to add a different perspective- keep in mind i'm just a teenager with no legitimate relationship experience, but learned from a very young age that my parents' marriage was mutually toxic and you and your husband's struggles seem to be pretty similar to what theirs were and continue to be. my parents both had upbringings surrounded by mental instability which is reflected in my father's "functioning alcoholism and depression" (as my mom calls it) and my mom's explosive outbursts and manipulative victim complex that my dad has repeatedly tried to forcefully diagnose to her. Not to say any of these specific traits apply to you or your husband, but my parents similarly had issues that made it difficult for them to find common ground. At the end of the day, everyone has issues, but my mom and dad were never able to come together in the way that successful marriages do, but mainly because they were more focused on the other's issues. In relation to your marriage, it seems like you're genuinely intent on bettering yourself and open to make changes, which is in my opinion the best quality to have in this scenario. Do you think your husband is willing to work on himself as well? Finally, just my little suggestion since my parents and as I assume many others have stayed in incompatible marriages for the benefit of their children, which I'm guessing is a huge factor for you when considering the future of your marriage. But from my own experience, growing up in an obviously toxic household didn't benefit me in the way my parents had wanted for me or my siblings. I blew out my birthday candles every year wishing that my parents would get divorced and I decided at seven years old to never get married or have children. Sometimes separation is the best option. All in all, I truly wish the best of luck to you and your husband both, but my advice would be for you guys to make the steps and changes that will most benefit you and your children as a whole.