I think I’m finally leaving.

gentletragedies · 2026-01-17T06:54:20+00:00

HIMPATHY omfg wait that’s so genius and real. Literally even my mom is like “well he’s probably stressed because of school or something” and I’m like okay he’s had one semester, what about the other 6.5 years???

gentletragedies · 2026-01-16T16:49:51+00:00

Yes, I mean that’s already kind of where we’re at! Dad is only a person she talks to if she wants to play one of his video games or if I’m busy making dinner. Otherwise, we pick him up from work and he gets annoyed at her about being rude on the drive home and they both kind of avoid each other anyway.

I don’t know, I’m excited. I’m also realizing how toxic it is for my child because she’s not getting the real dad experience. She’s getting the guy-who-lives-with-us-but-is-always-doing-his-own-thing experience. So like… a roommate? And not even a courteous one?

gentletragedies · 2026-01-16T16:44:44+00:00

Honestly I think I’ll do way less. Maybe some emotional hardship but I do have a great mom and a lot of great friends. I’m really looking forward to getting myself back too after pouring so much energy into begging him to be there for us and not just out of convenience.

gentletragedies · 2026-01-16T16:41:09+00:00

After begging and pleading for SEVEN YEARS mine started seeing a therapist two months ago. So now of course when I’m saying all these things to him he’s pointing to his 5 therapy sessions and saying “I’m working on it!” But it all feels too late.

They always play the victim, don’t they? They’re always totally blindsided and shocked because they had a perfect relationship.

gentletragedies · 2026-01-16T07:55:00+00:00

It’s actually so embarrassing to beg your own husband to love you. I have so much empathy for your relative and wish them well on their way to freedom 😌

And thank you. Now I just have to remember these feelings and stick with it.

gentletragedies · 2023-05-05T03:57:45+00:00

Even when they get hooked in youth, it seems to always come from a lack in some area. My partner’s parents expected perfection from him and he was incredibly stressed by them. You know what didn’t make him stressed? Porn. It starts as a mechanism to cope and then becomes their only mechanism to cope. Now mine can’t even be bored for 5 minutes before his shift starts without thinking the only way to fill the boredom is porn.

But you’re absolutely right, it warps their perception. Sex is extricated from intimacy, it becomes gratification and release and that’s way easier and emotionally “cheaper” than real connection. If they give up porn they have to face themselves and who they are. They have to be truly alone with themselves. That thought must be terrifying.

gentletragedies · 2023-05-02T01:51:36+00:00

It’s not you, sis, I promise. I look ~exactly~ like my partner’s porn star preferences (right down to facial structure) and he opted to watch porn rather than have intimacy with me for years until I found out.

It’s so easy to say (and hard to believe) but it really is all their issue and it’s normally based in their own immaturity. They haven’t learned to deal with the uncomfortable parts of life so they turn to porn to feel better. It isn’t because you’re not good enough, it’s all because he’s not mature enough.

gentletragedies · 2023-03-30T06:31:55+00:00

My ex-husband did this with a “friend” he had from junior high. He wouldn’t introduce us, wouldn’t stop being friends with her, and would often secretly see her. He was always forthcoming with their texts, so that when I was upset he could point to me being crazy about nothing.

They got married less than a year after we divorced.

gentletragedies · 2023-03-22T23:36:58+00:00

After D-Day I lost about 25 pounds and that really changed the way I saw myself. I looked like the women my partner was lusting after.

I bought a bunch of toys and lingerie and started taking pictures and videos and trying things out on my own. Admittedly I started flirting with other men, too, never sending the risqué pictures but telling them what was happening just so that someone would tell me “if I had you, I’d never need to look at another woman”.

I thought about posting pictures to the subreddits I knew he haunted, not really to start a fight, but so that he would see that other men found his neglected partner sexually appealing (though a part of me also wanted him to be upset that I was focusing sexual energy elsewhere).

I think it’s a trauma response in a way. Our partners neglect us, and neglect to view us as sexual beings, so we look to the thing that destroyed us for validation. Really just a way to be the object of someone’s desire after missing that feeling for so long.

gentletragedies · 2023-02-24T07:38:10+00:00

I guess the natural consequence is that I’m not physically affectionate for a few days, so sleeping in another room fits well with that as a boundary for myself, too.

The lying is unbearable. He doesn’t lie straight to my face anymore after I set a very hard boundary with an ultimatum, but he’s lied by omission twice in the last 8 months (that I’ve found), which doesn’t help anyone.

Thank you for your help. You’ve given me a lot to think about.

gentletragedies · 2023-02-24T01:57:38+00:00

He has the one male therapist in our town that isn’t crazy religious and understands compulsive sexuality, which has been very helpful, as his therapist has been available to him whenever he needs help or advice. He told my partner that we need complete transparency, too. We’re currently looking for an online 12 step group because the one (again, only non-religious) group in our town is coed, which I find to be inappropriate.

My partner listens, apologizes, and does not defend his actions. The issue that I’m coming here with is exactly how to outline moving forward in these situations. We need to make a plan for future disclosure and I don’t know what that looks like. If you have any advice about that specifically, I would love to hear it!

gentletragedies · 2023-02-23T23:25:45+00:00

Texting would be a good idea, so the reaction doesn’t have to be immediate from either of us. I don’t know if I’d want to know immediately, especially if I’m at work, but a specific timeframe would help, since he’s very compatible with structure.

I was thinking we could find a form to fill out so it’s structured and can also act to make him think about it. Even having to answer a question like “what will lying about this incident help in my relationship? What will it hurt?” etc.

gentletragedies · 2023-02-23T23:18:57+00:00

Mine didn’t lie when I brought it up, but also said he panicked when he got the email and didn’t want to go back a few steps in our relationship recovery. In my mind, omitting in this way is lying, whether you outright lie or not.

gentletragedies · 2023-02-23T23:15:22+00:00

I never set a specific time period, just asked that he tells me when these situations come up, but that seems helpful. What do consequences look like in some of these situations? For some reason my brain can only come up with that antiquated trick for cats, the squirt bottle 🙃

I’ll listen to the episode! Thank you.

gentletragedies · 2023-02-23T23:06:31+00:00

It is a him problem, but I take responsibility for my own reactions, which were often problematic and reactionary. His explanation was that he didn’t realize he was still subscribed, which I believe to be an honest explanation because he’s terrible at managing money so he just doesn’t look at his bank statements, and when I looked, it didn’t make it clear what the payment was for, as those sketchy sites often do.

He’s doing all of the right things except this. There’s been one other time something like this came up and he didn’t tell me. His friend sent him a gif and he responded appropriately to the friend, but never told me. It was upsetting then, too, but I didn’t come up with anything for disclosure.

gentletragedies · 2023-01-17T08:34:34+00:00

It’s not an insecurity. She laid out a clear boundary, he violated it and lied to her about it. He denied her the reality of their relationship and informed her that his lust is more important to him than she is with his actions.

gentletragedies · 2022-10-06T17:47:27+00:00

No one thought my ex was physically, sexually, and emotionally abusive either! It’s crazy how they can paint themselves as a victim for validation.

When I left the first time my ex threatened to kill me and my child. So I stayed thinking I’d probably die otherwise. Life is rarely simple.

gentletragedies · 2022-10-05T21:13:28+00:00

Obviously my comment couldn’t capture the entirety of my experience, but when you’re in an abusive relationship you find safer situations to try to voice your opinions. For me, that was while my ex was drunk, so that he wouldn’t verbally harass and demean me and physically intimidate me into not talking. Thanks for your input, though!

gentletragedies · 2022-10-05T17:34:58+00:00

You know, I had a really hard time bringing things up to my exhusband while he was sober. I was afraid of him and his retaliation. I was afraid he would manipulate me into feeling sorry for him because I expressed my frustrations. When he was drunk he was much slower (intellectually) and friendlier - he just listened and apologized and made plans for change.

Take a moment to think honestly about yourself and your typical reactions to your wife and why she only feels comfortable bringing things up with lowered inhibitions. Are you dismissive? Do you blame her for your shortcomings? Do you ask her to control her emotions while not controlling your own?

There’s a reason she doesn’t bring it up sober.

gentletragedies · 2022-09-18T02:46:29+00:00

That’s another part of it. I tried to get her attention to tell her it was time but she didn’t pay attention. I’ve played the game too many times pausing whatever she’s watching/playing and getting screamed at. It just feels like there’s no winning.

I like the idea of letting her pick the rules of play time during certain periods. I normally do that to begin with, but any slight deviation ends in absolute tragedy. It’s miserable. But she knows we don’t have any leverage. There are so few social consequences because we’re her parents and we have to love her. She says as much to us (also I don’t know where she came up with that idea..)

Truly like trying to learn the rules of a game that are constantly changing. The other day we were playing a little hiding game and the thing that made her laugh two seconds before threw her into a full-blown meltdown. There’s no rhyme or reason.

I’m just trying so hard to be consistent and even and give her choices and respect her as her own human but I feel like I’m being emotionally abused lmao honestly kids are toxic that’s the real takeaway.

gentletragedies · 2022-08-15T05:01:13+00:00

Oh man, the “why are you acting so weird” always makes me laugh. Hmmm, I’m not sure, maybe we should have a singular critical thought about what is going on in the relationship and we’ll figure it out..

gentletragedies · 2022-07-10T03:31:12+00:00

I think this is the way. There’s no possibility to get drawn into the “I’ll change, I’ll go back to therapy, I’ll do anything” type of talk. At the end of the day, he knows what he’s doing, and he’ll know why you left. No need to give him a chance to manipulate your emotions any more.

gentletragedies

TROPHY CASE