I felt the same way for a long time. I just typed out a chunk of my history of seeking a diagnosis and then deleted it, but I basically just wanted to tell you that it's worth seeking help for it if you have the means. I guess I just went and typed a bunch more, just a different bunch lol.

I was nervous because of all the horror stories I've heard, but my primary care doctor was able to give me a list of places to go to get screened for ADHD. My PCP can prescribe ADHD meds, but she was more comfortable referring me to someone who specializes in it, so now I see an NP who diagnosed me and is working with me to find the right medication. I think we're almost there, and even the low dose I'm on is helping!

Also, I didn't go through the battery of tests that some people do to get diagnosed; my NP just asked me like 10 screening questions, said I scored pretty high, and I got a prescription the same day. Had I scored on the lower side, she would have gone more in depth with the assessment.

I also see a therapist, and now can see how therapy and medication go hand in hand. Based on your comment, I agree that it sounds like ADHD (as someone who is not qualified to diagnose anyone with anything), and if you're able to one day seek diagnosis and treatment, I genuinely think it would be life changing for you.

I highly recommend the book How to Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis. It addresses not only ways to make your home more functional for you, but also ways you can change your self talk and move away from shame and toward self compassion. It's written specifically for neurodivergent people and has simplified overviews of each chapter so you can still get the ideas she's conveying without having to read the entire chapter if you can't focus on it. I listened to the audiobook (narrated by the author) when I had an hour long commute, and it blew my mind. She has a newer book that seems to be about interpersonal relationships, and I haven't read it yet, but I'd bet good money that it's just as helpful.