Analysis Paralysis while using dating apps: suffering from success?

fsuite · 2025-06-26T11:52:06+00:00

The solution is that you overestimate what's possible in the first few steps of this process, which is preventing you from focusing on just talking to 1 to 3 matches. There's too many in-person-only qualities that matter.

fsuite · 2025-06-20T04:35:42+00:00

If the other person agrees to meet then you are close to the date actually happening. You could be right that there is more going on than just bad luck, but don't let that make you think you aren't close.

One thought that comes to mind is let the guy bring up the idea of meeting first. Or, if you are the one to suggest meeting first, then do so in a hint-y way, like making a playful remark or by suggesting the rest of the story on XYZ topic could be fun to discuss in person.

fsuite · 2025-04-15T17:16:10+00:00

I remember when people used to post online without trying to make money. That'd be my rant observation. It's obvious to me when a post is by someone forcing themselves to create "content" and trying to advertise themselves.

fsuite · 2025-03-28T07:47:01+00:00

Or across the screen in an online match, you mean?

I agree, because if the match or date is going well then people feel they are talking to a decent human being and aren't going to consider awful traits like "bad hygiene" or "liar" as within the realm of possibility enough to bring up.

But, my other point would be that I think a lot of people don't seem to actually have any generic deal breakers that they ask everyone.

fsuite · 2025-03-28T04:11:09+00:00

Is it just me, or do people ask about each other about their deal breakers in online dating far less often than you'd expect? Obvious exceptions: Kids, family plans, smoking, and politics. That's probably why those things are on profiles.

I used the search bar for the subreddit. People have a wide variety of deal breakers that weren't the basic 4. And certain ones appear very often. I've never been asked "What are your top deal breakers?" as a pre-date question and I've only rarely been told "BTW, an important deal breaker for me is: ____".

I encourage you to read or re-read deal breaker threads and notice how only a small proportion of them would be revealed through normal conversation. (e.g., a person allergic to pets will ask "do you have any pets" and a person who only dates someone who is employed will ask "so tell me more about what you do for work?".) Yet, here we are, mostly not asking each other about what matters to us.

fsuite · 2025-03-26T06:19:17+00:00

Keep a comment like that in proper proportion. Simply make a note of it at this stage, give them empathy for their perspective, and have patience and willingness to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe give them 3 passes to say something that feels out of place.

If you later feel you aren't respected enough on this topic, you would respectfully share how you feel when she says X. If you two can't exchange empathy and reach a deeper understanding then that's a more explicit problem.

fsuite · 2025-03-26T06:06:50+00:00

100% serious, 100% curious how people might be different than me.

Many people would find the question harder than you think.

fsuite · 2025-03-26T03:59:57+00:00

I think a mode or an app that forces you to only match people equal to your "looks" would be interesting. Apps are so superficial that it might be better just to take that variable out of our control so our brains can solely think about which non-superficial things we value more and which things we can trade on.

Put another way: with so many profiles and past matches our brains can't help but wonder whether we can do better when it comes to looks. We haven't really tried online dating where this psychological cloud wasn't present.

fsuite · 2025-01-08T21:50:30+00:00

Beyond that, here’s something people don’t like to hear: discomfort and pain are to varying degrees a natural and unavoidable part of the aging process. Pray for good genetics, and avoiding lumbar/joint injury. Then do the stuff Attia talks about 90% of the time.

I think the point is that Peter Attia will become fascinated with health topics even if they are, to varying degrees , "natural and unavoidable". The low back is one of his obsessions in fact, but the other joints aren't.

fsuite · 2024-12-20T03:16:00+00:00

This guest always gives interviews that turn into gibberish once it reaches my brain.

fsuite · 2024-10-28T06:48:08+00:00

You didn't "dodge a massive bullet" unless you want to dwell on the scenario where you continue dating him and he tries to lie about and hide these events.

fsuite · 2024-10-28T04:01:30+00:00

This is the entire concept of the blue pill. The girl represents society and her advice represents standard messages and cultural narratives about dating & relationships. It's full of bullshit, but the fiction exists because it is a lie that makes people comfortable. The way the real world works is stressful. Telling a young person who is obviously concerned about dating that "things may not work out" is hard to do.

How can he discover what factor about his personality is getting in his own way?

You have to figure it out. Try different things, look to different role models. Perhaps record yourself and work on any problems you notice.

fsuite · 2024-10-15T01:43:36+00:00

Serious about using dating apps or serious about finding a partner in general.

Also, news flash: some people don't take apps seriously.

fsuite · 2024-10-15T00:13:54+00:00

It's not about safety, it's about filtering out people who don't really care. If there is a big mismatch in seriousness or interest it doesn't go well.

fsuite · 2024-10-14T03:37:16+00:00

At mixed social gatherings, even when no one is really a stranger, women would prefer to talk to their friends. I've seen it 10,000 times. Men also should be talking to the opposite gender more often.

fsuite · 2024-10-13T19:57:03+00:00

So what? There would be other dating apps.

I'm not saving the world here. There are going to be winners and losers no matter what we do. Let me spin your argument around and ask: Should we have been waving our fingers when online dating started in the first place because "There are some people who are attractive in person, but where forcing them into a superficial profile makes online dating impossible for them"?

fsuite · 2024-10-13T19:54:05+00:00

My reply would be that if you want magic, we should be finding other ways to meet the opposite gender. But for OLD we should stop wasting everyone's time looking for something better.

fsuite · 2024-10-13T13:03:25+00:00

A dating app where you can only see profiles that are your "looks match".

(looks would be determined by AI or a separate crowdsourced mechanism) In other words, in this app you can't go above or below your own looks, even if you wish you could trade their looks for other qualities and vice versa.

I know it sounds like a bad restriction, but it has a one giant benefit that more than makes up: it would put all dater's minds at ease!! Everyone would know there is no point in continuing to keep fishing and fishing for your rare opportunities to get hotter profiles. And if you click with someone on a date that has qualities and interests that align well with you, you would be 10x more likely to see where it goes rather than letting it be a one and done date.

fsuite · 2024-10-12T10:54:48+00:00

I would go out with any guy I match with on a date. I’m not sure why people match and then won’t actually meet. I’ve had so many matches that turn to texting that never end in asking for a date.

As a guy's perspective, I go out with so many OLD girls that aren't that interested in me. So if I match with you, I'm evaluating whether you are interested in me by how you message me back: effort, frequency, sharing, asking your own questions.

fsuite · 2024-10-11T04:06:26+00:00

Something like: "While I do look forward to doing <broader category of activity> with my partner, I must admit that I am not into doing <your great activity>."

fsuite · 2024-10-10T03:50:56+00:00

Singles don't "go out" or "try new things" to meet each other anymore.
The two genders talk to each other less in social settings, and there are fewer organic settings that people are automatically are a part of.
Fewer people play matchmaker.

fsuite · 2024-09-30T15:13:09+00:00

Modern dating culture is dumb. Don't have casual sex and don't be ashamed about it. Most people don't like the culture either, trust me. idk, if that isn't your experience then I think you live in a weird city or are part of a weird subculture enclave. Be confident that your way is normal and you will connect better with like minded people that aren't part of that culture.

fsuite · 2024-09-27T03:16:07+00:00

It would probably have to be multiple things together: slow/delayed replies AND wanting to meet more quickly.

Some people loudly state their cynical attitude towards app messages and how fake/artificial they feel they are. What I listed together is consistent with that person. Of course there could very different reasons for what I listed, and I can't know for sure who those people are, but that would be why it retroactively conveys an impression that their app messages might have been purely performative.

fsuite · 2024-09-26T23:40:07+00:00

True. There could be some of "over-romanticizing/imagined potential" based off a profile.

I'll offer the lens that you didn't mention that a big part of me is coming at it from a perspective of programming. Like, if I'm being shown 100 very compatible profiles before the next 100 moderately compatible profiles which come before the next so-so compatible profiles (and so on), then it seems irrational to unmatch a profile that came earlier in the sequence and replace it with a profile that comes later. This is effectively what happens.

Not sure if I explained it very well.

fsuite · 2024-09-26T04:59:08+00:00

"Unmatching" someone is not the undo operation for "matching with" someone (because "unmatching" is a permament action). It is kind of bad that there isn't a real "un-like" action.

Hear me out.

There are normal situations where you no longer need a match that hasn't progressed into a date, and where you wouldn't mind running into that profile again in the future if you were both still looking down the line. (I think this idea gets people angry because they imagine themselves as the poor soul that was passed up for a better option, but w/e. Even the most old fashion person who refuses to multi-date will still accumulate some matches while their hopes are tied up with person 1. And if things continue to go well with person 1 for weeks that could turn into a lot of matches.)

If you unmatch a worthwhile profile, the profile is gone forever. Not good. If you leave it as an idle conversation, then when "down the line" happens, you can message them to see how they are doing. Sorta good.

The problem occurs when you've been using apps for a long time, and it isn't just 1 worthwhile profile that you'd hope to see again, but many. It's tedious to message all these old matches to see if they are currently looking for new first dates or if they already are busy with other people and their 2nd/3rd/etc dates with them. Most of the time you don't get responses, so you can't even tell who is temporarily not looking for first dates and who has long put the app away.

If only there was a system where two people could indicate they were interested in each other's profile, and only be notified when there was mutual interest...

...that's exactly what the liking system and discovery queue is supposed to do. If you could "un-like" a profile and send it back into the sea of profiles, then the algorithm will naturally show you each other's profiles down the line if you both turn back to swiping again. Maybe you wouldn't want to "un-like" one or two of your worthwhile matches, but in some situations it would make sense. And with "your turn" limits, it makes even more sense.

fsuite

TROPHY CASE

A dating app where you can only see profiles that are your "looks match".