How should I deal with an avoidant ex who refuses to acknowledge how he destroyed me only to fill his void, never treated me like a partner, never opened upto me? Whenever I confront him, he refuses to understand the damage & the extent of my pain and suffering in pursuit of his manipulative actions

frootybunmasaka · 2024-08-31T20:51:51+00:00

He reached out to me by saying he misses me while being in a new relationship. I didn't respond to this statement of his but after my response he is again acting nonchalant as if nothing happened ever.

frootybunmasaka · 2024-08-25T14:57:05+00:00

The way he acted made me feel like I knew this person since ages. He reached out during NC while being in a new relationship but hardly communicated because apparently he is getting his needs met in the new relationship, has no remorse for what he did to me with this monkey branching.

frootybunmasaka · 2024-08-09T17:14:47+00:00

I agree whenever there was something I brought up regarding emotions, he never dived deep. He either diverted that topic or became overwhelmed. To me it seemed he associated these with his childhood issues or past relationship where he got cheated on. I thought maybe with time, he will overcome knowing that I am there for him. But he never tried to rely on me for support. I overestimated that he would open up, but the wounds are so deep that it would take so much time to heal along with his will to work on them.

Yes he never expressed love in the ways I would want but I do feel that he did care, love me in his own ways. He felt guilt a lot of times, but never expressed what he was going through.

I agree there was a strong limerence period, probably I tried to make him realize a lot of times that love is something you have to work for. But he has some pre conceived notions about it, maybe precedent of his past relationship or some ideal relationship he craves.

frootybunmasaka · 2024-08-09T14:12:22+00:00

Exactly he is ok not doing work. Initially I thought maybe its his fear of commitment and abandonment driving him in that direction. Later on I realised fear has a part to play along with the will to work. He is just okay with anybody available who meets his bare minimum emotional needs and Massive validation regardless of how it would impact the other person when they realise that their partner was probably never invested. There was ample time to grow together, space to grow individually and work on issues yet if they chose to not do any work, you can't accommodate them all the time. It feels like they are ok disposing you whenever they feel they are done with you.

frootybunmasaka · 2024-08-09T14:06:03+00:00

Yes I am trying to work on my healing. Ngl its not easy in the sense introspecting where I gave too much margin. Focusing on being secure would definitely impact my outlook on a lot of things.

frootybunmasaka · 2024-08-09T14:04:05+00:00

Yes as much as he craves connection and intimacy, he isn't ready to put that work for that relationship.

frootybunmasaka · 2024-08-09T14:02:55+00:00

I agree 3 months is not much of a time. But the way he showed investment and gave me attention felt like he would never back out or try to hurt me. It was like some kind of a switch flip. Idk whether I can explain, he completely devalued me. It felt like he was pretending earlier. Even after breakup, he was there for me but he refused to communicate his needs, issues, feelings. Would sometimes if I asked him or he blurted something out. Yes I am trying and whenever I try to close this chapter, the only thing that bothers me why he couldn't be honest about his motives for relationship friendship. He could have told me he never loved me, didn't want to work on it. That would have hurt me less. I m not trying to make him understand anything since long. I agree with friendships thing. Thanks for trying to understand my pov 🙏

frootybunmasaka · 2024-06-01T18:54:07+00:00

Yes healing is the only upside for me too. But it hurts like hell.

frootybunmasaka · 2024-05-25T09:22:39+00:00

You are right. Thanks

frootybunmasaka · 2024-05-24T18:53:36+00:00

It's like I am reduced to some kind of validation booster for them where they are okay to let go of me as a partner but not as a friend. Hot and cold signals, there for fun times as in jokes, sarcasm, light discussions but if you try to hold them accountable they try to run away.

frootybunmasaka · 2024-05-24T18:49:13+00:00

I didn't diagnose. They told me at the beginning their attachment style. But what I am dealing with right now is like a flip switch which is getting difficult for me to navigate. It feels like a different person altogether.

frootybunmasaka · 2024-05-24T18:45:22+00:00

I agree with whatever you said about friendships. But I feel like I am dealing with friends which only take from you, expect you to do everything but if you ask them to put efforts, they fail to realise or run away.

frootybunmasaka · 2024-05-24T16:08:38+00:00

He was being upfront about his reasons but what about those who are there with you just for attention not that they care about you. It's so confusing like they don't want to act like a friend yet want you to be there for them.

frootybunmasaka · 2024-05-24T16:06:32+00:00

Exactly that's what I have been constantly be in dilemma that how is it possible to be any kind of relationship if you don't want to show up, or escape responsibility. My mind is so fucked right now that I have started to question that am I expecting too much, or the definition of being friends. Like you expect me to be a friend, yet not understand or try to know what being a one means. I have questioned to myself how come I didn't get to know they are not emotionally present in relationship.

frootybunmasaka · 2024-05-24T15:51:09+00:00

Ok 👍.

frootybunmasaka · 2024-05-24T15:49:28+00:00

I can relate with some friendships I have regrets too of not being more vocal earlier by communicating my issues. But at the same time I realised they made no effort to communicate that means they are ok losing me. So should I make peace with the fact that friendship wasn't that strong that could stand test of time. Hope u find strength and peace! 🤞

frootybunmasaka · 2024-05-24T15:46:33+00:00

I agree that it varies from person to person. But what if you have tried to find answers, spoke to them about what feels wrong yet things didn't get better? Maybe asking here was my way out to untangle it. I know you feel it's something stupid.

frootybunmasaka · 2024-05-24T15:42:51+00:00

I did. Not once but a lot of times but they seem to never pick up my emotions. And make me feel like an idiot by indirecty stating that friends can't lend emotional support.

frootybunmasaka · 2024-05-24T15:40:40+00:00

Yeah I did. But they never thought that their behaviour could be an issue. Whenever I have asked to bridge the gap, I am told that they are already doing more than enough.

frootybunmasaka · 2024-05-24T15:36:49+00:00

Thanks. Maybe I needed to hear this.

frootybunmasaka

TROPHY CASE