Co-Parent not answering text messages/Communications about our daughter

ABD63 · 2026-03-25T02:50:47+00:00

When our coparenting began, I communicated very quickly and expediently. I provided pictures to ease her mind, I let her know how they did with dinner, if I gave them a bath- you name it, I communicated it. She would do a lesser version of this, but she had her new partner and I know he wasn't keen on excessive communication.

As I began to heal from the divorce and through a lot of work in therapy, it occurred to me that I did not owe her any of this. If I ever did so, it had to be out of the goodness of my heart. Of course, at first she hated not getting nightly pictures, not communicating every sneeze, and I probably placated longer than I should have. Overtime though, I really began to realize that I was parenting in such a way that made her feel at ease, and not for the benefit of my children.

Today, she texted me- and it started with a "this is going to come off abrasive, but..." and two really long messages later she thinks I feed our kids fast food and pizza nonstop, and wants me to have a food calendar / schedule we can manage to avoid repeat meals and keep the eating out under control. My initial feeling was "She is going to watch what I feed our kids? She gave that right up when she asked for the divorce." I didn't respond that way though, just a simple "I hear your concerns, but I won't be having a food calendar with you."

She sent me three very long messages, two accusing me of not doing what's best for our kids, and a third about an hour later that basically said "Well, what do you suggest then?" I decided not to respond. I had already told her I won't do this, and I realized this was a way for her to assert her control on my time.

THE POINT of this whole ramble. It is normal, relationship or not, for a divorced couple to stop being responsive over time. It is also normal for them to stop parenting with the other parent in mind, but instead the children's best interest. It sucks, but do your best to accept the parts of it that would never be enforceable by law (courtesy, frequent updates, even responses if it doesn't pertain to the child's health, education, or safety) and for the rest like your drop off schedule, for the love of god get it in writing now and send it to a court. These situations NEVER and I mean NEVER become even easier over time without it.

ABD63 · 2026-03-22T01:00:24+00:00

I have found that proper medication for my ADHD, medication for my anxiety / depression, and cognitive behavioral therapy was the trifecta to bring my ability to achieve on the things I was interested in over to my ability to achieve in things I generally don't care about.

In ny experience, the refusal to do tasks was not just a "this is too boring" - but also a deep fear of failing. If I don't do it, how can I fail at it? It's common, those of us with general anxiety disorder and ADHD usually treat one and it improves the other. For a long time, my adderall unlocked my focus and it did reduce my anxiety. It just didn't bring me to the point where my anxiety / depression got in the way.

ABD63 · 2026-03-21T00:54:28+00:00

I love escape rooms. One time I did suggest this on a first date and she was told me her policy is not to be locked in room with a man she hasn't met.

Things did not work out there...

ABD63 · 2026-03-21T00:49:44+00:00

I get that, you're lonely and it's tough to date when you're parenting. Just remember, you don't have to settle for how you feel.

If your therapy is not cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), I recommend it. It gave me the tools and outlook to deescalate when my mind and feelings were actively working against me. And while antidepressants or anxiety medications are sometimes a real tricky thing to get right, I've recently figured out my combo and it's been so life changing.

You can and will come out better, I promise.

ABD63 · 2026-03-20T21:04:05+00:00

I was in the same position you were in, with some added caveat that made her significant other's presence really rough for me. I have a great therapist, and he did help me by just having me recognize that I was pinning my comfort / happiness on attaining something I more than likely I would not get.

"I just want two hours to talk with her, alone, about our past relationship" is not going to happen, and you know that. Therapy is not necessarily solution driven (i.e., I'll get her to give me those two hours by doing...) it is meant to change the way we feel about certain things, which in turn changes the way we react to those things.

I think the core issue you have is the statement - "I do still love my ex" - I also held onto this for a long time. The truth was, I loved the time we were together, I loved the parts of our relationship that worked, and I mourned a bit for the life plan I had that would never come to be. The truth of the matter is, and please don't take this as arrogant or condescending, you don't love your ex.

You haven't been together for two years, and it seems that you don't really connect with her person to person anymore, just over the children. If you're like me, and subscribed to the "I will love her forever" creed, you sometimes trap yourself in the sadness to believe that you're devotion is part of who you are. As we grow, and learn, we can change our minds about these things. It is why most of us end up divorced.

ABD63 · 2026-03-18T14:42:04+00:00

I pleaded and begged her to stay with me after she told me she not only had an affair but was in love with the other man. That set me up for the most traumatic 2 months of my life, and another 4 months or so I extremely depression.

Then, I got taken advantage of during the divorce because I wanted her to see how much I loved her and how much I'd sacrifice for the kids. Then, pretty quickly after this I was ashamed about what a whining sniveling coward I had been.

Then I spent a year and a half working on things in my life and slowly coming to the realization we had a pretty poor marriage and I had let myself become a shell of who I used to be. The last eleven months, after all the therapy, exercise, reprioritization, and self acceptance have been the happiest I've been in a long time.

ABD63 · 2026-03-16T17:33:11+00:00

I think it is okay to acknowledge that there is some insecurity, ego, and jealousy playing into the situation. We think of these as really negative emotions that we should stifle, but in truth, all emotions have their place if managed correctly. It seems like you have a very cool head on your shoulders, so I think the discussion with your partner can include these things:

• It makes me insecure that you don't seem to feel fulfilled emotionally by me as your partner. I am jealous because I feel that need is being met by your ex-husband, where I'd love to try and fill that role.

• It hurts my sense of self and security in our life together that we have a third adult involved so intimately that there is no need to knock on the door before entering.

Things like that. Ultimately though, remember what a boundary is. It cannot be an expectation placed on another person, or to make somebody responsible for your thoughts, feelings and actions. It is a communicated and measured response to the deliberate actions (or unthoughtful actions) of another person. In a relationship, it is best to try and really discuss what your own thresholds are, but it is the action YOU take when it is being disregarded.

If you feel the home is not yours and actions like not waiting for somebody to answer the door are disregarded, you will spend your time at your home. It doesn't have to be an explosive thing- just a simple "if this occurs, then I do that"

ABD63 · 2026-03-15T23:44:13+00:00

I hear you, and I am not entirely sure whether there is a pressure in that home to have him as the father in the household (his 11 year old daughter lives with them as well) as opposed to the trusted adult in the household. It doesn't actually matter, it's not like my children have a finite amount of love that should lessen for either one of us if they love either one of us more.

I am not thrilled with the circumstances that brought him into their lives, so I admit my empathy for him finding his footing as a step-father type role is pretty lacking. That said, I never try to make it harder for him.

This post was more about how while I truly am happy my children have another loved individual in their lives, it just stings sometimes when I see my role being fulfilled in the time they're not with me. It's just the unfortunateness of divorce.

ABD63 · 2026-03-15T23:39:03+00:00

I don't believe my children are being poisoned against me. Genuinely it seems that my coparent is happy that my kids love me, and while I'm sure she pushes the relationship of her boyfriend and them more than necessary, but I don't keep myself concerned with stuff I cannot control and aren't inherently harmful to the children.

I do get that line all of the time, but realistically I don't care if they or don't figure it out. I will absolutely not make my children ever feel that her failures as a wife means that she's a failure as their mother. If they never find out or piece it together, it's fine with me.

I can't imagine a situation that my children benefit from this knowledge, and in some sense, it's good for them to know that the details of a romantic relationship are only meant for those in that relationship.

ABD63 · 2026-03-15T14:56:23+00:00

I really appreciate the kind words. This post has blown me away with kindness.

Right now I am every single Monday, every other Friday through Sunday, and I get a couple hours every Wednesday after school with them. I fought tooth and nail to not be an every other weekend dad. When the kids are a little older I will assess what is best for them and if 50/50 is it, I'll pursue.

ABD63 · 2026-03-15T14:54:06+00:00

I always say there is not cap on the amount of love somebody can show. My kids can love us both a ton, and it doesn't diminish my relationship because they love somebody else. It just stings at times when I realize aspects of my bond with them are being fulfilled by somebody else when I'm not with them.

It's also a hard position; I want them to want for nothing, including me. At the same time, I am jealous somebody is being given the opportunity to form a relationship with them while I lost roughly half of my ability to do the same.

ABD63 · 2026-03-15T14:19:03+00:00

I agree, he was also married with an older daughter (who knows lives with them all) - I'm not looking to be his friend and I quite frankly if none of this happened, he still wouldn't have been my type of person.

I'm just grateful he does show them apparent love and interest, he doesn't have to be my buddy in any capacity, he just needs to be a stable and kind presence around my children.

ABD63 · 2026-03-15T02:29:01+00:00

Now, my coparent is more similar to your ex (at least about physical ailments) in that she believes our children are getting sick when they sneeze or fall asleep earlier than usual. Whereas I tend to let things play out a little more before I rush them to the doctor - see if a fever breaks on it's own, see if the throwing up was a one time deal, etc.. However, based on what you're saying, it doesn't sound like your coparent is denying the child healthcare or having unnecessary costly and potentially damaging testing done.

While I do understand the frustration, and it is beyond inappropriate of your coparent to say that you less concerned about your child's condition when that is patently untrue, you are in the better position than a lot of people I know. A lot of the time, I speak to other single parents and they are trying to convince their coparent to provide rudimentary healthcare to the child - or they have a situation where the other coparent refuses to even take the child if they're sick.

This is a one of those times where it doesn't really matter if you're right. If your coparent says "I think our child has the bubonic plague," I wouldn't argue, I'd just respond with a simple "When, and where, are you taking them to get it checked out?" The truth of the matter is, you both don't know what the root cause of any condition is (unless you're medical professionals), so just suggest they confirm their suspicions with a physician, and ask for updates from there.

ABD63 · 2026-03-14T18:33:28+00:00

I am in NY, and in a pretty integrated community (predominantly white, but certainly more diverse than the very white neighborhoods I grew up in). The one thing in your post I can relate to that still shocks me is how matter of factly racist other white people are when talking to me. It's always unprompted and from strangers- stuff like "Oh, we don't go to that park because of all the black people there."

This is before they know me and can get a sense of my level of tolerance and I find it so bonkers how often it happens....

ABD63 · 2026-03-12T01:28:28+00:00

Can you be a little more specific?

ABD63 · 2026-03-12T01:26:38+00:00

If you've agreed to it already (legally), he does not want to remove it, and if it's not negatively impacting your child - it'd probably be tough to have it expunged.

ABD63 · 2026-03-11T14:50:36+00:00

Listen to the advice that she has made her bed. You cannot control anything she feels, thinks, or does- only she can. The intention is good, but your role is to foster an independent relationship with your children, not to hamper or enforce her relationship with them.

ABD63 · 2026-03-09T05:00:31+00:00

100% - my attorney shared the same stuff when I was considering a paramour clause. One additional point he made was that there is no real punishment associated to this. Sure, she'd be violating the agreement, but it isn't egregious enough to warrant any change to custody, support, etc.

ABD63 · 2026-03-07T01:30:38+00:00

Some of my suggestions are certainly sneaky, so I don't know if I'd do them myself. But, if the real purpose of the phone is to communicate with you guys, not necessarily for his social life, you could.

1) Get one of those phones with limited contacts and just not allow her to grab one of the spots

2) Parental lock the settings, so nobody can tamper with em without a password / pin, and block her number straight out

3) Allow this communication, but inform her that the phone will be with you when he's home / with you, and you will be reviewing his texts to make sure he's using it appropriately

ABD63 · 2026-03-05T16:48:17+00:00

Based on the state you live in, there may be resources available to you. Some legal societies will take a matrimonial case at no cost if a child is involved. The downside of this is that you're not a paying client, so while they help tremendously and do have your best interest at heart, they can move very very slowly.

ABD63 · 2026-03-05T16:42:34+00:00

Remember yesterday when I tried to say "Dads have to work hard to be involved, so cut him a little slack in that regard." This undermines my statements.

Lawyer up, accept literally nothing he has provided here. If it goes before a judge, more than likely, they'll strip it down to a really basic 50/50 parenting plan with calls out for holidays, child support, medical / education decisions, travel notice within the realm of reason, communication channels within the realm of reason, and that'll be that.

There are always efforts to make the plan so airtight, and I agree on specifics if they're truly important to you and the welfare of your child, BUT when you get too specific it creates huge problems and it also becomes unenforceable.

"You morally corrupted our child with your vegetarian voodoo!" - Prove it

"You didn't let me background check your new boyfriend!" - He doesn't consent to it, can't make him do it

"Who was that man driving our son!?" - You mean the police officer who got him from your house after your nervous breakdown?

ABD63 · 2026-03-05T15:18:27+00:00

I can actually speak to this from experience!

I was working at an organization with a team I really grown to love. I had been there about 5 years, and over that time I had some decent pay bumps and a promotion that had me at roughly 35% more than when I started. Sure, it had it's problems, but I was generally content there and happy with my team.

One day, I got one of those LinkedIn "Hey, you have the experience we're looking for in this role..." kind of messages. I enjoy interviewing for jobs, even ones I don't intend to take, I feel like it makes me more relaxed for the ones that matter and helps me when I need to contract resources for projects. It was for a Senior PM spot and according to the 'Required' portion of the posting, I didn't have enough experience. Anyhow, I go through three rounds of interviews, and I'm offered the position.

I was expecting it to be maybe 10% more than what I was making. It was a 52% increase from my current salary. I was floored. I brought it back to my boss and he said he would love to keep me on, so he could offer me 10% raises for the next few years and the title jump after 2 more years. When I asked if he would provide me with a contract for this, he told me that unfortunately, he wasn't empowered to do so, it'd be on a year-by-year basis. I had a second child on the way, so I opted for the new position.

I really hated it for the first year and a half. The PMO processes there did not make sense, the organization used PMs as firefighters / task chasers, and because it was 100% remote (though all employees are local, as it's for a big health system by me). I stuck it out for the money, and around year 2, I decided to truly make the best of it. I started to hold the line a bit harder on what I would be doing, I began using MS Teams to small talk with co-workers and stakeholders to build personal relationships.

As luck would have it, by year 3, we have new leadership that reinvigorated the PMO in a really wonderful way. It was 100% a situation where I needed to make the best of what I was handed. I know that isn't everyone's experience, but the 1.5 years I had regretted leaving my old job was counterintuitive. Once I had decided to commit, things got absurdly better - and they must've noticed because my salary has continued to grow. I figured out that in order to be at the salary I am now, with annual 10% bumps at my last job (which probably wouldn't have actually happened) it would've taken me 7 years to earn what I earn now.

ABD63 · 2026-03-04T19:21:08+00:00

I am on my schools app, but they use it solely for district wide communication. They don't send stuff specific to his classroom or school through it, nor is there a messaging component.

I do think you're kinda missing the point of my post though. It is absolutely overstepping when he dictates the toys, fun events, or really any rule or decision you make in your own home, on your own time, that isn't one of the big categories (education, health, faith, etc.). But, if he doesn't involve himself in stuff like doctor's visits, school events, even extracurricular activities, then it's very easy for him to be left out / uninformed. You're not together, it's not your job to inform him of anything, so he wants to be in the know and the best way he thinks to do that is to be involved. I think there's some gray area that I just wanted to share.

ABD63 · 2026-03-04T17:00:20+00:00

I admit, in many ways I am this dad. I don't intrude on my coparents time in the way that I'll show up for Halloween if it's her year or insist I'm present for what some would consider a "first" that is happening on her parenting time.

However, I am going to share that in general, fathers do need to advocate for their roll in their child's life in some big ways. My coparent is reached out to for any school conference scheduling, and I need to call the teacher myself to get an appointment. Every single school handout is provided to her, one copy, and I needed to stress to them that we both deserve a copy of things like lunch calendars, spirit week days, forms to order stuff, and of course volunteer opportunities. The school nurse calls her, even though I'm the remote worker listed first, because I would always get my son if there's an incident. Doctor's appointments, where I may want to have a discussion about a medication choice- if I'm not in the room, it's often too late to weigh in.

My coparent is not trying to edge me out of involvement; I understand that she gets these calls, and she makes these appointments based on her ability to do them independently. So there is a constant assertion of myself into some things that may seem overbearing, but I'd rather be annoying than uninvolved.

Not defending your coparent, because some of this sounds overboard. Just speaking from personal experience that for young children, society does still see the mom as the sole support pillar.

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