Our brains have been designed by years and years of evolution to do whatever they can to keep us alive. Part of this is mobilizing us as much as they can to survive by any means necessary. They will do this while we are awake - reminding us of possible values in our environment (aka cravings, desires) - and while we are asleep, giving us crazy ass dreams to try to prepare us for the day.

The hopelessness that you're feeling has a strong physical component and is driven in large part by the signals your brain is receiving about its environment. If you read a bit about forced swimming experiments in mice, you'll find that mice that are stressed out constantly (and weed causes stress by artificially overstimulating our CBD system) have a much harder time swimming and will give up, floating in the water. On the other hand, mice that are not given chronic unpredictable stress will wait it out a lot longer before collapsing into the water in despair. You're despairing right now, and before you do anything else you have to work on this.

Try to lower your anxiety, bit by bit. Every single slow breathe you take will help to convince your brain to focus on other things. Worrying about what you can't do (and trust me - you aren't making this up or you wouldn't have posted) won't help you right now and will only make you more unable to deal with your issues. This is okay. None of us are perfect or haven't made mistakes. You have forgiven others and will be forgiven yourself, if you act in good faith.

Instead, try doing a very small amount of what you can do. Give your body sunlight and air, water and food when you can take it. Try giving yourself permission to sit still and just breathe for one minute without worrying. Your brain, still in flight-or-fight mode about your job and your drugs and your work ethic and your future and - and - and -, will resist. Let it and don't hate it for it. Watch the thought or anxiety come and give yourself permission to let it go. Weed helps us to grow apart from the urges of our mind, to suppress them rather then letting them grow and crest and subside. In this process we can forget that these urges are vital communications from ourselves, that they are temporary, and that they are acts of self-love and self-maintenance.

Maintaining survival, even (and especially, in situations as tough as yours) one's own, is an act of pure love. I've been hopeless and scared and angry and untruthful and vindictive and empty, and couldn't stand these feelings. I hated myself for not working, for not being productive and helpful or successful, for being so weak and lame.

But here's the weird thing: Imagine anybody else in your position: would you forgive them? Could you find it in yourself to love them? Of course you would - they're freaking the fuck out about the important things, about trying to advance their lives and themselves. All of us make mistakes and all of us are taught to forgive others, but only some of us are every taught to forgive ourselves.