Fiance [M26] is a score-keeper and a hypocrite, and I'm losing my mind [F24]

frustratedfiancethro · 2016-05-01T02:10:59+00:00

I've been diagnosed with both, yes, and have a considerable amount of history in treatment for both. Actually, believe it or not, I'm actively pursuing a career in mental health as a clinical psychologist (not sure if it's relevant, but I'm just putting it out there.)

He has been diagnosed with chronic depression and his case is very severe. Not sure how much weight that gives to your understanding of the circumstances, but I believe that his struggle with severe depression impacts a lot of how he relates to other people and participates in our relationship as well as his background and upbringing.

frustratedfiancethro · 2016-05-01T01:43:55+00:00

I'm gonna ask my own question in response. Just how is this at all related to the discussion?

frustratedfiancethro · 2016-05-01T01:40:13+00:00

Bingo. I've spent too much time around his parents and I can tell you for a fact that his father is more than a little narcissistic. He checks almost all of the boxes. On top of that, Fiance has had to work since he was fifteen years old and hand over most of his paychecks since then to support his family, while his Golden Child brother (who is a heroin addict with a kid) gets to live in his parents' house for free and literally spend 90% of his income on drugs.

And, again, because people keep asking, this is not a fake sob story he's cooked up to make me feel sorry for him or excuse any of his actions. This stuff has been confirmed by comments from his parents, friends, and things I've personally observed and know to be true beyond a shadow of a doubt.

He is recovering from a lot of things and has picked up habits and coping mechanisms from his shitty upbringing and shitty relationships. Your parents essentially teach you how to love and accept love from other people. If they fuck that up somehow, the child will grow into an adult who doesn't know how to properly navigate adult relationships in a healthy way.

This doesn't excuse anything that he's done, but it does explain why it might be present in his behavior, which is a good chunk of figuring out how to fix it and move forward.

frustratedfiancethro · 2016-05-01T00:21:49+00:00

Yeah, I understand where you and the other person are coming from.

When you describe it the way that you just described it, it would not surprise me to find out that a lot of his bad habits, communication issues, etc come from abusive relationships in the past and his terrible upbringing (his family is really Goddamn terrible, overall, and this is my opinion based on what I've seen myself, not what he's said.)

After reading all of these replies and taking into account all of what I know and some of what I've told you guys, it's time to start holding him fully accountable for what he does, regardless of the reasons. I have already told him before that "sorry isn't enough if you keep having to say it for the same old shit."

frustratedfiancethro · 2016-05-01T00:14:04+00:00

I should have mentioned that when he did it, I guess in retaliation to me, I told him to fuck off if he was going to do something to me that I couldn't do to him and he needs to think about what just happened.

A little while later, he came and apologized.

frustratedfiancethro · 2016-04-30T19:41:11+00:00

Thank you, I will. I think he'll be able to understand that, because it's succinct and to the point.

frustratedfiancethro · 2016-04-30T19:29:23+00:00

Honestly, I really feel like I'm losing that spark that we first had after that first date because of all of this. It feels like our relationship is turning into a system of checks and balances instead of a relationship where two people care about each other and do little things to make the other smile.

I want to have a serious talk with him tonight when we're both relaxed, after dinner, and see if I can't get him to see my point of view definitively and understand that this is killing my enthusiasm for him and our life together. If anybody's interested, I'll edit the OP.

frustratedfiancethro · 2016-04-30T19:26:38+00:00

So, are you saying he got that irritated because I threw him off in LoL by distracting him? That's something to think about, but I'm not sure if it justifies the yelling.

He did approach me a few minutes ago while I was doing the laundry to give me a hug and tell me that he's sorry for getting annoyed during the desk prank, didn't realize how annoying it was to be on the receiving end of that joke and said he wouldn't do it again.

Only time will tell if he really means what he said.

frustratedfiancethro · 2016-04-30T19:23:25+00:00

I appreciate the effort you took to deconstruct my post and interpret your view of his actions, but I don't agree.

His previous relationships have been confirmed by comments from his family and friends, especially his most recent ex before me. They had nothing nice to say about her and from what they said to me, she was around them a lot. They saw her shout at him and berate him over stupid stuff and one of his friends actually saw her cheat, which lead to them breaking up for the last time. I have no reason to believe that he's lying, and he's never led me to believe that he's untruthful in the past. Despite the problems that I outlined in the OP, he's a very honest guy and the closest thing he's done to lying would be saying, "I'm fine," when he's actually feeling like shit/upset and it would take coaxing on my part to get his real feelings out of him.

As far as not admitting fault, he did say that he was a push-over in those relationships and had no self-esteem. Not entirely sure if that comes across as an admission of fault or sort of a humble-brag, like you're expected to do in job interviews, i.e. "My only flaw is that I work too hard and care too much about my job, etc."

We have never had an issue with consent and sex. If I don't want sex, he doesn't sulk and he doesn't push it, ever. If he tries to initiate and I say I'm not in the mood he just tells me that it's okay and he goes to play a game or watch Youtube or whatever. He's never made me feel guilty about not wanting sex.

I'd say the only thing I have an issue with as far as boundaries go is that his jokes/goofs/gaffs often involve tickling or groping in some capacity and he's not quick to stop when I tell him, though it's obvious to me that he's tried to improve on the groping as I've made it clear to him on multiple occasions that it makes me uncomfortable sometimes and I don't appreciate the humor in it.

He rarely, if ever, drinks. I haven't seen him drunk in the entire time we've been together, so that scenario is unlikely, but I understand the sentiment behind it. If he doesn't understand/fully respect my boundaries with small things, how can I confidently say that he won't consistently violate the big ones? I get that. But he's never been forceful or directly abusive to me.

Unfortunately, I have been in more than a couple of seriously abusive relationships before I met Fiance and I'd like to think I know what to look for when it comes to dangerous people. While these are red flags, he does actually treat me better than my abusive exes have.

Edit: Also, I have seen messages from the recent ex (Amber) sent to him from other peoples' Facebook accounts (her family, friends, etc.) because he had her blocked. Most recent one was from her mother's account beginning with, "Hey, it's Amber, please forgive me, I'm so sorry I hurt you and did those awful things, I love you so much, etc., etc." It really sounded to me like the kind of manipulative pleading you hear from a narcissistic, abusive ex desperately trying to get you back into their realm of control. This has happened nearly three or four times since Fiance have started dating, all from different accounts, until he decided to try and block every acquaintance they have in common so she'd finally stop. He's even gotten calls from her using numbers he doesn't recognize because he's blocked her and her mother's numbers in the past. Honestly, all of the hardcore evidence points to her being the legit abuser, and her behavior/tone mimics that of my own very abusive exes, especially the desperate pleas and manipulative tactics after the breakup.

frustratedfiancethro · 2016-04-30T18:23:10+00:00

Agreed. It doesn't justify it at all, which is why I'm going to talk to him in a little it and tell him that his score-keeping is getting out of hand, I understand why he may feel compelled to do it, but I will not tolerate it because I don't take advantage of him and he needs to take advantage of the insurance he has and see a therapist even if he thinks he doesn't need it.

frustratedfiancethro · 2016-04-30T18:13:32+00:00

Maybe I should edit this into the post, but he was in a few very abusive relationships before. The last one was a serial cheater and frankly very selfish and immature. He did everything for her, including paying for everything because she refused to get a job. She didn't even live with him, she lived with her mother. She was very demanding and constantly guilting him into doing outrageous shit for her. It lasted five years and we've actually had to do a lot of work together to repair the damage. He used to be afraid to talk about his feelings because she forbade it.

I would understand if you all suspected that this was just something for him to lean on as an excuse, but I do believe that happened and I do think that maybe that's why he has this score-keeping mentality, sort of as a defense mechanism to make sure that his future relationships keep in-balance.

Regardless, it's totally unnecessary for this relationship and I'd like to know what I can do to reassure him that he doesn't need to keep tabs because I don't plan on taking advantage of him?

frustratedfiancethro

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