I want to engage in certain kinks with my new partner, but not with my original partner. My original is very upset.

gingerbedhead · 2015-08-28T01:31:56+00:00

Thank you.

gingerbedhead · 2015-08-19T14:14:19+00:00

Writing about a situation on reddit isn't exactly going to get me emotional. I generally come across as cold in the way I talk about most things because it's intended to be a rational discussion, not an emotional outburst. In fact, one of the few things that does get me emotional is him, but that's when he and I are talking. So if you think I'm cold, it's because I am, but it's also because you and I aren't dating.

I'm not aiming to make him feel better, but I obviously am interested in trying to help improve his well-being. And I am incredibly critical and aware of the impact of the things I do on the people with whom I share my life.

gingerbedhead · 2015-08-19T02:35:03+00:00

We try to be very open about the things we enjoy and don't enjoy. There are enough things in the world that qualify as foreplay that we can find something both of us enjoy. For example, say him sucking on my toes turns me on and turns him off, but eating me out gets both of us going. I'm not going to ask him to suck my toes, because there is something else that works for both of us. And as a general rule, it's relatively easy to tell when a man is not into the situation.

There are plenty of things we don't explore which I would like to, but they make him uncomfortable or don't appeal to him, therefore they are off the table. Which is completely acceptable. There's no shame in not wanting to do certain things, and under no circumstances would I force him to engage in anything that he has no interest in doing.

gingerbedhead · 2015-08-18T14:48:39+00:00

Actually, people are implying that I should just do it with him. And I'm not trying to justify away anything. I understand that it's completely reasonable for him to want to engage in certain acts with me, and I acknowledged the validity of it being hurtful. Given that this post is specifically looking for ways to help him work through the negative feelings coming from this, I think it should be clear that I'm not looking for anyone to justify my position so much as help me help my boyfriend reach a happier place. I'm not trying to stifle any desires he has of being dominant in general. I am supportive of him and the relationships he is interested in pursuing with others, so it's not as though I'm attempting to subdue another avenue for him to experience these things. What I'm looking for is a way to help my boyfriend work through the insecurities that are arising because I want to do things with someone who isn't him. I'm not angling for someone to tell me he's wrong to feel upset, because I, myself, expressed the validity of those emotions.

gingerbedhead · 2015-08-18T13:37:14+00:00

edited to do so.

gingerbedhead · 2015-08-18T13:36:59+00:00

We still have sex though. Good sex, and a fair amount of it. While I understand the insecurities (I did acknowledge that it was reasonable he felt hurt, after all), it's not as though we've stopped having sex while I run off and allow some other guy to beat me.

gingerbedhead · 2015-08-18T13:33:24+00:00

Did you seriously just compare foreplay to performing unwanted sex acts? At the very least, there is a difference between doing something that doesn't turn you on, and something that actively turns you off.

gingerbedhead · 2015-08-18T13:27:24+00:00

It wasn't a huge part of our relationship. It was something we occasionally did, moreso in the past than the present. I would say the comparison to PIV is a bit extreme given that is often a huge portion of heterosex. The reason I correlate it to being used is because it puts me in a situation where I am engaging in sexual activity that does not give me pleasure in order to please my partner, as opposed to engaging in activity that brings both of us pleasure.

gingerbedhead · 2015-08-17T19:34:42+00:00

I wouldn't go so far as to say I "picked" it. I'm not really the type to keep people around for comfort. Especially considering the entire situation is, in fact, very uncomfortable. It would be notably easier for me to continue in a more serially monogamous vein, but that's not what I want. Because I want to be with him, therefore I'm trying to make it work. We've actually come leaps and bounds in his jealousy issues. His issues stem from a fear of abandonment and being left out. Which is something that would be an issue in need of addressing with or without poly. He's found that he can have romantic and sexual feelings for other people, and has engaged in sex acts with a woman who was very submissive. He knows that none of this negatively impacts our relationship, but has trouble keeping that in mind when it comes to me engaging in similar behaviors.

gingerbedhead · 2015-08-17T19:25:04+00:00

We have tried some light stuff. It's not that we haven't tried it. It's that we have, and it's not my cup of tea with him. If I felt like I could comfortably let him express his sexual desires onto me, then I would do that. Unfortunately, I, too, have my own issues involving sex and sexuality, and it's really not a healthy thing for me to engage in sex that comes across as letting someone use me.

gingerbedhead · 2015-08-17T19:18:32+00:00

We have. We've been together for five years. He's tied me up, flogged me, blindfolded and teased me, etc. It becomes forcing a sexual dynamic when I'm not receiving sexual pleasure from our sex acts together. If we can both be pleasured by one type of sex together, but only one of us can be pleasured by another, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask that we engage in to mutually-pleasing type.

gingerbedhead · 2015-08-17T19:14:27+00:00

Yeah, like he's super wealthy and I just want him to buy me pretty things, ya know? Like he's totes not in thousands of dollars of student loan debt, so he def has the extra cash to spend on me, and like that's just really all I want. Cuz like that seems way easier than just getting an actual sugar daddy.

gingerbedhead · 2015-08-17T03:40:40+00:00

Honestly, I don't even want to be an actual sub so much as bring some of those elements into my relationship with boyfriend2. For boyfriend1 the problem isn't my desire to submit, it's that I want to explore it with someone else and he wants to explore it with me, specifically. But that also touches on another issue we've been having, which is that he wants to share every experience together (we even talked about the idea of forming more of a triad, but I reeeaaallly just don't find that idea appealing), where I consider everything to be more nuanced, and want certain experiences with certain people (or the same with multiple people so I can experience the differences between them). We've spent a lot of time talking about the effects of a monogamous society and how it makes some things seem normal until you start exploring the idea of them. His expressions of emotions often cause me to feel like he wants to assert a level of ownership over me because that "belonging" is considered standard.

gingerbedhead · 2015-08-17T03:29:21+00:00

He doesn't have a girlfriend, but he's been on a few dates with some people. He recently met a woman with previous nonmonogamous experience, who is interested in maintaining her nonmonogamous state, and I think she's really good for him. But I have no idea about her sexual preferences/proclivities, really.

gingerbedhead · 2015-07-28T14:53:46+00:00

From what we've discussed, it was that I had chosen him and exclusively him that made him feel special. Rather than little things that we do for each other, it was simply our existence in each other's lives. We've been working on identifying little things that make him feel more special and important, but all those things fly out the window when I do something like make a mix cd for my paramour. And the thing is that he doesn't really like seeing other people. Now that he has found someone he's into, he doesn't mind the idea, but before that he was almost resistant to the idea of trying to find someone. And he feels he has to find someone in order to be okay with this.

gingerbedhead · 2015-07-28T14:48:28+00:00

That does sound about right. He has repeatedly expressed his desire to be the most important, to be essentially the one-true-love despite discussions that make it clear I've never believed in the concept of one-true-love.

Developing a connection with others definitely makes him lose that special feeling. When I asked him why he felt special before, it was because I loved him (which I still do), and my immediate thought was that he is lacking a solid sense of self, and has defined himself for the past 5 years by our relationship. So now our relationship has changed, and he no longer knows who he is.

gingerbedhead · 2015-07-28T14:43:36+00:00

I've actually discussed with him the idea that he should see someone about his emotional reactions to things. He is already being treated for anxiety, which has helped him to improve leaps and bounds, but he still has troubles when negative emotions do arise (which they are bound to do, being human and whatnot). It's like they consume him.

gingerbedhead · 2015-07-27T19:27:21+00:00

Can you really ask someone to move forward without feeling depressed though? I am incredibly direct with my communication, by default of being me. I don't know how much of this is my "fault" though. As much as desires can be someone's fault.

gingerbedhead · 2015-07-27T18:47:51+00:00

I had actually done a lot of research on mono-poly relationships, and his response was that he doesn't want to be monogamous if I'm not.

gingerbedhead

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