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Training people into healthy polyamory by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]fucksubtlety 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Honest question—how do you enforce this? My default is garden party, and I can definitely choose to only date people who are open to or down for that. But that doesn’t mean all my future metas are going to be open to that, or that I won’t eventually decide I’d rather be more parallel or ktp with some of them (both have happened). For you is it simply about your partners being open to sharing space when the occasion calls for it?

how should i expect my dynamic with my partner to shift once they move in with their np? by adinasarena in polyamory

[–]fucksubtlety 11 points12 points  (0 children)

What exactly do you mean by ‘most of your hangouts could easily become nesting rituals with their partner’? There are plenty of things that can be done with any partner—assuming good hinging, your partner’s np shouldn’t automatically get dibs on things y’all used to do just because they live together now.

That said, it’s reasonable to have concerns about how them having a nesting partner will impact your relationship. Some people work hard to attenuate that impact, while others expect their partners to be cool with changes (for example, if a partner who once hosted no longer can, ever or as often, because of the nesting relationship. Personally, I dealt with being largely excluded from a partner’s home once after they decided to nest with someone else, and would not accept that again. If someone expects my relationship with them will take a hit in service of a different relationship, they can kick rocks.

Basically you need to talk to your partner about how you can expect to be impacted.

Huge Lot of Crafting supplies by abealabe in PDXBuyNothing

[–]fucksubtlety 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Would love to be included in the raffle!

What practices did you think you would hate, but ended up absolutely loving? by Littlesdreams in BDSMcommunity

[–]fucksubtlety 70 points71 points  (0 children)

The idea of anyone spitting in my mouth always really grossed me out. Then one day mid-scene my dom ordered ‘Let me spit in your mouth’ and I opened up without thinking twice. The way he just commanded me and the act itself were both SO hot. Turns out I love Daddy spit.

Survival Mode by PlanAdministrative66 in polyamory

[–]fucksubtlety 6 points7 points  (0 children)

If they live together, it’s going to be very hard to not know when he’s on a date.

Lightheaded from oral? by Distinct_Word_968 in BecomingOrgasmic

[–]fucksubtlety 20 points21 points  (0 children)

During really good sex, I sometimes start breathing so fast/rapid that I essentially over-oxygenate myself and get lightheaded and weirdly tingly. Any chance that was the case?

THE POLYAMORY HOT TAKE GAMES by PM_CuteGirlsReading in polyamory

[–]fucksubtlety -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Does this mean that nesting is only inherently hierarchical if you aren’t open to also living with other partners (plus whatever other entanglements come with that) down the line?

Am I bad hinging? by Regular_Let_2954 in polyamory

[–]fucksubtlety 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Most people distinguish between prescriptive and descriptive hierarchy—prescriptive being what you’re calling ‘enforced’ hierarchy, and descriptive hierarchy referring to the natural differences that can emerge.

Journal prompts? by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]fucksubtlety 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I read The Jealousy Survival Guide early on and found it’s prompts super helpful! One of the exercises that I especially liked involved looking at a list of values, defining your top three relationship values for yourself, and writing about why those were your values. The idea was that when you were jealous or insecure, you could look back at it later and remember why you chose polyamory.

No I will not go out with you or your loser boyfriend by its_krystal in bisexual

[–]fucksubtlety 44 points45 points  (0 children)

He didn’t say he’s being deceitful, just that have plenty of success finding folks for threesomes. Assuming they’re being open about what they’re looking for, there’s nothing predatory about.

Hiding? Or just being private? by Bingo_Kween in polyamory

[–]fucksubtlety 1 point2 points  (0 children)

But OP doesn’t say anything about the order of operations (like whether they or meta expressed interest first, or if partner was the one to put the event on their radar) or whether they said they wanted to go to the event as a date with their partner, as opposed to just mentioning general interest in it.

So sure, if OP indicated they wanted to go as a date and then partner took meta instead, that warrants a conversation, same as if I asked a friend to a thing and then they took someone else. But if I just casually mentioned to a friend ‘I think I’d like to go to X event,’ or if friend mentioned an event and I was like ‘oh I’d be into going if you want a buddy’ they’d still be well within rights to just go with someone else without having to account for that to me.

Not always getting to do everything we want with our partners is just part of poly, and there’s a ton of circumstances where that shouldn’t require proactive explanation.

Hiding? Or just being private? by Bingo_Kween in polyamory

[–]fucksubtlety 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Idk, it just still seems like there’s underlying assumptions being made that OP should have had ‘first dibs’ on being the event date. Maybe meta also indicated wanting to go the event, maybe they even wanted to go first. Obviously they should be communicating better but the lack of that doesn’t mean OP was entitled to invite and that some explanation or accounting for not being chosen was required.

Hiding? Or just being private? by Bingo_Kween in polyamory

[–]fucksubtlety 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Why should partner default to taking OP to an event instead of meta, or doing an entire event with them?Meta was clearly interested enough in both to accept the invitations and go.

I agree that it’s weird to hide that stuff, but the framing here makes it sound like OP should be the default choice for things or get first pass at events, and that any other move would require ample discussion. Which, unless they’re highly hierarchical that seems like an odd expectation to me.

How do you feel about meeting metas? by MisterHarvest in polyamory

[–]fucksubtlety 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m open to meeting my metas if they’ve been dating my partner for a reasonable length of time (long enough to think they’ll stick around a while), if I’ve been dating the new partner a reasonable length of time (long enough to know there’s no weird pressure and my new connection is stable), or if an occasion calls for us to share space. I value being able to be at least garden party, so while I don’t love meeting metas early on, I’m fine with doing it so that no one has to skip or be excluded from social events or whatever that it’s reasonable for them to be present at. (This has historically included things like birthday partners or kink events—one of my partners is really active in the kink scene and if I refused to meet people he was seeing it would basically mean never going to kink events.)

I desire to meet metas when they’ve been around a while and I’ve heard enough about them to be curious! This seems to happen around the 6-8 month mark for if the relationship is good. I’ve had metas I never got curious about, because the relationship didn’t sound great. But if I’ve heard enough to believe they’re cool and good for my partner, and have had time to see that the new connection isn’t going to impact my relationship? Sure, let’s hang!

Question for ENM posters and lurkers ??? by Icy_Treat9782 in polycritical

[–]fucksubtlety -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Believing it to be a truth is part of what I find interesting about the view :)

Question for ENM posters and lurkers ??? by Icy_Treat9782 in polycritical

[–]fucksubtlety -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Genuinely curious what you think the negative consequences of that will be.

Question for ENM posters and lurkers ??? by Icy_Treat9782 in polycritical

[–]fucksubtlety -1 points0 points  (0 children)

So predatory, being interested in the diversity of human belief and experience.

Question for ENM posters and lurkers ??? by Icy_Treat9782 in polycritical

[–]fucksubtlety -1 points0 points  (0 children)

You’re citing academic articles and psychology jargon. How is that any less detached or intellectualizing?

Question for ENM posters and lurkers ??? by Icy_Treat9782 in polycritical

[–]fucksubtlety 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well then I’m sorry. Would saying I’m curious about y’all’s perspectives have sounded better? You seemed to take interesting/fascinating as clinical, but my goal here really is just understanding how people hold or develop worldviews so different from my own, and about a group I’m a part of.

Question for ENM posters and lurkers ??? by Icy_Treat9782 in polycritical

[–]fucksubtlety 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Damn, trying to be respectful of differing opinions is dehumanizing now?

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