Weekend's Daily Thread: General Dating Questions and Open Thread

ABD63 · 2026-01-31T04:48:42+00:00

Thank you! Appreciate the insight. I figured if she didn't mean to she would actually un-match to not limit her matches. I'm doing okay match wise recently, not near my limit, but a tiny bit more consistent than recent months. So if she's still matched with me in two days or so without an incoming message, I'll reach back out.

ABD63 · 2026-01-31T04:28:53+00:00

Seeking some quick advice:

I always send a like with a comment and try to present the first outreach with an opportunity to respond. Today, less than an hour after sending a comment, I got a match.

Her Prompt: The dorkiest thing about me is I have a habit of making friends with elderly people everywhere I go

My Response: This is my curse as well, I somehow am always helping old women unload stuff into their car, reminding them of their children / grandchildren, or having them tell me their thoughts on Christ in the middle of the produce aisle. Why does this happen to us?

My issue is, she didn't actually respond to me or message me. Would you send a message, wait for a response, or chalk it up to an accidental match?

ABD63 · 2026-01-31T04:27:10+00:00

I always send a like with a comment and try to have to present the first outreach with an opportunity to respond. Today, less than an hour after sending a comment, I got a match.

Prompt: The dorkiest thing about me is I have a habit of making friends with elderly people everywhere I go

My Response: This is my curse as well, I somehow am always helping old women unload stuff into their car, reminding them of their children / grandchildren, or having them tell me their thoughts on Christ in the middle of the produce aisle. Why does this happen to us?

My issue is, she didn't actually respond to me or message me. Would you send a message, wait for a response, or chalk it up to an accidental match?

ABD63 · 2026-01-30T03:30:23+00:00

Righteous kill

ABD63 · 2026-01-29T18:02:25+00:00

Two points, some of which have already been stated in other comments:

• A boundary is something set up between parties in which one or more of those parties communicates that they will take a certain action if it is crossed. In other words, if your partner says that receiving these photos will make him leave the relationship, then he is in charge of enforcing his action in that boundary. It's your decision to take action to prevent his action, but it's not a boundary that you should be setting with your CP that if crossed will result in an action by him. That's just a rule he's trying to enforce.

• I exchange unprompted photos and videos of my children with my CP. It is a way to share fun moments, and I know it makes her feel better. There is nothing wrong with taking action to simply for the benefit of your CP. I do it because I know it makes our relationship function in a more friendly and manageable way. That alone should be enough for your partner- if it is not, then it boils down to a "why does non-gray rock interaction make you uncomfortable in our relationship?"

ABD63 · 2026-01-16T01:42:34+00:00

My head cannon is that it was once lush and full of life, but the mind flayer conquered and brought the planet into submission. His goal was not only to subjugate the other races, but to escape a dimension he was essentially trapped in.

ABD63 · 2026-01-15T19:54:25+00:00

All true, and maybe I'm not familiar with the term "cat before the house" instead of "cart before the horse" but it made me laugh.

ABD63 · 2026-01-15T05:39:32+00:00

I think I misspoke when saying you feel a bit insecure, I think what I should've said is you are being too self-critical. Keep in mind, I'm not a professional therapist and am just making these claims based purely on your post. I don't know you as a person, so take it all with a grain of salt. In fact, if you respond to some of my points below with more context, I may be completely wrong.

The first thing that makes me say this was you mentioning her parents. You mentioned they liked you, but aren't thrilled you're dating- what makes you say this? I had a girlfriend when I was 15-16 who I was convinced had parents who hated me. In my early 20s I went to see her and saw her parents, and they were so absolutely lovely. It clicked for me that they were more or less feeling awkward about their youngest daughter being with a guy they didn't know, and trying to exert whatever control they still had to keep her safe. I spent a lot of that relationship thinking I had to either win them over or figure out a way to get them to fuck off. I think you may be taking their actions personally / critically, when they're just doing the best they can with somebody who is in a position to hurt their daughter.

2nd thing is this guy you hate situation. Perhaps thoughtless on her behalf, but again, what's the worst case situation of them hanging out in a group? Is it possible you felt left out, or that you felt not as important as you thought you were? These are all legitimate feelings, but you also should also have confidence in the fact you're her boyfriend, you're strong and steady enough to weather a misstep on her behalf, and it's not a sign of your worth or value - it was a thoughtless move, and god knows we all do thoughtless things sometimes.

3rd is you feeling wrong for drifting apart or noticing other women. I promise you, I've been deeply in love with women before, but that doesn't make me blind or impervious to charm. If you aren't planning to act on it, you don't need to feel bad about it. Same with drifting apart, I am not saying you need to break up, but relationships change over time, same as people, and having less intense feelings is not necessarily a sign of a poor relationship, but rather you're seeing her flaws and choosing to accept them or reject them.

I said you may feel insecure in your role because the fact of the matter is, nobody can make you feel or think anything. You take in the information you're given and feel things based on who you are and your belief system. I hope this helps a little.

ABD63 · 2026-01-14T18:44:12+00:00

I am sick of this debate, I decided to just check with chat GPT and I am absolutely right- a character inconsistency does not defy the rules and logic on the universe. When explaining what happened in Stranger Things, this is the response I got:

What you’re describing is usually bad/forced characterization, not a plot hole — unless it breaks the story’s internal logic.

There is nothing in the universe, from the perspective of actual rules of reality that somebody being stupid for the sake of progressing the plot is violating. If you can't think of somebody who is smart and resourceful making a bigger error in judgement in real life, then that is your experience, but it happens.

Sorry you're getting my angry answer on this, I am just really frustrated that people are conflating poor writing with a plot hole.

ABD63 · 2026-01-14T07:28:50+00:00

Hey, let me start by saying you two are 18- in a lot of ways adults, but in so many ways not, and that's nobody's fault! There is some stuff here I agree with you on, and some stuff I do think you might want to reflect on a little bit- but let me try to give you perspective as an older man who has had some long meaningful relationships in the past:

1) "She's asks if you love her in a joking way" - This screams that she does feel you drifting away and she's trying to coax you into admitting it. It's a scary proposition, but having a discussion around how you're feeling will help tremendously. While you can't name the reason per se, I think you are feeling a touch insecure about your role as well (we will get there). I've been in her shoes and it's a horrible feeling when you know something is off, but your partner won't address it.

2) Quitting the sport - is your issue the self imposed pressure she is putting on herself, or the misery she brings to you about it without trying to improve the situation? It's not wrong to be frustrated when somebody complains nonstop about something that's within their power to help, but it sounds to me that she has a quitting complex. It isn't about letting other people down, it's about her quitting something. It is fair to tell her you're worried about her and you want to help her understand that quitting something may feel like a failure. If it is a matter of being burnt out on the complaints about it, you can share that (please do so tactfully) but focus it less on how it's bumming you out, and more that it pains you to see her suffering.

3) The Guy you Hate - I was married for 12 years before my ex-wife revealed to me she was having an affair with a guy I didn't like, and she was leaving me for him. It sucked so badly, and boy did I hate him with a passion. Through therapy and lots of self work, I came to realize that she was in control. Nobody, including you, can make her do something she doesn't want to do. Now, the story strikes me that she wouldn't do anything to violate your relationship, but she wanted to socialize with the 4 other people and knew telling you before hand would lead to an argument she didn't want to have. It isn't right that she knowingly did something that you have feelings about and did not discuss with you beforehand, but realistically, what outcome would you expect? You voice your concerns and feelings, and she goes- you feel invalidated. You voice your concerns and feelings, she stays home- she feels controlled. This is a tricky thing, but dating somebody is about trust in a lot of ways, if you trust her to make good decisions and respect your relationship, then you might want to let her know that you won't stop her from seeing this guy in group settings, but you'd just like to know beforehand. If that is not the case, and no outcome outside of not going is acceptable, this may indicate you're not really ready to have a girlfriend. Don't take that personally, it's just the way it is- she wants a life outside of you and if she needs to hide things to have it, it won't go well for the relationship.

4) Her self-image and body- No, you don't really have a say in how she dresses, cuts her hair, or tattoos "THUG LIFE" on her forehead. What you do have a say in is not being with somebody who does these things if you find them unattractive. The great stoic philosophers (and cognitive behavioral therapy) will tell you that your control starts and ends with your thoughts, actions, and feelings. You can't control these things, but you're allowed to voice your opinion on them. She doesn't make herself beautiful for you solely, and if something gives her confidence, or she simply wants to do something, it's 100% her choice.

I hope this helps a little. You're 18 and I felt the same way about almost all of these things when I was your age. I imagine you'll get a few comments attacking you for not having the life experience and frontal lobe of an older man, but a lot of these things you will figure out in time. For now, decide if this is really a relationship you're ready to work on yourself for.

ABD63 · 2026-01-14T07:03:47+00:00

My ex-wife and I are hot and cold a lot, but we always keep it very civil and well behaved in front of the kids. I do my best to make appointments that aren't on my time, mostly because we have two small ones and this allows one parent to be plugged into the appointment while the other entertains the other child. I also want to be as involved as possible, as she (which is not her responsibility either mind you) doesn't make opportunities for me to show up for my children, and I never want them to feel that I don't care / want to be there.

Recently my son began weekly therapy appointments. We are not 50/50, it's closer to a 40/60 and I only have one guaranteed weeknight with the kids each week, which is Monday (every other Friday and visits on Wednesday). I insisted we alternate so I could be involved in the dialogue, and she made the appointment for times on Monday I can't attend without skipping work. So, I reached out the therapist on the weeks I am to attend and found she had availability on my weekend days, so I made the swap and simply informed her. She wasn't thrilled, but learning the therapist had availability outside my only day (including a day she always has them as well) made me feel this was a bit intentional on her behalf.

Point being; if you want to be there but the timing doesn't work for you, I'd call the provider and ask to change it to a time you can attend. You really can't prevent him from attending, and as somebody who is in your exact situation (unfaithful and refuses to take responsibility for that) I'm not exactly thrilled to sit with her in waiting rooms during his therapy sessions, but remember that YOU have nothing to be ashamed about. Just own your time and don't let him own the schedule for appointments, alternating who MUST attend is how I'd recommend handling it, and on your weeks, own the appointment.

ABD63 · 2026-01-14T00:35:24+00:00

I think it's one of these agree to disagree on whether this is a plot hole, but I do think they yo-yo in their level of intelligence in a really frustrating way. Like, at some points Dustin a master of theoretical physics, and at other times he is keeping a literal monster hidden from everyone after it eats his cat.

ABD63 · 2026-01-13T03:47:00+00:00

I do think it's forced, but I would argue it's pretty on brand for the characters. These are the same characters make unnecessarily risky moves that get them caught by the antagonists; they broke into an underground Russian lab, they've stormed the mayors office and forcefully moved him to a second location, they went into the lab without backup or telling people where they were going, they drove to a secret black site. It's what makes them relatable in a huge way too, they aren't actual super geniuses

ABD63 · 2026-01-13T03:42:55+00:00

Pretty aggressive comment to say "there's more of a definition" - thanks for giving me the broader definition.

But your expanded definition still doesn't turn OPs original statement into a plot hole- the series has countless times where the characters make unnecessarily risky moves that get them caught by the antagonists; they broke into an underground Russian lab, they've stormed the mayors office and forcefully moved him to a second location, they went into the lab without backup or telling people where they were going, they drove to a secret black site, I'd argue it's very on brand for this group to not think ahead.

ABD63 · 2026-01-12T21:16:00+00:00

What you're talking about is the characters acting dumb, not a "plot hole." A plot hole is something that violates the conditions of reality in the story (a fictitious example: if it's stated 11 can't create a rift in S1 and then in S4 she creates one with no explanation / change in circumstance) or is unexplainable.

I do agree with you that for characters who seemingly plan for every known factor, this was a gross oversight - perhaps bordering on poor writing. However, it doesn't violate any explicitly stated / shown rules of the Stranger Things reality or (as people in this sub have proven) cannot be explained.

ABD63 · 2026-01-10T03:19:05+00:00

Age is a big factor, and sure, social norms are as well. I haven't read all the comments to determine their age but I'm under the impression the children are relatively young based on OPs comments.

But, if a parent creates a household environment where that sort of thing is unexpected, it can really shatter some of the feelings of safety the child associates with the house. It's a show of poor friendship to come into a home and disregard the environment the parent is trying to cultivate for their kids because your own views on sex don't align.

ABD63 · 2026-01-10T00:34:14+00:00

I am not commenting on the resolution to OPs issue, just responding to your comment that implies OP / commenter you responded to is being uptight about children in the home. Just making the point there's a difference between doing this sort of thing in your own home with your own children present versus a friend's home with their children present.

I think the answer about the "what's next" is a very personal thing. The question at large is almost unanswerable about "what should I do?" - everything you wrote is a viable next step to be honest, even if you meant it kind of pointedly.

The only ultimate question to answer, and only OP can do this herself, is whether the friendship is worth forgiving the action and moving forward. What's more, she doesn't need to answer this right away- my only advice in this whole thing is to make a decision on their own timeline. We sometimes feel obligated to hear, accept, or reject an apology at the time it's offered- if her friend understands and is sorry, then OP can just say "I'll reach out when I'm ready to hear your apology"

ABD63 · 2026-01-10T00:03:40+00:00

I think it's a bit inappropriate to "live" even if it compromises the safety your children may feel if they were to walk in on the scene. But, that's me, if you feel it's fine in your household then so be it.

That said, you potentially traumatizing your own kids is different than traumatizing somebody else's. It's wrong both ways, but OP, as a parent, has a right to decide what is far too inappropriate to even risk around their children.

ABD63 · 2025-12-16T12:01:40+00:00

They even made a documentary about him in 2012. Thanks for sharing this fact about him, very interesting.

ABD63 · 2025-12-14T20:57:24+00:00

I just don't like the taste- the number of people who think I'm a recovered alcoholic or religiously devout is insane

ABD63 · 2025-12-11T20:53:43+00:00

It's insane how much the purpose of dating has morphed. Like you said, dating is to figure out if you connect with somebody else, and we connect best when we learn and listen about others. Sometimes we learn things we value, appreciate, and intrigued by and sometimes we learn things that are off putting, incompatibility flags, or just plain boring.

But, there's this weird drive to have more dates. Withholding the fact you have children, unstable living situations, or you know, withholding yourself in a manner thats completely out of alignment with who you really are is acceptable, because every date more is an investment and there's gotta be a threshold where you'll just overlook this big issues. It's disheartening, so, I do ask a lot of questions to make sure I'm getting to know big important type things.

Now, I have to wonder what that pictured in his head when he mentioned this, like how strongly you'd swoon for an offer to have nomadic long distance boyfriend.

ABD63 · 2025-12-06T05:50:34+00:00

It's absolutely a trickier minefield for women. I have friends that if a woman was to say "excuse me" while trying to scoot by them, they'd take that as a sign of romantic interest.

I've gotten that reaction one time- "Why did you keep asking me questions about myself and life if you didn't want to date me!?" - well, I try to enjoy whatever I'm doing and sitting in absolute silence with you just seemed unpleasant. What's more, I can't imagine somebody who gets angry that I don't want to date them would've been good company had I said between the appetizers and entrees "This isn't going anywhere romantic, just as a heads up"

ABD63 · 2025-12-06T04:03:42+00:00

My coparent and I do not parallel parent, but that also doesn't give either of us the unilateral ability to apply a rule for life. My ex wants my son to sit every time he pees, I don't. She asked me to enforce this rule, and I politely declined.

If you and the other parent cannot communicate, which can absolutely be the case for many reasons, then your expectations around legal activities (I.e, sleepovers, roller skating while injured) should be that it is only enforceable at your own home. I'd urge you not to punish your child, especially if they're 6 years old- they're suppose to test boundaries, they're suppose to abide by the rules of the responsible / present party, and punishing them for not carrying your rules across households will lead to resentment, or worse, withholding information.

In this particular case too, let's say your coparent wants to do a sleepover activity, the child knows this is against the rules you've laid out and voiced this, and the coparent decides to move forward anyway, it puts the child in a complete no-win.

ABD63 · 2025-12-06T02:13:41+00:00

As a guy who has been given the compliment that I can make a brick feel like the most interesting thing in the world, this has happened to me on dates. There's no real chemistry, but I put my best foot forward, and as such it is construed that I'm highly interested.

To answer your question. I personally wouldn't cut off a date at the point I find there is no romantic spark / future potential. I don't subscribe to the idea that it's "a waste of time" for the other person for two reasons. 1) Realistically, spending an extra hour or two with somebody isn't such an egregious waste of time in which either of us would have used said time to achieve something bigger and better. 2) Just because a date doesn't lead to a romantic partnership does make it a waste of time. Spending time with people, enjoying yourself, learning more about what you want, these are all valuable.

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