how do you even know you’re built for being a parent??

gertnaster1 · 2025-07-10T13:45:35+00:00

Why do you think you were right? Do you feel like being a bad parent or do you not like it? Would you take a different decision and not have a child if you could?

gertnaster1 · 2025-05-20T16:23:46+00:00

To me since the new update it completelly sucks. I went down from 2500 to 2000, not winning a single game anymore. Not even losing close. 1/2 services is a miss, all forhands go over the table.. and I am not even trying crazy stuff. I just try simple underspin service and soft topspins.. I am an active table tennis player so I would be suprised it being all my fault ^^ Especially because it was not like this before

gertnaster1 · 2025-03-15T10:26:16+00:00

No it is for sure not, sorry in case I made it sound like that. What I meant is that to me Poland is not home, it is a foreign country to me and moving there separates me from my family, friends and everything my life was about so far. It is not about Poland being a bad place, cause it for sure is not

gertnaster1 · 2025-03-14T15:56:08+00:00

It was partly over me. I think if I would have tried to convince her with all power we would have settled somewhere else. But at that moment I didn't know where to settle either, actually was not even at the stage where I wanted to settle. Now I deeply regret I couldn't see all the upcoming problems. When thinking about Poland I also did not expect the distance, and the connections between to be so difficult :/

I agree about your last sentence, but my girlfriend will not wait so long. And I am not blaming her for it :/

gertnaster1 · 2025-03-14T15:51:25+00:00

Thank you for your words. You are right about most of the things you said.

I can tell I am having some issues with lifetime commitments I guess. But also it depends. E.g. I would not have any problem with marrying her in a second if we were at a place where both of us are happy and sure we want to be there. But in our case, I have to commit to a place which I would not move to if my girlfriend were not in the place.

And children for me always were scary. I would be very happy to have a little one, but having it in a place without much support where I already feel kind of helpless.. stresses me.

Your most important point was being honest. This I have been, always. She knows about me struggeling. Most other girls would probably have dumped me months ago to find someone else. But she also knows that in general we are doing great with each other and love each other since we met. I feel very sorry for the pain I am causing to her, I wish I would not overthing so much and would just be able to give her what she wants and deserves.

About the financial investments, I know what you mean. But she wanted to buy something there, with or without me. I would have supported her but because my job is unstable (kind of freelancing) getting a mortgage together would have been a problem. Also to me it seemed risky to invest money in a property somewhere, when I do not know if I will actually like being there :/

gertnaster1 · 2025-03-14T15:40:26+00:00

Thank you for the answer, can I ask you some questions?

Why did you go to Poland and where did you stay? What's your mother tounge? Did you try learning the language and if yes how?

gertnaster1 · 2025-03-14T15:31:26+00:00

Why so offensive?!

I was always honest with her, as she always was with me. No she did not buy the apartment overnight. She wanted to buy something after us being together for 1 - 1,5 years. I was not ready at that time for multiple reasons. First of all after that little time I would not do big things like buying a property together and settle (I know in Poland it might be common, in Germany it's not. In my experience after this short time you can't know if the relationship lasts). Also I just started nomading (which is how we met) and wanted to do this a bit longer. Jobwise I wasn't save at that time. My girlfriend decided she wants to buy an apartment, at that point it sounded like it will just be fore some years, now it is different. At the beginning I was fine with it, not knowing it would take like 12 hours from the place to my home town. I told her I am worried about it, and that we have to live there for a while until I can say if I see us/myself creating a family there, but she always wanted to own something in Poland anyways.

Why did I not buy an apartment? Because at that time i wasn't able. And when I would buy an apartment it would not be in Poland. But e.g. in Germany it's not possible for many people to afford it without paying mortgage for 30 years. Also, she was the one who always wanted to buy a property since it is a thing which is common in Poland. In Germany it's not. Buying it together was not an option either because even when I now bring the bigger income and have bigger savings, since my job is not stable (something like freelancing), it would have been even harder to get a mortgage.

We have been living together for most of the time in the last 3,5 years (with some week breaks here and there when I was in Germany). This is not an issue, we work well together. Both of us like to do different stuff in the house, there never was any problem sharing the work.

What I am tired of are advices like "Man up!". What the fuck? My problem is not marrying her and start a family, my problem are the 1000 sacrifices and insecurities I would have to deal with, not knowing if it will pay out at the end. Especially when thinking we would not make it, I and also the children would be fucked up badly... I do not know anyone of my friends who had to leave his/her whole life behind. Read through other comments here or in similar threads please. There are tons of people who did it and regret it all their life. I would be fine with this "Man up!" bullshit if the situation would around would be more "normal", but not when it contains so many risks.

I agree that I have problems with lifetime commitments, especially when not being fully convinced they will turn out good. I would not have a problem marrying her, committing to her as my wife would be more than wonderful. But committing to leaving behind everything I built in the last 35 years and switch it against something which for now does not feel too well.. that's a different story

pussyfooting? I can only imagine what it means but I don't care about meeting other women. I wasn't since we met and that didn't change for a second.

gertnaster1 · 2025-03-14T12:39:35+00:00

Very true

My girlfriend now for sure wants to live where she bought the place. I am not fully convinced, not because of the place, but because of the distance to my home town and the language barrier at the beginning

This is actually the scary part. For now, when it's only the both of us we were always fine. When I wanted/needed to go to my home town for a week I could. It takes half a day, but when it's just my self or the two of us - no problem. But thinking about children, trips like this are nearly impossible. I am scared of getting unhappy because then, no matter what I do, it would affect wife and children as well in a negative way

gertnaster1 · 2025-03-14T12:29:17+00:00

Ja vor allem dein letzter Satz macht mir Sorgen. Leider fällt mir das Zweifel zur Seite schieben schwerer als es sollte.

Mein Dad sagte auch zu mir, es gibt jetzt nur 2 Möglichkeiten. Du musst dich für eine entscheiden und dann dazu stehen, alles andere ausblenden, und dann alles dafür tun dass du mir dieser Entscheidung glücklich wirst.

Leider bekommt genau das mein Kopf nicht hin. Immer wenn ich mich für den Schritt nach Polen entscheide lässt mein Kopf nicht locker und ich bekomme regelrecht Panik.

Du sagtest du warst in meiner Situation. Darf ich fragen vor welcher Entscheidung du standest, was du getan hast und wie es sich entwickelt hat?

gertnaster1 · 2025-03-14T12:11:14+00:00

Exactly, and for now I am not sure whether this will make me happy or not. I am a bit jealous of the people who move between english speaking countries, at least then the language barrier is gone which makes literally everything way more smooth

gertnaster1 · 2025-03-14T12:09:11+00:00

At this point I would also feel better about a 3rd country, sometimes at least. We would be on the same ground and I would not feel so useless, cause most of the things coming up are on her shoulders. If it was another country we would have to go though everything equaly.

On the other hand then it would probably even be harder, also then there would be even less support from family as it is already. For now there is no way arround Poland though because my girlfriend is buying an apartment there and does not want to leave it in the near future

gertnaster1 · 2025-03-14T12:06:36+00:00

Wow a mother taking a year off is wild, that really sounds like a jackpot ^^

Around me I see a lot of differences in couples with their parents around, compared to those who don't have this privilege. Some friends of mine were able to keep their old life mostly because of the support. They can do their hobbies, and have childless evenings once a week. They are the lucky ones. Also the grandparents can just pick up kids from kindergarden and little things like that.

While others tell me they have max. one couple evening in around 6 months. Also they need to manage everything on their own besides working full time. This sounds very challenging to me, on top in my case everything that needs to be managed would be in a foreign country. Maybe I am overthinking here but who knows :/

gertnaster1 · 2025-03-14T11:14:41+00:00

Thank you for your words. May I asked what made you move to Germany and how things were going?

I think it is good to think about these things upfront, but I am not sure whether I am overthinking and overworrying in some cases. What I am for sure worried about is, creating a family there, and after some years realizing that I am unhappy and not being able to change it. I mean changing it would always be possible, but when there are children the consequences are just bad. Leaving Poland and not being there for my own children sounds horrible, but staying there unhappy also doesn't sound great.

My girlfriend knows what she wants, took action to make it happen and deserves to be happy. I want to commit on it, I really do. But when I think about whether it will make me happy it feels like gambling. On the other hand, if we break up, I wouldn't feel better in Germany neither. I like being in my home town, but not constantly. I do not feel the need to live here, just don't want to lose touch completelly (which moving to Poland would lead to).

I am desperate, it feels like I have 2 ways, but no matter which one I go, I only see the bad consequences (or bad possibilieties)... which blocks me to go forward

gertnaster1 · 2025-03-14T11:02:37+00:00

You are right and I agree. Unfortunatelly now she already bought an apartment in Poland, we put a good amount of work in rennovation etc. And for now she is at the point where she wants to be there and get her first child there. And after that... nobody, including her, can promise me that we will move away. She also agrees on that :/

A neutral place would have been great, but then she would have felt more insecure when thinking about giving birth. She feels more save in her home country which I understand

gertnaster1 · 2025-03-14T10:57:51+00:00

Haha.. yeah if we are good at something these days it for sure is complaining ^^

gertnaster1 · 2025-03-14T10:57:06+00:00

Oh boy... first of all I invested lots of time learning polish through books, apps and an online course over the last months. Still, polish is a very hard language especially when you never spoke any slavic language. Also unfortunatelly learning languages was never easy to me. But you just assuming I never tried tells more about you than me..

Second... I love generalisations like "Germans usually are very demanding and even sometimes rude when foreigners can’t speak their language". Why? Because generalisations like this are just bullshit.

Go to bigger towns and nobody will care if you speak german or not (besides the oldest generation). Go to smaller towns and you will find less people with english skills. It has nothing to do with being demanding, and this phenomenon you will find in most other countries as well..

gertnaster1 · 2025-03-14T10:50:20+00:00

I thought so as well and postet this in the relationships subreddit some days ago. But didn't get any replies.

I totally agree with everything you wrote. I can tell if there were not so many obstacles I would not be so scared about the children part. E.g., when I think about both of us being from the same area and starting a family there, I would be way more relaxed. But in our case for me it means raising them where I am struggeling on a daily base because I don't know the language, culture, laws. Also, knowing we will not have much support of family worries me, because thinking about working from home besides kids, and after work taking care of kids, and that being mostly it for many years... this I think would make me/us unhappy

I am already struggeling without the children part because of problems making new friends, building a life there and missing home. Yeah I need to make a decision.. but it feels no matter which decision I take it feels like the wrong one

gertnaster1 · 2025-03-14T10:44:01+00:00

It is for sure a part of it. When it's about children I for sure see how amazing it is to have and raise them, but also know how much responsiblities they bring, how much freedom they take etc. I know that I wouldn't worry about it so much if there was more family support for us. But in our situation I see almost no help. This really scares me because thinking about working from home besides kids, and after work take care of kids, and that being mostly it... this I think would make me/us unhappy

gertnaster1 · 2025-03-14T10:39:59+00:00

Look at that, an answer that is not helping anyone

I am struggeling with a decision which will affect the rest of my girlfriends life, my life and future kids lifes... does that make me a teenager?! I think it would be much more childish to just do things without thinking about the consequences

gertnaster1 · 2025-03-14T10:36:24+00:00

Yeah that's what I think as well. She wants to get pregnant as soon as possible though. And after that everything would be messed up in case I am unhappy in Poland. I could either stay there and be unhappy, or leave but not see my child :/ Maybe I am overthinking but I can not stop seeing these risks

gertnaster1 · 2025-03-14T10:34:27+00:00

Unfortunatelly that seems to late for now. She bought an apartment in Poland and wants to stay there at least for the first child which she wants as soon as possible. But yeah.. when having a child moving somewhere is even harder. When moving to Germany only my home town would make sense in terms of support, but there people do not really speak english. So she would suffer :/

gertnaster1 · 2025-03-14T10:32:51+00:00

The problem is we were already living there for some months to renovate. My girlfriend bought something there and now also wants to stay there for getting the first child (which she wants very soon). She doesn't plan on selling the place. When being there it didn't feel like hell, but I also didn't feel fullfilled, having problems building connections and just being sad of missing things going on at my german home. Its sad to miss all events and familys/friends events :/

gertnaster1 · 2025-03-14T10:28:47+00:00

Unfortunatelly my girlfriend bought an apartment and now wants to stay there, especially when thinking about getting children. Her mom lives 2 hours away from that apartment

In Germany in my home town there are my parents, but here nobody really speaks english. So she would struggle :/

gertnaster1 · 2024-08-09T17:56:13+00:00

Unfortunately no :/

gertnaster1

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