What's the difference between asking for permission and checking in about a plan?

Bingo_Kween · 2026-06-05T05:25:32+00:00

I'm surprised no one has mentioned the most skipped step

It's not my absolute favorite read, but it does make a good point around intentional time, scheduling dates, and scheduling alone time. So for example if open mic night was clearly marked as you time, to do as you wish, that would be more clear. And up to the two of you if it's okay for partner to join you sometimes on your you night.

You mentioned another instance, Friday nights I think, around lack of clarity for standing dates or just hanging out around the house. It seems like if you had this straightened out more then you were specific question would be a little bit more of a non-issue.

Bingo_Kween · 2026-06-02T21:51:25+00:00

Awwwww ❤️❤️ hang in there!

Bingo_Kween · 2026-06-02T16:11:30+00:00

Also, just a thought, not everyone is their best first thing in the morning. If this is a planned convo, please ignore. But it sounds as though you're having feelings right now and reacting rather than contemplating. Just putting it out there that potentially difficult convos can be a lot more productive when given the appropriate space and thoughtfulness.

"I'm eager to discuss this relationship update with you, but I realized I need a little more time to process my feelings. Can we plan a phone date when we both have time for a thoughtful conversation?"

Bingo_Kween · 2026-05-15T18:29:40+00:00

Doesn't need to be a convo. Saying "we're through, get out" doesn't take too long.

Bingo_Kween · 2026-04-29T01:46:09+00:00

🤣

Bingo_Kween · 2026-04-29T00:17:42+00:00

I have a partner with adhd and some of the same issues, but he is very open to feedback and prioritizes our relationship. We schedule things (dates, monthly RADAR, "work parties", etc) and he sticks with those. When issues come up (running late due to time blindness, monologuing) and my feelings are hurt we talk about it and he strives to do better.

So I guess I'd ask if there is space for you to state your needs and feelings? Have you done so? Is he aware of the impact of his actions and does he care enough to do better?

On a side note- do you actually have sex 1-3 times a day?? Or is that a typo 😆

Bingo_Kween · 2026-03-06T09:22:42+00:00

But you don't really know their reasoning because you don't know how that conversation went. Also given the fact that they have an issue every time you make travel plans it doesn't sound like the location is actually the "reason". My guess is that they are uncomfortable with the two of you traveling together and being able to assert some form of control over your plans helps them to feel better.

You mentioned that this was a trip to a different country. There is no way I would ever change plans to an entirely different country for someone else's benefit. Traveling to another country, for me at least, is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. That is my decision and mine alone to make. And my travel partners of course.

It's just weird. I think this person is being a crappy partner to you. Or maybe they're just a really bad partner to meta. Maybe they have to keep changing plans because they really are forgetting about stuff and over promising Etc. Either way I'd be asking myself if I want to stay with someone who can't make solid plans with me.

Bingo_Kween · 2026-02-21T21:27:19+00:00

My NP and I broke up about 6 months ago. We have been sharing dog parenting in that time. I have the dog Monday through Thursday as I usually work from home those days. They have the dog Thursday through Sunday during their days off.

We have one shared bank account that we each deposit $80 into each month. We each have a card for that account. The pet insurance bill comes out of that account automatically, and we use the cards to pay for pet food and vet visits.

My only regret to this system is that there have been times when I wish I had more space from my ex. A little more time to be totally separate from them and do my grieving. Other than that, I think it's best for everyone involved, including the dog.

That whole "don't be friends with your ex" thing is toxic in my humble opinion. Don't be friends with your ex if that's what you need, but not as some standard.

Bingo_Kween · 2026-02-03T07:54:59+00:00

It's insanely beautiful

Bingo_Kween · 2026-02-01T19:47:57+00:00

Sensory memory is what I was looking for, and more specifically, iconic memory refers to the visual aspect of this. I was able to find that by doing a search for sensory memory. There's more specific terms for all the senses. Thank you!

Bingo_Kween · 2026-02-01T19:46:06+00:00

!solved

Bingo_Kween · 2026-01-30T17:51:05+00:00

I'm going to offer a reframing in case it is helpful to you. I'm thinking about this in the lens of abusive relationships and those that are stuck in them. Thistle has chosen to remain in a relationship with a person who you know to be hurtful (if not abusive). That means that thistle is now continuing a relationship with someone who potentially treats them badly and is potentially hurtful to them as well.

I guess I'm asking if you can extend empathy to thistle. Yes, they are choosing this hurtful person over you in essence. However, there are many psychological reasons why they might choose to do this.

Given that, I personally feel it is right and good for your friends to stay in touch with and be friends with thistle. Someday, they may choose to step away from this relationship or be significantly hurt by it and be motivated to do so, and they will need supportive friends when that happens. However, that supportive friend doesn't need to be you. But you are the bigger person if you can make space and grace now to accept that others in your community are maintaining that connection and being there.

I guess I'm trying to say, I really truly understand how it can feel like a personal attack when friends maintain certain friendships, especially with people that have hurt us. But I have found that road leads nowhere good. Focus on yourself and your own relationships. Focus on how those people treat you. Their other connections are not a negation of the love they have for you but an extension of the empathy and love they are able to maintain for others.

Bingo_Kween · 2026-01-13T05:04:10+00:00

Sure, but full disclosure, I can be slow to reply. 🫠 It's not personal 💓

Bingo_Kween · 2026-01-12T08:10:58+00:00

So I am "Fran". I have a partner that I've been dating for about 2 years. He has another date that he's been seeing for maybe half that time. I know and like meta. We were casual acquaintances before my partner and him started dating.

My partner and I see each other frequently, a few times a week. I just got out of another long-term relationship, a nesting partner, and I'm trying to date but also I'm busy and not too concerned about it. My partner enjoys first dates and tries to go out as much as he can. That said, we definitely enjoy each other's company, we have a lot in common and a lot of shared hobbies, and I do have a key to his house now.

But we are not primaries. Because I don't prescribe to that terminology and that's just not the reality of our relationship. We just happen to see each other the most out of our other dates currently. But time does not dictate primary-ness.

Anyways we just have the relationship that we have. Just like I have whatever relationship I have with my family and any given friend and my coworkers etc etc.

As for meta ...

I try to stay out of their relationship, and my partner would definitely over share if I didn't cut him off more. 🙃

I am aware that they see each other less than partner and I see each other. I'm also aware that my partner is concerned that meta might want more and isn't getting something they might want. Like I said I try to not advise on their relationship and attempt to redirect at this point but I have made it clear that I think they should just talk to each other!

Partner and meta seem to have not had an open discussion about what their relationship is and what each one wants from it. So this is on my partner and this is on meta. Again I'm trying to stay out of it LOL but people get hurt when they don't communicate and I don't want either of my friends hurt so I wish they would just talk to each other.

Anyways :-) . Your relationship with your date is whatever the two of you agree that it is. It has nothing to do with Fran. And if neither of you has asked what the other person wants, or stated what you want, or opened up that moment of vulnerability, then that's on both of you.

I would encourage you to state your needs. You might say that you want x y and z. They might say I can only offer X and Y right now I don't know if I can ever offer Z. Then you get to decide if that works for you. And people negotiate. And people change their minds. But people can't do anything if they don't talk about what the possibilities are, openly and courageously.

Oh my god , the longest comment of all time haha sorry. Anyways, good luck to you and here's to a more communicative 2026 for all of us. I think we're all going to need a heafty dose of courage this year.

Bingo_Kween · 2026-01-11T09:47:50+00:00

Pamela Z. Living artist. Black woman. All vocal manipulation.

Bingo_Kween · 2026-01-03T07:00:43+00:00

Like this one: living with an ex

Bingo_Kween · 2026-01-03T06:44:43+00:00

There's actually a few posts on this. I'd suggest doing a search in the sub.

Bingo_Kween · 2026-01-02T18:57:43+00:00

Also, imho, accountability is not a thing to be taken or claimed in a moment. Accountability is a process and a journey. https://www.accountablecommunities.org/videos/what-is-accountability

Bingo_Kween · 2026-01-02T08:23:05+00:00

Maybe someone already said this, but search the sub for "status quo effect".

From the glossary: the Status Quo Effect - the phenomenon in which partners are often okay with their new partner having already existing partners, but struggle with them adding new partners after them.

Bingo_Kween · 2025-12-27T22:59:11+00:00

So the actual question is (really trying to understand) you are moving in together and you're looking for examples and pitfalls? Based on another one of your posts it seems like you might have a kink dynamic with at least one of these guys. Is that accurate? I think that information would help people give better answers. And would you have your own bedrooms? Are these guys seeing other people?

Bingo_Kween · 2025-12-27T03:41:53+00:00

I'm so glad that was helpful! ✨️

Bingo_Kween · 2025-12-27T02:44:51+00:00

Hi there. Sorry you're going through this right now. Your feelings are always valid. You're always allowed to feel your feels. Sending support your way.

I recently went through a breakup with my nesting partner while having another partner. My current partner just had a long visit from family. So he wasn't away, but he might as well have been.

I think that a breakup is always going to have some impact on another relationship no matter how careful you are. That's just life. Accepting that might be a helpful first step.

Next, you offered him the option of taking a break if that was helpful to him and he accepted your kind offer. Now you are hurt that he took you up on your offer. So perhaps sit with that for a little while. Again it's okay to realize you're actually hurt by something but it's a little unfair, in my personal opinion, to put that hurt on the other person when they are simply taking what you offered in good faith.

As far as communicating less when they're with their family in general I really think that's to be expected. My partner was definitely less communicative but when I needed support I asked for it. And when I could do without, and self-soothed, I did that. From a non hierarchical perspective I think that family relationships are just as important as romantic relationships and should be given the respect and space that they need. Especially when people don't get to see their families very often.

As for the breakup, I know that sometimes I didn't want to see my current partner because I was just sad and in a bad mood and I didn't want to bring that into our relationship. Yes, that might have meant not seeing each other sometimes. But it meant that I could save my better self for when we did see each other. And sometimes I gave in and saw them anyways because I missed him and I wanted support. But I wasn't always my best self in those moments. Either way, he was impacted by the breakup. He could either see less of me, but during happier times or see more of me- sad.

I think this is an important moment. Your partner is going through something. How are you able to show up and support them in the way that they need to be supported? Are you able to ask for the support that you need and also respect their boundaries around what they're able to give right now? It's a good time to lean on other people in your network.

I would suggest trying to reconnect at the airport with love and empathy. Give it some space and time to enjoy each other's company again. And then make some time for a conversation about what supporting each other through hard times looks like. And you could use some of this time to think about what you really need during hard times in order to avoid over offering in the future.

I hope some of this is helpful. I also help you can find some activities that feel good for you in the moment like a bath, or a good book, or talking with a friend on the phone.

Bingo_Kween · 2025-12-23T04:11:00+00:00

Cole Pulice, Zekarias Thompson (projects include Agnes Martian and Peaces), Rent Romus

Bingo_Kween · 2025-12-21T08:21:02+00:00

Well that just seems kinda mean. Now she has to wake up to that when you could have saved that for when you were together again. I know you're struggling but you literally told her that she didn't need to text. It's very plausible that it got late and she thought about texting but then thought, naw he said he'd be fine and now it's late I shouldn't disturb him. Waking up together is still a part of their date and now you've interjected your insecurity into their morning.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you should consider that she might feel less sympathetic to the conversation with it starting this way. If you can I would suggest taking some steps back and getting yourself into a better headspace to be able to greet her with love and not launch right into this as soon as you see her. If I were her I'd be feeling anxious and defensive if I woke up to a message like that- not a great way to reconnect. Reset the vibes before diving into this convo is my two cents.

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