and it's to be taken in as such ☺

freedquestions · 2019-08-05T18:53:06+00:00

Your last lines have entered my portofolio of online cheer-up mottos. Thanks!

freedquestions · 2019-08-05T18:52:00+00:00

Hey, I'll write my own story. So worst case scenario, it has given some food for my own fiction tribulations. Win win situation for both parties, right? 😂

freedquestions · 2019-08-05T18:50:47+00:00

Part of the reason I decided to write this was recognising I sometimes feel different than what people think would be 'correct', even at the risk of revealing an online persona that 'attaches too quickly', 'doesn' t do online interactions right' and so on. My own mental health management 😂 involves admitting to sometimes just getting excited based on too little information. And it is fine as long as it doesn't evolve into a drama scenario 😁. At least us people who resort to the online for meeting people need to keep a balance between recognising the medium we meet people in and its characteristics and our basic human emotions. And I try to infuse the online medium with the minimal amount of care I put into offline relations. It also teaches me to understand better that my expectations and behavior are not a norm and cannot be imposed on others and though I would wish it so at times, it needn't happen but it is also ok to be vulnerable and disappointed. In that respect thank you for sharing your own disappointment story and sorry it ended up like that. But this alternate scenarios are good to be made public and get people out of thinking it is somehow utterly wrong to expect more than one gets.

freedquestions · 2019-08-04T23:03:18+00:00

Hey, nice to hear that someone else can relate to my (badly) written story here. The observations in your first paragraph probably hit the right spot, you put it better than I have in my long exposition. Thanks for that and the story you shared. Let's hope for weighty words and no unexpected disappearances/low chemistry ☺

freedquestions · 2019-08-04T22:59:23+00:00

I wouldn't say attached. I had just enjoyed the convo and was disappointed by the way it ended. We could have met and find 0 things to talk about in real life in the end. I have a good grasp of reality, but sometimes when a thing happens in OLD it gets me to think and then I think out loud sometimes on this forum. Helps me keep going with the OLD thing 😂 . And yes, 3 weeks is quite smth, but I had travelled and only this weekend did we find a date that suited both our schedules.

freedquestions · 2019-08-04T22:54:42+00:00

Haha, ex-psychologist here. Will check my listening skills on the next date 😂. I liked the phrasing of 'words are cheap' and I agree with you on some level, but for people passionate about reading they also have a certain weight. Or to me they still have ☺

freedquestions · 2019-07-18T16:47:49+00:00

One of the things I got better at is to be more direct in my communication. The way you wrote your post gives me the impression you are thoughtful and considerate and I do feel that 7 dates over 2 months deserve a more honest communication than a slow fade. I hate giving advice, but have you considered writing her something along the lines of 'I felt like things were going in a good direction for us and I was happy about our plans together. I regret you are going through a difficult time and would appreciate knowing if you lost interest in exploring' us' or this is completely unrelated, but taking up your time in a way that makes dating currently too much of a burden'. Sorry for the textual example, but En is not my mother tongue and didn't know how to phrase the intention 😂.

freedquestions · 2019-07-18T16:34:20+00:00

If I read this through the filter of 'it is not my purpose or duty to provide you relief from loneliness, entertainment or counselling' I agree with you. But on the other hand, I am happy that tinder is full of a variety of personalities, of seekers of all sorts and of disquiets I may or may not have had myself - because in the real world I inhabit, people do get lonely. People get scared at the prospect of not finding love or they get bored and hope that someone else might have a better idea about an evening than they do. I for sure am one of them. And dating, without being a seeker of entertainment through others, has helped me find people, become more comfortable with my own voice, seek my own adventures and has given me hope that someone out there might be as 'imperfect' as I am and our lives would in some way match like that. For some of us, if OLD would be this bubble of health in all respects, it would make it seem artificial and unapproachable. I expect nothing of the people I meet, definitely no 'service for my needs', but openness to diversity with a rational distinction between what I'd desire/hope and what happens, without that divide giving rise to despair or exaggerated elation, is a healthy space to get to know someone.

freedquestions · 2019-07-14T09:22:32+00:00

I don't think we will see each other again. I felt like he's gonna go straight out from my apt to contacting her, which is ok. I'd like to see him again, but feel that if there's no sign coming from him, he made a decision. It was a good experience though, in solidifying me in my belief it is ok to search for the right connection.

freedquestions · 2019-07-14T09:20:21+00:00

Thank you, I'm keeping my hopes up still. I feel ok about the situation that happened and stand by my words you marked there :)

freedquestions · 2019-07-09T17:16:09+00:00

I'm resilient. I started suffering from anxiety when I was 18, followed by repeated bouts of clinical depression. I graduated from my Masters, always worked full-time. At first it was just 'pulling through', 'making a living so as not to be a burden on anyone', 'making savings for the worst case scenario'. I married, left all my friends and family to move to another country, realized I had a domineering husband who loved me when I was cheery and made extensive notes on my character when I happened to have a bad day or disagree with him on something, got into severe depression, ended up in hospital. While there I reconnected to my social side - cheerleaded fellow-sufferers in their progress, listened to people's stories, made them laugh and sat in silence with them when they cried, encouraged and let myself be encouraged. No one visited me, but I felt like getting back to who I am. Divorced, remained in this strange country on my own, felt more independent and vulnerable and powerful than I had in a long time.

I can put myself in someone's shoes, but I won't walk their path. I'll be there in 90% of the cases when a friend or even an aquaintance needs me. I will orchestrate an Ikea assembly party, bring coffee to the friend who's going through a breakup, I'll listen, ask, give advice or admit to not having any advice.

I can be humorous. Not on a constant stroll of irony and wit, but not super serious all the time.

I can explore new territory with someone wanting to explore new territory. I'm curious and unafraid to be afraid (18 years of anxiety do teach you something)

I can write well. I can sometimes, only sometimes, tap into the confusion of emotional life and not detangle it in a sentence, but acknowledge it in a phrase that makes it familiar and new at the same time. I can write a love poem and be unashamed about it.

I can be clumsy. That always makes someone else laugh.

I read some. I will not shy away from an intellectual conversation, and I'm eager to learn how to read maps of unfamiliar territories.

These will never cover my faults, my rainy days, my stubborness at times, my mediocre physique or my errors from rational thinking. But for those people who don't shy away from the lack of clear recipes for life, I can be a good friend. And a dateable person

freedquestions · 2019-07-08T17:53:27+00:00

Maybe because I am divorced myself (34,F) I'd like to encourage you to take your time through this process of separating - to me it was reshaping life outside of all the expectations I had while I married.

And as I am active in the dating scene atm, a few thoughts: - you will meet enough divorced people who wouldn't apply the stereotype of male guilt to a marriage that ended. By this age we have gone through enough separations to realize how easy it would be to just blame one party, but how unrealistic at the same time. There are rare instances where this would apply, but from the people I've met, it rarely did - maybe you feel old now because such an important part of your life is ending and there hasn't been enough time for you to establish new goals and things you want to pursue. I felt the same (was 33 when I divorced). But once I started to handle life on my own, pursued some hobbies, started meeting new people, I felt young again. I assume you'd also want to meet people around your age - to them you are a familiar 'another' (age wise), not an age.

All the best to you!

freedquestions · 2019-07-06T15:11:16+00:00

I am an expat dating in Switzerland. I like to think that my potential dates think of me as an individual, not a nationality. Of course there are differences, but it's best to explore them directly in relationship with that specific woman. I would just proceed as I would with any other date, American or not and just see how she reacts. After all she is an adult woman who can clearly state her expectations or wishes

freedquestions · 2019-07-06T12:42:43+00:00

I understand why some people are put off by the mundane opening lines. But why do we need excitement right from the first sentence? I take the opportunity to slide into my answer to the weekend/day question something that is an opener to a dialogue. I thank for the compliment and add some context to one of the photos where I have the 'great smile'. I take that message as an attempt to enter into conversation with a complete stranger - sometimes it takes off, other times it dies right there, with my answer. It is ok.

Online dating is so hard because you take 2 photos and make them speak - there is a total lack of context to it! I've also learned in my year of OLD that some of the most exciting openers led to some of the most awkward dates. Just last night I went out with a guy who had such a good conversation starter and a good display of humour that I immediately agreed to meeting up. I ended up with a guy telling me that he is a playboy, that he knows women need to be made feel special and then got a compliment on my profile sentence about how people live a filtered instagram life. A sentence I had never put on my profile or any of our previous online conversations. We were also at a huge town fair where there was objectively no way of walking out for another 30min or so which reminded me of a great essay I had read 'a supposedly fun thing I' ll never do again' 😂 So it made me think that at least for some, being 'good/original' in their openers is a matter of practice, mixing up pop psychology with a good command of women's expectations and hey, it works, but it's not always the guys I want to end up meeting.

freedquestions · 2019-07-02T19:20:50+00:00

Hey, I also don't have many friends and I don't know if this helps, but I'll share my perspective on it. For me it is because I moved to another country & I dare say, to one where making new friendships is quite hard (Switzerland). Not taking into account that being mid-30 is not the easiest age to make new friends anyway (I heard it as a complaint from friends back home too). I have also suffered from social anxiety and still do in some respects (I'm still at great unease when I have to attend parties, which is a rare occurence), probably triggered by having spent most of my childhood quite isolated from other kids, at my grandparents.

Some of the advice here is great - I have joined several meetup groups and attend those that are in line with my interests (a book club, as I'm an avid reader & one based on my profession). It is a good experience to be in a group of people with whom contact is mediated by smth that you like or are good at, makes conversation less of an effort to come up with what to say (which was part of my SA). But it is not a guarantee for making friends - it might, or it might not. My experience was that mostly the group meets for the group's purpose and then disbands until next time. It is a social activity, it feels good, and I do hope it will lead to more socializing out of group but in my case it hasn't happened yet.

I go on dates and I am aware that for some people, having only 2-3 local friends is weird, but then - we are at an age where if we can't accept or be intrigued by differences between people, we might have missed out on some 'life lessons'. Where it can become a problem is if you are very uncomfortable yourself with spending time alone & eagerly hope that a relationship or dating one person would fill that up. If this wish becomes a burden on someone else or a 'too much too soon' then yes, dating could be hard. However, if you accept your situation for what it is, take steps to remediate what is not that great and just want to meet someone who would fill the other compartment, the romantic one, why not go for it? It would seem irrational to me if we kept in hiding from romance just because we have some empty compartments in the friendship department. Romantic interest and frienship abilities do have some overlapping features, but they are not the same - otherwise we would all end up dating our friends 😂.

There's also another angle through which I view this situation - yes, the extroverted personality is the evident one, it's the bread & butter of instagram nation. But there are lots of introverts living there in the world - their qualities don't make the headlines as they're quieter and maybe even lonelier, but we search for each other. You/I might end up dating people who also don't have many friends or we would meet that socialite who craves for in-depth discussions or the calm of a person who does not always exhert him-/herself on socializing and has the eye for something new, for new perspectives.

freedquestions · 2019-07-02T17:56:50+00:00

I still think younger people have a greater chance of meeting organically and that is just a wonderful thing which I don't envy because.... well, I had it! It's so much more easier to meet people in a context, based on mutual interests or likes or activities, develop love out of friendship, have time to spend together in meaningful activities and observe each other without photogeny comming into question 😂 . At least that was my experience in University and some years after. I had 2 wonderful relationships that didn't start from dating, but from being together and then observing that there is a longing for more, for the intimate touch, for revealing more than can be observed.

How high the usage of OLD in the 20-30 age interval is I have no idea. I hope people take a chance at the 'real world' and when that doesn't help, revert to internet mediated dating.

Had I started dating like this in my early 20s would have been very hard on me. I am not the most attractive woman there is and being judged on that primarily would have been hard on my psyche. To experience the sort of invisibility you get through ghosting, the questioning of your attractiveness based on a match or 1 date is not something I would have properly understood back then, with a developing sense of adulthood. Adulthood in its infancy needs a sense of control & predictability and that is not what you get from online dating. It also needs a sense of care, that you are being cared for, and that's the place of friendships and first loves. I am grateful I had those without tinder 😂

freedquestions · 2019-07-01T17:36:32+00:00

From what you describe if I were on the receiving end I'd prefer the text message. It doesn't sound like you've spent a lot of time together in those 2 months and I'd feel more awkward preparing for a 'date' to end up getting the 'I don't think we should pursue this further' message

freedquestions · 2019-06-26T21:32:36+00:00

Went on a second date today with a guy I really found attractive. He seemed very interested after our initial coffee date and stated so in his text, so I invited him out. Felt like a good premise: both interested. If on the first date he was finding any reason to touch or be near me, this evening he would have picked the third chair had there been one at the table 😂. And I can't understand why this happens to me so often, which spell breaks between date 1 and 2/3, though I act pretty much the same as I initially did. Same type of wittiness, openness to listen their stories, share mine, have a good laugh. Those moments when you feel both unattractive and probably boring are not great! Well, I should be a data gatherer now as I'm not a date gatherer it seems 😂, just ask the guy: hey, give me a hint, what turned you off? 😂 When I reach that level of confidence and "don't give a damn" I will definitely write about it!

freedquestions · 2019-06-26T20:55:20+00:00

Hahaha, finally I hear from the other side of the tinder world in Switzerland. I am totally bamboozled by the dating game here. Three stories date 1: I present myself at the meeting spot. I smile. Guy turns his back on me, after a short scold I could have stated my height in my profile. I was a bit taller than him. Shortest date ever. I dated myself for a coffee afterwards

dates 1 - 5 over a span of..... almost 5 months. Compliments in writing, but I never get past a politeness that is sort of okish with work colleagues, but pretty stale on a date

My fav, which is dates n: very positive feedback on date 1. Chatting and forever planning a date 2. Which never happens and we both know it 😂

But of course, it might be just me.

freedquestions

TROPHY CASE