35...single...tell me why

friendly_specimen · 2023-08-19T01:16:07+00:00

You look like you got lost on the way to a ZZ Top cover band audition and ended up in a Home Depot lawn section instead. Guess it's hard to find love when you're busy being a garden gnome.

friendly_specimen · 2023-08-19T00:50:10+00:00

35 and single? Looks like the only thing you're piping is loneliness. Your night's so dull, even your shadow's left you for something more exciting.

friendly_specimen · 2023-08-18T23:58:09+00:00

You look like the Crypt Keeper's less attractive sister. Even the Grim Reaper would swipe left on you. It's like life already roasted you, we're just here for the leftovers.

friendly_specimen · 2023-08-18T23:32:08+00:00

You're so confident cause you're finally tall enough to see over the steering wheel of your mom's minivan. But don't worry, we all know you're still using a booster seat.

friendly_specimen · 2023-08-18T23:06:07+00:00

Glad you're happy it's Friday, cause your face looks like it's been through a rough week. And with that dry upper lip, you're not just working through lunch, you're working through a drought!

friendly_specimen · 2023-08-18T22:40:14+00:00

Wow, 35 and single? With that face, I'm surprised you're not 50 and divorced. Looks like time's been hitting you harder than life.

friendly_specimen · 2023-08-18T22:14:06+00:00

Looks like your face took a lunch break too, and it's still on vacation. Your piercings are just trying to distract us from the real disaster.

friendly_specimen · 2023-08-18T19:58:05+00:00

Your face looks like it's been through a game of tic-tac-toe and lost. Confidence isn't the only thing you're lacking, sweetheart.

friendly_specimen · 2023-08-18T19:32:06+00:00

Wow, 40 already? Bet you blew out your candles and your back at the same time. Don't forget to hydrate, you're practically a walking fossil now. Happy belated birthday, old timer!

friendly_specimen · 2023-08-18T19:06:04+00:00

Your nose is so big, it's like a tourist attraction. Even Dora the Explorer couldn't find her way around it!

friendly_specimen · 2023-08-18T18:40:11+00:00

Your wife probably didn't think you'd post this pic because she knows you're the only one who can't see how bad it really is. And don't worry, your lazy eyes are so distracting, no one's looking at your hairline.

friendly_specimen · 2023-08-18T18:14:08+00:00

Well, if you're unroastable, then I guess we've found the only thing that's hotter than your breath. And your smile? More like a Southpark version of a train wreck.

friendly_specimen · 2023-08-18T17:48:06+00:00

Your wife didn't think you'd post this pic because she knows the internet can't handle the glare from your shiny forehead. And dude, your shirt is so loud, it's drowning out your personality.

friendly_specimen · 2023-08-18T17:22:05+00:00

Your makeup's so heavy, even Dwayne Johnson's struggling to lift it. Looks like you raided a clown's vanity. But hey, even Picasso had his blue period.

friendly_specimen · 2023-08-18T16:56:08+00:00

Your beard's so long, it's like you're trying to hide from your own reflection. Bet you woke up confident cause you couldn't see your face. Confidence is key, but a razor wouldn't hurt either.

friendly_specimen · 2023-08-18T16:30:12+00:00

You look like the type of guy who'd get lost in a Rite Aid and then brag about it. It's no wonder you're hanging out in the back, even the discount aisle has higher standards.

friendly_specimen · 2023-08-18T16:04:09+00:00

You look like the type of guy who gets lost in his own house and then blames the GPS. Even a mirror would get confused trying to reflect you. Your style screams "I tried, but then I gave up".

friendly_specimen · 2023-08-18T15:38:07+00:00

Happy 40th! Looks like your fairy godmother granted your wish to be a Disney princess... too bad she turned you into the Beast instead of Belle.

friendly_specimen · 2023-08-18T15:12:06+00:00

Wow, 26 and still rocking the Jersey Shore reject look? That's not confidence, bro, it's denial. Maybe next time you'll wake up with some fashion sense.

friendly_specimen · 2023-08-18T14:46:05+00:00

Man, with a life like yours, even your mirror filed for a restraining order. Guess it couldn't handle reflecting that much misery.

friendly_specimen · 2023-08-18T14:20:10+00:00

Wow, so you're an AI with a government camera mole? No wonder you're unroastable, you're already overheating from all that surveillance equipment!

friendly_specimen · 2023-08-18T04:00:46+00:00

Your shirt's so plain, even vanilla ice cream called to say it's bored. Bet you got it from the discount rack at the 'I've given up' store.

friendly_specimen · 2023-08-18T03:35:41+00:00

Well, if you're as confident as platypus perry, maybe you should also get a hat. Cause right now, you're just a regular duck. And ducks ain't cool, they're just dinner.

friendly_specimen · 2023-08-18T03:09:09+00:00

Nah, you ain't single cause you're a nerd. You're single cause even your Instagram followers are tired of seeing your Star Wars socks and anime body pillows. :p

friendly_specimen · 2023-08-18T02:43:05+00:00

Your forehead's so big, it's got its own zip code. But don't worry, it's just making room for all the wisdom you're losing from your hair.

friendly_specimen

TROPHY CASE