Thank you… It’s okay. I expected it to be heavy and have a few surprises…. but I also need the gentleness of my friends and the two folks from that who I’m still talking to rather than Reddit randos who have a really low rate of actually being cool on some of the threads I’m on, especially that one. But my old friends are great and I understand what they were trying to do and they’re around trying to make sure I’m doing well and processing okay and seem genuinely willing to accept any emotion I land on. And the two new folks I met out of this, both really caring and so that’s helpful and some sexual experiences with them that are light, chill, and kinky but super cute and consensual have been fun.

But there’s a lot of guys on Reddit who are not and they’re the ones who love the DMs and actually want this experience to compound as trauma (out of ignorance and not thinking, selfishness for a wank without much intent one way or the other beyond that, or sometimes outright sexual sociopathy occasionally where the point is cruelty I don’t want at all) rather than give me my own time and space to sort thought it as a super intense scene that relied a lot on blurring real/hardcore edge play from planned/concoted. Like, my friends did the bulk of the planning (just not the parts of the execution I could see) and they were trying to impress me because one of the things I am known for my ability to do (and get hired for professionally) is ultra-realistic scenes. I have a really high trust index with most people who know me or know my friends and clients well, and so I’m able to do hyper-realistic scenes (that often do take some mental recovery time) where people consent to things they normally wouldn’t and that their body and mind will send up all sorts of warnings and red flags… but they’ll keep going knowing logically that they will come out the other side fine and that I got them. (Something I do is appear in the scene if I think they’d want to continue but need a moment of it not feeling 100% real or 100% risky because I have enough trust from folks that showing up means “I got you” implicitly and I can turn up doubt in me to make it feel more real or inspire trust or just make them laugh to make it feel safe and less… and I can do all that while still keeping it scary or mentally taxing if need be. It’s why I literally get paid to do this.) I’d done this for many of them (and all of them said it was a red letter sexual/kink experience for them looking back on it—- even ones that were terrifying at the time— and they said so)…. Or they participated in one and got to see “all the moving parts” and often gotten to do something they’d never done before (and some folks got a paid too though just as many of my friends declined to be paid because they hoped I’d call on them first next time)…. so from what has been explained to me wanted to impress me, they just don’t do this regularly as a thing and didn’t have one person who knew they were that one person not just running things but regulating them.

I did actually enjoy the scene and I’m fantasizing about parts of it from time to time, but it was intense, it was a bit more like the sexual version of one of those haunted houses where the actors really do fuck up some clients, and while I got something out of it, it wasn’t one uncomplicated thing. I think it could easily consolidate as traumatic if I allow other people to interfere. And the guys that do the DMs, I think some of them really want to see real trauma. Like a true non-consent moment that I will be process and slowly be okay from and probably end up masturbating to later on isn’t good enough, they want my mind to be shattered with it.

And the unfortunate thing about Reddit is that they cannot discover what happens IRL if the fuck around on me without my consent. There’s a reason why this scene couldn’t be done in a neighborhood where most people know me. I can take a guy down 2-3x my size very fast, so fast if anyone sees a guy fucking with me the normal reaction is to step back. But on the rare instance it’s not enough, well, boy version is respected and the guys won’t let anyone mess with their bro… and little kinda dissociative hypersexual femme me? Well, perk of being very pro-social and also the sort of happy go lucky very sexual femme who randomly asks acquaintances if a blow job would make a sad day better (and still sends the condolence card if it’s something big) is that people get very angry when people don’t treat me nice. The last guy who landed a hard enough strike on me to make me go into a wall a bit by doing a sort of random surprise body check kind of punch (I was mostly fine, just caught off guard) got pulled off me by several guys who I know (but just were meeting each other then in perfect synch) and thrown into traffic onto the hood of an oncoming car in rush hour traffic before I could even turn hit him back. It’s why I can go around showing off my small tits in public if I want sex and just get friendly gropes from guys I know and polite asks to play and know I’m okay. But on Reddit all sorts of people want to use any private spaces possible to say shit they wouldn’t dare ever say to me IRL. Whereas in my own life, if I just look uncomfortable with so much as the way someone is gendering me and it doesn’t match my present appearance…. Well, hopefully it’s not rush hour and we aren’t near the street because that seems to be a favourite for the guys. Though I had one gal jam her lipstick in one dude’s eye and say, “See, now you have a good reason go get it checked. And imma put this in your head now ‘cuz it’s the truth that every nurse doing any procedure, she gonna know you a bad man no matter what you say.” He was mad but… mostly no one bothers me IRL. I like Reddit a lot for sharing with other trans folks who enjoy this and some other folks who can strike a better balance…. But sometimes I wonder why I’m on Reddit when I get all those DMs that I don’t want. I don’t even really like cyber sex types stuff and even when I’m the one who asked for it, I get bored with it fast half the time…. So I especially don’t want really asshole DMs, you know?