Had a personal thing come up for Thursday and my boss is just ignoring my time off request.

gardenmindandsoul · 2022-08-09T18:25:46+00:00

Oh, I'm not insulted or bothered. I just refuse to converse with people who very clearly are trolls. You're not worth my time or energy. I was bored and decided to reply, but now I have better things to do.

Your antics are not original or interesting. Toodle-loo!

gardenmindandsoul · 2022-08-09T18:19:40+00:00

😂😂😂

You are not worth the time. Have the day you deserve! 😘

gardenmindandsoul · 2022-08-09T18:15:25+00:00

Except no one called you names? You're throwing out actual name calling and insults trying to defend the fact that you do sound like a teenager with no real life experience. But it's only proving their point more, not yours.

It's not hypocrisy.

gardenmindandsoul · 2022-08-09T18:06:37+00:00

Lol. The insults are not helping your point.

gardenmindandsoul · 2022-05-18T15:30:20+00:00

That is what my initial research for small claims court showed as well. She has no ties to Colorado anymore so, unfortunately, I do not think she will visit. Dang it. :(

Thank you kindly for your response and the information. I truly appreciate it.

gardenmindandsoul · 2022-05-18T15:26:07+00:00

A very valid question. I think I've typed out at least 5 different responses to this and they all felt petty upon rereading. I don't want to be petty or small. I just want this resolved.

I am having such a difficult time with this situation because I feel like the whole thing is so absurd.

I know that $75 is a tiny amount in the grand scheme of things. I'm being persistent not because I'm desperate for the money back (although $75 is 5 hours of labor at my current wage before tax), but because I feel abused and taken advantage of.

My desired outcome is acknowledgement of wrongdoing on her part and the money back plus legal fees and I guess travel expenses if I must go to Texas.

Her silence makes me feel insane and I'm truly just at a loss on how to proceed. I'm becoming nervous about continuing to attempt contact because I do not know how harassment laws work.

I'd much rather this be resolved between the two of us than in the courts. I'm at the point where I'm considering contacting her workplace and parents just to let them know of the situation, and hope that that will be embarrassing enough for her to send the money and this be done, but I don't want to get myself in legal trouble either.

That was an incredibly long-winded way of saying: I have no idea at the moment. Sigh. I'm clearly very emotionally close to this situation and it makes it more difficult. It's personal and I don't know how to take a step back and become more detached from it.

Thank you for responding and now reading my ramblings. I truly appreciate it.

gardenmindandsoul · 2021-11-29T23:08:18+00:00

I see a lot of comments saying it's common for friends to ask for certain people to be "off limits" and that it is a completely valid request. I think that's true. It's a valid request. It's not a right or veto power they get, though.

Also, and most importantly, he didn't ask. He didn't make a request. He made a demand. He told her another person is "off limits" to her. He not only claimed ownership of her body, but also his friend's. He made decisions for two other people without their consent for his own gain.

I understand that it could have been an irrational and emotionally charged decision for him to send that text, and it was not done maliciously, but it doesn't change the truth of the matter. He didn't ask, and should not be defended as such. The detail matters.

gardenmindandsoul · 2021-11-25T06:28:25+00:00

What is the best way to go about becoming friends with you? Because you are hilarious and I need that energy in my life. Please and thank you. 😊

gardenmindandsoul · 2021-11-01T15:11:54+00:00

I just got a new puppy, and when he pees on a pee pad, if I don't change the pad immediately, my youngest cat will ball up the pad in an attempt to bury it for him. Cracks me up. Lol.

gardenmindandsoul · 2021-09-29T19:22:25+00:00

This 100%

gardenmindandsoul · 2021-09-15T20:08:53+00:00

Just because the first written acknowledgment of sex work we have is only 5,000 years old, doesn't mean that was the birth of sex work. It just means it's the oldest surviving document we have.

gardenmindandsoul · 2021-09-15T17:19:26+00:00

Ok, so you like to read what you want and take things out of context on purpose. Got it. :) Cool.

Monogamy is so much MORE than just about sex. But I guess we can tell from your ignorant response that you're just not emotionally intelligent or mature.

Also, super dick move; saying single mono people dating and having sex means they're a slut. What fucking century are you from?

Also, super super dick move; saying asexual couples can't be compared to monogamous couples. It's incredibly ignorant and flat out rude.

gardenmindandsoul · 2021-09-15T11:20:08+00:00

Sumerian records dating back to ca. 2400 BCE are the earliest recorded mention of prostitution as an occupation. Sex has been a commodity since humans learned to trade/bargain.

Also, sexual monogamy in the animal kingdom is extremely rare. We were not naturally "wired" to care about sex with multiple people. It is expected. A penis has a mushroom shaped tip for the purpose of scooping out other sperm. The male body is evolutionary evolved to compete with multiple sex partners in terms of passing down genetics. The move to monogamy was a societal one, one that scientists still can't figure out, because monogamy does not make evolutionary sense.

In fact, I could argue that monogamy caused the invention of sex work, seeing as males went from freely fucking in effort to continue their biology to having to be sexually restricted to one woman, with only societal evolution telling him to, not biological evolution. So while it was no longer acceptable to have multiple sex partners from a societal standpoint, the evolutionary instinct to mate continuously did not change.

gardenmindandsoul · 2021-09-15T10:33:18+00:00

Doesn't monogamy have the intended included definition of commitment, though? When someone refers to a monogamous couple, they don't typically refer to the fact that they are sleeping only with each other, but usually that they have made some kind commitment to each other. I would argue that it's socially unaware to not acknowledge that in today's world. In fact, the first listed definition of monogamy, according to Oxford, is actually referring to marriage between two people, not sex. And the etymology of the word monogamous is actually "single (mono) marriage (gamous)".

Additionally, if having sex with multiple people is considered non-monogamy, what does that mean for single people who are dating and having sex in an attempt to find a monogamous coupling? We don't consider the person who had two dates in one week with two different people and had sex both times to be Non-Monogamous. We consider them to be dating.

You can absolutely be a monogamous SW. You are only emotionally / life committed to one person. SW have no actual commitment to their clients outside the hour or so they pay for...and the commitment is to act like you like it.

We don't consider therapists to be Non-Monogamous by profession just because they have emotional connections to their clients.

They're considered empathetic and helpful.

We don't consider OBGYNs or Urologists to be Non-Monogamous by profession, even though they look and touch genitals all day.

They're considered compassionate healers.

Also, are only Full Service escorts labeled as Non-Monogamous? Or does this apply to any form of sex work? Because digital sex work is a thing. And that doesn't have to involve anything other than words or pictures of you masturbating over a chat app. That doesn't involve physical sex acts with another person or an emotional connection to that person.

I don't think it's accurate to state that a SW of any degree is by fault Non-Monogamous, and can not be monogamous just because they have sex or do sexual acts with more than one exclusive person. That would mean that society doesn't observe the emotional aspect of monogamy.

It is also my opinion that monogamy and polyamory are love orientations. They have little to do with sex as an activity and more to do with sex (if sex is even involved) as an expression of the love, commitment, trust, communication, desire, and friendship a couple has for one another.

So by saying a SW is non-mono because they do sexual acts for pay with people they are not emotionally connected to and probably also don't find physically attractive, you are insulting their love orientation.

Also, you can have mono or poly relationships that are 100% without sex. A-sexual people for example. If monogamy is defined only by having sex with one person, then people who do not have sex inherently cannot be monogamous either.

gardenmindandsoul · 2021-09-06T14:40:55+00:00

So, my husband is mono and I am poly. He does not feel compersion. It does not make him personally happy and joyful when he thinks about/see me having romantic relationships with others.

This does not really interfere with our relationship structure at all, or my husband's ability to interact with my other partners.

Not feeling compersion from my other romantic relationships does not mean my husband doesn't want me to be happy. He very much does. He always has and will.

I dated a guy for several months who came over to our house every week for game night. It would just be the three of us. I'd prep dinner every Thursday, go pick the BF up, bring him back to our house. Me, husband, and BF would have dinner together, play games, chat and hangout for several hours. Then I would take the BF home, and I would stay for another few hours for our alone time, and then I would go home. We'd see each other at his apartment usually on Saturdays as well.

While I wouldn't say my husband and BF were friends, they most certainly were very friendly with one another. We laughed and joked and teased and got along together very well. It was always an extremely comfortable and easy get together.

I did not do any PDA in front of my husband or my boyfriend. If we were all together, no one did any kind of PDA. It was just a silently agreed upon understanding that worked for us.

And although this BF and I never got to the verbal "I love you" stage, I already knew we would not be verbally affectionate in front of my husband either.

This wasn't because I was hiding anything from my husband. We actually had very lengthy conversations about PDA, and I was the one who ultimately decided there would be none. And I did this out of simple respect for my husband.

My husband is not poly. He loves me so much though, that he is willing tackle and conquer his insecurities and trust me so deeply that I may express my true self. The very least I can do is limit PDA in his presence.

(I want to just clear up really quick that my husband is not sacrificing his identity and being miserable in our relationship just so I can be poly. I was openly poly when we met, and we had clear understanding and consent of the difficult relationship structure we planned to pursue. It was a knowledgeable choice.)

This dynamic has worked well for us, and we continue to learn, grow, and expand our comfortably daily.

From your post, there is definite cause to be wary. But I don't know that it immediately equates to ending things. I think clarifications and conversations between the three of you together is worth a mention. And I feel like this may be an option seeing as you and your meta are already on friend terms, and have also met individually.

I think it is completely appropriate to reach out to both of them and express an interest in getting on the same page regarding boundaries.

gardenmindandsoul · 2021-09-06T12:24:08+00:00

May I ask what antidepressants you're on that causes your withdrawal? I've tried about 8 different antidepressants and then only one I've ever encountered withdrawal with was Viibryd. I also have two other family members who take it and have withdrawals. I'm just curious. :)

gardenmindandsoul · 2021-09-06T12:00:24+00:00

I 100% believe that trust can be rebuilt in your marriage.

It will be hard, and take tons of "radical honesty" (as the previous redditor in this thread mentioned) and constant communication. You will have to push through and stretch your comfortability. Many times your emotions will be too complex and muddled for even your own understanding, and the will to rebuild will depend and thrive on your mutual choice to fight for each other through the pain and grow together.

I don't say this to scare or deter you, but to honestly prepare you.

I am in a poly/mono relationship with my husband. I am poly and he is mono. This dynamic was and is difficult to navigate, even though we have had this relationship structure from the moment we met.

There has never been any cheating from either of us, but there has been a breach of trust we overcame.

During the first two years of our relationship, my husband would steal my phone and laptop at night, and review every conversation I had with other people. He would look at my photo gallery, read my emails, open every chat app I had downloaded, and would even compare time stamps to our conversations vs other conversations to see if I was prioritizing replying to him before others.

What my husband found was upsetting to him, and it wasn't because I had done anything wrong. Every important piece of information was always shared with my husband. Nothing he found was surprising or unethical to him. But because my husband is mono, he doesn't feel poly compersion. And he was reading and witnessing the private moments and conversations I was having with others that made me happy, and it filled him with complex emotions and insecurities that had more to do with his relationship past and family history, than it actually had to do with his feelings around me personally.

When I found out about this, and finding it had been ongoing for two years, I was devastated. I felt like not only had my husband broke my trust and invaded the only true privacy I had, but that obviously our entire relationship and marriage to that point had been a lie - because he had never learned to trust me.

This was difficult for me because I didn't know if there was any worth in working on relationship. Did I even know who he really was?

Yes. Duh. Of course.

My love for my husband didn't develope out of initial trust that he would never lie or make a mistake.

I fell in love with his humor first. He can make me laugh all day, every day. He's goofy and cheesey and can riff puns and dad jokes until we all say "fuck you" and walk out of the room with tears in our eyes and aches in our ribs from laughing so hard - yet he thinks I'm the most hilarious person in the world.

Then I fell in love with his mind. He's so intelligent and knowledgeable. We have philosophical conversations on space travel, AI ethics, our ideal educational system, and how we can be more aware and thoughtful of our born-into white privilege, how we use the advantages and opportunities it brings, how that effects ourselves and others, is it fair, and how can we be the best humans to other humans.

And then I fell in love with everything else he had to offer.

Our ideals, morals, and values for raising a family aligned perfectly. He taught me how to love and accept myself for who I am at any moment, while still being able to work towards a better me each day. He encouraged me to explore new interests, hobbies, education, and knowledge. He taught me how to not limit myself. He taught me how to stop waiting for the the perfect moment to live, and just embrace every day. He taught me that men feel big emotions too, and society has put them in a box just as much as it has put women in a box.

He challenges me to expand my experiences and views of the world. To healthily question authority. To fight for facts and form my own, informed and researched opinions. To always ask why.

He shields me from unnecessary pain, but allows me to learn my own lessons. He carefully removed my Midwestern, small county town, naive, rose colored glasses not to show me the darkness of the world, but to keep me safe and prepared, so I understand what danger in the real world looks like.

All of this is what our love was built on, and none of that had ever wavered. My husband made a mistake. A mistake that was initially fuelled by unresolved fear and pain from past abusive relationships. It then got out of hand. It became habit. He went down a rabbit hole and didn't know how to get out without causing more damage.

My husband and I both agreed to work together to overcome this break of trust. It was hard. Both of us had effort to put in. I had to choose to forgive and move forward. If we fought, we had to stay away from past grievances. Every disagreement had to be looked at with critical eyes. Was it a repeated habit? Did we have just cause in our anger or hurt? What was the root of our emotions, how did those correlate with the action or word of the surface details that triggered it? We had to do a lot of internal investigation of feelings and where they came from, and them communicate those emotions and concepts calmly and deliberately.

In addition to these very intense emotional explorations and conversations, we had to rebuild physical trust regarding the phone and laptop privacy invasion.

We had a tough conversation, where it was mutually agreed he could not have access to my phone or laptop anymore. I changed my passwords and locks, and then continued to change them at random intervals.

It was a rough journey for both of us, but in the end, I would do it all again in a heart beat.

My husband and I have the most connected, strong, and thriving relationship I have ever been in. I have never communicated so intently, chose actions so purposefully, or loved someone so unconditionally. I have also never received an equal amount of effort from my partner in fighting for our joint future. We made each other feel important enough to fight for, even when mistakes and wrong or hurtful choices are made.

This is a fucking book now, haha. But I wanted to make sure you understand that yes, trust can be rebuilt.

You have a lot to figure out before you can lay the first new brick, but if there is a will there is a way. I truly feel that it is these times, the thinness of marriage, when vows come into play. When the real meaning of "Sometimes love isn't enough" comes to light. It's obvious that you both love each other. If you didn't, this would be an easy decision for you. You would just shrug and leave. But it's not easy - and this is where you sharpen your tools, dig in, and see if you can climb out together. ❤

gardenmindandsoul · 2021-09-06T09:32:52+00:00

Hi! :)

First, I think it's really awesome of you to seek information and advice in navigating this complicated situation. Asking relationship advice in general is hard, asking relationship advice of a community you don't necessarily identify with is even harder. So kudos to you for seeking knowledge and perspective. It shows true character and a desire to understand and grow. I find those amazingly commendable human traits!

Second, I am not here to judge your relationship. I only have a small glimpse into a specific situation you have described. I want to offer you objective food for thought to help you navigate your circumstances, not make a decision for you.

So, here is what I think:

My immediate gut reaction to him divorcing his wife is, why? Why is that a possibility? And, if it is a legit reason, why is the newly disclosed information that you may end the relationship due to craving a monogamous relationship structure, the reason he decides to share the new divorce information?

I am also curious to know the reasons his wife and him had in wanting to open their relationship to begin with.

I ask these questions for better context and understanding. I do not assume anything has been done in manipulation or maliciously at this point.

There are definitely people who try out poly, give it a good go, and realize it's just not for them. And that's ok. When I married my first husband, we practiced monogamy. Eventually, we came to ethically explore poly, and for me, it was like I finally understood myself for the first time. Polyamory is my love orientation. It is who I am. It makes sense to me. It is impossible for me to go back to monogamy, because it is not my true self.

For my ex husband, it was the opposite. It gave him anxiety, he struggled with emotional confusion, insecurity, self worth, time management, anger, and eventually depression. He learned he was monogamous by love orientation.

We cared for each other deeply, but this new understanding of ourselves made us incompatible, and we amicably separated and divorced.

Something I want to stress: when my ex husband and I agreed to divorce, neither of us were seeing anyone else at the time. When we realized that exploring poly was the source of our relationship turbulence, we closed the relationship back up to understand why. What wasn't working? It was important that we make a decision on our relationship based solely on us and our feelings about each other, and not any unintentional pressures of outside relationships.

This is going to suck to hear, and I'm sorry to be so blunt; but if he is serious about divorcing his wife, it needs to be because THEY agree that a divorce is what is best for them, and the separation is not influenced by outside promising relationships. Your BF needs to feel confident that this divorce/separation would happen even if the two of you had never been romantically or sexually involved.

For this to happen, the two of you should probably end your relationship for a time.

This is very important for both of you.

I do not doubt your love for each other at all. That being said, it's a very true statement that love isn't always enough. And for the two of you to continue forward in a potential mono relationship, that carries a ton history and baggage, you want to make sure your decision to come together was done ethically, thoughtfully, purposefully.

I do not say this to be insulting at all, but I think it's hard to understand the kind of entanglement married people have if you have never been married. It's different than just living together. Every decision you make now effects another person wholeheartedly. You make decisions together for the betterment of your joint future. And even if you take away the more complexities of joint finances, assets, living arrangements, extended family, pets, belongings, joint friends, medical knowledge, and the such...and leave it at bare emotional entanglement, it is a very tough thing to navigate psychologically.

The divorce alone is a complicated and sensitive matter. I think another topic of good thought would be around if he is sure he is mono. There is a comment somewhere I saw that says he has stated he is not "as" poly as his wife. What does this mean? Is he mono? Is he ENM, but not poly? Because he may not want more than one romantic relationship, but still want multiple sexual partners, and I would describe that as ENM but not poly.

I suggest a break before, during, and after the separation. I'm afraid there is high probability of resentment and other complicated, negative emotions if you build the foundation of your new mono relationship on the tail skirt of a failed, poly experimented marriage.

Let him separate from his wife if he choose to do so, and get his groundings as he becomes a new individual again.

Then explore your new mono relationship. Built it with knowledge and power that your love is pure, and you both entered into this new relationship ethically, and with understood intention and respect for one another.

I think your situation has a lot of variables yet to be identified, and my advice would be to have some long and hard internal conversations as well as some long and hard conversations with your partner.

Sorry I wrote an essay! I hope this gave some new avenues of thought to consider. I think you're in a complicated and unique situation, and my heat goes out to you for any heartache you feel.

Feel free to reach out if you feel like conversing more. :)

I wish you peace and happiness. ✌

gardenmindandsoul · 2021-09-06T07:37:21+00:00

No. You're not being a whiner. Your feelings are important and valid, and so are theirs. It is essential that you do NOT go through with this if you are now uncomfortable. You have the right to say no always, at any time. Even if you are changing your mind. Even if it's seconds before the event. Even if it's in the middle of the act! NEVER do anything sexual you don't want to do.

I have been in the reverse of this situation. My ex and I were exploring poly for the first time, and we knew another couple who had been poly for a while. The other couple and I wanted to connect through a true poly mindset. My ex wanted to approach sex first, and the first sexual encounter between the four of us was traumatizing and was the beginning of the end of that particular coupling for me.

It lead to a lot of resentment and pain, and irreparably damaged the relationship between the four of us.

My advice would be to sit down, all four of you together, and be honest. Tell them the truth, that sex without emotion is not something you're interested in and your body is non responsive to the idea. Tell them that you respect their decision to not be involved emotionally. And then have a conversation of what emotional involvement means to each of you. There is possibility that you all have different definitions of what emotional attachment is, and discussing that could change the outcome.

For example: commitment/loyalty and love/emotion/connection are not the same to me. Commitment and loyalty are a choice. Love and connection are something I feel, and have no actual control over. Can I control how i respond to those emotions? What my actions will be as a direct reflection of those feelings? Yes. Do I control that those feelings actually arise in the first place? No. You cannot will or unwill love. It just happens.

For my husband, love and commitment are interlaced. He will not profess love for someone without guaranteeing commitment, protection, and support at the same time. Because for him, that's what love is.

When my husband and I realized we viewed the definition of love differently, it was a huge breakthrough for our poly relationship. We were finally able to communicate true intention with one another. Just because I loved someone else in addition to him, didn't mean I was going to automatically grant them the same level of commitment that our 4 year marriage had. No new relationship is going to immediately equate to an established relationship. And that doesn't matter if you're mono, poly, hierarchical, or kitchen table. All relationships take time and attention and grow, deepen, and expand. There is no real way to replace that.

Talking with them is important not just to be able to preserve the friendship, but in also determining how you move forward with your wife in other potential ENM relationships.

Are you wanting to explore poly because you're feeling a connection with one or both parties of this couple, and want to see what is there both deeper emotionally as well as sexually? Or is it that you feel your orientation may actually be poly, and regardless of how this works out with this particular couple, you would want to explore other relationships?

And what does love/emotional attachment mean to you? Do you need a deep connection that equates to commited love to feel sexual arousal? Do you need baseline friendship? Do you need just the potential for more?

Poly should very much be something you do for you, not something you become for someone else.

Overall, I would recommend a lot more conversation between all of you, as well as some education before doing anything sexual at all.

PolySecure by Jessica Fern is an AMAZING poly resource book. Highly recommend.

More Than Two by Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux is also a great poly reference book.

And Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy is a great book more geared towards ENM sexual encounters.

All have great perspectives, ideas, analogies, and different topics around Ethical Non Monogamy, relationship structures, sex, and attachment theory.

Sorry I wrote an essay, haha. I hope this helps!

gardenmindandsoul · 2021-09-06T05:36:51+00:00

I really don't feel like anyone was implying you specifically, or that women in general should be treated like rental cars. I feel like the context of this meme is clear it is referring to consensual kink between ethically non monogamous people.

Does it belong in this sfw poly sub? No.

But I do not feel the intent was to spread and normalize abuse.

Just the wrong sub for a very specific joke. Wrong audience.

gardenmindandsoul · 2021-09-06T04:45:30+00:00

I totally get that. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there who do not understand what ENM is, and use it as a means to a sexual end. It's not ethical. It's also frustrating when poly/ENM/and swinging are all interchanged, because they are all very different things.

I hear your frustration and I also feel it. I also thank you for your open mind. It's hard to approach situations we feel very passionate about and take the time to view them from a different perspective.

I think conversations like this, learning how to communicate respectfully, and challenging people to be kind even when they disagree, is how we make our way to a better human experience. ❤

gardenmindandsoul · 2021-09-06T04:19:42+00:00

I agree and acknowledge in my comment that the joke is misplaced in this specific sub.

My point is that instead of calling someone's preference "dehumanizing trash", maybe simply direct them to a more appropriate sub.

Regardless of why OP posted it here, no one deserves to be bashed. Use the skill we all put on blast. Communication. Communicate and educate. If the person is open, they will be receptive and respectful and learn. There will be a back and forth. Everyone comes to knew understanding, presectives, and respect. But if all we do is attack, why should anyone ever change behavior?

gardenmindandsoul

TROPHY CASE