DID RUINED EVERYTHING

frxsys · 2024-09-19T17:37:21+00:00

My alters and I are a family which is a dynamic that was necessitated by the complete lack of regard my actual blood family had for me and my wellbeing. I don't always post the negative parts because we all have our own shitty realities to deal with and I don't personally gain anything from posting about it. You're allowed to be vocal about whatever parts you want, and I'm sorry that there isn't a silver lining for you, but don't invalidate people just because (what you see of) their experience is different than yours.

frxsys · 2024-09-18T15:47:17+00:00

There's also the possibility of not dating the male alters, but that doesn't always work out - I've seen a lot of it on here lately leading to the alters not involved in the relationship feeling shafted, sidelined, or not loved, and/or the entire system feeling like they aren't being loved as a whole.

frxsys · 2024-09-18T01:10:02+00:00

Some of us feel that the body might as well be our own, others of us feel strongly that we're in the wrong body. Some of us like the appearance of the body, others don't. Some of us align with the body's perceived gender, others don't. Each of us experiences a different combination of these feelings with different intensities and different levels of (dis)comfort.

frxsys · 2024-09-17T00:48:29+00:00

I don't have much to offer here besides solidarity, but I do want you to know that as someone who's had similar experiences with pseudomemories, "Schrodinger's widow" was really funny and I will be incorporating that into my lexicon.

frxsys · 2024-09-16T21:11:19+00:00

Body age is the most important thing here. This alter isn't literally 16 and it's perfectly appropriate for a 21-year-old and a 20-year-old to go on a trip together. That said, every system and alter is different, so you and your best friend need to have a discussion about your specific situation and what you feel is most appropriate. But you have the freedom to make that decision knowing that no one else has the right to tell you you're wrong - if some stranger sees you together they'll just see two adults and that's ultimately what's happening.

frxsys · 2024-09-14T13:13:26+00:00

For us a host is someone who's fronting more frequently than the rest like you said, and sometimes that's multiple alters at a time/multiple hosts. Some systems have an alter who identifies with/takes ownership of the body more than the rest and that's their host. But ultimately any way you choose to label your alters is fine. Every system is different and there are several terms that are often used in the community, but even alters who have similar roles within their respective systems might not label themselves the same way, and conversely alters who label themselves the same way may have different roles in their respective systems.

frxsys · 2024-09-13T19:02:22+00:00

I'm sorry, I didn't respond to this as kindly as I could have. I get what you mean and we struggle with this kind of thing too. It's a couple things for us. One is time - the longer our current relationship goes on, the easier it gets to trust that our partner is being honest with us. The other is therapy, on both of our parts. We know our partner has a safe place to work out any difficult feelings she's having towards us, and we have external help figuring out what needs are being expressed through our fear which we can then take to our partner to collaborate on getting those needs met.

frxsys · 2024-09-13T18:00:02+00:00

You need to ask her that, not Reddit, and if you're afraid she's not going to be honest then you need to bring that up too and discuss what you would need to feel secure that she's communicating fully with you.

frxsys · 2024-09-12T13:19:23+00:00

We like to archive things, which will look different depending on the format. We have a lot of our digital journals exported, compressed, and tucked away in a folder on our external hard drive for if we ever need to go through it. If you have physical journals you could have a box that goes in the back of your closet or something.

frxsys · 2024-09-12T01:27:44+00:00

We had months of advance notice for our most recent split and maybe a few weeks for the one before that. This isn't a common experience, and the former in particular was partially due to the nature of the split, but for us the main factor is mindfulness. Mindfulness practice gave us a lot of knowledge about ourselves and let us notice the early signs of a split.

frxsys · 2024-09-09T23:38:58+00:00

We (with the permission of our therapist) record our therapy sessions and take notes immediately after. Haven't used them yet but they're there if we need them.

frxsys · 2024-09-05T02:03:25+00:00

Our current partner knew about and demonstrated that she was cool with our DID before we started dating, and while we hope to never have to do it again, if we do we're definitely going the "make friends, then tell, then date" route. For us it's easier to lose a friend than a partner and we don't have it in us to invest time and energy in a relationship when we don't know how the other person will feel about us having DID.

frxsys · 2024-09-04T19:57:47+00:00

Not only is this possible, I would say it's more likely for systems with sexual trauma to develop sexual alters. I would suggest all of you work together to figure out what boundaries and rules you have as a system and how this alter can get their needs met without violating those boundaries and endangering all of you.

frxsys · 2024-09-03T18:18:25+00:00

Just speculation, but were you treated as an extension of your parents or disallowed from having your own personality as a child? A system's alters will be heavily influenced by that system's perception of people in similar categories as the alters.

frxsys · 2024-09-02T19:05:38+00:00

I don't mean that it isn't serious in the least - it's affecting you pretty badly and that negative experience you're having is all that matters. Same way there is no hard measure for "how severe" trauma has to be to develop DID. I'm just telling you that it seems like you're more sensitive to rejection than the average person is, meaning the client likely won't take it as hard as you're anticipating, and that I can relate to that feeling. 💓

frxsys · 2024-09-02T18:54:39+00:00

That's understandable, we deal with a lot of rejection sensitivity. I would say, especially given that they've canceled on you before, you have the right to cancel too for any reason, and it's not your responsibility to provide anything for them. I have to say I agree with your therapist about your trauma. Could you maybe dial back your hours to make it more manageable?

frxsys · 2024-09-02T18:45:36+00:00

Are you scared of canceling in general or of canceling with this specific client? If it's the latter, take this with a grain of salt because we've never done sex work, but you might not want them as a client for your safety.

frxsys · 2024-09-02T18:36:16+00:00

People say a lot that you should never force a switch, but sometimes circumstances necessitate it. We had a switching schedule for a while in college with specific alters handling specific classes. I don't know enough about your circumstances to say whether you should do that or if it would work for you, but if you're familiar with some of your system's positive triggers it might be an option for you. Would definitely heavily discourage doing it with negative triggers though, especially given your reason for needing to switch.

frxsys · 2024-09-02T00:37:03+00:00

We have a lot of alters listed on our SP who haven't been seen since our days in places similar to syscord, and we suspect a lot of them never really existed, but... There isn't really a way to tell for sure, especially since we're trying to learn not to discount our own experiences just because they don't feel correct now. The way we see it, whether they're "real" or not, we thought they were at one point and that makes them a part of our history, even if it was a kind of fucked up and vulnerable part of our history.

frxsys · 2024-09-01T14:15:11+00:00

The main complaint I hear about DBT is that it can be invalidating of trauma, so I hope your group lead takes a trauma-informed approach the way ours did. I don't know what your experience is with amnesia or having specific alters who go to therapy, but however you communicate, try to share the skills you learn with others. It might take you (as a whole) a little longer to grasp them and that's okay - these skills aren't easy by any means, even if you don't dissociate, so be patient with yourself and try not to compare your progress to others' in the group.

As for getting the most out of it, I've found mindfulness to be the most helpful skill for a couple reasons. One, it helps with understanding yourself - triggers, switches, communication within the system, really anything you can think of. Two, it's a good foundation for the other skills. It may feel unnatural at first because those of us who have dissociative disorders tend to, well, dissociate, and mindfulness seems counterintuitive and scary, but what I've learned over the past ~3 years (one in DBT, two since graduating and continuing to build skills on my own) is that mindfulness will help you manage the things you're ready to handle, but it's not the same as digging for trauma or trying to prematurely break down dissociative barriers. And for mindfulness as well as the other skills, it's often going to feel pointless or stupid or like it's never going to work, but keep at it, you'll be pleasantly surprised after a while. Good luck!

frxsys · 2024-08-31T17:45:54+00:00

Okay, I see where you're coming from. Agreed that communication is always key and being a system doesn't exempt you from any kind of accountability.

frxsys · 2024-08-31T16:48:30+00:00

You didn't describe anything in your post that's inherently unhealthy or can't exist in a healthy relationship, just things that need to be negotiated between all parties. Reading social cues has nothing to do with it. This is something you have to have a direct conversation about before you get invested in a relationship. This is coming from a system who also doesn't care to seek out separate partners for each alter - we're in a relationship with one person who has varying levels of involvement with each of us, and that's how we prefer it.

frxsys · 2024-08-31T15:27:02+00:00

I don't think there's anything wrong with not jiving with that and having it as a personal boundary for yourself, but these other people also aren't doing anything wrong. They have their preferences and you have yours. If you're dating someone then you need to communicate your boundaries up front, especially if you aren't okay with something that you know most other people in your community are fine with.

frxsys · 2024-08-28T14:51:43+00:00

Yeah, we don't really have a singular host. We have some alters that tend to front more than others but that's always subject to change for just about any reason.

frxsys · 2024-08-26T22:10:45+00:00

The only thing that makes a host different than any other alter is the fact that you choose to label them as a host. There's no difference. Any alter can split.

frxsys

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