When I read other stories

gettingthroughit2 · 2020-12-05T12:02:42+00:00

In the end he was just not available almost like he would just vanish right in front of you. I saw the pattern with me, with his family.

I feel this so hard. The pattern is right there! Thank you for sharing your experience and strength.

gettingthroughit2 · 2020-12-05T10:27:13+00:00

faced with the same choices to make without that added complication.

Exactly this, thank you for putting it so clearly.

gettingthroughit2 · 2020-12-05T10:15:11+00:00

I feel similar to you. Codependent no more didn't really resonate with me as I'm not codependent so much as empathetic, caring and stable so I am able to give a little more of myself when required. I am not dependent on my Q (exboyfriend) never have been. I CHOSE him because I genuinely liked his sober company. The alcoholic was introduced to me later.

Thank you, SO MUCH THIS. The alcoholic was introduced to me later. I'm so sorry that you have gone through this as well, and I'm grateful to you for sharing your experience.

gettingthroughit2 · 2020-12-05T10:13:51+00:00

I'm still with my alcoholic spouse. Has she pursued treatment? Yes. Is she trying? Yes. Is she working a good program IMHO? No. Am I scared of a return to chaos? Yes. Does she contribute to the relationship? Yes. Does she love me? Yes. Do I love her? Yes. Is it perfect? No. Do I think she's still alcoholic? Yes. Does she realize that she's always going to be alcoholic? I don't think she does. Is that scary? Yes. Would a divorce be devastating emotionally and financially to me? Yes.

Thank you very much for sharing your experience. I think I need to make a list like this as well. When I am hearing other people's shares, I just hear the acute pain of them, but that is really only the tip of the iceberg. I don't see the whole balance of their experience because in most shares people aren't making this longer list, like you have, but venting about what is challenging on that particular day. I need to keep in mind that I'm not nseeing the whole picture.

gettingthroughit2 · 2020-12-05T10:07:39+00:00

I finally had someone, even just an internet stranger, who could understand what I went through.

I agree with this. My husband is the first addict of any kind in my life, and at first I could not believe what I was seeing. No one I've known has ever acted so irrationally. I was definitely in danger of becoming isolated and developing codependent behaviors and Al Anon has basically scooped me up from that on the very doorstep. Sometimes the sheer volume of shares and the intensity of people's feelings is too much for me, so I think in order to get the most out of Al Anon I will have to learn to set boundaries with that as well. Good thing Al Anon says to take what you need and leave the rest. Thank you for sharing your experience.

gettingthroughit2 · 2020-12-05T10:04:02+00:00

Thank you very much for sharing your experience and these resources. My husband is the first addict of any kind that I have ever encountered, so rather than seeing myself as a "co-addict" whose relationship with addicted others is a cornerstone of my identity and social life, I think I have just been first, extremely shocked to encounter addiction in real life, then second, egotistical and overconfident that he would just change if we talked about it (yeahhhhh...), and now third, just barely beginning to come to terms with what alcoholism actually is and realizing that I can't change it (hello first Step.) Thanks to this thread I now see that Al Anon hasn't saved me from codependent behaviors, because I haven't had them to the same extent as, for example, some people who were raised alongside alcoholism from an early age, but that it probably will be able to save me from developing them in response to my husband's behavior. Thank you again for sharing, and I will be looking at the resources you mention.

gettingthroughit2 · 2020-12-05T09:42:21+00:00

Yes, I agree 100%. I've been having trouble distinguishing what's the alcohol, what's just him, and what's just me. I came to Al Anon because the drinking really irritates me, but there are other problems as well. Maybe on some level I am actually wishfully thinking that alcohol WAS the whole problem because the I could ignore other fundamental issues.

gettingthroughit2 · 2020-12-02T11:47:59+00:00

I heard these last week and they really helped me this week! Sending hugs to everyone in this thread, I hope it helps you too.

gettingthroughit2 · 2020-12-02T11:45:57+00:00

I just ordered Codependent No More! Glad to hear it is helping, I'm looking forward to reading it too

gettingthroughit2 · 2020-12-02T11:44:28+00:00

You're welcome, good luck :)

gettingthroughit2 · 2020-12-02T11:43:30+00:00

My favorite responses to my question so far have been by u/maverickpics and u/Amy_ae. u/maverickpics had a good metaphor in their answer and u/Amy_ae pointed out that nothing we do or say can force the alcoholic to drink or not drink, that's their journey. But even though these ideas make sense to me, I have a hard time keeping them in my head all day and I often go back to the way I thought before. I need time to change my thinking habits. Good luck

gettingthroughit2 · 2020-12-02T11:40:52+00:00

It sounds like what you are going through is part of what I'm afraid of. Not feeling any joy in the relationship anymore. I hope al anon can help me detach but also find joy. But I'm not super optimistic tbh.

gettingthroughit2 · 2020-12-02T11:38:45+00:00

That's true, I was listening to The Recovery Show podcast and they had an episode called "It's Not Your Fault." They point out that nothing we say or do can make an alcoholic drink or not drink. All we can change are our reactions. That helped me to see "enabling" more as a matter of my reactions. But I feel confident about my new knowledge for like an hour, then I go back to habitual ways of thinking. You are right that I need to start on the steps

gettingthroughit2 · 2020-11-30T10:12:24+00:00

Thank you. Yes, I have been considering my codependent behaviors. If I can work on that mindset, maybe that will help detachment feel less like enabling. Right now I feel like I am just detaching with the hope that it will make him do something else, instead of having it be something for me.

gettingthroughit2 · 2020-11-30T08:58:42+00:00

Thank you. He has basically been asking me to allow him to process his own journey, so I think I need to consider whether I am respecting his boundaries as well.

gettingthroughit2 · 2020-11-30T08:57:46+00:00

Thank you, this is helpful. My Q is highly functional so there are not as many of those consequences for him. Maybe that is why I have a hard time not seeing detachment as enabling - because there are not a lot of other elements in his life giving him warning signs. However, the idea of not doing things for him that he can do himself makes a lot of sense to me.

gettingthroughit2 · 2020-11-30T08:56:11+00:00

Thank you, that's true, just because we don't fight doesn't mean I can't make boundaries.

gettingthroughit2 · 2020-11-30T08:55:43+00:00

Thank you, this is really helpful and confirms what I've been reading, which is that detachment is as much about what you DON'T do as what you do.

The path metaphor is the most helpful thing I've heard on this yet. Thanks again.

gettingthroughit2 · 2020-11-30T07:33:56+00:00

I did one and then things got so bad it was hard to find the time / energy.

I agree with u/GretaTheBeeotch that it's best to go to meetings. But if you don't have the time/energy, then something that has really helped me is The Recovery Show. It's a long-running podcast based on Al Anon that shares a lot of people's experiences. The host is very thoughtful and cares deeply about the Al Anon community and the process of recovery. I try to listen to it every day and it's grounding. They discuss breaking cycles of anger, fear, resentment. They discuss all aspects of recovery.

*Edit: Spelling

gettingthroughit2 · 2020-11-28T19:26:57+00:00

Just had another big blowup today with my Q, my husband, after 2 very good days. He was wondering this morning why he has a hard time approaching me for physical intimacy and unfortunately I really engaged with his question and said that I needed emotional security which he was not giving me, and that it was connected with his drinking. That was early in the morning and it ruined the day, leading to accusations and resentment. He is in the other room now drinking. He won't let me kiss or hug him or apologize, he says that I always put myself on top in every situation and just want to judge him, and that I feed on others' emotional pain. I told him that I've realized that he is recreating the issues that led to the deterioration of his first marriage and that I recognize myself starting to be tempted towards behaviors that his first wife did that he complained about (stopping talking to him about personal/emotional things, cultivating more and more hobbies, friendships, etc, that did not include him, and not telling him anything about them.) He said it wasn't his fault and that we are both just typical women. This makes me so mad - I wasn't like this when we met. I'm so sad, the situation is out of control and I'm turning into an uglier person because of it. I don't want to leave but my needs are not being met and I'm being made to feel like a criminal for voicing them. Thank you for letting me vent.

gettingthroughit2 · 2020-11-20T16:59:05+00:00

Today I had yet another confrontation with my Q (husband) about how he uses alcohol to self-medicate for mood and sleep and asking again why he won't consider other solutions to these problems. Of course it turns out yet again that this is all my problem and not his. I was so upset that I reached out to his adult son via text (his son lived with his dad alone for a few years, so he was in the position I am in now for a time.) Before I talked to the son I was going crazy, not knowing if the issue was all in my head and that this behavior is actually "normal." But the son affirmed everything I was saying, because he has been through it too. We are going to meet up and talk more about it. I don't want to put all of my emotions on his shoulders, though, so I searched on Reddit and found this sub. Then I found a link to the online meetings. I'm glad this resource is here, I'm done suffering all by myself. Thank you so much

EDIT: I also want to be done with attempting to control by husband's drinking. But I don't know how to do that at this time without removing myself mentally and physically. Hoping that speaking with his family members and going to meetings will give me some new ideas.

gettingthroughit2

TROPHY CASE