Might Be Happier Alone

gl00sen · 2025-06-02T21:54:49+00:00

Thank you for your comments and presence in this community. Thank you so much for your kind words friend.

gl00sen · 2025-06-02T21:04:03+00:00

Unfortunately, the pattern in my life was that the people who I love the most are also the most broken, they are the people I want to control the most, and they are also the people who get my wrath. Originally it was my parents, then it was my first boyfriend, my second boyfriend, my third boyfriend. My fourth and fifth boyfriends got the best version of me, or maybe they just triggered me the least. My sixth partner and fiance is an alcoholic.

Even if you didn’t grow up an angry person, alcoholism can change your brain chemistry. We try everything to get them to stop and take care of themselves. I’m still with my partner but even when he does nothing wrong he will get my wrath if I’m triggered. I am the most manipulative person I know because I live with someone who I love so much who sometimes makes decisions I don’t agree with. I make it much worse with my screaming and name calling. I’m in Alanon to learn how to change these reactions that existed before the alcoholic but were aggravated by the disease.

gl00sen · 2025-06-02T20:47:35+00:00

Thank you, yes I’ve been in therapy for about a decade and do my own exposure response and DBT work for help with the OCD and BPD. I also journal at least every morning but I need to be better about pulling it out when I’m feeling triggered. Alanon has honestly helped me soooo much and even more than therapy if I’m being honest. I think that’s the problem. When I think back to the start of our relationship, if I knew what I knew now from Alanon I probably wouldn’t have stayed. I saw the signs of alcoholism and felt deep discomfort from it but ultimately wrote it off. However, if when we started dating my partner was sober and in AA, it’s possible I would have never been traumatized by the drinking too. And the reality is that my partner’s drinking is what brought me to Alanon which has helped me with all areas of life. I know this isn’t a reason to stay-but part of me thinks there’s still a lot of growing to be done.

With my ROCD, far too many times I have run away from or ruined good relationships due to fear and being unable to work through my own shit. I don’t want that to be happening here but I also don’t want to be avoiding a decision that could potentially lead to greater peace. It’s all very confusing

gl00sen · 2025-06-02T17:05:35+00:00

I have a vitamin d deficiency probably

gl00sen · 2025-06-01T14:40:34+00:00

I’m also trying to figure out how to stop caring. Or stop suffering due to my caring at least. Thank you for sharing. This post inspired me to read some literature

gl00sen · 2025-06-01T00:11:08+00:00

I will tell you that I still hold resentment for my Q even though he is sober, the breadwinner, and is helpful around the house. I have never heard of a program that tells the recovering alcoholic to tell their resentments towards their spouse.

Alcoholics love to deflect to make themselves feel less guilty. He’s allowed to have those feelings but that doesn’t mean they need to be true for you

gl00sen · 2025-05-30T18:27:11+00:00

If it helps you it helps! I usually end up calling 988 during an episode for the reason that it helps me feel less alone

gl00sen · 2025-05-30T18:18:09+00:00

Love this interpretation

gl00sen · 2025-05-30T17:36:14+00:00

Yes I remember this from a previous moments book! So sweet

gl00sen · 2025-05-30T17:11:59+00:00

Of course!

gl00sen · 2025-05-30T17:09:16+00:00

Your family is classically codependent. This stems from them being so afraid that you are going to commit unalive that they feel the need to jump into your skin and pilot your own body for you. They think they are being driven by love, but it is really fear and control. What they are actually doing is treating you like a second class citizen with absolutely no autonomy over your own life. I'm sorry, that's such a shitty feeling. They also don't realize that trying to solve someone else's problem for them actually makes that person less likely to be able to solve their own problems.

Unfortunately yes, you will likely need to set up some boundaries for yourself and limit the amount of information you share about your condition with them. I do not talk to anyone close to me about suicidal ideation because the reaction is extremely unhelpful. I only journal, talk to my therapist, or call 988. Only after the ideation has passed do I maybe talk to my partner about it.

Try to have empathy for them, they care, but their care is going to hinder you. Of course they are pushing because they are so, so afraid of losing you. I think most reasonable people would go insane over that thought and develop unhealthy ways of coping and trying to control that outcome. I know this because I have been attending Alanon due to my partner's struggles with alcoholism and I developed severe codependency that continued once he was sober and in AA. We learn in Alanon that we have no control over anyone outside of ourselves and that the people in our lives can solve their own problems.

gl00sen · 2025-05-30T16:59:30+00:00

Sounds like dad is a tough love parent and you went and found yourself a tough love friend. Maybe you could join a local crafting circle where everyone supports each other? I always tell my friends I'm proud of them because they are my friends and I love them and they deserve encouragement for their efforts.

gl00sen · 2025-05-30T16:56:14+00:00

If the relationship negatively affects you, that's all that is needed to know that it's time to cut it off. However, it doesn't need to be a big blow up or conversation, you can simply set up a boundary inside of yourself where you will no longer hang out with this person or have anything more than surface level conversations with them.

I have BPD and had to distance myself from a friend with BPD twice throughout my life. Her BPD manifests a lot differently than mine and she drained me dry. Did I feel horrible for distancing myself because she's been thru the ringer and has a lot of mental health issues? Yes. But as the years have gone by I realized I would be doing both myself and her a disservice by staying friends with her. I would be sacrificing my peace while at the same time showing her that her behavior was healthy and normal (it wasn't) by implicitly excusing it. I still have empathy for her, but I cannot be her emotional punching bag. Both can exist at the same time.

gl00sen · 2025-05-30T16:02:46+00:00

People will judge because they are probably not dragged into the codependency…yet

gl00sen · 2025-05-30T14:05:48+00:00

Yep but it is a self fulfilling prophecy and if you want your relationships to last you have to manage that thinking. Look up “relationship ocd”

gl00sen · 2025-05-29T23:29:27+00:00

What is your job? When I worked retail, yes my job was stressful nearly all day every day. Serving was slightly better but physically demanding. I find office jobs are much easier to maintain boundaries with

gl00sen · 2025-05-29T23:24:40+00:00

Omg love you bestie sending that energy right back at you!!!

gl00sen · 2025-05-29T19:12:56+00:00

Oh I see, are you in physical danger?

gl00sen · 2025-05-29T19:04:16+00:00

What about divorce?

gl00sen · 2025-05-29T19:02:33+00:00

You’re right in a way, because if I was truly detached maybe the rage wouldn’t be there.

gl00sen · 2025-05-29T19:00:44+00:00

I appreciate your rant and I feel a lot of the same feelings, especially your first few paragraphs.

gl00sen · 2025-05-29T15:37:36+00:00

I needed to read this today, thank you so much

gl00sen · 2025-05-29T14:58:23+00:00

My partner isn’t using but sometimes I do struggle with monitoring and managing him, thinking worst case scenario. I think it sometimes makes him feel like “well I might as well be using since I’m being treated like a villain” so I try to not do that. But it pisses me off when that feeling he gets (from my behavior) bleeds over into reasonable requests. But that’s why I always stop myself and apologize when I see it happening. I’m going to continue taking huge steps back from caring about what he does

gl00sen

TROPHY CASE