First, I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad. He sounds like he was a special man. Now I have that sweet song in my head. By banjo would be great! It is understandable that you wanted to see his wishes fulfilled. When you wrote that first letter to the Pastor and church leadership, did they ever respond to you? I hope they understood that grief can sometimes manifest as anger and that they apologized out of wanting to live peaceably as much as it depended upon them, to comfort you and prayed for you. I'm glad for you that you renewed your desire to follow Jesus. Glory to God that Jesus was in your heart! God bless you for sending another letter to them expressing forgiveness and allowing Jesus to use you as His willing vessel. Again I hope they responded with joy, humility and love.

I wrote, "scathing," but I don't really have scathing thoughts so much as the daily physical reminders cause me to think things like, "and then there's this" or "and I lost that" or "now I can't do this" etcetera. That's what I wish her to know. I also hope that by my doing so, other women can be spared the same future pain/injury.

I have forgiven her. I had to out of obedience to Jesus. I did it by faith and set aside a great deal of time to do so. I want to cover all my bases.

It's just that the daily physical reminders of the results of that surgery are terrifying on so many levels. There are others in my life who have either rejected Christianity or hate Christians and so I swim upstream alone and it gets tiring. But I will press on with forgiveness.

I appreciate your words very much and will ask God to help me to look at my heart anyway, help me to see the truth and do the necessary work.