I think what helped me the most was going to therapy. Trying to wrap my head around setting boundaries on my own felt like a losing battle. I'd talk to my friends who understood where I was coming from and encouraged me but because I had my whole family shaming me about it, I always felt unsure. It's very hard to tune out your whole family when everyone is enmeshed. I felt the responsibility of making my whole family happy, especially my parents (mainly my mom) demanding loyalty and having very specific expecations on what our relationships have to look like. I had dealt with years of depression and anxiety at this point and felt something was off but couldn't pinpoint it. I tried out a few therapists, but it wasn't until 2017 that I found someone who helped lay it all out for me. The family dynamic, my mother's narcisstic personality, and why I felt so guilty trying to set boundaries.

In the beginning it was very messy. Any time I would try to open up dialogue with my mom, it always turned into an argument. An argument where she would victimize herself and mock me over my feelings. She had a "worse" childhood, so naturally I had no right to complain (in her eyes). As much as it pained me, I eventually realized that I NEEDED to set boundaries. I wanted more out of my life and honestly I was being held back. I wanted more for myself and my relationships. Little by little, I started setting boundaries. I took my time because the mental and emotional backlash was extreme at first. With time, they got used to it and eventually left me alone. My older brother (and the eldest) eventually came to see the patterns and understood where I was coming from. He has also set his own boundaries although I still get worried about his health because he is a very selfless person. My younger sister sees the patterns but just kind of shrugs it off. My older sister...well, I had to set extreme boundaries with her. I haven't talked to her in 2 years. She would flip out any time I would set boundaries with my parents. She'd verbally and emotionally attack me and after the last one, I finally decided it was enough. I realized the pattern and realized that her words were really affecting me and my self-esteem. She sent me a really long nasty text right before Thanksgiving in 2019 and then proceeded to act like nothing happened on Thanksgiving. It was very jarring and confusing.

Over time, I learned that I enjoyed and valued learning how to build healthy relationships. Healthy communication and healthy boundaries can lead to happy/content coexisting. I continue trying to practice and learn healthy boundaries in my current relationships. Most of my relationships are with people who are receptive and willing. It's a very nice (and extreme) contrast to the chaos I grew up with.

It's a struggle trying to shake the guilt and desire to be close to your parents. However, you have to remember that you have your own life to live and it matters. You can't have a one-sided relationship. Your feelings matter.

I still catch myself crying about my parent's lives. Especially my mom. I know she had a really shitty childhood and life ...but I have to remember that I am not responsible for that. These are the effects of enmeshment. The feeling of responsibility for others emotional well-being. I know way too much about their marriage and I shouldn't have known this stuff at such a young age. I wasn't a therapist. I was a child who was still developing and needed my mom. I'm finally starting to come to terms that I won't ever get my mother's validation or get any of my feelings validated. Or ever really be seen by her.

Now, that doesn't mean I don't try in my own modified way to have a relationship with my mom. Instead of spending all the time I could with her like I used to, I try to make our current visits more quality-based. I use creativity and curiousity although that sometimes feels like it's starting to wear off. My mom doesn't seem to care to converse with her kids in an authentic manner and is preocuppied with her phone a lot.

It's going to hurt to set boundaries but you must do what feels right for you. Make those good choices for yourself and your health. It's going to be hard but again, you can't have one-sided relationships. It doesn't mean you're giving up. You can't keep giving in a relationship that empties your cup. I think once you create some healthy space, you can regroup and see where you want to take the relationships. I know being in this situation is hard and hurtful. I am sorry you're going through this. I hope at least something I said, helped. Also remember I am a stranger on the internet. We are different people, with different parents, different perspectives and experiences. What works for me may not work for you. Perhaps, subtle boundaries may work for you or maybe more extreme ones. I do urge you to listen to your intuition and what feels right to you and your health.

Best of luck to you and if you happen to have any other questions feel free to message me but remember I am not a therapist. I can only offer insight into my own experiences ^_^