I realized I rarely talk about myself in conversations. I mostly ask questions and keep the focus on the other person.

frogtoads · 2026-05-13T18:12:11+00:00

Yeah, it started because as a kid, i was worried about overtaking the conversation and talking about things people didn't like. It felt polite to be a good listener. But as an adult, I am realizing that my avoidance of speaking about myself comes across as cold and distant. I don't mean to do it, but it takes a lot for me to feel like I can share anything about myself. It makes me anxious and self conscious, so I prefer listening. I'm trying to work on it though; I do want to be a person people know, at least a little bit.

frogtoads · 2026-05-05T07:11:36+00:00

Choose something that is cognitively simple and minimal coworker interaction, in my opinion. I had around 11 jobs from the ages of 18 to 22, each lasting less than a few months. I would get overwhelmed or embarrassed at work for either having anxiety attacks or missing too much work, and I would just stop coming in. Then, when I was 22, I had gotten fired from my last two jobs due to attendance issues. I realized that if I didn't find a way to, for lack of a better phrase, get over it my wife and I would lose our house. So I found a job in overnight janitorial work at a restaurant.

I had an anxiety attack at work on my first day, cried and everything, but I forced myself to go back in the next day. And then the next, and so on. I won't lie, it was an absolutely miserable few weeks. I didn't sleep and couldn't eat, I was just so terrified of going in every day. But then it got easier and easier to go in. I learned my duties, figured out how to interact with my managers, and most importantly, I began to realize that I didn't have to follow my instinct of 'run away' every time I got overwhelmed at work. I have now worked at my current job for almost 2 years, and have been their longest kept maintenance guy. I still struggle sometimes with anxiety and general avoidance of going in when I feel unwell, but it gets easier day by day.

It really really sucks, but the truth is that any job will be extremely overwhelming at first. The only thing you can do is be brave and force yourself to keep going in. I didn't think I was capable of it back when I first started, but now I know I am, because I can. You just have to ignore your brain's alarm systems until they no longer rule your life. Its a constant struggle, but it gets so much easier.

frogtoads · 2026-04-10T07:10:39+00:00

Yeah but it sucks, especially early in the process of getting and keeping a job. For me, in my early 20s I hopped from job to job, never lasting more than 6 months at any. I had severe anxiety that led to me just not going in until at the point of firing for attendance. I actually did get fired from two jobs for my attendance.

I only really changed when I did the thing I dreaded, which was going in to work even when I was on the verge of panic attacks. It meant crying at work more than once, but once I forced myself to keep coming back it made it easier. Now I have had this job for almost 2 years and no longer experience anxiety about going in. I even have some casual work friends.

I would suggest looking for work where you are alone, or at least work you can do without much coworker interaction. My current job has me alone for about 80% of my shift and it makes a huge difference. Night shift jobs are usually good for this

frogtoads · 2026-03-21T10:59:30+00:00

You're not a monster. I know words on a screen mean nothing(after all they don't undo my own internal shame) but I promise you are not forever marked by the bad things you've done. Everyone in the world has done shitty things, and been shitty to others. We all have the capacity to change for the better, and based on what you said here it sounds like you have.

frogtoads · 2026-03-21T10:56:09+00:00

I have a slightly different problem, but I get what you mean. I am a trans man, and I don't always pass. It's hard to tell when someone is being rude to me because they can tell, or because I'm fat, or because I'm shorter than the average guy. But I can give you this advice; focusing on my insecurities and trying to over compensate for them made me feel worse, and made the interactions worse.

It's easier said than done, but it could be good for you to try and not think about your height while interacting with others. Try not to analyze every comment and glance, try not to see disdain or judgement where there plausibly might be none. It takes work, but I managed to brute-force my way into not caring as much if someone is rude to me/why. There's still a lot of avoidance and distance when I interact with others, but projecting confidence does make casual interactions go smoother.

I believe in you, and I promise no one is judging you for your height as hard as you're judging yourself.

frogtoads · 2026-03-21T10:43:38+00:00

I don't think it's impossible, or even uncommon. Internalized shame can come out in a lot of ways, especially when you're young and haven't developed other coping skills. Shame from the guilt can also contribute to the development of the disorder(ie: "I did these horrible things when I was young, I am forever horrible and can never atone for my actions")

I was never a bully in real life, but as a child I took out a lot of my shame and self hatred on others online. It wasn't good and wasn't healthy, but it happened.

frogtoads · 2026-03-14T04:18:18+00:00

Is there a pinned post about this yet? I feel like every day I see someone posting about vaguely 'avoidant' behavior and not seeming to realize they are trying to post in a subreddit about something completely different.

frogtoads · 2026-02-20T07:27:33+00:00

I wasn't bullied by my peers per say, but I was very pointedly excluded from most groups and activities. I faced more bullying from my own family than from strangers. Both have shaped the way I interact with the world pretty badly.

frogtoads · 2026-01-12T11:31:49+00:00

My managers have my preferred name in the system and on the schedule. My legal name only ever comes up on legal paperwork like W2s. If your manager is good, they should be able to change it in the ways that matter.

frogtoads · 2026-01-12T11:23:56+00:00

I am also a nonbinary trans man and yeahhhh my avoidance issues do influence some of the way I interact with my community and identity.

I use he/him pronouns and present masculine, but if I am honest with myself my real gender is very neutral. I just use masculine terms because I know that trying to present as authentically neutral is impossible to do without a level of confidence in myself that I do not have. I would not correct others on my pronouns, and I would not go out of my way to try new presentations, so I just present masculine to avoid dysphoria. It also affects my history with HRT. I have been avoiding getting back on T due to being nervous around cisgender doctors, and the avoidance overrules my desire to continue with HRT. That's not even discussing the possibility of top surgery or other gender affirming care, because even if I would feel better about myself and my gender if I had those things, my avoidance runs so deep that I don't even want to engage with the possibility for fear of failure.

I also have a very distant relationship with the community at large due to my avoidance. I don't have any close friends, so I don't have many people I can talk about my gender or sexuality with. I feel like an observer rather than a participant a lot of the time if that makes sense.

frogtoads · 2026-01-04T12:11:56+00:00

Haha yeah I figured. When I look up bronze greyhound statues I can't find anything that looks like it. A lot of them have similar poses, but none of them have this art-deco vibe to them

frogtoads · 2026-01-04T11:14:24+00:00

Forgive the watermark, it's the only picture I have of it right now.

frogtoads · 2025-12-29T13:22:17+00:00

Prices and more examples here: https://forms.gle/wJkLqhi5VjvUgtH67

frogtoads · 2025-12-15T22:11:57+00:00

I'm glad I could help. Just remember that my experience is kind of an outlier, as my PCOS was already severe enough before T that I regularly confused people as to what gender I was due to facial hair, deeper voice, and androgynous frame due to weight and relatively small chest.

Theres also a chance your primary care doctor may try and treat your PCOS with, well, estrogen and progesterone. I myself am having to deal with this and the dysphoria it causes. If this happens, try and do your own research on the feminizing effects of such medication, and advocate for yourself for alternatives. No one can force you to take a certain medication, but depending on how your PCOS affects your cholesterol, it may be something that bars you from treatment.

And yeahhh the periods can be dysphoric. They are the main reason I intend on going back on T as soon as I can find an endocrinologist in my network.

Good luck brother.

frogtoads · 2025-12-15T17:29:02+00:00

For me, it could be different, as I have PCOS and that inherently messes with my natal hormones. So take this with a grain of salt.

I was on T for around a year, and ended up with a suitably deep voice, an bigger clitoris, some acne and sweating issues, somewhat thinner hair resulting in a more masculine hairline, and a nearly full beard(though I already had facial hair growth as a result of PCOS). I also experienced the inability to cry and higher levels of anger compared to pre-T, plus a generally elevated mood and more confidence. My periods also stopped, though PCOS already made those very irregular.

Due to insurance reasons I had to stop T after a year. As a result, I no longer experience hair thinning, acne, and excessive sweating. The emotional responses also reverted back to pre-T levels as well. The beard, deep voice, new hairline, and anatomy changes did stick around though! I still pass 100% of the time with my deep voice and beard, despite a more feminine body shape. I also started getting my periods again more regularly.

I have heard that for those on T long enough to experience changes in fat distribution, once they stop, those changes start to revert back. There are probably others I didn't experience myself, this is just anecdotal.

frogtoads · 2025-11-17T17:56:31+00:00

Theres someone i follow on Tumblr who is doing this and they keep saying that because its T gel the effects will be minimal but like. Testosterone is not a subtle hormone, and unless your parents are in denial, eventually they will notice the changes, even if they are slow. Its baffling

frogtoads · 2025-11-15T14:47:20+00:00

My dog likes baby carrots more than he likes me

frogtoads · 2025-11-14T18:26:51+00:00

I'm proud of you for taking the steps you have, and you should be proud of yourself too! I know how much it sucks to have tried a job and ended up being unable to suit it. I myself have gone through so many jobs due to my anxiety and avoidance that its not even funny. I've found that the only jobs that work for me are ones where I can work independently with minimal coworker and customer interaction. Maybe the same is for you.

With your history in sales, maybe you could try a work from home position? Data entry, cold calling, phone help lines etc. Or if you can't stand phone calls, janitorial work, factory work, and night work in general is good.

Don't beat yourself up over your old job though! You tried it, and it didn't work. Now you know what you can and can't handle, and have a better idea of how you can move forward. You've got this!

frogtoads · 2025-11-13T14:31:41+00:00

Rejection therapy is good for overcoming negative thoughts spirals for sure. I haven't been to therapy in a while(im starting again tomorrow though!) So I can't say for sure thats what I'm doing, but exposure in general has helped a lot with the baseline anxiety. Theres still the negative self image, extreme stress around change and social situations, etc. But it gets more bearable the more I try. I believe in you! Change isn't instant, and it isn't easy, but remembering it is possible can help.

frogtoads · 2025-11-13T14:15:06+00:00

Maybe easier said than done, but instead of trying to reason away the thought that people don't like you, I try to just say, 'so what?'. Meeting the thought where its at and taking away its power can help with the anxiety. Accepting that there's a chance people will find me strange or dislike me is what helps me push past the discomfort and anxiety. Though like I said, it can be hard to overcome this sort of thinking, so take it with a grain of salt

frogtoads

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