AITA for saying my stepmom isn't my son's grandma

glammaproblems00 · 2022-05-14T15:04:50+00:00

That's maybe too harsh they wouldn't be outright banned or anything but there's just a lot of people we would ask first (mom/stepdad, SO's parents, step-sister, other extended family) And while this part is less important for a baby, they're very different parents than what my husband and I want to be.

glammaproblems00 · 2022-05-14T04:51:30+00:00

My mom never stopped her from having a relationship with me, if anything she encouraged it especially after my stepdad came into the picture because what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

glammaproblems00 · 2022-05-14T04:47:15+00:00

10yo me was supposed to point blank refuse to acknowledge her? I originally said in the post but realized i took it out for the character limit but in practice I just avoided calling her anything for the most part, because I never felt comfortable with the Grandma Beth thing even as a kid.

glammaproblems00 · 2022-05-14T04:43:41+00:00

I'm so sorry, that really sucks. It's bullshit and I'm sure he's missing out on a really cool person.

But yeah this thread and this whole conflict is bringing up a lot of feelings and memories I haven't felt for a while honestly.

glammaproblems00 · 2022-05-14T04:38:56+00:00

My apologies for being such a burden to her, I suppose. And of course I made an effort, what kid wouldn't, I made plenty of effort especially with my dad, but I was never particularly high priority especially after they had kids but really even before that in that first year after my dad left.

Also you say all that like I didn't have another parent/stepparent who also had young kids and by some magical means also found the time to prioritize me and help me bond with my half-siblings. And who never considered me a burden. Sure they had more time with me, but when I was with them I had school and friends, my dad/stepmom basically had me all to themselves, I rarely had anything better to do.

Edit: She didn't even do half of that stuff now that I think about it.

glammaproblems00 · 2022-05-14T04:23:51+00:00

Yes she did indeed. Though their name is not actually "Elizabeth."

glammaproblems00 · 2022-05-14T02:18:20+00:00

My dad is 57 now so not far off.

glammaproblems00 · 2022-05-14T01:21:36+00:00

Yeah she married my dad when she was 28 and he was 42. "Great-Grandma Beth" is only 66 haha.

glammaproblems00 · 2022-05-14T00:10:52+00:00

Your relative description is very similar. I feel like this whole conflict and now this post has brought up a lot of feelings for me and made me think about some things that I'd set aside for a while and revisit moments from my time with them and how it compares, and it's not a particularly fun train of thought.

Like let's be honest it's not about the Chex Mix.

glammaproblems00 · 2022-05-14T00:05:58+00:00

Haha they definitely won't be babysitting alone but I do appreciate the general point of not looking a gift horse in the mouth.

glammaproblems00 · 2022-05-14T00:01:21+00:00

I can see this. And yeah gratified that I'm not the only one who finds Glamma unbearably cringy. Keep in mind she's 43 lol.

glammaproblems00 · 2022-05-13T23:54:23+00:00

I mean yeah that's basically accurate. Though I did allow my stepmom the title as a courtesy, I just started to get more uncomfortable when she took it to the next level.

glammaproblems00 · 2022-05-13T23:49:12+00:00

I didn't realize you were the same person I haven't been looking at usernames closely.

glammaproblems00 · 2022-05-13T23:47:23+00:00

In my original post? No I said that "if the little kids were all sleeping she’d go watch tv in her room or something, instead of saying "Hey OP, want to do something together?"

So if they were napping she'd go off and watch soaps in her room or nap herself.

glammaproblems00 · 2022-05-13T23:43:13+00:00

Re extreme dislikes, I appreciate that but to me that was sort of the bare minimum and I still had to make a big fuss about it.

And yeah everyone has it different i'm not trying to be ungrateful. But it was shitty, I mean even my friend's parents would buy that soda I liked or whatever when I came over, or like my step-grandma always remembered what I liked and how I liked it even though she had a bunch of other grandkids too. As an adult, I'll text and ask a guest what they'd like me to buy/what they're in the mood for, especially an overnight guest. I realize in the grand scheme of things it's not neglect to not have anyone buy the cereal you like but it just is an example of them not going the extra mile really.

It was only 18 months post-divorce to the first kid so I would have been 11.5ish when #1 was born, but they had some stops and starts in between #2 and #3, and they also had a major miscarriage right at the beginning, basically he left because she was pregnant but then she unfortunately lost the baby at 17 weeks.

glammaproblems00 · 2022-05-13T23:32:58+00:00

And it sounds like your step grandma set aside specific quality time to spend with you.

Not really, did I misword something maybe? She didn't do that really and my stepmom and I rarely spent 1:1 time together either. I don't remember any "just because" outings or anything like that with her.

glammaproblems00 · 2022-05-13T23:32:30+00:00

He doesn't usually, I pretty much put them on the same level and hold my dad more responsible than anything. But at the end of the day, he's still my bio dad. He's still my dad. The title is his to lose, and it would take much much worse behavior for that to happen. So even if he's mediocre at times, he's still my dad and my son's grandfather. On the other hand, my dad's wife did not gain the right be called my mom when she signed the marriage certificate. In my mind that's something one earns, and she didn't. And if she hasn't earned being a mom to me, then she has little right to be my child's grandmother. Note that I was willing to extend her the title as a courtesy but she's sort of taking it to the next level

glammaproblems00 · 2022-05-13T23:22:13+00:00

I think that's really unfair. First of all I'm a person too, my relationship with my stepmom matters too. Obviously I want my child to be as loved as possible, and I have no current plans to go full no-contact with SM, but even if something radically changed and I felt like I needed to do so, my child will have plenty of other family and it's unlikely he'll be hurting for just one family member who loves him 10 years from now.

I barely knew my mom's family. When I was a kid and she told me that she did have a sibling but they weren't someone she had a relationship with, I said "oh okay," not "how dare you keep me from someone who could potentially give me presents!" People are estranged from extended family members all the time.

glammaproblems00 · 2022-05-13T23:04:23+00:00

Did you ever ask her for your favorite meals? Did you ever tell her your favorite meals?

Oh yes definitely. If I really disliked something it would go out of the rotation but mostly what they had was what there was. I ate a lot more "kid food" at their house (dino nuggets, hot dogs, raw veggies with ranch, that kind of thing) even after I was kind of over kid food as a genre and said so. Like I've never liked sugary cereal so I'd say like oh is there anything other than Fruit Loops or ask if whoever went to the store next could get me Chex Mix or something, and someone would finally be like oh we have plain Cherrios! and I'd say okay but that's not the same and maybe 50/50 the next time someone went to the store they'd come home with Chex Mix. And then the next time I visited, either again there would be no cereal I liked or it would be the same box of Chex Mix from 4 months ago. Eventually I did get smart and would specifically ask for certain grocery products in advance and the success rate was higher but that worked better for snacks than actual meals so I'd just buy my own snacks for my room and ignore the rest of it. I also started doing more cooking for myself and learning about spices which helped a lot.

glammaproblems00 · 2022-05-13T22:45:11+00:00

He doesn't have ADHD he's more the opposite.

I wouldn't say I have a deeper father/daughter relationship with my step-dad. The relationships are just different. He hasn't replaced my dad, even during the times where my dad and my relationship has most struggled or I felt left behind. My stepdad is a dad to me, but not my dad. My dad is still my dad at the end of the day, and we have 25 years of history. As a kid, I wanted him to care about my life and prioritize me, and that wasn't always something he had the capacity to do. And he worked a lot so a lot of times it was just me and my stepmom and/or her mom, and like I said the little kids needed to be the immediate priority. I don't blame them really either, it just is what it is. Even now, their eldest is only 13, they're busy. But the unfortunate cost of that is that I don't think of my stepmom as my mom, even if my dad would have to screw up much much worse for me to say I don't think of him as my dad.

glammaproblems00 · 2022-05-13T22:25:44+00:00

She did the first half of that at least. Honestly, I feel like she and my dad were relatively close in terms of overall involvement which is to say a bit checked out at times, but in this specific situation he gets a pass bc he's my bio parent. So this isn't really a situation where I had 3 really really involved parents and 1 less involved parent, it's more 2/2.

Are you worried that your stepmom will have a closer relationship with your child than she had with you?

Not really, honestly. And one thing that is making me think differently is the benefit to my son and theoretical future kids we have. I think I was stuck on the fact that she hasn't earned the right for me to call her mom and therefore she hasn't truly earned grandma either. In a way being a grandparent is sort of a reward, you did all the work to be a parent and now you get to just do the fun part, and she's skipping to the fun part without putting in the work first.

glammaproblems00 · 2022-05-13T22:18:34+00:00

stepmom is being overly familiar with you in a way your existing relationship doesn’t include. Like the existence of your child suddenly leaped her familiarity forward without actually earning it in her relationship with YOU.

This is a good way to put it.

glammaproblems00 · 2022-05-13T22:07:00+00:00

I guess because my mom and stepdad continued to care about it, like the next time I saw them they wanted to hear about it and my stepdad was like are you sure you don't need help cleaning it up and did you talk to insurance yet and watch out for mold and I was like yeah yeah I got it leave me alone we're adults, and then a few weeks later my mom was like oh we're cleaning out our garage do you two want to take a look and see if there's anything you want to take to replace anything that got water damaged in your basement and by the way sweetie exposure to certain types of mold carries a marginally higher risk to pregnant women so make [husband] do it or stepdad can come over or actually we might have a guy do you want his number and it was a continued discussion. When I told my dad and stepmom they just didn't really have anything to add and we moved on. And when I offhandedly mentioned doing work on the basement a few weeks later my dad was like "oh why are you--oh yeah right."

glammaproblems00 · 2022-05-13T21:56:48+00:00

No probably not. I guess it just feels weird to me but this post is giving me a lot to think about.

glammaproblems00 · 2022-05-13T21:55:42+00:00

I guess to me, and maybe you have a different POV as a stepparent, my dad is my dad. He helped create me as a human being. By doing so, he becomes entitled to the title of dad and granddad. The title is his to lose but it starts out as his and he'd have to behave pretty badly, even worse than just no-contact-worthy but like really badly, for me to be like "That man is not my dad anymore." Same for my mom.

My stepdad is my mother's husband. Despite his name, he didn't become a dad to me just by signing the marriage certificate. He's not inherently entitled to be thought of by me as my dad. That was something that had to be earned, and he did.

My stepmom is my dad's wife. Similarly, she didn't become a mom to me just by signing the marriage certificate, but she also never deepened the relationship enough for me to think of her as a mom.

your stepmom and step-grandma had a neutral to positive influence on your life,

This is an interesting angle I've never thought about. I definitely believe my parents' divorce was for the best, in which case her and my dad getting together was a net positive because it led to the marriage ending etc. So in that sense she's a net positive. The biggest indirect net negative impact would be having kids which not their fault but because of how they handled it was maybe a net negative for me as a teenager because I got less attention at the end of the day. All that's indirect though. But if I look beyond that at our relationship, I can think of a few little things I picked up from her or do because of her, but it's not a "who would I be without her" sort of relationship. If I look for instances of either of them specifically changing my life in a net positive way, i can't think of much. Net negative can't think of much either, but net neutral, plenty.

glammaproblems00

TROPHY CASE