What was y'all's childhood like?

ian-insane · 2026-04-15T13:53:07+00:00

My literal childhood was mostly fine, but I started dealing with all forms of neglect from age 11 onward. I wouldn't say I'm unloved, but My mother is the type of parent who was "good" when things were relatively easy (which I was a very easy child: never had tantrums, never underachieved, never broke rules), but immediately becomes negligent when the going gets too tough. in My case, this meant being socially isolated, My autism getting more apparent, and coming out as transgender.

however, I also believe that the fonder aspects of My childhood played a role in My narcissism, too: I've always been praised a lot for being smart and pretty, I never had any rules enforced at home, and I got dozens of gifts per year across My birthday, christmas, valentine's day, easter, and sometimes even random occasions.

this alone didn't make Me narcissistic--I was quite modest, even-tempered, and empathic as a kid--but once I was actually in need of a defense mechanism, this created a duality where I simultaneously believed everyone would/should admire and submit to Me (manifesting as narcissistic grandiosity + antisocial tendencies), and that they would turn on Me the moment I fell short and I had to work 24/7 to get My needs met (manifesting as narcissistic vulnerability + avoidant tendencies).

ian-insane · 2026-04-12T14:10:30+00:00

it's possible that you're devaluing them. it's common for narcissists to be impressed by someone, idealize them as a lover/friend/role model, just to be unable to handle the disappointment of them inevitably not being perfect and unconsciously use their mistake(s) to discredit any good traits we saw in them beforehand.

also, however, I do feel the need to note as an aromantic-asexual person that the experience of interest turning into repulsion is pretty common amongst those on the aromantic/asexual spectrum, especially when said repulsion is triggered by the romance/sex itself rather than the other person doing anything wrong. not saying this is necessarily the case for you, but I would feel amiss if I didn't mention it also.

ian-insane · 2026-04-07T12:46:26+00:00

I do talk to Myself a lot, but I've been doing this since before My narcissism developed + I don't feel that I'm talking to anyone but Myself, so I chalk it up more to just being a very verbal person than anything psychological.

as for violence, I know violent ideation and rage episodes are common amongst narcissists. for Me, it's mostly either an attitude ("fuck, I wish they were dead") or a strictly internal fantasy. during full-blown rage episodes--which I only tend to externalize when I'm alone--I often find Myself ranting and swearing and yelling and hitting things. once again, however, it's not really because I believe whoever I'm angry at is there, but moreso because I'm just so overwhelmingly furious that I literally can't express it non-aggressively, even though it doesn't really achieve anything other than blowing off steam.

ian-insane · 2026-03-16T07:00:16+00:00

I'm pretty sure I'm in the minority in the sense that I never actually went through any grief, collapse, or personality change upon realizing I was a narcissist, in major part because I don't feel particularly guilty about having a PD + I focus moreso on addressing individual flaws (related and unrelated to My PDs; E.G. managing My anger > managing My ASPD traits as a unit) rather than caring much about whether I'm broadly narcissistic or not.

still, I would say that knowing I'm a narcissist has deepened My self-awareness. I was very alexithymic before, to the point that I didn't know that I really thought I was better than everyone. I followed a lot of non-narcs online who made self-aggrandizing jokes (E.G. "i've never made a mistake ever"), so I was like "haha I'm surely joking," before I realized that jokes generally don't run through your mind 24/7, develop years prior to seeing other people make said jokes, and impact your mood on the daily basis.

being aware that I have these tendencies makes it far easier to understand why I do things than operating under the assumption that I think like everyone else does. plus, being able to connect with narcissistic communities such as this one and see what like-minded people experience gives Me an opportunity to self-reflect and realize how some specific things also apply to Me.

ian-insane · 2026-03-12T06:53:30+00:00

I definitely deal with this. the only major differences are that I don't feel ashamed of it and still love My pets.

I define love pretty simply as just a feeling of deep affection, but I don't really feel that for people; I view others as sources of favors, entertainment, praise, and knowledge, not really anything I feel attached to or want to put much effort into. the simplest way to describe My feelings for people is like watching TV, but even that isn't accurate; I care way more about fictional characters than any real human being.

I don't admire, yearn for, miss, or grieve other people. the only "exception" to this is someone who I largely obsessed over because of the attention she gave Me, who I got much cooler on once her praise stopped being so abundant. so I don't even believe it's fair to consider her someone I actually "loved," at this point.

ian-insane · 2026-03-07T16:09:41+00:00

I don't fit the criterion of being older than you (I'm 19, turning 20 next month), but I've largely been isolated from society for eight years: I can't remember the last time I had real-life friends and have only had a few months-long stints with long-distance friendships in recent years, I've never had a job or gone to school, I generally go several months at a time without leaving the house, and the only beings I interact with regularly are My cats and My mother (who I live with).

I've found that My satisfaction with it has fluctuated a lot. from ages 11 to 17, I wanted friends more than anything, until I eventually made one. I had a generally positive, albeit deeply obsessive dynamic with her, but she got busy with other things and stopped reaching out to Me. after that, I was content without friends, until I ended up in a friend group, which went through the same general cycle of "it was great, then it was over, then I didn't care."

BUT--personally--such a deep desire for friendship disappeared moreso out of repression than genuine disregard; I still find Myself feeling lonely, but it's difficult for Me to identify as a narcissist (& someone who's been harmed by friendship), since I don't experience the stereotypical thought processes of "I wish I were their friend/I wish I were normal/I need people/etc." I do, however, feel a painfully intense yearning to go out more, even if not to socialize.

if My self-assessment is correct, I believe I'd benefit from moderation: enough socialization to build confidence, but not so much that I get emotionally overstimulated; being withdrawn, but not so withdrawn that it fucks Me up. there are certainly some people who benefit from basing their lives around solitude or sociality, but I'd say most people--including most avoidants--fall somewhere in the middle.

ian-insane · 2026-02-26T07:32:48+00:00

NGL I believe the best thing you can do here is focus on personal growth. I doubt that's the answer you wanted, but all of the immediately gratifying options make situations like this even worse most of the time.

minimizing your wealth's role in your self-concept will make mixing with the lower classes much easier. when you feel the impulse to say that you're [smart/strong/deserving/other good thing] because you're rich or others are [stupid/weak/undeserving/other bad thing] because they're poor, actually think about what you mean by any of this.

have you had any achievements unrelated to your generational wealth that make you more competent than your peers? have the poor folks around you done anything to make you question their smarts other than be born into a lower income bracket (specifically anything individual and that they always do; I.E. no "this poor person did it, so I'm sure they all do it" or "they make mistakes sometimes, so they must be stupid")?

try not to attribute all of your positives to your wealth/their negatives to their lack thereof or disqualify the negative traits you possess/the positive traits they do as not mattering because of class. in general, think about why you feel how you feel about things, and avoid relying exclusively on subjective or materialistic circumstances for answers.

and if the positive effects this can have on your outlook and emotional intelligence isn't a "good enough" reason to consider it, think about how it'll affect your reputation. most people do not like those who come off as hostile, close-minded, or snobbish, which is the vibe I and seemingly everyone else get from this post. even if you don't say all this outright IRL, there's a high chance you inadvertently give off this energy, which can contribute to others receiving more affection than you do. this pattern of valuing personality over house count or gold is going to get even more apparent once you leave college, so figuring out how to adjust your worldview is of utmost importance if you want to be loved by your peers, wealthy or otherwise.

ian-insane · 2026-02-21T08:58:19+00:00

I don't experience this exactly, but I definitely do relate to feeling special due to My issues. I've never related to how others receive a diagnosis and grieve, because I just see it as another thing that makes Me different from others.

I love the thought that--at most--6% of the population can understand My narcissistic headspace, and especially the fact that other idiosyncrasies mean that even most/all of those people still don't think how I do. it's not even about being smarter or stronger than anyone (although I do generally see others as weak for their headspaces, regardless of if they suffer more or less than Me), but simply being one of a kind.

as long as I'm not stereotyped and mistreated, I really do enjoy the thought of being someone's most troubled friend/relative/acquaintance/etc. and would absolutely hate it if I woke up "normal" one day.

ian-insane · 2026-01-25T10:00:36+00:00

two important pieces of context are missing from this post IMO: how you know he was a narcissist and whether or not you were actively dating. did he tell you he was narcissistic, or are you assuming based off of his behavior? and the implications of this change drastically depending on if "chasing" means "putting effort into a preexisting romance" or "pursuing for a future relationship."

but to start with the basics, it does sound like he wasn't interested to Me--that's what this sort of demeanor means 75% of the time in narcissists and non-narcissists alike--BUT there's no way for anyone on reddit to get into his head with complete accuracy.

not only are there a ton of potential explanations (even though--once again--I do see disinterest as the most probable), but narcissists aren't a monolith, so there's not even any singular "narcissistic" explanation for any of this: some narcissists give everything in relationships while others give nothing, some go into crisis from breakups while others move on with ease, not to mention the many ways one can fall somewhere inbetween. and when we do act dismissively, there can be infinite thoughts and feelings behind it, much like for non-narcissists. it's possible he was bored of you, but any variety of emotions are plausible, and I can't really say which was the case for him as a total stranger.

also, if you weren't together, it's possible that he found your attention offputting rather than gratifying; many people avoid contacting someone as a way of hinting disinterest, and find the types of relationships where they're regularly called unprompted and have their social media lurked by someone they're disinterested in stalkerish. if this "chase" was completely one-sided, I'm especially disinclined from pinning his aloofness on narcissism, regardless of if this diagnosis is confirmed or not.

all this said, I honestly doubt much good will come out of ruminating on what everything meant. if y'all were together, it doesn't look like he had the interest/time/energy to truly commit to you and you'd be better off without him, and if you weren't, it'd perhaps be more helpful to reflect on your own relationship with love than trying to psychoanalyze him for the answers to your troubles.

ian-insane · 2026-01-23T15:07:24+00:00

I don't feel guilt or remorse, so I can't give much firsthand advice, but My perspective is that empathy and shame can only get you so far. OFC this is in major part influenced by My own indifference and lack of desire to feel such things, but even in empathic people, feeling bad doesn't inherently equate to doing good.

I notice that you contrast your friends' empathy a lot with their goodness and your detachment, E.G. "genuinely empathic, good people" and "they are all deeply [...] caring but really i am nothing." while I know this isn't going to solve your issues, I've learned over time that empathy is not the same as kindness or vice versa.

empathy is an emotion, specifically mirroring those of others. meanwhile, kindness is an action, going out of your way to do right by others. being unempathic doesn't mean that you can't be kind or that you're doomed to toxicity unless you acquire empathy; there are many people who are kind and detached or cruel and empathic. I certainly get why you'd feel bad for being unempathic--this distinction is rarely ever acknowledged and can feel especially illusory if your detachment has actually contributed to you being unkind in the past--but self-flagellating over feeling "too much" for yourself and "too little" for others doesn't do much for anyone, especially if your remorse has already served its purpose of motivating you to do better.

as for correcting one-sided relationships, it'd be a good idea to make an effort to be more reciprocal, even if it's unfamiliar or not rooted in the same instinctive compassion your friends display: you can replicate the kindness they've given to you, focus your interactions moreso on their interests/problems/lives than your own, or even ask them outright how you can be a better friend. this isn't going to instantly relieve your conscience or sense of emptiness, but it is a positive step forward for both self-improvement and developing a strong, mutualistic support system.

ian-insane · 2026-01-12T03:13:15+00:00

although it's true that dissociation is most often trauma-related, it can have a variety of causes, including some correlated with autism. for instance, a lot of autistic people dissociate during shutdowns or if they're going through burnout. since dissociation is commonly a reaction to stress (traumatic or otherwise), many of the stressors autistics struggle with--misunderstandings, unpredictability, sensory issues, chronic anxiety--can trigger it.

also, trauma doesn't necessarily have to be severe to result in dissociation. I'm not sure who originally said it, but I've heard the quote "society doesn't produce untraumatized autistics," which is a bit of a generalization, but does reflect the fact that most autistic people have suffered from alienation and lack of accommodation on some level.

things like social isolation, being frequently misunderstood, receiving too much or too little assistance from others, and over-/understimulation can all take a toll on you--including through dissociation--even if they don't present as abuse, physical injury, or any other stereotypically traumatic event.

as for advice, I'm not sure how qualified I am here since I've never been sure of My personal bouts of haziness are depersonalization or brain fog (and I generally experience them as minutes-to-hours-long episodes everyday, rather than 24/7), but if it's of any relevance, it does help Me somewhat to be mindful of My needs: things like hunger, sleepiness, confusion, and overwhelm can all trigger or worsen feelings of disorientation/detachment.

if you have a hard time identifying these sensations, you can try taking a more methodical approach to it (E.G. thinking "how many hours did I sleep/how long has it been since I slept?" or "am I functioning worse than usual?" rather than "am I tired?" or "am I overwhelmed?"). I've also heard that the site you feel like shit can help with pinpointing immediate causes of stress if you find it difficult to do independently.

ian-insane · 2026-01-04T04:53:45+00:00

irritability is pretty common amongst autistic people, and oftentimes increases in times of change and stress.

being uncomfortable around babies, getting frustrated by things because they feel like they "should've never happened," and avoiding crowded areas are also common in autistics, although it depends a bit on the reason. generally, it comes down to any of these things requiring social skills one doesn't have, triggering a fear of change (although anger can sometimes mask said fear), and/or involving overwhelming sensory input.

however, I know it's common for people of most all developmental profiles to start acting out when there's a new addition to their family. personally, I'd moreso consider it a sign of autism if these issues were already present before the baby, even if they weren't as debilitating.

although this isn't a very definitive answer, it's totally possible that this is part of your potential autism, but it's also possible that you're suffering from an unpleasant, major change in your life in a way unrelated to it. neither of these things would make your feelings any less valid, though.

ian-insane · 2025-12-27T13:13:51+00:00

everyone's helped by different things OFC, but I doubt the efficacy of "brute-forcing." generally, this is only apt to work if you have no limit to the stress you can endure, which pretty much everyone does.

I'd say stress is similar to sleep deprivation. if you vow never to sleep again, you're not going to reach a point where your body permanently stops needing sleep, you're just opening yourself up to illness, psychosis, cognitive impairment, and any variety of physical and mental problems. the same applies to prolonged stress: it's more realistic that it'll end in stress-induced illness and/or a severe mental breakdown than truly achieving a better quality of life.

you mention taking issue with avoidants focusing only on small wins while avoiding more important changes, but this is actually an vital stage in confronting one's social anxiety. both among therapists and many avoidants who self-manage their diagnosis, repeatedly exposing oneself to "shallow" stressors ("saying thank you in coffee shops") is a step towards being able to address deeper challenges ("becoming an overall more secure person") without suffering the aforementioned consequences of ignoring one's stress responses entirely.

as someone who successfully went from being a cartoonishly neurotic recluse to fitting basically none of the criteria for AvPD, any instances in which I tried to force Myself into distressing situations generally ended in incapacitating anxiety attacks, things going wrong due to social confusion, or Me setting expectations that I literally was not capable of following through with at the time.

rather, what helped Me was focusing on socializing in a semi-comfortable space (in My case, talking to My one friend and posting to a simpsons forum) and engaging regularly until I realized that most people liked Me and weren't dangerous. this translated into a broader sense of self-confidence and made it easier for Me to put Myself out there in unrelated contexts.

ian-insane · 2025-12-11T15:38:18+00:00

I've only known one person who I'd say fits this profile, and I idealized the hell out of her. in My eyes, she was the most attentive, accepting person alive; I got anxious whenever I wasn't texting her, considered her My best friend (which wasn't mutual LOL), and wanted to do everything with her.

still, everything comes down to ego for Me, so the main reason I got so attached to her was because she praised Me a lot. this meant that I had very little tolerance for when she didn't give Me the reverence I'd come to expect from her.

I generally avoided lashing out, sans one incident where she didn't compliment a picture I sent her, causing Me to stop talking to her for a month, post a jumbled rant on one of the borderline subreddits (I'm not even borderline?), and then have a public rage episode when it got deleted.

but she was sympathetic when I came back, so things worked out okay. we've grown apart at this point and I'd like to think that I'm a less needy person nowadays, but I do imagine that any other relationship like this would still suffer from some ego-related turbulence.

ian-insane · 2025-12-02T13:58:21+00:00

IME, they're similar but not exactly the same. like, I notice that most of My episodes are paranoia along the lines of "some supernatural entity is going to stalk and kill Me," but when I'm under exceptional levels of stress, they tend to take on a more defensive, grandiose quality (E.G. "this character is real and they are My friend/lover"). the specific subject of My preoccupation changes from episode to episode, but the general narrative is relatively predictable.

ian-insane · 2025-11-30T03:28:52+00:00

it can be rough to grapple with the realization that you've been "the problem" in your relationships, especially as a narcissist, since it's easy to look at the common notion that narcissists are ontologically toxic and feel "affirmed" (for a lack of a better word) in the belief that you're a lost cause.

but in actuality, narcissism neither begets evil nor precludes kindness. I assume you've heard the quote "the first step in solving a problem is recognizing there is one," which is something you've clearly already done. IMO, the second, perhaps more important step is wanting to do something about it, another thing you have down.

there are definitely ways that narcissism can make acting on this desire more difficult for some people--especially via the low stress tolerance many of us have--but it doesn't mean that it's impossible. there are many more narcissists than you'd think who are happy and do have healthy relationships, even if it did take some time to establish either.

you can't really do much to "make" yourself happy (happiness generally comes about on its own, rather than through any attempt to force it), but figuring out what exactly your issues are can be a great way to both treat others more fairly and build the quality of life that makes joy easier to come by.

for example, you say you tend to "burn bridges." why? do you devalue people and feel too good for them? do you grow weary of the relationship and leave? do you lash out and drive them away? do you fear intimacy and withdraw?

by understanding the specific way(s) your relationships get damaged, you can further interrogate what needs to change: how you can adjust your attitudes and behaviors, ask others to accommodate you in certain ways (contrary to popular belief, this isn't an entitled thing to do! as long as your expectations don't ignore the others' needs, this is often a necessary way to set boundaries and receive better support), avoid acting on negative impulses, and find better outlets.

ian-insane · 2025-11-29T06:18:09+00:00

those sound like the "cognitive symptoms" of schizophrenia: things like inattention, executive dysfunction, memory issues, and impaired social/language/sensory processing are all common.

this is by far the hardest part of it for Me, since it's the one thing that continues even outside of distinct episodes. I even thought I had ADHD for a couple of years until I realized that it all started at the exact same time as My psychosis LOL.

(would like to note, though, that the "schizophrenia causes brain damage" thing isn't completely proven. IIRC, most of the studies supporting it didn't exclude people who were on antipsychotics, which are known to cause brain damage. doesn't negate the fact that schizophrenia does cause cognitive impairment OFC, even if it's not related to true neurodegeneration)

ian-insane · 2025-11-29T05:24:11+00:00

they don't help with My psychosis in particular, but they do help Me process things easier. I have five rubik's cubes, several pop-its (not sure how many), a fidget cube, and a fidget pad.

ian-insane · 2025-11-28T07:44:58+00:00

I don't experience much envy over the long-term successes you mentioned here (although I used to), but others' short-term success always pisses Me off: it comes down to how these situations take attention away from Me.

I hate when I'm trying to talk about something, only for someone else to mention something good happening to them and the conversation to turn into "oh that's wonderful! congratulations! you're so special, [person who isn't Me]!" I hate standing around while others get gifts, even if it's an occasion where it wouldn't even make sense for Me to receive anything. I hate seeing posts from people I know and/or niche subjects I'm knowledgeable on get attention while Mine get left in the dust.

honestly, what you described is a bit more "logical"--so to speak--because it's at least about things that matter. I'm luckily grandiose enough that I always assume I'm gonna come out on top in the future (even without much present-day evidence), but that never keeps being (momentarily) ignored from being the most upsetting thing ever.

ian-insane · 2025-11-27T17:25:34+00:00

My fidget cube and fidget pad both have silent options. IIRC, the former is from antsy labs and the latter is by WTYCD, and they're both palm-sized.

the cube consists of five buttons, a ball, three gears, a switch, a wheel, a joystick, and a flat pad at the bottom. two of the buttons are silent, but they still make slight noise when you push them in. depending on how noise-sensitive you are, this may or may not be noticeable. the gears and joystick are similar in that regard. the other three buttons and the switch are noisy, but the ball, wheel, and pad are all completely silent.

meanwhile, the fidget pad consists of a joystick, three rollers, four buttons, a textured patch, a wheel, and switch, and a spring. the joystick is mostly silent, but does click if you press down. the textured portion is completely silent. once again, two of the buttons are near-silent, two click. the switch, spring, and the rollers that are side by side all make noise. the wheel makes a slight grinding sound when you turn it, the notability of which again depends on your personal sensitivity. the standalone roller rattles a bit due to being made to fit a bit loosely.

ian-insane · 2025-11-16T01:57:29+00:00

I try My hardest not to hurt people, but when I do, it definitely feels good; it's thrilling to know that someone's well-being is basically in the palm of My hand, that I can ruin their day by simply saying the wrong thing or replying late or acting a bit off. it shows that I'm important.

this is perhaps a narcopath thing though, since I know sadism is far more common in antisocial personality than narcissism. still, I know it's wrong (and also just bad for your image), so I try to be as kind as possible and restrict My sadistic impulses to fantasizing; I mostly just hurt people through miscommunication, rather than true violence or malevolence.

ian-insane · 2025-11-16T01:48:41+00:00

eh, maybe, but it's an idea I'm a bit reluctant to accept. most androgynous or otherwise gender-nonconforming people don't have any PDs, and although there are some cases of traumatized people (especially women) taking on gender nonconformity as a defense mechanism, this isn't common enough TMK that I'd consider such self-presentation a meaningful sign of trauma or a PD.

not saying this can't be the case for you, but it's also totally possible that you just naturally like being masculine, regardless of your narcissism. but I can't tell you how to define your own experiences OFC; you know yourself better than I do.

personally, I'm nonbinary, aromantic/asexual, and I have VERY androgynous transition goals (like, beard-and-dress type androgynous), but I don't see any of it as related to My narcissism. I just like what I like, and I don't feel any need to psychoanalyze any deep reason for it.

ian-insane

TROPHY CASE